After Math

by Denise Grover Swank

  I rest my head against the railing and close my eyes. The rational part of me assures the irrational part that life will go on without Tucker Price, and I know for a fact that it will. But that doesn’t ease the pain of him being ripped from my life.

  I hear a thud below me and open my eyes with a gasp.

  Tucker is standing at the foot of the stairs.

  He’s been running again, wearing shorts and a sweatshirt. He’s out of breath, and his shoulders rise and fall as he watches me.

  Neither of us speak. The parking lot light washes half his face with a pale glow, but his expression is unreadable. He looks as though he’s waiting for something. Is he waiting for me? He knows what I want. It’s up to him.

  He moves to the stairs, climbing them slowly until he’s several steps down, squatting in front of me. “Do you know why I’m here?” he asks, his voice husky.

  I shake my head, unable to find the words to answer.

  “Everything just feels so right when I’m with you, Scarlett. I can be me. But it’s more than that. You give me something I haven’t had in a long time, if ever. You give me peace. It’s like the jumbled mess in my head can settle down, and I can be still with you. Like none of the other stuff matters.” His voice catches, and he swallows. “I had a bad day and usually I’d get shitfaced drunk, but the only thing I could think of was I had to see you.”

  “Me, too,” I whisper, tears blurring my vision.

  He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. His tension washes away, then a grin tugs at the corners of his mouth. “You wanted to get shitfaced drunk?”

  A soft laugh escapes. “No, you give me peace.” I say the words, reinforcing how true they really are. When I’m with Tucker, my life makes sense.

  He turns serious. “I don’t want to hurt you, Scarlett. I tried to stay away from you, but I need you too much.”

  “Maybe I’ll hurt you,” I whisper as my eyes search his. “I’m broken, Tucker. I’m hopelessly broken inside, and I’m not sure there are enough pieces in me to put back together. But when I’m with you, I feel like maybe I can actually be whole.”

  I expect him to look at me with pity or disgust, but instead his eyes are full of desire. “That scares the hell out of me, Scarlett. I don’t want to break you more,” he murmurs, standing and pulling me to my feet. His left hand slides down my jaw to my neck.

  “You’ll break me more if you turn around and leave.”

  His lips find mine, tentative at first, as though he took my words to heart and he’s afraid I’ll shatter if he’s not gentle. His tongue works slow magic on my lips before discovering the inside of my mouth. He’s slow and tender, coaxing my tongue to join his.

  My stomach tingles, and an ache deep inside my abdomen catches me by surprise.

  I release a tiny gasp, and Tucker wraps an arm around my back, pressing me to his chest. His mouth is more insistent, and I’m lightheaded as we stand on the steps.

  His hand slips in the opening of my coat. I tense slightly as his fingers rest on my waist, but he wraps his arm around my back, his palm between my shoulder blades.

  I reach behind his neck, one hand burying in his hair while the other pulls his mouth harder against mine. I’m breathless with anticipation and longing.

  Encouraged, his lips are more demanding, and he presses so tightly against me that I can hardly move.

  I have never wanted anything more.

  I pull away from him and worry wrinkles his brow, but I offer him a gentle smile and take his hand, tugging him up the stairs to my apartment. When he shuts the door behind us, he watches me with fear in eyes.

  What is Tucker afraid of?

  I’m about to ask him when he slides my coat of my shoulders and slides it down my arms, throwing it onto the sofa. Smiling softly, I take his hand again and lead him down the hall.

  When he walks into my tiny room, he seems too big and out of place. He moves to the nightstand and turns on the lamp, filling the room with a soft glow. I close the door and press my back against it.

  “Where’s Caroline?” he asks, hesitant.

  “Gone. To a party.” My nerves make me breathless. For once I don’t mind my nervous jitters.

  I step toward him, and he pulls me to his chest, one hand behind my head and the other pressing on my back. I’m flush against him as he kisses me with pent-up longing . I wrap my arms around his neck. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

  “I shouldn’t be here, Scarlett,” he mumbles against my lips. “Send me home.”

  My response is to kiss him back. He makes me feel alive. His touch makes my body respond the way it’s never responded before. Kissing him fills me with an ache for more.

  I step back and grab the bottom of his sweatshirt, lifting up. I get it partway before he pulls it over his head and tosses it over the back of my desk chair. His t-shirt is next. I start to remove it, but he finishes, tossing it to the side as well.

  He’s bare from the waist up, and he’s gorgeous. I knew his arms were muscular, but I had no idea the rest of him was so toned. I reach for his shoulder, wanting to trace the outline of his well-defined muscles. His eyes sink closed as my fingers travel across his shoulders, and down his arms, then back up to explore his chest. His arms hang to his side, but his fingers twitch.

  His hands reach up for my shirt, unbuttoning the top button and working their way down until my shirt is hanging open. He pulls it off and throws it where his clothes went. His hands find my waist and skim my ribs as he stares into my eyes, searching for something.

  He unhooks my bra and lets the straps slide over my shoulders and down my arms. Now we’re both naked from the waist up.

  One hand reaches behind my neck as his mouth lowers to mine. His other hand cups my breast and fondles it, sending a jolt to my core. I moan, and he becomes more insistent, with both his hand and his mouth.

  I want to cry with happiness. Tucker is here with me, partially naked in my room, and he’s making my body feel more alive than I ever thought possible.

  “I’m trying to go slow for you, Scarlett,” he groans, his lips moving down to my neck. “But if you keep making noises like that, I’m liable to rip the rest of your clothes off and finish this too soon.” His teeth lightly graze my skin and his tongue follows.

  If he’s trying to stop my sounds, he’s taking the wrong path. Another moan escapes and he reaches for the button on my jeans and zipper, quickly undoing both and pulling my jeans over my hips. I step out of my slippers as well as my pants, suddenly self-conscious that I’m standing in front of Tucker wearing only a pair of panties.

  His eyes are on me as he kicks off his shoes and removes his shorts. He leaves on his underwear, as if he knows I need to take this in slow, manageable steps. But I don’t find that surprising. He’s always seen through me. Seen who I am and what I need.

  It’s one of many reasons I’m drawn to him. This man has the capability to help me heal.

  I’ve only known him a few weeks, yet long enough to know it’s true. Still, I keep the revelation to myself. Tucker may be willing to risk his heart coming to me tonight, but I have no doubt that a declaration of anything deep and meaningful will send him running.

  I know he’ll run at some point. I’m only trying to hold onto him as long as I can.

  His hand gently lifts my chin as he gazes into my eyes, worry etching his brow. “Hey, where’d you go?”

  I smile. “I’m here.”

  “No, you left me for a moment.” He pulls me to his chest. “We don’t have to do this, Scarlett. We don’t have to have sex for me to stay.”

  I shake my head. “No, I want this.” He makes my body feel everything I’ve hoped was possible, and I want it all before he walks out of my life. Ten years from now, I don’t want to regret that I didn’t share this with him.

  “But—”

  I reach for his neck and pull his mouth to mine, kissing him so that there’s no question of what I want. It’s the permission he needs, and he p
ushes me down on the bed, kissing me as he lies next to me.

  His hand splays on my abdomen. My muscles tighten in anticipation. His breath is on my neck, and his mouth trails kisses on my neck and chest. When his mouth finds my breast, I gasp, and my hips rise off the bed. His hand on my stomach pushes me down, then slides lower over my panties.

  I gasp for air as I’m bombarded by feelings I’ve only dreamed of. I’m not a virgin, although I’m far from experienced. Both guys I slept with before were inept and awkward. Tucker is neither. But it’s more than that. For the first time in my life, I truly trust someone. I trust him enough to completely give myself to him. The irony that it’s Tucker Price I’ve chosen to trust isn’t lost on me.

  His head raises, and he looks into my face. I pull his mouth to mine, needing more, needing him.

  He pulls my panties down, then rises on his elbow and takes them off the rest of the way. I’m naked, exposed. But this is Tucker, and he stares at me with awe and longing, and it makes me want so much more. Sex, yes, but something more meaningful.

  His hand slides between my legs as he kisses me again. I reach down and feel him through his underwear, and he moans. “Scarlett.”

  Then he gets up, and panic washes through me. Has he changed his mind? I push up on my elbows to see him sitting on the side of the bed, taking off his underwear. He reaches to the floor, digging in his shorts. When he turns around, holding a foil square, he sees my face and tenses. His free hand cups my face and lowers his mouth to mine, pushing me back down on the bed. “Relax. I’m not going anywhere.”

  I look up at him and smile.

  His mouth finds my breast while his hand is between my legs again. An ache builds deep inside, begging to be filled. I lift my hips up as I gasp, “Tucker. I want you.”

  He’s gone again, but this time he’s putting on a condom, then positioning himself between my legs. He braces his arms on either side of my head and stares into my eyes. I close my eyes, wanting to feel every second of this. To make it last forever in my memory, if this is the only chance I get with him.

  “Scarlett, open your eyes.”

  I do as he says, looking up at him with confusion.

  His eyes burn bright with desire. “I want you to see me when I come into you. I want you to know I’m here. I want you to know I see you.”

  His words spin my world upside down. He knows. He knows me and my fear, even though I’ve never said it. My gaze is locked on his as he enters me, slow and gentle. When he’s all the way in, his pace picks up and a knot of desperate need grows deep inside me. I need more of him. I tilt my pelvis up, and he sinks deeper, his eyes rolling back into his head. Then his gaze returns to mine. I’m climbing, and I’m spinning out of control.

  His hand brushes my hair out of my face. I need more. So much more. “Tucker, please.”

  My words set something loose, and he kisses me and everything moves faster. His breath is hot on the side of my face. I cling to him, needing him deeper until finally, I’m falling off a cliff, and I call out his name in a strangled voice.

  He’s close behind me, grunting. Then he kisses me, his mouth demanding, claiming, as though what we just did wasn’t enough to bind us together.

  There’s a crack in the armor encasing my heart. I’ve handed Tucker the opportunity to get closer to me than anyone has ever gotten.

  Or I’ve given him the opportunity to destroy me.

  Chapter Nineteen

  When I wake, I’m lying on my side with Tucker pressed against my back. He’s kissing my neck while his hand cups my breast. I suck in a breath and he chuckles, his chest vibrating my body.

  “Good morning,” he murmurs.

  “We can say good morning but not goodbye?”

  His mouth slows and his hand freezes. I’ve pushed him too far, although I don’t know how. He rolls me to my back and looks into my face, concern drawing down his eyebrows. Then his eyes light up with understanding. “You need rules.”

  I tense. “What?”

  “You need rules to help everything make sense. Especially with me. I keep you guessing and ungrounded.”

  I don’t know how to respond.

  “I’ve been watching you, Scarlett. Taking mental inventory of what makes you tick.”

  I laugh. “That sounds slightly creepy.”

  He looks taken aback, then shakes his head. “No, I’ve been trying to figure out why you’re different. Why I can trust you when I don’t trust anyone else.”

  There’s that word again. Trust. How is it that we both feel the same way? “And what did you come up with?”

  His fingertips slide gently down my cheek to my lips. His index finger glides across my bottom lip and his gaze fixates on it. Then his eyes rise to mine as his hand slides down to my neck. “It’s your soul. You have an old soul, Scarlett. I can see it lurking deep inside your eyes. I wasn’t joking when I told you I feel peace with you. My life is a fucked-up mess. It has been for years, but when I’m with you, I feel like I can breathe. Like I matter for something else besides what everyone wants from me.”

  I blink with understanding. That’s exactly how I feel with him.

  Tucker smiles. “But you need rules to make you feel safe and protected. So I’ll give you rules, even though I’ve always hated them in the past. Then again, maybe that’s my problem.” He gives me an ornery grin. “First rule. No saying goodbye, never goodbye. Especially with you.” He leans over and kisses me, long and slow. “Goodbye is too permanent. Goodbye has the risk of never seeing each other again. But good morning is full of possibilities.”

  “Who knew you were a romantic?”

  His hand trails lower, between my breasts, stroking lighting over my breastbone and making me tense with anticipation. “I don’t show this side of me to anyone. I can be me with you.”

  “Me, too,” I whisper.

  He smiles, his eyes full of happiness and possibilities. “We were made for each other, Scarlett.” His hand cups my breast as his thumb finds a task of its own and I gasp. He studies my face. “You need rules for your life to make sense. But I’ve ignored most rules so I could find a way to survive.”

  I’m trying to concentrate on his words despite the onslaught to my senses.

  “The thing about rules is that they can keep you safe, but box you in so you can’t truly live life. We’ll have to find a way to meet in the middle.”

  I stare into his face, stunned that he’s willing to become this serious about us so fast.

  His eyes darken. “Just remember that the goodbye rule always applies. Always.”

  He makes it sound like what we have between us could be permanent. Like we have the chance of a future together. I can’t let my heart count on that. Even before Jason told me Tucker was incapable of staying with someone, I knew it was true. But now, I can’t help wondering if that’s the other Tucker. The Tucker he shows to the world. Maybe the real him is capable of staying with me.

  “I don’t want you to think I’m weird,” I say, looking over his shoulder at the window. “I don’t mean to be a control freak.”

  He kisses me gently. “Scarlett, that’s not what I meant.”

  I look up at him. “I know.” Can I trust him with my past? If I want a chance of something real with him, I have to share all of me, my pain included. “My mom was a terrible parent, and I never knew my dad. He ran off when I was two. I grew up in a trailer park in Shelbyville with my mom and my little sister. My mom was a drunk. She lived off of welfare and was always looking for a man to save her. Momma saw my sister and me as a burden, except for the extra welfare she got because we were dependents. Most of my clothes came from the Goodwill, and we had subsidized lunches. I didn’t care about any of that, not really. It was just stuff. I just wanted my momma to love me.”

  I pause and take a breath. “I’ve taken care of myself since before I can remember, and my sister, too. Momma never cared about my grades or what I wanted. There were no extracurricular activities, except for the few
years my elementary school teacher gave me free piano lessons after school. Momma told me I was full of myself wanting to go off to college because I thought I was somebody.” I turn to him. “I started having anxiety issues when I was in middle school, after one of Momma’s boyfriends lived with us and beat her.”

  Tucker’s hand tenses on my stomach. “Did he ever hit you or your sister?”

  I hesitate for several seconds. “Once. He hit me once, but my teacher noticed my bruises the next day and called the police. Momma kicked him out soon after that, not because she wanted to keep my sister and me safe, but because she was worried we’d get sent to foster care and she’d lose our welfare.”

  “I can’t believe that, Scarlett.”

  I knew what he was saying. What parent could be so callous? I look into his eyes, my shoulders tensing. “She told me herself, Tucker. She was furious with me for my teacher turning her boyfriend in.”

  “She had to love you, Scarlett, even if it was in her own way.”

  “My mother is incapable of loving anyone or anything.”

  He’s quiet for a moment, and his voice lowers into a soothing whisper. “You’re not her, Scarlett. You’re not your mother.”

  I gasp as I look into his eyes, shocked that he can see my secret fear. That I’m so broken I’m incapable of loving someone. The fact I never felt anything with men before had always confirmed it. Before Tucker. Tucker makes me think anything is possible.

  “I went to therapy after I came to Southern, and my therapist said my life before was so out of control that I created my own boundaries to feel safe.” I suck in my lower lip. “That’s why I’m the way I am.”

  He leans down and kisses me with possessiveness, as though he’s about to lose me, and he wants to make every second count. I kiss him back, his urgency pushing at my own fear. If he sticks around, will I always feel this way? Will I worry that each time together could be our last?