Ma, I've Reached for the Moon an I'm Hittin the Stars

by Martha Long

  I stared, waiting to see what he thought.

  ‘You look . . .’ he said, trying to think. ‘Beautiful,’ he said, dragging the word out then grabbing my hand and marching me out the door.

  We walked into the sitting room with Ralph going ahead. I slowed down. Immediately my eyes lit on the vamp propping herself up at the mantelpiece, holding out a long black cigarillo. I looked again. I hope they’re not fucking my ones! I left them sitting there in a box!

  She suddenly shifted herself, losing the half-dead, bored look and slowly made to stand herself up straight, letting her eyes home in on Ralph as she took in a slow deep breath, making her chest heave in and out. Then she stood, bringing the cigarillo slowly to her mouth, taking in a long drag while she studied us, flicking her eyes over me, seeing that I was with him. Then she dismissed me, pinning her eyes back on him, blowing out her smoke in a long, slow, sexy puff, looking like she was blowing a kiss.

  I stood watching the smoke blow out then waft around her, making it look like she needed the fire extinguisher. Then she sighed, lifting her face, and oozed her way over with the hips slowly rocking and her left arm held lazily in the air, saying, ‘Ralph! Blah ohhhh poufff!’ like she was nearly crying. He answered in French, letting her keep her hand lightly on his arm as she tried to lead him away. He muttered something to her, giving her a smile, then took my arm, saying, ‘Please may I introduce my dear friend, Martha Long!’

  They all stood up, looking me over, waiting politely with enquiring looks and ready smiles.

  ‘Martha! May I introduce my good friend Jacques de Montfort.’

  ‘I am charmed, Madame, most delighted,’ he said, bowing and kissing my hand when I held it out for a shake.

  So that’s Ralph’s friend. Gawd, he’s nearly as handsome as Ralph, I thought, seeing the impeccable cut of his clothes, with the dark wool jacket and matching trousers, the white-linen shirt and gold cufflinks. He had thick, dark-brown wavy hair brushed back off his head, and sapphire-blue eyes that looked deep into you. They looked like he was smiling at seeing something inside you that interested him.

  Yeah, they are about the same age. I can see why they would be friends. He is a real gentleman and very charming. They would have a lot in common.

  ‘This is Heinrich von Leiberstrum.’

  My eyes peeled on him, looking into the face of a blond man about the same age. He had dead-straight silky hair combed back with not a strand out of place. He stood very erect then bowed, taking my hand gently but firmly, saying, ‘Madame, it is an honour to meet you,’ then he bowed from the waist.

  ‘And his good lady wife Isolda,’ Ralph said.

  ‘How do you do?’ I gushed, looking at Isolda with the shiny blue eyes flashing a lovely white smile, with the lovely white teeth and the matching face. My eyes lifted to the mop of curly blonde hair and the rosy-red lips. Then I looked down at the snow-white hand, looking weighted down with the dazzling diamond ring and the diamond-and-white-gold watch. I could smell the whiff of exotically delicious and expensive perfume as it wafted up me nose when she leaned in to shake my hand.

  Jaysus, I forgot to even put a squirt of perfume on meself, I nearly cried, wanting to run off and nurse me sorrow. If only I was sitting here now, dressed up to the nines in my lovely new frock and the diamond earrings Ralph bought me. The curse a Jaysus on him for not warning me!

  Then we all sat down and drinks were poured. They got their glasses refilled, with the men helping themselves after taking care of the women.

  ‘Darling, your drink,’ Ralph said, coming over and handing me a big glass of white wine.

  I sipped, watching him and Jacques talking while he busied himself opening new packs of cards, taking them out of the cellophane then putting them down on the two little card tables covered in heavy green felt that were set standing in the middle of the room.

  ‘Are you German?’ I said, turning to Isolda, trying to make myself look polite.

  ‘Oh, yes, I am from Switzerland, and vere are you vrom?’ she said, sounding very German.

  ‘I am from Ireland,’ I said, leaving out the ‘vrom’, nearly getting carried away with copying her, I was that busy listening to her lovely accent.

  ‘Oh, how very lovely. I have vished myself to visit your lovely country! But you see ve are so very busy. It is the seasons, you see. Now ve are in the snow season it is time vor the skiing! Ve go next veek! You vill be coming also? It vould be so nice if you vere to join us! You like to ski, of course?’

  ‘Of course! That sounds wonderful!’ I said, throwing an eye over at Ralph to see did he catch that one. I hardly know what snow looks like, never mind how to slide in it.

  ‘Please, do tell me a little about your country. I have heard so many vonderful things about it! I believe it is vonderfully charming and, of course, your history is so terribly tragic,’ she said, looking like the mother of all sorrows. ‘My husband Heinrich, he knows so much. These things are all so very interesting vor him. He is a diplomat, you see. So I must listen ven he speaks. Because it is good vor me also. Then I vill be informed. So please, do tell me vat you can!’ she said, all glittering eyes and teeth, sitting forward to hear every word as I took in a sharp breath.

  ‘Oh, it is very charming,’ I said, smiling and nodding slowly with her as she listened, making it look like I am absolutely fascinating with the things I have to tell her. ‘Well, it is a small island out in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean,’ I said then stopped, wondering about that. Is it really? Jaysus, I should have kept me mouth shut about that one. I don’t know much about geography. She waited while I paused.

  ‘Now, our main industry is agriculture. You see, we have a lot of land and very few people, because our main industry is in the export! We have to export the population. Emigrate! We’ve been doing it since the famine! Since the British starved us out of it,’ I said, wondering where all me information was coming from.

  I saw her smile, beginning to get a bit tired. This wasn’t very interesting. So then I said, ‘Now, we were a very primitive people. Not like yourselves, you Continentals. No, we were stuck on an island with only our nearest neighbours, the British, for company. But we didn’t like them! So we were very much on our own. You see, we are the furthest point west. Once you get to our little island, you can’t go any further. Next stop is America. Yes, we are the last outpost of Western Europe. It is very remote.

  ‘It brings out the best in people and it can bring out the worst. We’re very passionate. We can be very raw, primitive, but that’s mostly a good thing. It stirs us to great passions. We are fiercely independent. We make great soldiers. The British wouldn’t have won their wars without us fighting Irish. We won their wars for them. We even fought the wars for the Americans, right back to some of their finest generals during the war of independence, under George Washington. Oh, yes, they were the Irish. The passion stirs us to other things as well. For such a tiny island, we have produced some of the most powerful people on the earth. Kennedy in the White House for one. There was a lot more before him. We have produced some of the greatest writers known to man. Beckett, Joyce, Yeats, Sean O’Casey. I can name them all. All this from such a tiny island. What kind of place can produce that, you probably ask yourself. Well, it’s the culture, it’s our history and, more importantly, it’s our weather. During the winters, we have nothing to do but sit indoors and think! So let me tell you a little about it.

  ‘Now, about our nearest neighbours the English. Well, I do have to say, we have made great progress since we managed to run them out of the country.’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ she breathed, seeing how serious this all was, nodding and agreeing with me.

  I felt delighted I had something to talk about. ‘Well,’ I said, ‘now we don’t keep pigs in the kitchen any more.’

  ‘No?’ she said, shaking her head.

  ‘No,’ I said, ‘and not just that, but we gave up the donkeys and carts. They’re swapped now for motor cars!’

  ‘Really?
’ she breathed. ‘Yes, I have seen this postcards vit the donkey and carts you are speaking of!’

  ‘Yes, they used them for carrying the turf,’ I said, ‘but not any more. Especially since the lottery came in. Now we have farmers winning the million and buying themselves Maseratis. They use them to carry the hay!’

  ‘Really?’ she said.

  ‘Oh, yes!’ I said. ‘They throw it up on the roof rack and it’s away with them, flying around the country roads with the hay blowing off the top and not a bother on them,’ I puffed. ‘Oh, yes, we are getting very modern now, we even have colour televisions. But the only problem now is, in the country they can only get the one television station. RTÉ, that’s the national TV station.’

  ‘But this land, you say it is not many people . . . So it must be very lonely!’

  ‘Oh, very,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘The poor farmers never see a woman from one end of the day to the next, especially along the west. You see, the women won’t marry a farmer. The life is too hard! They prefer the bright lights of England or America. There, the living is easier for them.’

  ‘Most fascinating,’ she said, shaking her head slowly, looking at me like I was the next best thing to Einstein himself. ‘And vot else can you tell me about your vonderful country?’

  ‘Oh, let me see,’ I said, thinking. ‘Well, we have the highest rate of madness in Europe!’

  ‘Really?’ she gasped.

  ‘Oh, yes, you see it comes from all the inbreeding! We only have a little population, only under three million! We had eight million during the famine!’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Oh, yes, so you get the picture, Isolda, very lonely for the poor people isolated on their farms. So they go mad, especially all the dark nights sitting on your own with only the dog for company! Sure, who wouldn’t go mad? And knowing at the end of it you are going to die a virgin. A very . . . eh, have no family! Nothing to show for your life’s work. Sure, what kind of life is that?’

  ‘Yes, so true!’ she said, jumping in to agree with me.

  Then, the woman with the coiffeured brown hair moved closer to nod and agree as she had turned to listen in.

  ‘Françoise, ve are talking, Martha and I, about her beautiful island! I must visit, soon, very soon. As soon as the season ends!’

  Françoise followed Isolda’s nods with her own nods, listening and then looking to nod at me as we all leaned into each other, nodding.

  ‘Ladies, may we please take our seats?’ the men called, looking over with drinks in their hands, waiting, smiling and holding out a hand to the chairs.

  I noticed the vamp was sitting opposite Ralph, so she must be his partner! ‘Fuck, that one never gives up,’ I snorted, muttering to meself, then looked to see her husband Jacques take a place on the next table. There were four to a table, with everyone having a partner. They played with each other against the rest of the players.

  ‘It was so lovely to talk vit you, we must talk again,’ Isolda said, laying her hand on my shoulder. Then I watched them all sitting down while Ralph organised the Madame’s nibbles on little tables close to hand.

  I sat watching and sipping and nibbling and dozing, then I got up and wandered over to bend down close to Ralph, getting a look at his hand. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be looking for but I stared, trying to make myself look very intelligent. Anyway, I didn’t get too close, because it wouldn’t look right. They were all looking very civilised and sitting up straight, giving all their attention to the cards held out in their hands. Someone would put a card down and their partner would watch very closely, then put one down too. Otherwise there was dead silence except for the occasional lifting of the hand to take up a drink and sip while keeping their eyes on their cards and watching to see what their partner was doing.

  Ralph managed to take his eyes off his cards and the vamp long enough to give me a wink, then settled his attention back on the game. Then someone called, or whatever it was they did, and people started putting their cards down, counting them. Suddenly Ralph let a roar at Madame Butterfly, pointing and showing his own cards as he put them down. She waved her hands and puffed and pooh-ed, then shook her shoulders, taking a delicate sip of her wine, looking tragic and pitiful as she pleaded at him, talking rapidly, showing her own cards. But it was lost on him. He was too busy stabbing her cards, waving at his own, then people stood up, making for the drinks and taking a stretch.

  19

  I moved over to the mantelpiece, looking for me cigarillos. They were gone! I looked, seeing the vamp take one out of a box that looked suspiciously like mine. Then she lit it up and lifted her neck, blowing smoke into the air before blowing Ralph a kiss, leaning across saying something that sounded like, ‘Oh, do not be cross with me, you will break my heart!’

  I snorted and raged, feeling my heart flying and my blood boiling, watching him shake his head at her, then lean forward, puffing out a mock annoyance. Then I was marching over and whipping up the box, saying, ‘Merci, Madame! Do you mind if I take one? I do not mind in the least, sharing them with you,’ I said, keeping my face neutral.

  ‘Poouuf,’ she breathed with a little wave of the hand, dismissing me. I saw Ralph stare, looking like he was astonished, then waiting to laugh as his eyes followed me sashaying in me boots over to the fireplace and doing a ‘vamp’, lighting up my cigarillo then leaning back and blowing smoke into the air, giving him a big smile plastered on my face. But he could see my eyes were smouldering with the rage and boring holes into the vamp as I turned to look at her. She sighed and leant forward, holding out her glass then putting it on the table, looking to him to get her a drink.

  He stood up, saying, ‘Martha, would you like another drink, darling?’

  Darling he called me in front of her! I beamed. ‘Yes, please, that would be lovely,’ I purred, dropping my pursed lips in her direction.

  She took that in – it was very quick – but then she feasted her eyes on him, letting a smile light them up. Then she stood and made her way over slowly to the drinks and leaned in beside him, brushing her right breast against him. He turned and handed her a drink, then she put her hand on his shoulder and let it drop down his chest, looking up very intently to his face, saying something. He smiled and shrugged, standing talking with my drink in his hand while I waited. Then I marched over, saying, ‘Thank you, Ralph, you are very kind,’ and pushed in gently, getting in her way.

  ‘Do be kind, darling,’ Ralph whispered, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek.

  I moved off, wandering over to see what the others were up to. Jacques was huddled over by the window talking to Heinrich and Françoise. They looked like they were having an argument, with lots of shrugs and huffing and puffing and waving arms and raising eyebrows. Then they all seemed to agree, with the nodding of heads at each other.

  Ah, fuck this! I suddenly thought, making my way out and heading into the kitchen. Madame was slaving over the cooker, getting all red-faced from steaming pots and stuff getting lifted out of the oven. I felt like asking did she need a hand, it felt more real somehow. I couldn’t be easy in myself in that room with those people. I haven’t a clue what they are saying and it’s bloody hard going being so polite all the time. So leave them to it, Martha. Take a break. Jaysus! I need to try and get my bearings. I’m not used to feeling so out of control. It’s the nerves worrying about Ralph; the emotions are flying too high. I have never been in love like this before. Now I know why it can drive people mad, even wanting to commit murder. Jaysus, I was always so easy-going around people, especially men! I never had a problem, now I feel like I’m from outer space. I’m off kilter. It feels like I am reeling from one powerful emotion to the next. It’s that bleedin Madame Butterfly. She’s determined to get Ralph. But if you were calm and thinking, Martha, you would look at it like this. She was around before you came here and she is still here but not with him. You are, so, as he said, trust him and act your age, woman. Stop behaving like a bleedin halfwit! Right, I sighed
. Just give him space and simply ignore her, let her get on with her fun and games. If you were thinking clearly, you would sit back and enjoy it.

  Right! Take it easy, sit back and enjoy her making a fool of herself. Mind you, no one else seems to take notice. It looks like they think this is all normal, hanging out of Ralph with her husband right within eyeball distance. Yeah, he doesn’t seem to care. Hmm. Never mind, enjoy yourself, give up the nonsense, Martha. You will be a long time dead. These are very much the good times rolled around again. Only this is beyond your wildest dreams. You have Ralph back in your life. Not just that but now you are a woman on equal terms, living with him in his very own home. Jaysus! Be grateful, Martha, he loves you! He is all the time proving that. Oh, thank you, God, for looking after me. I survived the massive suicide attempt and now here I am reaching for the moon and hitting the stars. My God, he must be in his heaven, because all is well with my world, I sighed happily, giving a big smile to Madame as she turned around to look at me, brushing a stray bit of damp grey hair out of her eyes.

  Then she said something to someone walking in the door. A girl came in and picked up the covered dishes Madame had just landed on the table and wheeled over a trolley, putting them on the trays and making out the door. Oh! We must be having dinner in the dining room with that lot. They must be guests staying for dinner.

  My heart flew. Jaysus, the state of me! I took out the door and flew up the stairs, making straight for my room. Right, change, get ready! What will I wear? Bleedin hell, wouldn’t I just love now to have had a long soak in a bubble bath. ‘Ah, Jaysus, Ralph, did it not occur to you to tell me what was going on?’ I moaned, creasing my face into a crying look. I will never get ready in time. It will be very bad manners if I suddenly disappeared, leaving them all waiting. Ralph would not start the dinner until everyone is seated. No, Martha, leave it. Much better to go as you are and not cause trouble. He would only lose face over being involved with someone as hick-country as me. Anyway, I would be only letting myself down as well. No chance! Get moving. The dinner is already heading in.