After Math

by Denise Grover Swank

  Someone stumbles into me, and I totter on my heels, but a hand grabs my elbow and helps me find my balance. My eyes fly open, and I see it’s a guy I don’t know, but he smiles and shouts. “Sorry.”

  In my fuzzy head, I recognize that I should be horrified and mortified, but this new me smiles.

  I like the new me.

  The guy stays next to me and dances, keeping his gaze on my body and my face.

  An undercurrent of anxiousness prickles my nerves, but I decide to ignore him and dance. When the song ends, he leans close to my ear. “Want to get a drink?”

  I’m still sober enough to question if this is good idea, but the liberated part of me shouts that he’s asked me to get a drink, not sleep with him. I need to loosen up. “Sure.”

  We make our way to the bar, and I lean my elbow on the counter to steady myself. The loud noise is starting to make me restless, adding to the unease over the situation I find myself in now. My shoulders tense, and I tell myself this is not a big deal. Men buy women drinks all the time.

  “I’m Ben,” he says as he waves to the bartender halfway down the counter.

  I force a small smile. “Scarlett.”

  The bartender stands in front of us, and Ben glances at me with a raised eyebrow.

  I realize I need to slow down and be in control of the situation, contrary to Tina’s plan, so I ask for a Diet Coke.

  Ben orders a drink and speaks into my ear. “You come here often?”

  It’s a ridiculous pickup line, and I start to giggle. Some of my tension slides down my back, unknotting my shoulders in the process.

  He gives me an odd look, but thankfully doesn’t look offended.

  I shake my head. “Nope. First time. What about you?”

  “Every week.”

  I may be slightly drunk, but that tells me all I need to know. Not that I’m interested in him anyway. I’m here to appease Caroline and Tina. I have no idea what’s going on with Tucker and me, but even if it’s over before it’s begun, I’m not ready to go out with someone else. My eyes scan the room looking for the girls. Caroline is still dancing, but Tina is at our table talking to a guy.

  I look up at Ben, and he’s handing me a glass with an expectant look. I realize he’s asked me something. When I start to answer, I see Tucker behind Ben.

  Tucker?

  He’s at the bar in the midst of a rowdy group of guys. I guess his mandatory team meeting included hanging out with his friends at a dance club. It’s further confirmation that he’s run away from me. From us. I’m not totally surprised, yet it still hurts, a dull ache that spreads throughout my body. He turns in my direction, and his eyes widen when he realizes I’m here, and he’s been caught.

  I give a little shake of my head to clear it. Tucker can do whatever the fuck he wants, even if that means giving up on us. I ignore the well of dismay bubbling deep in my gut and look up at Ben. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”

  “I asked what you do.”

  “I’m a student at Southern. You?”

  Before Ben can answer, Tucker is next to us, his face expressionless. “Scarlett. I’m surprised to see you here.”

  I suppose me being here looks just as bad as him showing up. He told me he was spending the evening with his team, and look where I headed. But he has to know while it’s part of his normal lifestyle, this isn’t usual for me. He of all people knows me well enough to know Caroline has probably dragged me here. “I’m sure you are.” I give him a tight smile and take a sip of my drink. “I’m here with Caroline and Tina. What about you?”

  “I’m out with the team. I told you that.” He frowns. “So where are your friends?”

  “Around.”

  I take a drink so I don’t fidget in front of him. Ben looks uncomfortable. I’m not really sure how to handle this. I’m not going to beg Tucker to be with me, but I’m also not going to sit around and wait for him to decide he wants me. Still, I’m not good at games. With the help of alcohol-induced courage, I decide to be honest. “Did you come over for a reason, Tucker?”

  His eyes widen in surprise. “No, I just came over to say hi.” He looks unsure of his answer as he turns his attention to Ben. “Is he a friend of yours?”

  “We just met. Ben, meet Tucker. Tucker, Ben.” I wave from Ben to Tucker and back.

  A battle of emotions sweeps over Tucker’s face until he finally settles on acceptance. He looks Ben up and down while Ben shifts his weight. Tucker’s jaw works as though he wants to say something but holds back. Finally, he turns back to me. “Are you having fun?” His question sounds genuine.

  I’m not but don’t want to admit that to either guy. I’d rather be home in my pajamas, huddled over my math problems.

  Tucker leans close, his mouth next to my ear. His breath tickles my neck and my body involuntarily reacts to his nearness. “I only want you to be happy, Scarlett.”

  Again, I’m not sure how to respond. Tucker’s made it obvious he doesn’t want to be with me tonight and he has to know that hurts. Perhaps this is similar to him encouraging me to go out with Daniel. This is his way of making sure I end up with someone he thinks I deserve. Part of me wants to tell him he deserves happiness and love, too. He deserves us, but my pride stops me.

  He glances over at his group. The guys seem interested in our conversation, even if they can’t hear.

  After several uncomfortable seconds, when I realize he’s not going to change his mind, I say, “You better get back to your friends.”

  “Yeah.” He swallows and leans into my ear again, his voice tight. “Can I see you later?”

  My heart races. I can’t believe what he’s asking. Am I just a booty call after all? My voice hardens. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  He leans back and his brow lowers with concern. “That’s not what I meant, Scarlett.”

  I steel my back. “If you want to talk to me, just call me tomorrow.”

  He nods sharply, his mouth pinched into a tight line. He glances at Ben again, then goes back to his friends.

  “What was that all about?” Ben asks, watching Tucker walk away.

  “Good question.” I’m exhausted. I’d psyched myself up to come out tonight and the drinks have helped, but I wasn’t prepared to deal with Tucker. I’m not sure how to handle my emotions regarding him. My heart begs for him to come see me tonight, but my pride balks. He either wants me or he doesn’t. No waffling. It still doesn’t make the rejection any easier.

  I’m on the verge of tears when I see Caroline weaving her way through the crowd toward me. Judging by the look on her face, she saw Tucker.

  I take a long drink before I set the bottle on the counter. “Thanks for the drink,” I say to Ben and make my way to Caroline, meeting her halfway.

  She looks into my eyes. “Are you all right?”

  This is stupid. I will not cry. “I’m fine.” At least he’s hanging out with his friends. I could have found him draped over some hot, gorgeous girl. This could have been so much worse. I need to stop overreacting.

  She shakes her head, looking past me in Tucker’s direction. “No, you’re not. Do you want to go home?”

  Caroline’s having fun, and I don’t want to ruin it for her.

  This is life. It’s messy and unpredictable, full of wonderful surprises and mind-numbing disappointment. The uncertainty of it all is why I hide, trying to avoid all the pain and the heartache. But now that my cage door is open and I’ve had a peek outside of it, I realize I’ve missed out on so many good things, too. If I run home now, it might take me a long time to emerge again. Just like when Tucker pushed me to keep running, even when my body begged to stop, I push myself to stay. “No. I want to stay.”

  She looks uncertain. “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah.” I flash her a smile and lead the way to the dance floor. Ben is at the bar watching us with a dazed look, but I decide to let that go. I never promised to hang out with him, just like Tucker never promised me anything. Ben only made ass
umptions, just like I did with Tucker.

  I push deeper into the crowd so I’m not visible to Tucker. Or maybe so he’s not visible to me. I can pretend that he’s not here. But I can’t, not really. The best I can hope for is to make it through another half an hour or so, then figure out a way to get home. My new resolve to experience life is in its infancy and is still finding its strength. No sense pushing it too far.

  Caroline dances through several songs, and I’m happy that other guys don’t approach us. I can’t really deal with that right now. A fine sheen of sweat covers my brow and the back of my neck. When a slow song comes on, I’m relieved. I may have run with Tucker in the gym a few times, but I’m miserably out of shape.

  We begin to weave through the crowd toward our table when I see Tucker making his way toward me. My heart skips a beat, and I continue to follow Caroline until Tucker reaches me and blocks my path. His mouth is pursed, but his eyes plead with mine.

  “Scarlett, I want to dance with you.”

  I like that he doesn’t ask and make me wonder his motivation. Instead, he makes it clear this is what he wants. How can he be so clear yet so obtuse at the same time?

  I want to tell him no, but I can’t, so I nod.

  A soft smile lifts his scowl, and he takes my hand and pulls me out onto the floor, stopping in the middle of the crowd.

  I’ve abandoned Caroline. I turn back to find her and see her staring, her mouth hanging open in disbelief. I know she doesn’t understand. I don’t totally understand, and I’m the one in this relationship, if that’s what I can call it.

  Tucker drops his hold on my hand and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me close to his chest. I reach my hands around his neck and look into his face, trying to figure out what’s going through his head.

  He doesn’t speak, just looks into my eyes, his arms tight around my back, as though he’s afraid I’ll walk away. My body responds being this near to him, tensing and relaxing at the same time, a weird tug of war over self-preservation and need. The heat of his body flows into mine, and my breath comes in shallow pants as I stare at his lips, only inches from mine. I think about what he did with those lips last night and this morning. My body betrays my resolve, and I release a soft moan.

  There’s no way he could have heard my sound with this noise and the crowd, but he does, his eyes sinking closed. His neck tenses, and when he opens his eyes, they are full of lust and desire. “I want to take you home.”

  My reaction to his request is confusing. I want us to be together, but I don’t want him with me because he’s worried someone else is going to pick me up. “Let’s go somewhere and talk first.”

  He nods and takes my hand, pulling me to the back of the club, toward the restrooms. We go down a long hall toward a storage room. Tucker knows where he’s going, and it’s obvious he’s been here before. I try not to think about what that means.

  When we’ve entered the backroom, Tucker’s mouth finds mine. His hands are on my waist and slipping under my shirt.

  My body, already at a slow simmer, instantly responds, igniting into a blaze. I want him even more than I did last night and this morning. But I need to think, and I need some answers. I don’t expect the answers to everything, but I at least need a few. He owes me that.

  I put my hands on his chest and push him away. “Tucker, we need to talk.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  He nods, but his hands are still on my waist, partially under my shirt.

  I find it difficult to concentrate when he’s touching me, but I’ve wanted this for so long, this connection to someone else, that I can’t make myself break away from it. “You told me you love that I tell you the truth. I want the same from you. Even if you think it will hurt me.”

  “Okay.” His face is solemn, and I know he’s taking my request seriously.

  “Are you running away from me?”

  His hands drop and he backs up, running his hand over his head. “Shit. You don’t waste time, do you?”

  “I don’t see the point.”

  A grin flickers briefly on his face before his seriousness replaces it. “Yes.”

  I knew it. I expected it, and I hoped he’d admit it, but now that he has, my breath catches in my throat.

  “But it’s not what you think, Scarlett.”

  “Okay,” I say without criticism. “Then tell me what it is.”

  “I wasn’t leaving you forever. Just for tonight. It got so intense, so quickly. I just needed to give it some space.”

  “By coming here tonight?”

  He closes his eyes. “I know how it looks.”

  I press my back against some storage shelves. “I don’t expect anything from you, Tucker. I just want you to be honest with me.”

  His head jerks up, his face splotchy. “Don’t do that, Scarlett. Don’t let me treat you like shit. I need you to expect more from me. You’re the one person who does.”

  Is his self-destructive behavior a test to the people around him, to see if they think he’s worth fighting for?

  I step toward him and touch his cheek. “It’s like you set yourself up to fail on purpose.”

  He closes his eyes and tries to turn his face away, but I cradle the other side of his face, holding him in place.

  “You told me that I make you want to be a better person, and I know you can be, Tucker. But you need to want to be a better person on your own. Not because of me.”

  He looks into my eyes. “Maybe I need something worth fighting for.”

  I stand on my tiptoes and press a soft kiss on his mouth.

  His arms wrap around my back and pull me to him as he kisses me with desperation. “I need you, Scarlett.”

  My heart soars, dragging the weight of Tucker’s pain with it. “I’m here.”

  His hands are everywhere. He’s tugging my shirt up, then stops. “Not here. Will you come home with me?”

  I nod. “Yes.”

  He kisses me again then grabs my hand and opens the door, pulling me into the hallway. He heads for the back door and into the parking lot. A soft rain falls, hitting my bare arms and sending a shiver up my back. Tucker wraps his arm around me. “Did you have a coat?”

  “No.” But I realize I’m leaving without telling Caroline or Tina that I left.

  Tucker stops next to his car and opens the door. I look at him before I get in. Be smart, Scarlett a little voice says in my head. But how is this wrong? How can it be wrong to feel this close to someone?

  He’s in the car before I have time to muddle through my thoughts. Tucker reaches for me, his lips on mine, his tongue exploring my mouth with impatience. His hand slides up my leg and under my skirt, resting on my upper thigh. With a groan, he pulls back and starts the car, driving out of the parking lot.

  “I need to tell Caroline I left.”

  Tucker turns to me.

  “I don’t have my phone.”

  He shifts in his seat, pulls his phone out of his pocket and hands it to me.

  I look at the screen, trying to decide whether to text her or call. Texting is the chicken-shit way out, and she won’t recognize the number, but if I call her, she’s liable to give me a lecture, if she even hears her phone. I need to suck it up and call her. I sigh with resignation and tap in her number.

  She doesn’t answer and the call goes to voice mail. Talk about luck. “Caroline. I left the club, but I’m fine. I got a ride. Stay and have fun. I’ll see you later.” When I hang up I feel a mixture of guilt for not being honest and relief I didn’t have to argue with her.

  Tucker shoots me a look. “You didn’t tell her that you left with me.”

  “She doesn’t understand.”

  He nods, and I wonder what he’s thinking. “She’s a good friend.”

  “Yes.”

  I look out the window and realize we’re not going to my apartment. “Where are we going?”

  “Home.”

  “But my—”

  “My home.”

  The si
gnificance of what he says sinks in. “Oh.”

  “I don’t want this to be a one-time thing, Scarlett. I want to try to make this work.”

  Hope flutters in my chest.

  He stops at a red light and reaches for my neck, pulling my mouth to his. “You’re worth fighting for.”

  Tucker kisses me, and I lose track of where we are until a car honks. He drops his hand from my face and grins before driving through the intersection. His apartment is close, and he parks in the half-empty parking lot. He’s out of the car in seconds, moving to my side and opening the door. His mouth is on mine for a brief moment, the promise of more to come, then he wraps an arm around my back and leads me to the entrance.

  Tucker’s apartment complex is nicer than mine. A door leads to a hallway with indoor entrances to the apartments. We go up two flights of stairs to the top floor, and he stops partway down the hall, unlocking the door and ushering me inside.

  His hands tug at my shirt before the door is closed. He pulls the shirt over my head and presses my back against the door, his pain-filled eyes searching mine. “I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you, Scarlett. That scares the shit out of me. Everyone I love always leaves.” His voice breaks. “I’m scared I’m going to lose you.”

  I reach for his face. “I’m here, Tucker. I’m where I want to be. With you.”

  He kisses me again then leads me down the hall to a closed door. When he opens it, I’m surprised to see a tidy, organized bedroom. His bed is made. His books are stacked on a dresser.

  I don’t have time to give it much thought because he’s pulling off the rest of our clothes while kissing me. The only thing I’m aware of is Tucker. His hands and his mouth make my body feel things I never thought were possible.

  He lowers me to the bed, and I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. With him.

  “Scarlett, you’re so beautiful. Inside and out.” His lips trail along my jaw and down my neck.

  My hands reach for his chest, and they slide across his muscles to his shoulders.

  “I love it when you touch me,” he says. His dark, passion-filled eyes look up to mine. “Every time you touch me, I know you’re not a dream. You’re really here.”