After Math

by Denise Grover Swank

  We make love in a frenzy of fear and desire.

  Afterward, when I lie in his arms, I realize that every intimate moment I spend with him chips away my protective shield. I’m handing myself to him and he eagerly takes, but he’s holding part of himself back. He’s still hiding himself from me.

  Tucker sits up and leans forward. My fingers explore his back and I find small, circular dimpled scars on his lower back and bottom.

  He jerks when I touch one and swings his head around to me, his eyes hardened. “Don’t.”

  Pain pierces my heart, not because Tucker has hurt my feelings, but because I know what caused his scars. I climb to my knees and put my hand on his cheek, staring into his eyes. I place a gentle kiss on his lips.

  I have no idea about the circumstances of his scars, but the fact that his lower back and butt cheeks are scattered with cigarette burns explains so much. Tucker is as broken as I am. Maybe more.

  He realizes that I know and panic fills his eyes, but I gently hold his face in my hands. I kiss him with tenderness and love.

  “Don’t feel sorry for me, Scarlett.” His voice chokes.

  I lean back and search his eyes, hoping he sees deep into mine and knows I’m telling the truth. “I don’t feel sorry for you, Tucker. I feel sorry for the little boy who had to endure that.” I slide one hand over his shoulder and down his back.

  “But you do feel sorry for me?” His entire body tenses, and I realize I run the risk of sending him away from me. But I also realize that I have the chance to help him heal, to escape the horrors of his childhood, just as I hope he can help me escape mine.

  “Only that you feel unworthy of being loved.”

  He inhales sharply. “Don’t psychoanalyze me, Scarlett.”

  So much makes sense now. “Yet you can psychoanalyze me?” I say it softly and full of love so there’s no way he can misinterpret my meaning.

  I straddle his lap, resting my hands on his shoulders. We’re both naked except for the sheet over his lower half. His hands encircle my waist, and it feels automatic instead of intentional. Like he needs to hold onto me to ground himself.

  “I have no idea what you’ve been through, Tucker, and I won’t push you. Not now, but I’ve shared some of my past. You know I won’t judge you.”

  His eyes widen and flash with anger, then tears, which seem to catch him by surprise.

  The burning lump in my throat makes it nearly impossible to speak. “I’ve tried to put my past behind me, but it’s always there. Always taunting me. It’s holding me back. I can see that now. And I think yours is holding you back, too.”

  He shakes his head, closing his eyes. “I can’t think about it.”

  “At some point, I think you need to. Just like I do.” I wrap my arms around his back and hold him. He leans his head on my shoulder, and we sit like this so long that I’m sure his legs must have gone to sleep from my weight, but when I try to move, his arms tighten and keep me in place.

  I’m still shaken by the pain and abuse in Tucker’s past. How it contradicts the person he pretends to be with everyone else.

  “You don’t know what I’ve been through, Scarlett. What I’ve done.”

  I lean back and look into his eyes. “Tell me. I want to know.”

  He shakes his head. “No. Never. I don’t want to risk losing you.”

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  His head lifts, and his hand grabs the back of my hair and pulls my head back so I’m looking into his eyes. They are full of dark fury, and I inhale with a moment of fear. His mouth is rough as he kisses me. He’s punishing me for pushing boundaries I didn’t know existed, but even so, I know he’ll never hurt me. I know this deep in my soul.

  He yanks the sheet and flips me over, pinning me to the bed. He’s hard against my belly and I’m not surprised when he lifts my hips and enters me in one big push.

  I cry out his name before his mouth covers mine, hard and demanding. He’s exorcising his demons and I offer myself to him, feeling myself climb with him. He’s already helped me with my own fears. I’m grateful for the chance to help him face his.

  It doesn’t take long for either of us, despite the fact it hasn’t been long since we had sex earlier. He collapses next to me, his arms tightening around me and holding me tight to his chest.

  “Oh, God, Scarlett.” Panic is in his voice and he pulls me back to look into his eyes. “Did I hurt you?”

  “No.” I stroke his cheek with my fingers.

  “If I hurt you—”

  I kiss his chin. “I’m fine.”

  He pulls me to him again. “I’ll hurt you. I hurt everyone I touch.”

  My hand rubs his arm. I hesitate, worried my response will send him into another panic. I don’t think Tucker is willing to accept good things in his life, which makes it all the more surprising that he caved and came to me last night. “No, Tucker. You help make me whole.”

  His arm around my back tightens. “I have to go.” Regret is heavy in his voice. “I have mandatory team training today.”

  “It’s okay.” I kiss him to prove that it is.

  “I don’t want to leave you. Once I walk out that door, the real world takes over.” Disgust drenches his words.

  “Don’t let it. You’re stronger than that.”

  He shakes his head. “I wish I were, but I’m not.”

  “Yes, you are. You’re stronger than you realize.”

  He places a gentle kiss on my mouth. “I don’t deserve you, Scarlett.”

  I want to tell him that he does, that he deserves so much more, but he’s already running from me. To tell him that will send him farther away. Instead, I say, “Thank you.”

  He looks down at me, confusion knitting his brow. “For what?”

  I want to tell him that his tenderness is my undoing, that his concern for my emotional well-being over everything else is the most precious gift anyone has ever given me. I want to tell him that for the first time ever I think maybe I can love someone, really love someone and maybe, just maybe they might love me, too. But I’m not sure he’s ready to hear it, and I know I’m not ready to say it, so I smile and kiss him tenderly. “You give me hope.”

  He kisses me back, and it tastes of promise and optimism. Tenderness and devotion. He sighs and pushes off the bed, reaching for his clothes. He’s stepping into his shorts when he looks back at me. “I can skip this practice. I don’t feel right leaving you.”

  I remember Jason reminding me of Tucker’s precarious situation and how he saw me as the blame. “No, Tucker. I’m fine. Go.” I get up and put on my robe.

  After he puts on his sweatshirt and ties his shoes he stands and pulls me to his chest, smoothing my hair from my face, gentleness in his eyes. “I’ll call you later, okay?”

  I nod and stand on my tiptoes to press a kiss against his lips.

  His face twists in agony and he groans, dropping his hold on my arms and opening the bedroom door.

  I follow him down the hall and into the living room. “Tucker, since you ran here last night, do you want me to drive you home?”

  He shakes his head. “The run will do me good. Help me psych myself up for training.” He leans over and kisses me one more time, then leaves. I stand in the open doorway, watching him go. Unease squirms in my stomach as he fades from sight. I’m pragmatic enough to know my future with him is murky.

  Caroline groans behind me. “Oh, dear God. Please tell me I didn’t just see what I thought I saw.”

  I close the door and turn around to face her. How do I explain this to her? How do I explain it to anyone else when I can barely explain it to myself? “Caroline.”

  Pain and anger contort her face, then disappointment, disappointment in me. Tears fill her eyes along with fear. She’s terrified for me. “He’ll hurt you, Scarlett. And not just hurt you. He’ll destroy you.”

  I don’t answer. I already know he will.

  Chapter Twenty

  Later in the afternoon, Tucker cal
ls and tells me that he has a mandatory team meeting Saturday night. “I’m sorry, Scarlett.” But I’m sure I hear relief in his voice.

  “I never told you that you had to see me, Tucker. It’s okay.” I know I sound a little defensive, and I hate it.

  He’s silent. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “Okay.” I try to be as nice as possible and not let my disappointment show. I’m not disappointed that I won’t see him. I’m disappointed that he’s running away from me already, because I’m sure that’s what this is.

  Thankfully, Caroline doesn’t bring up Tucker again. I think she hopes he was just a bad dream instigated by her hangover.

  After my phone call, Caroline is eager to get out of the apartment. I’m sure she’s figured out what it was about. “Let’s do something tonight.”

  “Like what?” My defenses are up. I can already tell it will probably be something out of my comfort zone.

  “Let’s go dancing.”

  “I don’t dance.”

  “What happened to your trying new things?”

  “Look how well that’s worked out for me,” I say dryly.

  Caroline scowls. “Just because you had one bad experience doesn’t mean you should give up.” I’m not sure if she’s referring to Daniel, Tucker, or both.

  Before I know it, Tina is involved and the two of them nag me mercilessly until I agree. This is a terrible idea. First of all, the crowd will be too much for me to handle. I’ll have to drink to be able to stay. Second, I know I’m attractive enough when I put some effort into my hair, makeup, and clothing. I’ll attract attention, and I really don’t feel like dancing with other guys and fending off their advances. Tucker and I have made no commitment. We haven’t discussed being exclusive, but I can’t go from what we experienced during the last twenty-four hours to seeking the attention of other guys.

  We decide to splurge and actually go out to dinner before we go dancing, but I’m distracted while we eat, and Tina orders us drinks from a bartender she knows working in the bar. She hands one to me. “Here. You’re making me jumpy.”

  I take the tall glass full of brown liquid. “What is it?”

  “Does it matter? It’s alcohol. Drink.”

  I take a sip, surprised I can’t taste much alcohol. “You could have left me at home.”

  “Nope.” Caroline shakes her head, sipping her drink. “No staying home and pouting for you. I left you home pouting last night, and found Tucker Price in your bed. Again.”

  Tina spurts her drink over the table. “What?”

  My stomach knots, and I shoot Caroline a glare. What happened with Tucker isn’t what she thinks, but then I understand her reasoning. Tucker sleeps around. Why would she assume my experience was anything different?

  Then again, why would I assume our experience was anything different?

  Several hours have elapsed since this morning, and I can’t help but wonder if I’m fooling myself into believing there was more there than a hookup. While I know I have to be prepared for it, I can’t face that possibility tonight. Maybe tomorrow, but not tonight.

  I sigh as Tina waits for an explanation. “The first time was that night I took him home from the party a couple of weeks ago, he passed out in my bed after I brought him to my apartment to clean up his hands. Nothing happened.”

  Her eyebrows rise as a grin spreads across her face. “And last night?”

  I blush.

  Her eyes widen with excitement, and she leans forward. “Was he good?”

  I don’t feel like discussing Tucker’s sexual proficiency, or whether it was a one-night fling or something more.

  Caroline grimaces. “From what I heard in my room this morning, it was pretty damn hot.”

  My mouth drops open in horror. “You heard us?”

  She rolls her eyes in disgust. “Our walls are paper-thin. Of course I heard you.”

  Tina picks up my glass and hands it to me. “Drink this.”

  I grab the glass with shaky fingers and drink several generous gulps.

  Tina turns to Caroline. “Now what did you hear?”

  I gasp. “Are you insane? Why would you ask that?”

  “Because Tucker’s not the least bit interested in me so I’ll have to live vicariously through you.” I start to put my glass down but she makes me lift it back up. “Drink some more. You’ll be less mortified.”

  Against my better judgment, I obey her order. I’m already nervous, and we haven’t even gotten to the club yet. I’m seriously regretting this decision.

  Tina waves her hand to the bartender and points to me, waggling her eyebrows, then turns to Caroline. “Details.”

  Caroline scowls and shakes her head. “No freaking way. I’m trying my best to purge it from my mind.”

  The waitress brings another drink and sets it in front of me.

  Tina turns her attention on me. “You’re nervous, right? I want you to have fun tonight. You’re too worked up most of the time. Now the fact that you fucked Tucker Price—”

  “Tina!” I hiss.

  “—is a step in the right direction to getting your freak on. But you skipped a bunch of steps you need to go back and hit tonight.”

  Caroline leans over the table and takes my hand. “I agree with Tina, except for the fucking-Tucker part.” She shoots Tina a glare. “Don’t encourage her.” She turns back to me. “You need to relax and have fun. If you need a little alcohol to help you do it, so be it.” She points to my glass.

  I feel like they’re trying to force cough syrup down my throat, except my drink tastes nothing like cough syrup. In fact, it hardly tastes like alcohol at all, yet I’m feeling pretty buzzed. “What is this?” I ask taking another sip.

  Guilt washes over Tina’s face. “Long Island Iced Tea.”

  “What?” I set the glass on the table knowing I’m going to be drunk very, very soon. But then again, what’s the harm in that? I’ll pay for it tomorrow, but tonight I want to forget everything. Forget Tucker and all my past. I want to forget about my carefully plotted life, and I just want to have fun like everyone else. I shake my head. “You know what? Who cares? My goal tonight is to get drunk.” I bring the glass to my lips and take several swallows.

  Tina’s eyes light up. “Well, look at you. You go, girl.”

  Caroline doesn’t look as ecstatic about my announcement, but I realize Tina and I are on opposite ends of extremes—Tina’s the wild child, and I’m the boring one. Caroline straddles the center line. For me to skip right over Caroline into Tina’s territory is shocking. Ordinarily, I would ask myself if this was a good idea, but I have enough alcohol floating around in my bloodstream to shove aside any concerns.

  For once in my sorry life, I’m going to have fun.

  I finish my drink, and Tina drives us to the club. I’ve never been here before, but Caroline used to go here with her ex-boyfriend, and I know Tina frequents the place. She’s tried to get me to come with her half a dozen times. She’s had a fake ID ready for me for months.

  We’re not wearing coats, and although I’m wearing Caroline’s sequined sleeveless shirt and a skirt, I’m not as cold as I would be without the alcohol. We walk across the parking lot, and when a couple enters the building, loud music blares from the doorway. I wobble across the asphalt on Caroline’s borrowed heels, already feeling the rhythm soak into my bones.

  Caroline shoots me a weird look. “Tina, we have to take turns watching her tonight.”

  Tina scrunches her nose. “Whatever for? She’s a big girl. You have to let our baby bird fly.”

  “She’s so drunk she can hardly walk, and we’re not even in the club yet.”

  I groan. “Sure, I’m pretty tipsy, but I’m having trouble walking because I’m wearing your three-inch stilettos.” I point to my feet.

  Caroline remains unconvinced. “You don’t drink that often, and Tina filled you with enough alcohol to fuel an ethanol-powered car for fifty miles.”

  Tina shakes her head. “And you’re
telling me that you’ve never been drunk? Come on, Caroline.”

  “You know that’s different,” Caroline protests.

  “Scarlett’s smarter than you give her credit for. She’s not that drunk, and we’re in a public place. She’ll be fine.” Tina sighs. “But if you think she needs watching, you take the first shift.”

  After we pay to enter, Tina heads straight for the bar, and she and Caroline order drinks. I’m tipsy but not drunk. Contrary to what Caroline thinks, I’m no stranger to alcohol. You don’t grow up in the home of an alcoholic and her friends and not become acquainted with it. I had my share of drinking binges in high school with the handful of people I hung out with. I just left it all behind in Shelbyville when I came to college.

  Leaning against a tall table, I look around the room. We’re on a raised level that surrounds a sunken square floor, which is half full of dancers. A DJ is set up on the opposite side of the room.

  Tina comes back and hands me a drink. “There’s a good selection to choose from tonight.”

  I turn to her in confusion.

  “Guys. We’re here to look for guys.” She says it slowly as though I’m deaf, which I partially am from the roar of the music and the crowd.

  “I thought we were here to dance.”

  Tina grins and sips her drink.

  I taste mine and realize she’s gotten me another Long Island Iced Tea. She doesn’t just want me drunk. She wants me wasted.

  Caroline stands next to me, swaying to the music. She leans toward my ear. “I trust you, you know. I just worry about you.”

  I give her a smile. “I know.”

  We stand at the table and finish our drinks, then Caroline grabs my wrist and tugs me toward the dance floor. We descend the stairs and stop close to the edge. Since I’m not used to wearing heels, and I’m on my way to being drunk, it takes me a second to regain my balance. Caroline begins to dance, watching me. I close my eyes, and let my body move to the music. The anxiety-ridden me, currently drowning in alcohol, claws to get out of this loud, crowded place. But I stuff her deeper while the newly liberated me basks in her freedom.