Beautifully Destroyed

by Gracie Wilson

  “He’s getting released.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Cameron

  Nothing was going right in my world. I couldn’t study worth shit because I kept thinking about Fate. Being in the apartment was even worse because I could see her everywhere. She was all around the campus, so I packed some of my stuff and left. I went to Scott’s parents for some family bonding.

  The whole time I was distracted and his mom, Terry, kept busting my balls about it. She stopped when Scott let it slip that I was missing a girl. Then all the questions ensued about what she was like, which only made things worse. I told them everything I could think of. Scott called me a pussy and his mom smacked him. They want me to bring her around at Christmas and nothing would make me happier. I can’t do this distance thing with her anymore and I don’t give a shit what that says about me.

  Music wasn’t even enough to keep my mind off her. I still kept my headphones on even though she wasn’t there. It just felt as if she could still hear it. Causing her pain is something I just can’t do, so it became a habit to keep my headphones on. I tried working on the new album, but that just made it worse because the only thing I could write about was Fate.

  When Fate stopped calling me and making excuses for missing my calls, I got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. She continued to text me but only if I went to her. She didn’t ignore my text messages but they weren’t the same. Something was different and it was killing me. I was sleeping like crap without her in my arms. I’m told by the band that makes me one testy fucker to deal with. They cancelled the extra practices I’d set up after I found out my girl was leaving for five days. Something had to keep my mind off her being so far away, but it didn’t work for shit. I needed to see her.

  “Cameron? What are you doing here?” The woman before me is not what I was expecting Clarissa to look like. She is taller than Fate and has black hair. Her eyes are dark and she is wearing a dressy outfit. She’s nothing I imagined my Fate was raised around. I know she isn’t Fate’s mom but usually there are still things similar like clothing or the way someone holds themselves. But all I feel off this woman is that she is a force to be reckoned with.

  “You must be Clarissa, it’s nice to finally meet you,” I say politely, hoping to change the look on her face.

  “Cameron, this isn’t a good time, you should just see Fate when she gets back to school.” Her eyes are trying to tell me something, but I don’t know them to pick up on it. Whatever it is, though, it only makes my need to see Fate that much stronger.

  “Where is she?”

  “She’s resting, Cameron, it’s not a good day and I just don’t know how much she can handle. Another time this would be a wonderful surprise but maybe tomorrow, okay?” she says, and I just want to push past her and find Fate but that will only make her hate me and that’s not going to help my cause.

  “I knew something was wrong. She’s not answering my calls at all anymore. I had to come.” Damn, I should have just asked to come with her like I wanted to, then I wouldn’t be out here in the cold when I have this overwhelming feeling that Fate needs me.

  “Cameron, you can’t help her right now.” I hate that this person who is so important to Fate is telling me this right now. Making me feel as if I’m in the way.

  “Is she okay?” I ask, and Clarissa shakes her head. “What happened, Clarissa?” I beg. What the hell happened? It has only been four days.

  “I can’t tell you. It’s not my story to tell. You know about some of her history but what’s happening right now isn’t something she wants to share or she would have told you, Cameron.” The truth behind her words fucking burns me to my core.

  “Maybe she was scared or wanted to tell me in person.” Taking a breath trying to calm my shit, I feel as if everything is falling apart. “Or maybe she never tells me but that doesn’t mean I can’t be there for her.”

  “You can’t force her,” Clarissa says, giving me a, ‘I’ll mess you up if you try’ look.

  “I won’t. I just need to see her, please.” I’d get on my hands and knees right now if I thought it would get me in the door.

  “Fine.” Her phone starts ringing and she sighs. “That’s work, which means I have to go. Take care of her and most of all listen to her. I will be back as soon as I can.” Clarissa points down the hall, quickly grabbing her stuff before heading out of the house.

  When I get to the end of the hall, I know I’ve found the right room because every light is on. Walking in, I almost stumble when she comes into view. She looks nothing like the girl I put on the plane four days ago. It’s like the shell of her is in front of me.

  “What are you doing here?” she says and it kills me that it’s not in a happy way.

  “I wanted to see you.” Reaching out to touch her, she flinches and moves away from me. Something has ripped through the girl I care about and I don’t even know what to do to help her. I’m hoping she will talk to me.

  “I’m coming back tomorrow night,” she says snidely.

  “I thought we could go back together and I wanted to spend time with you away from school. I’d thought maybe you could show me around,” I say hopefully. Honestly, I don’t give a fuck if we leave this room, I just need to be with her. When she says nothing and doesn’t move to me as she usually would I have no choice. “What happened, Fate?”

  “Nothing,” she screams at me and I feel my soul being twisted. Something is very wrong here.

  “Okay, if you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine. We don’t have to talk about it. We can talk about what we are going to do over Christmas break. I was thinking I could take you to meet Scott’s Family, well, my family.” Maybe if I change the subject I can pull her from whatever it is that is bothering her. Put her focus on us and not all this shit that’s weighing her down.

  “You deserve to be with someone you can love.” I don’t know where that came from. She could barely even say ‘love’ and I think I finally come to terms with how fucking decimated this girl is. Doesn’t change a thing for me though. Why can’t she see how amazing she is?

  “And you think I won’t?” I want to just come out and say it, but she looks like a deer caught in the headlights. I have to approach her cautiously right now.

  “You can’t,” she yells, jumping out of the bed away from me, scaring the shit out of me. Not even when she’s in her nightmares have I ever seen her look this shaken.

  “But I do.” I have no choice now. She’s putting those brick walls up and I can’t get to her unless she lets me. Hopefully, telling her how I feel will let me in.

  “No,” she screams. “It’s not allowed. Do you hear me? Never.”

  “Why are you being this way?” I want to shake her and yell ‘just tell me what the hell is wrong’ but that won’t get us anywhere. I can’t even get angry because I have this feeling of dread coming over me.

  “This is just the way I am, stop trying to fix me.” It’s as if a truck just ran me down, backed up and did it again.

  “Why would I fix you? There is nothing wrong with you, Fate,” I plead. I don’t care if she’s always in pieces, I will fucking take them all.

  “If you believe that, then you are sadly mistaken.” Those words make the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Walking around the bed, I try to go to her, hoping our touch will calm her the same way it does at home, but she puts her hands up, halting me.

  “I’m not what you need. I wish I was, but I’m not. So it’s done. Finished,” she demands, and I lose my mind. How is this happening? Where is the girl who told me off and made me bow down to her? The girl before me just looks so defeated.

  “Don’t say that. You’re upset and that’s okay, but don’t push me away.” I would sell my soul just to take her pain away right now. Screw my pain, I’d give anything to save her from the anguish I see in her right now.

  “Go,” she yells and the pain I am feeling from her is fucking torture. I’m not just feeling my heart being demolish
ed, but her pain is damn well knocking me out.

  “I’ll go if that’s what you really want, Fate,” I say, pleading her with my eyes to tell me to stay.

  “I want you to leave.” Shit. I should have listened to Clarissa.

  “But I love you.” This girl just crippled me. If she’s going to leave me she needs to know. Not just because I want her to stay, because it’s the Goddamn truth. This girl consumes me.

  “You could obliterate me, Cameron, don’t you understand that?” Does this girl not get that what she’s doing right now to me is that exact thing? “You will tire of my issues and then where will that leave me?” That tears right through me. “I can’t do this, Cameron.”

  “I thought you knew me better than that,” I say, and I can see it in her eyes this is killing her as much as it’s killing me. “Fate, I can see in your fucking eyes you don’t want to end this, so why are you doing this?”

  “Because I’m better off alone.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Utter darkness. That is where I am. And I deserve it. Sitting in the middle of the room, I feel the fear destroying my body from the inside out. The chaos that I must intentionally put myself through, which then takes away from my other pain. The panic is crimping. However, this agony takes the sting away. It’s a distraction from my true pain. In the distance, I hear someone calling, but I try to pull myself further down into my personal hell.

  “What are you doing?” Clarissa screams, but I barely hear her. I’m gone. Fate is no longer here to care.

  “Where is Cameron?” It’s barely a whisper in my mind but his name continues to ring through. My mind begins to torment me. He will think you’re damaged. Dirty and used up, broken beyond repair. Why would he want that when he can have a perfect person who can give him everything he needs? Why would he want Fate? Push him away. Send him running. Do you want him to look at you the way others who know about you have?

  “I sent him away. It’s done. We are done,” I choke out the words and try to think back to my nightmares because they are less painful than this. The burning wipes out everything else.

  “Why would you do that?” she croaks and I don’t need to look at her to know she’s crying. No, I can’t take it anymore. Deeper I go to find the fire to burn it all away.

  “Tears, I like it when you do that. Fear me, it makes you know your place.” His hands are unsteady and his words slurred.

  “Fate,” she screams.

  “Because he will find out and you’re right. It’s not a good idea,” I say softly as I bring myself back into my hell. Music. Darkness. Touching.

  “And this is. Sitting in the dark traumatizing yourself is the answer,” Clarissa wails out and I can barely see her anymore. My world is shutting down and I feel at peace in my strange surroundings. Like I’m untouchable. I welcome the pain, I know this pain and where it leads.

  “It takes away the pain,” I respond deadpan.

  “Get up,” Clarissa demands.

  I don’t respond. I continue to let myself go further and further inside. Away from this devastation and to where the pain is from those nights. This pain that can eliminate the one I fear. Further I go. Away from the pain of living without Cameron now, into my nightmares where he haunts me. Where he always finds me.

  He locks the door and the click is deafening. He’s not going to leave me alone. I will never be free. Always coming. Never letting me go. I deserve this. I made him mad. You shouldn’t make him mad. I didn’t mean to say anything. I was sad and it came out.

  My mind dives in deeper and I lose myself into a place I fought so long to stay out of. I hear nothing, but best of all, I feel nothing. The emptiness is freedom.

  The evil in his eyes, the panic in my body, and then shear fear of the life I have to live. Take me there. Anywhere but here, where I feel everything he told me I was. Dirty, tainted, unlovable.

  “Fate.” My eyes blink open and I feel groggy. “You’re fine, you’ve just been resting,” a woman says, and I look around frantically. “You need to stay calm.” That only makes my panic escalate. Where am I? Where is Cameron? Just like that, the wave of pain of everything I’ve done comes back.

  “Cameron,” I whimper.

  “It’s okay.” Looking toward the door, I see Clarissa standing there with a man I assume is a doctor by his clothing. “They are here to help you, honey. We all just want you better,” she says and it all falls into place. Looking at the walls, the smell and most of all the noises that come along with a place like this, it hits me.

  How could she do this to me? She was supposed to protect me and take care of me. “You had me committed,” I scream at her.

  Clarissa flinches, and I become enraged. “Fate, you weren’t responding, I didn’t know what to do.”

  “I will tell you what you don’t do. Commit the person.”

  “You only have to stay for seventy-two hours.”

  “Get her out of here. I don’t want her here. Get out,” I yell, and the nurse takes Clarissa away with tears falling down her face. Another nurse comes in and I see she has a needle. Screaming out, I feel myself getting weaker as it takes effect. “How could you?” I keep screaming as I go deeper and deeper. “I will never forgive you,” I call out as my body finally gives into the drugs.

  When I come to again, I’m alone in my hospital room. I try to move, but I’m in restraints. A nurse comes in as she must have heard me or was watching close by. “Fate, do you know where you are?” The memories flood in but this time it’s not the same. I’m full of regret and fear, but it’s manageable.

  “What have I done?” I cry out softly, and the nurse checks me over before removing the straps from my hands.

  “If you get upset again I will have to put these on,” she warns and I feel foolish.

  “I won’t. I’m sorry,” I say, trying to remain calm. “It was just too much and I couldn’t…” She comes to the bedside, lowering the rail and I feel a bit freer.

  “Clarissa explained what had happened to send you into your attack.” Attack? I guess that could be a name for it. I felt as if I inflicted it on myself to help take away the pain of everything else going on. “She also said there was a boy. Do you want us to call him?”

  “No,” I blurt out. “Sorry, no, I…I think I broke up with him. He doesn’t need to know I’m a complete psycho to top it off.” She gives me a look but doesn’t say anything.

  “Well, you will have to stay here until your time is up. Then it is up to you what you want to do,” she says, then tells me the psychologist will be in to see me shortly.

  When the older woman walks in, I feel like I’m never going to get out of here. The way she is watching my every move, I worry if I make the wrong one they will lock me up and throw away the key. She sits and tells me all about my care that has been going on while I was unable to care for myself. Clarissa is still here but can’t come in unless I say so. She tells me about all my options but honestly, I am just not ready to think about it yet. I need to get out of here and breathe. I feel as if I’m suffocating.

  Finally, I say what I should have said when I first woke up. “Clarissa can make the choices.” She gives me an odd look but doesn’t say anything else about it.

  “I will send her in,” she finally says when she feels she’s gotten enough from me. When I see Clarissa walking in the guilt is agonizing. She looks like she hasn’t slept in days and someone took away all her coffee, leaving her unable to survive.

  “I’m sorry I was so hateful,” I say, unable to look her in the face. Clarissa is sniffling and I know I’m to blame for all this. She doesn’t deserve any of it.

  “Don’t you ever do that to me again, Fate. Do you have any idea how scared I was for you? I don’t care if you hate me. You weren’t functioning, what was I supposed to do, wait it out? What if you didn’t get better?” she rushes out and then takes a deep breath. “Sorry,” she says, giving me a small smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. I’ve done this. Worn her down
to where she has to put on a face to placate me.

  “You did what anyone would, Clarissa. I wouldn’t have come out of that by myself. I was purposely pulling myself into the pain to get away from the pain of losing Cameron.” My mind drifts to everything I said. It was overwhelming to think of all the possibilities of him finding out and looking at me with repulsion. That would be the death of me. I know I have to tell him, and I will, but when I feel as if I’ve finally dealt with it. That way I can console him too, because if he doesn’t run away from me, my secret, it will break him.

  “It’s not over,” she says and my heart picks up a bit. “That boy has been calling me the whole time. I’ve run out of excuses. You were due back at the apartment. I had to tell him you weren’t ready to leave home and would be back there soon. If that’s what you want to do, Fate. I can’t tell you what to do, but whatever it is you do decide, it has to be about what you want.”

  “Cameron,” I whisper and I feel I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.

  “So go back to school and be with him,” she says it as if it would be so simple. I can’t just walk back into his world and throw all this at him. Not after what I’ve said.

  “I told him things I can’t take back, Clarissa. How can he ever forgive me for that? Now he’s getting out too. My past is haunting me. I just want to be normal.” Clarissa lightly wraps her arms around me, trying to console me. “Clarissa, what am I going to do?”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Cameron

  “You can’t just calm the hell down, can you?” Cecilia says and I give her a screw you look. Seriously, calm down. Fate has been gone for twelve damn days. Twelve. Clarissa told me she’s fine and she texts me saying everything is fine, but I feel no matter what she says, when Fate gets here, shit is still going to be all screwed up with us. “She’s coming home any minute. You should be happy, not looking like you’re about to keel over. Sit the hell down before you have a heart attack.”