Chasing Love's Wings

by Zoey Derrick

  I can’t stop the tears from falling down my cheeks. I put the heels of my hands in my eyes, hoping like hell that I can turn off the waterworks. I’ve got to call him. I have to build up the courage to do it. Sooner, before it’s too late.

  It’s already too late.

  “Cams.”

  I sob harder when I hear his voice, and in a second he is next to me. He doesn’t say anything, but his hand comes to rest on my belly, and I feel his forehead press against mine. I can tell he’s crying because I can hear the short breaths that accompany his tears.

  “What are you doing here?” I sob.

  “They called me. When I filled out your paperwork for your foot, I had to put an emergency contact down. I put me.”

  “Tristan, I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry. I missed my appointment—” The words come out fast and almost inaudible. “I didn’t mean to, I thought about it before we left for Montana, but thought I still had time. I—”

  “Shh. Cams, it’s all right. Are you okay?”

  “Yes,” I breathe.

  “The baby?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, thank God.” The words are followed by a sob. “Thank God.”

  It takes me a minute to soak up what he’s said. He’s thanking God that... “Ohmygod, Tristan, I thought you were going to be so angry with me.”

  His head comes off of mine and his beautiful blue eyes meet mine. “About you running from me? I’m furious. But this — no, Cami, never this.”

  I sob again; this time my heart fills with happiness that seemed to have been forgotten these last few weeks.

  “Shh, baby, please.” He wraps his arms around me as best as he can. “Cami, I could never be mad at you for something like this. Not now, not ever. I think the timing is off, and far from the best, but that doesn’t change the way I feel about having a baby.” He sits back down. “I’m hurt, beyond words, that you ran away from me. That you left me with no idea where you were, where you were going, if you were all right.” I can see the tears streaking down his cheeks. “I’ve been so scared that I would never see you again. I haven’t been able to work or hardly function for the last six weeks.”

  “Jesus, Tristan, I’m sorry. I felt so betrayed, like everyone was against me. I didn’t know who I could trust not to drop more bombs on me. The longer I stayed away, the more stupid I felt, then I didn’t know how to come back. Or what I would find when I came back. I didn’t want to know that you’d moved on, that you’d left. It broke my heart knowing that I hurt you.”

  “Shh. Please.” His hand, resting on my stomach, fists. “I love you,” he breathes, and I lose any hold I had on the fact that I thought I’d lost him forever. He’s here, with me. He loves me, no matter what I put him through. He is still here.

  “I...love...you,” I say through my sobs, and he holds me to him. After a moment, he climbs awkwardly onto the bed to lie down next to me.

  “Please, don’t ever do this to me again. I can’t take it again.”

  “What have I ever done to deserve you?”

  He doesn’t answer, and I don’t need or want an answer. Having him here is all the answer I need.

  THIRTY-SIX

  ******

  Tristan

  ******

  “Where have you been?” I ask her.

  “Here, in Phoenix.”

  “What?” The word comes out harsher than I meant it to. “We tracked you to New York.”

  “No, you tracked a ticket to New York. I never boarded the plane. I couldn’t leave. Despite my best attempt to do so, I couldn’t do it. I’ve been staying at my old apartment.”

  I don’t know whether to be happy or angry at the fact that she was here this whole time. But I decide that it doesn’t matter. Seeing her here, safe and alive, is all the reassurance I need to know that she’ll be okay. “How long have you known you were pregnant?” I don’t want the answer because it will make me feel worse than I already do. But I need to know if she’d ever planned on telling me.

  “I found out...” She pauses, not good. “The day I arrived in L.A.”

  “If you hadn’t ended up here, and they hadn’t called me, did you ever plan on telling me?”

  “Yes, but I didn’t know how.” Deep breath. “I played our conversation that afternoon over and over in my head — about how you felt about our future — and it scared me to tell you. I didn’t know how you’d react.” She’s crying again, and I don’t want to make her cry; this is stressful on her enough as it is. “Then I kept playing what happened in Vincent’s office that day, and how Bobby didn’t know that Trinity was pregnant, and how he probably would’ve never faked his own death if he’d known, and I knew I had to tell you. I’ve been to the house about thirty times over the last month, but I didn’t know how to come in, I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t know how to apologize to you.” She is damn near hysterical by the time her speech ends. “I didn’t know if you’d forgive me for screwing up so bad and, believe me, I never expected you to walk in that door.”

  “Shh, sweets, please. You need to calm down. Please, baby.” I hold her in my arms as tight as I can. “We can work through this, work through us, but right now I need you to take a deep breath and relax. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

  She wraps her arms around me and holds me tightly against her; my own tears won’t stop, but I have to find it in myself to be strong. For her.

  We lie here for a little while. “I need to go tell everyone what’s going on. Do you want to see anyone?”

  “No, not tonight.”

  “Okay. I will be back soon.”

  “Promise?”

  She wants promises from me? “I promise.”

  Just as I’m about to leave, a short, plump woman comes into the room. “How are you feeling, Ms. Enders?”

  She nods but doesn’t say anything. The nurse looks from her to me and back again. “We’re fine,” she says. “It’s a long story, but we’re fine.” I hear her say the words, but I’m not sure she believes them herself.

  “I just want to check your vitals, and the baby’s, okay?” Cami nods.

  The nurse produces a microphone-looking thing, and Cami lowers the blankets and lifts her gown. The sight before me is in slow motion as I take in what I’m looking at. If I didn’t know better, I’d assume that Cami’d gained some weight — there is a small swell to her belly, but not noticeable — but I know her body so well, it is obvious to me, and my heart pounds a little faster.

  The nurse places the microphone to her stomach, and within a few heartbeats there are whooshing sounds coming through the speaker. My eyes dart to Cami’s and she nods. I sit down on the foot of her bed. My knees have gone weak. “Sounds good. Your vitals look good, but, Ms. Enders, I recommend that you relax and get some sleep.”

  “I will,” she says, but again the conviction isn’t in her voice.

  “We can give you something to help you sleep.”

  “Let me try first.”

  “All right,” the nurse says, putting her equipment away, and she leaves the room. Cami’s stomach is still exposed; my eyes go to it and she quickly tries to cover it.

  ‘Never, ever cover yourself from me,” I say as I take her hands and move them from her gown. “Not now, not ever,” I say as I lift her gown again. I lean forward and I kiss the small swell of her stomach. I can hear Cami start crying again. Her hand comes to rest on my cheek. My head turns and I kiss the palm of her hand, and she uses her fingers to tell me to come to her. I stand and walk toward her, leaning over her and the bed. She takes my face between her hands.

  “I love this,” she says as her fingers play with my stubble. “I love you.” She pulls me down and kisses me. She kisses me like she’s never kissed me before, and I can’t help but kiss her back. All the love we have for each other pours between us: no walls, no barriers, just pure love.

  I reluctantly pull myself away from her. I need to go and talk to everyone. They’re all downstairs, waiting for
news on Cami and what is going on. As soon as Beau sees me, they all come running toward me. “She’s all right. Shattered, but she’s all right.”

  “What’s going on?” Beau asks, “what happened?”

  I walk past them to the waiting room and take a seat. I feel like I’ve just run three marathons. “She’s been here in Phoenix the entire time.”

  “What? Where?” It’s Mick who asks.

  “Her old apartment.”

  “Oh, for hell,” Beau says.

  “But what about her now? What happened?”

  “She called an ambulance because she was weak and exhausted, she started bleeding and she thought something was wrong. She’s pregnant.”

  There are joint gasps of shock. I am sure someone is doing the math in their head, but frankly I don’t care. I know it’s mine.

  “Did she?” Jo asks.

  I look up at her standing next to Tyson, who has his arm wrapped tightly around her. “No, she’s fine. The baby’s fine. They’re keeping her overnight for observation.”

  There is a heavy weight that lifts from the room; the tension is gone in one big swoop and all I want to do is cry.

  Beau kneels down in front of me, looking up into my eyes. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m wrecked, Beau. I’m so unbelievably happy that she’s alive, that she is well, and that she is here. But I am scared shitless that she will leave again. I’m scared shitless about the baby, I’m happy, I’m tired, I’m— I don’t know. I’m just wrecked.”

  She puts her hand on my knee, a comforting gesture, and I put my hand over hers. “Thank you for putting up with me these last few weeks.”

  “She’s my best friend, Tristan, and whether she believes it or not, she loves you insanely. We just need to do what we can to protect her from all this stupid bullshit, and after she has this baby, I’m kicking her ass.” She smiles, but I know she’s ready to just lay into Cami for what she’s put me through.

  “Later,” I say with a half smile. “She doesn’t want to see anyone tonight. I’m sure she feels awful about everything and what she’s put you all through. So let’s give her some time.”

  Everyone agrees, and they all head out, little by little. “You need to call Trav,” Jo tells me as she hugs me goodbye. “He’s worried about you.”

  “Thanks, Jo. For everything.”

  “Always. We’ll see you later,” she says as she takes Tyson’s hand and they leave.

  I pull out my phone and call Travis.

  “Please tell me you have some good news for once.”

  “She’s all right. The hospital called me.”

  “Shit, what happened?”

  “She’s pregnant, Trav.”

  “I don’t know whether or not to congratulate you or tell you to run like hell.”

  “Congrats will do. It is going to be a long road, but we’ll figure this out.”

  “You sure?” I know that voice. It’s the same one he uses whenever he’s concerned.

  “Yeah, I’m sure. It won’t be easy, but I’d rather work through us and this than not.”

  “All right, bro, we’ll be in town in a couple of days. Kiss Cami for me.”

  “Tell Naomi I said hi.”

  “Sure thing. Later.”

  And just like that, he’s gone. Travis and I understand each other in ways I never knew two men could understand anyone but their partners. Travis loves Cami to pieces and he wants to see me happy, and despite the rollercoaster ride of these last couple of months, she makes me happier than anything.

  Before I can enter Cami’s room again, my phone rings. Blocked. I roll my eyes and decide that I don’t want to go into Cami’s room hot because of her father. It’s time for his nightly call, wondering if we’ve heard anything. He can wait until tomorrow.

  That is the only thing that has stayed consistent since she disappeared: Bobby has called every night, wondering and waiting with me. Though I don’t think he deserves it, Cami needs to know he’s been trying. Another day.

  I enter Cami’s room and get past the curtain. She’s sleeping, and it is a beautiful sight to see. Judging by the bags under her eyes, I imagine that she, like me, hasn’t slept much. Maybe even less than I have.

  I rub my chin, debating on whether or not to keep the scruff. Her comment makes me smile, and before long, regardless of how uncomfortable this chair is, I doze off.

  I’m woken up several times throughout the night when the nurse comes in to check her vitals. I’m thankful that Cami manages to sleep through it all, but I never get tired of hearing that whooshing sound.

  At some point I fall asleep with my head on the mattress and am woken up to the feeling of Cami’s fingers stroking through my hair. “Hi, beautiful.”

  “Hi beautiful yourself.” It is so great to hear her say that. “They’re going to be in here in a few minutes to do an ultrasound. If everything looks good, I’ll get to go home.”

  “Please tell me you’re coming home to your condo.”

  “Is that where you want me to be?”

  Did I not make it clear enough last night? “Absolutely. It is your home, Cams, not mine. Hell, I’ve been sleeping on the couch.”

  “Well, we don’t need to both be miserable.” She gives me a half smile.

  “But you need to want to be there too. This isn’t about me.”

  “I want to be there, and I want you to be there with me,” she says. “If you’ll stay.”

  “I can’t think of any place I’d rather be.”

  THIRTY-SEVEN

  ******

  Cami

  ******

  He’s here, and he’s here to stay. I don’t deserve him or his willingness to forgive me, but I can’t even begin to imagine how I was going to go through this without him. I was so stupid to run away, especially considering all the answers to all of my problems were simple solutions.

  A nurse and Dr. Tolleson come into the room; the nurse is pushing a cart with an ultrasound machine on it...or at least I’m assuming that’s what all that equipment is.

  “You look better this morning, Ms. Enders. Did you get some rest?” Dr. Tolleson asks.

  “Yes, I did.”

  “Good. We’re going to take a look, see how you’re doing. Judging by your skin color, we’ve managed to rehydrate you some. That’s a good thing.” He busies himself with the machine, setting it up and getting ready to do his thing. I look at Tristan and there is an awed look in his eyes as he takes in what’s about to happen. It probably mirrors my own look. When I came in last night, I was in really bad shape, and they were quick with the machine.

  Once Dr. Tolleson is finished with the machine he looks at me, then at Tristan. “Mr. Michaels, I presume.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Seems as though I made the right call last night.” I smirk a little bit at their exchange. “My daughter is a huge fan.”

  I watch as Tristan’s shock registers; he looks like hell, and how in the hell could he know? “Thank you, sir.”

  Dr. Tolleson nods and then reaches for my blanket to pull it down. I can’t help but look down my own body and realize just how much it’s already changed and is going to change over the next few months. “Do you know how far along you are, Cameron?”

  “Cami, please? And—” I’m ashamed to admit it. “—no, I don’t.”

  “Well, let’s see if we can find out, shall we?” Tristan and I both look at each other. His eyes light up.

  “Absolutely,” he says, and he smiles — a real, genuine smile of excitement.

  Now that my stomach is exposed, Dr. Tolleson takes a tube off of the cart and squirts a warm liquid across my pelvic bone. “Ready?” I nod at him and he puts a transducer to my stomach. I can’t see anything that he’s looking at, but I can see Tristan trying to see too. “Let me take some measurements first, then I’ll share. Would you like pictures to take home with you?”

  “Please,” I say, and he continues what he’s doing.

  A couple o
f minutes go by and he’s ready to show us what he’s looking at. He turns the stand and the monitor in our direction. It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust to what I’m seeing, but there is a lot of static surrounding a black hole. In the center of that black hole is what looks like a little baby. My eyes fill with tears and I can’t really see what I’m looking at.

  “This little one is about three inches long, about the size of a peach. Which puts you at about thirteen weeks pregnant. Have you been sick?” he asks me.

  “In the beginning I was, but for about the last two weeks or so, not so much,” I say as I try and clear my eyes.

  “That’s pretty normal for this stage of pregnancy. The blood tests we ran from last night confirm the ultrasound at about thirteen weeks. Do you know when your last period was?”

  I shake my head. “I was on the shot. I was scheduled to have received it again on August second and I missed my appointment.”

  “Well, if your blood and the measurements are correct, you probably conceived around September fifth.” Instantly my mind starts going a million miles a minute, trying to think about that day, but nothing comes to me. “Which would put your due date about May twenty-seventh.”

  “You’re kidding,” I say, slightly shocked.

  “Nope. Is there a significance to that date?”

  I shake my head; it is not my doctor’s business. Tristan looks at me too, but I just shake my head.

  “Well, you’re well on your way. I would still follow up with your regular doctor within the next seven days, just so that they can check things out and make sure you’re doing okay. Drink plenty of liquids and get some rest. I recommend bed rest, at least through the weekend, but there are no restrictions. I will have the nurse come in with your discharge papers and you’re free to go.”