After Math

by Denise Grover Swank

  “When Tucker’s not focused it becomes my problem. You’re getting in the way.”

  It takes a moment for what he’s said to sink in. “I’m tutoring him, and he’s improved dramatically. How can that be interfering?”

  He leans closer to my ear and half-whispers, “We both know that’s not what I’m talking about.”

  I suck in my breath.

  “I know Tucker was part of an altercation earlier today, and it was because of you.”

  I want to protest, but what he’s said is true.

  “And we both know that Tucker is under disciplinary probation.”

  I close my eyes. Oh, God.

  “You’re not Tucker’s usual type. I confess. I’m confused by you.”

  I force myself to answer. “I’m not sure what you think is going on between us, but I can assure you that we’re just friends.” Not that I want to be, but here I am nonetheless.

  He smiles, but it’s cold and ugly. “You can pretend that’s the case, but Tucker is infatuated with you, and it’s distracting him.”

  “Then you’re talking to the wrong person.”

  “No, I think you can fix this. As I said, it’s easy to see you’re not his usual type. He’s not used to waiting, if you know what I mean.”

  His full meaning sinks in and the blood pools in my feet. “I’m done here.” I turn around and start back down the hall, but he grabs my arm and pulls me to a halt.

  “You may be done here, but I’m not. Tucker’s worked hard to get where he is, and admittedly, he’s hit a road bump here and there, but he’d gotten back on track. Until you.”

  I jerk my arm out of his grasp. “I’m not discussing this with you.”

  “Scarlett.” His tone softens. “It’s obvious you care about Tucker. So think of it this way. Do you really want to stand in his way? Don’t you want to do what’s best for Tucker?”

  “I have no control over how Tucker feels or doesn’t feel.” I’m not fooled by his switch in tactics. I could tell him Tucker doesn’t want a relationship with me, and I might have if he’d taken a less offensive approach. Let him stew. “If I don’t fall in line, can I expect a visit from Marcel next?”

  Confusion clouds Jason’s eyes. “Who the hell is Marcel?”

  I stare at him for several seconds. How can he not know Marcel? Did Tucker lie or was Jason lying about being Tucker’s brother? I turn and leave him behind without a word.

  “He won’t stick around.” Jason calls after me.

  Against my better judgment, my feet stick to the floor, but I keep my back to him.

  “Tucker’s incapable of loving anyone. Why do you think he parties so much? He’s terrified of getting close to anyone. The moment he starts to feel something real for you, he’ll bolt. That’s what Tucker does. He runs.”

  I close my eyes in horror. I believe him.

  “Do yourself and Tucker a favor and end anything between you now.”

  My feet find their will to move, and they don’t stop until I sit in my chair. I must look shell-shocked because Tina leaves the student she’s tutoring and sits in the chair next to me. “What just happened?”

  “I’ve been told to leave Tucker Price alone.”

  “By who? Who was that?”

  “He claims he’s Tucker’s brother.”

  “Jason?”

  My eyes sink closed. I’d hoped he lied, especially since he didn’t know about Marcel. I’d hoped it was a sick joke by one of Tucker’s friends. “Yeah.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  I’m not used to standing up for myself except in rare occasions. It’s always been a choose-your-battle thing, and most battles just weren’t worth fighting for. Until now. “I’m going to keep tutoring Tucker. That’s all there is between us.”

  Her eyes soften. “Are you sure that’s all there is?”

  My lips press together into a frown. “That’s what he told me this morning.”

  “Ouch.”

  I shrug. “It’s for the best.” I lift my chin. “But I refuse to be bullied into not tutoring him. The math department needs that program, and he’s done really well with our tutoring sessions. The only way I’ll stop is if he tells me he’s done.”

  “And maybe hope he changes his mind.”

  I can’t deny it. Part of me hopes he does.

  Chapter Seventeen

  On Thursday, Tucker shows up for Western civ, but other than offering me a sad smile when he walks in, he doesn’t pay any attention to me for the rest of the class. When the hour’s over, he leaves before I can say anything to him. Not that I would. He made his choice. I won’t beg him.

  I don’t want to arrive at Panera early, but it’s like a sickness and I can’t help myself. I’m not sure what I’ll find. Will Tucker be early again? Will he even show at all?

  But he’s here. Waiting outside. The day is overcast and his hands are stuffed under his armpits. He turns his head toward me, but there’s no smile this time. Only sorrow and disappointment.

  He opens the door for me, and we walk inside without saying a word. I head straight for our usual table, but Tucker goes up to the counter and returns with coffees and a bagel for me. I look up at him, and he stares back, his face expressionless, as though he’s waiting for my reaction.

  The events of yesterday come rushing back in to my head. My eyes well with tears. Tucker’s eyes widen before he slides into the booth seat next to me, wrapping an arm around my back and pulling my head to his chest.

  “Scarlett. I’m sorry.”

  I have no idea what he’s sorry for—for my tears, for his unwillingness to take a chance on me—I only know that when he holds me close, the anxiety is gone even if the pain remains. For the last nine years, since my first panic attack, I’ve searched everywhere for a way to ease the panic. And here it is with Tucker.

  Where is the justice in that?

  We sit like this for a long time, like the night outside my apartment. Tucker presses his cheek to my temple.

  “Are you better?”

  I could tell him no, in hope that he’ll hold me longer, but I refuse to lie to him. Especially him. Even if it gets me what I want most in the world. “Yes.”

  “Want to talk about it?”

  What is there to say? He told me what he wanted yesterday. There’s nothing to discuss. “I think we should get started with your lesson. We’re already late getting started, thanks to me.”

  “Scarlett…”

  I shake my head as he watches me. “Don’t.”

  He nods and moves across the table, pulling his books out of his bag.

  I reach for my coffee, and my hand shakes. Damn it. The stress of this week is destroying all the progress I’ve made in the last two years. All this time, I thought that if I worked hard enough at school I’d graduate and get the perfect job, and then I’d be totally self-sufficient and never need anyone to make me feel complete. My mother spent my entire life running after men, trying to find one who would take care of her. Admittedly, most were losers, but there were a few who were kind to me and stuck around long enough to fill in for the father I’d never known but always longed for. Yet every time I got attached one of them and relied on them to be part of my life, Momma soon moved onto greener pastures, and I was left with a giant hole in my heart. It didn’t take long to see that I couldn’t count on anyone or anything to stay with me. My life is a revolving door for people. I’ve accepted this, and despite my occasional dating attempts, I’m prepared to live my life alone.

  What Tucker doesn’t know is that I don’t expect him to stay. I don’t expect anyone to stay.

  His hand covers mine, and I realize I’m looking out the window, crying. He wipes my tears from my cheeks and stares at me, his face unreadable.

  He doesn’t say anything, and my heart is breaking into pieces. How can I feel this way about someone I just met a few weeks ago? Perhaps it’s because for the first time in my entire life, I’m not invisible.

  Panic swims
in his eyes when my tears still flow. “I think I get this part.” He points to his notebook. “Do you want to work on something of your own?”

  I pull out my own books, starting to freak out that I’ve spent so much time crying about my love life, or at least my pathetic attempts at it, that I’ve lost valuable study time for my math test on Friday. And when I have attempted to study, I’ve been unable to focus. I take several deep breaths. I need to calm down.

  His hand reaches across the table and covers mine, and I close my eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” I push out. “I have a test tomorrow, and I’m not nearly ready.”

  “You’ll do fine, Scarlett.”

  I open my eyes and search his face. His smile is full of confidence and pride.

  “How can you possibly know that?”

  He turns serious, his thumb stroking the back of my hand. “Because I believe you can do anything you set your mind to.”

  I bite my lip, uncertain how to respond. How can this boy I’ve known such a short time have more faith in me than my own family? More faith than anyone who’s ever been part of my life?

  How can he expect me to sit here with him when he admits he wants to be with me, yet refuses to do anything about it? I’d rather he take a chance and break my heart than tease me with something I can never have.

  I close my books and pick up my bag. “I can’t do this.” I shake my head, and my fingers tremble as I try to open the clasp of my pack. “I thought I could, but I just can’t. It hurts too much.” Maybe I look like a fool telling him that, but I promised myself I’d be honest with him. If I’m telling him goodbye, he deserves to know why.

  His face pales, and he reaches for my hand. I close my eyes as he cradles my palm, waiting for him to say something. Anything.

  I wait for at least ten seconds.

  Maybe we can be friends later, but for now, I need some distance. I pull my hand from his. My trembling fingers struggle to shove my books in my bag. Then I stand, hesitating. Giving him one last chance before I walk away.

  He looks up at me in horror, but remains silent.

  My only thought is that I need to escape to the sanctuary of my room. I’ve held it together as long as I can. I walk as calmly as possible out to my car, but my fingers fumble with my keys. Frustration wells up in me, adding to my heaping pile of pain and fear, and a sob escapes. Why can’t I open the damn door? It’s such a simple thing. It’s a fucking door, but I can’t even do that right.

  I can’t ever do anything right. My own mother doesn’t want me. Why would I think someone else would?

  I’ve always known I’d be alone. How is it that for years I’ve accepted that fate without qualm, yet a few weeks with Tucker makes that feel like a death sentence?

  More tears blur my eyes, and the keyhole is impossible to see. I need to calm down. I need to get myself together and get out of here before I make a fool of myself.

  “Scarlett, wait.” Tucker is behind me and wraps his arms around my stomach, pulling my back to his chest.

  I lean my head against him and try to catch my breath. “You can’t have it both ways, Tucker. It’s not fair.” Even as I say the words, I realize how ridiculous they are. Nothing in life is fair. I’m not naïve enough to believe in fairness, yet I’m insisting on it anyway. But this is something within my control, as limited as it is. And Tucker’s right. I’m all about control.

  “I know.” His voice is heavy and choked. But he doesn’t say anything else, and I know his answer. I’ve known it all along. He made it perfectly clear yesterday. Maybe Jason is right. Maybe Tucker is afraid to get close to me, and the only way he can handle it is to keep me at arm’s length. I can’t make him want me, and I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than beg him. The choice is his. Unfortunately for me, he’s already made it.

  Taking a deep breath, some of my hysteria evaporates, leaving cold determination in its wake. I gently push Tucker’s hands down and unlock my car. He doesn’t stop me, and I have no idea what he’s thinking or feeling because I refuse to look in his face. I start the car and grip the steering wheel. You can do this.

  And I can. Even if it kills any hope of ever being loved in the process.

  I back up and drive away, Tucker still standing where I left him. I watch him in my mirror until I turn the corner and he’s gone.

  With a shaky voice, I utter the word he begged me not to say, but I need to say it now because I need the closure. “Goodbye.”

  ***

  I call in sick to the math lab, and go home with the intention of studying. Instead, I lie on the bed and take a nap. When I wake up an hour later, I’m still depressed, but my head has cleared enough for me to study.

  Caroline comes home and finds me in my room, huddled over my desk. “Why aren’t you at work?”

  I offer her a grim smile. “I have a big test tomorrow. I need to study so I called in sick.”

  Her eyes widen. “You called in sick when you’re not?”

  I offer her a teasing smile, but I’m sure she can see it’s forced. “Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”

  “Apparently not. I just found out from Tina that Tucker beat up Daniel in The Higher Ground yesterday.” She’s upset that I didn’t tell her. It’s thinly veiled, but there all the same.

  “Tucker did not beat up Daniel. It was one punch.”

  She throws up her hands. “Only one punch? But it was over you, right?”

  I sigh in exasperation. “What do you want me to say, Caroline? Daniel was making rude statements about me, and Tucker overheard.”

  “But Tuck—”

  “Let’s get this out in the open: No, I’m not going on another date with Daniel. No, Tucker and I aren’t seeing each other. In fact, this afternoon, I quit being his tutor.” I tilt my head to the side. “Now is there anything else you want to know?” I don’t know why I’m taking my anger out on her. None of this is Caroline’s fault.

  She sags against the door frame, offering me a sad smile. “Is it true Tucker’s brother came to see you yesterday?”

  Tina and her big freaking mouth. “Yes, but it doesn’t matter one way or the other. I quit, remember?”

  “Yeah,” she says softly. “How are you doing with all of this? That’s a lot for you to deal with.”

  “I’m fine.” I look down at my desk. “I just need to concentrate on this test tomorrow.”

  “Are you hungry? I can make you some mac and cheese.”

  I release a soft laugh. Comfort food. “Yeah. Thanks.”

  She hangs on the door jamb, kneading her lower lip with her teeth. “I’m sorry about Daniel.”

  I don’t look up. “It’s not your fault. Nothing for you to be sorry about.”

  “But I pushed you…” Her voice trails off.

  I lift my eyes to hers. “You didn’t know. And we both know how resistant I am to trying new situations. I need you to push me sometimes. If Daniel had been great, I would have thanked you for it later.”

  After she leaves the room, I find a groove working the problems on my study guide. I stay up to three in the morning, studying. I hope it’s enough. My concentration is off and my mind keeps wandering to this afternoon. If I close my eyes I can feel Tucker’s arms wrapped around me, not that it matters. Tucker let me go.

  I suppose it’s better to find out now. Before my heart is broken anymore.

  Chapter Eighteen

  On Friday night, it’s Caroline’s turn to be nervous. She has another date with the guy she went out with on Sunday. This is the first guy she’s dated since she broke up with Justin in the fall. Honestly, I’m surprised it’s taken her this long. Caroline is cute and outgoing. People love her, especially guys. But she cocooned within herself for a few months, emerging into this new, more self-reliant woman. A broken bone sets and becomes stronger than it was before. Perhaps this will happen to me. Perhaps I’ll emerge from this situation, stronger and more confident. Seeing Caroline so happy makes me believe maybe
I can be happy, too. Someday.

  “You can come to the party, Scarlett. Tina says she’ll swing by and pick you up.”

  I shake my head. “I’m exhausted, and I don’t want to run into Daniel.”

  “He might not even be there.”

  “True, but I can’t take any more drama right now. Maybe in a few weeks.” I’m surprised to discover that I mean it.

  “You should be celebrating passing your test today, not sitting home pouting.”

  “First of all, I’m not pouting. And second, I don’t know that I did well, I only think that I did.”

  She waves her left hand while her right hand puts on a touch-up coat of mascara. “Please.”

  “Besides, I have an exciting evening planned with my abacus.”

  Her eyes widen as she stares at my reflection in the bathroom mirror.

  I grin. “Or maybe I’ll order a pizza and watch a movie on Netflix instead.”

  “Now you’re getting wild and crazy.”

  Lifting an eyebrow, I laugh. “I know, right?”

  Her date arrives, and Caroline leaves me instructions like I’m the babysitter staying with her kids. Even though my mood has lifted some, she’s still worried about leaving me.

  “Caroline,” I groan. “Go already.”

  When her date gets her out the door, I actually consider going to bed. I’m exhausted but it’s only nine-thirty. If I go to sleep now I’ll be up around six on a Saturday morning. I’m not one to sleep in, but that’s ridiculously early, even for me.

  The apartment is too quiet without her, and the emotions of the week make the walls of the apartment close in. I grab my coat and head down the stairs, stopping midway to face the half-empty parking lot. I sit on a step, leaning over my knees and breathing in the fresh air.

  Sitting outside, especially at night, has always helped clear my head. When I was growing up, and the fighting and the drinking got to be too much, I’d escape to the stairs out the back door of our trailer. Old habits die hard. The apartment is fairly quiet, but the outdoors has become ingrained as a partial cure for my unease. The cold from the concrete seeps through my jeans, but I ignore it as I take in deep, steady breaths.