Beautifully Destroyed

by Gracie Wilson

  “Wait, you spoke to her?” I yell at Cecilia. Clarissa let me know to expect her, but not when.” She gives me a look that says busted. “What the hell, Cecilia? You’re my friend, why would you not tell me you talked to her?”

  “Doesn’t work that way. I’m her friend too,” she says plainly, and I want to hit something.

  “Do you know where she’s been? Is she okay? Are we okay?” I say, and yeah, I know I’m pathetic, but I’ve been going out of my mind without her here. If I were honest, I wouldn’t care as long as I could set eyes on her and make sure she’s better. Seeing her that way was damn torture.

  “Sorry, Romeo, you aren’t getting anything from me. What she wants you to know she can tell you. Your dumb ass should have listened to Clarissa when she warned you to just leave.” Yeah, like I haven’t been saying that to myself since the moment I was out of that house. I should have listened, but I just didn’t think she could be that bad. Even knowing what I know now I’d still go in there to try and help her.

  “Just tell me she’s okay,” I beg.

  “I’m okay.” I jump and turn around, coming face to face with the one person I need in this moment. She looks more herself than she was that day, but I still see there is strain. I have to put my hands in my pockets to keep them from reaching out to her. My mind is telling me I only get this one chance to do this right and for the sake of my sanity, I need to, because a world without Fate isn’t something I could handle.

  “Well, I kept him as calm as I could, but this boy is in need of a serious tranquilizer.” Cecilia’s mouth pops open and she looks like she can’t believe what she’s said. What the hell? “I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Wow, I’m so inconsiderate.” Then she looks at me and can see my confusion. “Shit.”

  “It’s fine, Cecilia,” Fate says, and I have no damn idea what is going on, but I’m going to need some answers. Not all of them, but at least why Cecilia just went ten shades paler.

  “Okay, I’m gone before I screw up any more.” She waves and walks out the door without looking back at the awkwardness she leaves behind.

  Fate just continues to stand there and all I can do is watch. I’m scared with any slight movement I will scare her off. “I should have knocked,” she blurts out.

  “This is your home.” She needs to get her facts straight because I’m two seconds away from kicking her beautiful ass around our apartment. Then I see her eyes unable to look into mine. Fuck. I’m such an idiot. I never thought that maybe she was back for just school and not me. Shit, is she even back to stay? “Unless you’re not staying.” The words barely come out. I don’t know what I will do if she says she’s just here for her stuff.

  “I don’t have to.” Her eyes look at the floor and it’s like all those months of progress went out the damn window, taking my Fate with them. Without Fate here I can’t stay. I might as well be the one to leave. At least I have other means to live somewhere else.

  “If you don’t want to be around me, I will be the one to leave. I can’t ask you to give up the semester because this isn’t what you want or have you pay more money to live somewhere else. If you want to stay I will leave.” Her eyes snap up and look right at me.

  “What are you talking about, Cameron?” God, it sounds so good to hear her say my name even if it’s only for now.

  “You don’t want this, I get that. I can leave, it’s only right, I pursued you. You didn’t ask for any of this.” She puts her bag down on the table and just walks into her bedroom, closing the door behind her. Well, that’s what I guessed. Turning around, I go to my room to get some shit together. I won’t hurt you anymore. If that’s why she looked the way she did in Orlando I won’t cause her that again. I will do whatever it takes to make sure she’s never in that much pain again even if it means having to endure that pain myself by walking away. I hear my door creak and I turn around. There is Fate in the kitty pajamas from the day I met her. That damn near wrecks me.

  “What are you doing?” she asks and the hurt in her voice is like someone just stabbed her with a knife. “Oh.” She turns, but I instinctively grab her hand. When she turns back, I immediately let go and wait for her to continue. “I won’t be in your way. I don’t blame you for leaving, I was horrible to you. Unforgiveable actually. I wouldn’t want to be around me either.”

  “What? Okay, wait a fucking second. I think we are so screwed up we don’t know what the hell is happening.” My mind is all confused I just have to be blunt and let the cards fall where they may.

  “Got that right,” she says and almost laughs. My whole body jumps at that. She’s still in there. My Fate.

  “I was packing some shit to go stay with Scott because I thought you wanted me to leave. That you didn’t want this.”

  “I don’t,” she says, and I’m fucking done. This girl just pulled the plug on me. She must notice because she starts talking again. “No. I mean, I don’t want you to leave,” she corrects and I feel like I can breathe again.

  “You don’t?” She shakes her head and I feel this charge building between us. Something has happened here. “What do you want?”

  “You.”

  I don’t even think. I just do. I’m tired of over thinking this shit. I just need to show her. She needs to feel this. All of it. That way there isn’t a question in that stubborn head of hers. I react the way my body has been begging me to since I saw her in these same fricking pajamas. I grab her, pushing her hard against the wall. We crash against it and she gasps. I don’t stop. My mouth crashes down on hers and she moans. Damn. My hands begin sliding up her arms and she doesn’t pull away. She’s meeting me step for step. Not missing a single fucking one.

  When she opens her mouth slightly I go in and deepen the kiss. I feel her hands gripping my shirt as I continue with her still pressed up against the wall. Then she surprises me. She puts her arms around my shoulders and wraps her legs around my waist. My hands find her waist and I grip her tightly. I. Am. Never. Letting. Go.

  Home. That’s all I feel right now and I’m not talking about the apartment. This girl is my fucking home. There will never be another one like her. There is no return for me from this. I’m all in and I hope to God she is too. When she starts pulling on my shirt, I know I have to stop this. I can’t push her. We need to keep with what was working because if I go too fast and she bails, that’s it for me. Game over.

  “Does that clear things up for you?” I say breathlessly against her bare shoulder where my head is now resting. I feel her let go of my waist with her legs and I pull back to let some air get between us.

  “You don’t hate me?” Is this girl serious?

  “You are it for me, Fate. Stop pushing me away because I’m not going anywhere,” I say without thinking. I just laid it all out there for her to see. I showed her and now I’ve said it. Might as well go in for the kill. “I love you, so just let me in, for fuck’s sake.” Her mouth drops open in surprise and I fucking love it. “Where were you, Fate?” I ask, and she shakes her head like she just isn’t sure what to say. “Why didn’t you come home? All this time could have been spared. Please talk to me,” I beg her because I need something. Anything at this point is better than the unknown. The unknown has been what was screwing with my mind for the last eight days.

  “I’m just nervous to talk about it.” She takes a deep breath, and I finally get a glimpse behind those walls. “After you left I went to a bad place. I couldn’t deal with the pain and Clarissa had no choice.” She is watching me so closely I feel like I’m the one who is nervous.

  “Where have you been, Fate?” Her face is full of apprehension. Does this girl not understand that she could tell me anything and it wouldn’t matter?

  “A mental hospital.”

  My mouth drops open. That I was not expecting.

  Chapter Nineteen

  When I walked in, he didn’t even notice. He was too busy being angry with Cecilia for keeping my contacting her from him. Once I spoke and he turned around
, it was like in that moment, I knew. I would never be okay again if I couldn’t repair the damage I’d done to this man. He looks like crap and he’s a freaking rock star. He was still hot as hell and anyone would want to jump his bones, but he just didn’t look as if he cared about anything. I had to change because I felt as if my own clothes were suffocating me and from the plane, I was completely uncomfortable. I needed to get into something familiar so I could have a very difficult conversation with him.

  Coming into his room and seeing him packing a bag crushed me. I thought in that moment that I’d lost every chance of making him forgive me. Then out of nowhere, he took me and pushed me against the wall. I wasn’t scared. I didn’t flinch at the contact. I welcomed it. I know he’d never hurt me. When he kissed me, I felt like my world wasn’t flat anymore. Lately I’d been feeling like my world had been crushed and in that moment, he put it all back together. I knew it might be short-lived because we hadn’t talked, but a girl needs things to dream about.

  Then he asked me where I’d been and everything came crashing down again. I had to come clean. I might not be able to tell him every detail of my issues, but this I could tell him. He deserved to know what he was getting into if he forgave me.

  “A mental hospital.”

  Cameron’s face is one filled with shock. I want to pull away from him but his touch is keeping me grounded. He doesn’t look away. He just watches and I feel the pressure. Clarissa and I talked about this before I left but saying it was a completely different thing. They let me leave the hospital, and Clarissa asked me to go into counseling here at the first sign of any issues. She also demanded that someone here know about my issues before putting me on a plane. That’s where Cecilia came in. I wasn’t sure she wouldn’t go to Cameron, but I thought we were friends too. I told her I would tell him. Asking her to lie was not part of the deal.

  “Cameron,” I say because I don’t want to continue if this sealed things for him. Taking a deep breath and committing the feeling of his touch to memory for later, I step out of his grasp. “You can walk away now, I won’t hold it against you, I promise.”

  “Stop.” I’m not sure if he means the talking or that I was pulling away. I’m silently praying it is the latter. To be sure, I just don’t do anything. I’m completely still, waiting for him to give me some clue as to what he actually wants.

  “Do you not realize how I feel about you?” Looking down, I shake my head. Not because I don’t know but because he shouldn’t. I can’t say it back, it’s a tainted word for me. The other part of me also worries that it’s changed because he found out who I really am. “Look at me,” he commands, and I do as he says. His eyes tear right through me.

  “Fate. Stop pushing me away because you think I’m going to leave. You could tell me anything, it wouldn’t change how I feel about you. When you love someone, all this other shit is just something to work through. They aren’t game changers.” That night in my bedroom in Orlando he said he thought I knew him better than that. I think I’m finally starting to see that as much as I hide, he still sees it all. But the best part is that he doesn’t care. It’s unconditional.

  “What happened?” Truth time.

  “You know that I was hurt by someone.” He nods and I’m happy he seems to just want to let me say this and get it over with. “Well, he is getting out on parole. I only found out after being home for two days. It’s why I pulled away. I couldn’t deal with all my emotions. Unfortunately, even the good ones and that meant you. Then you showed up and I was just so haunted by everything, I pushed you. It was something I couldn’t control. I just kept telling myself you’d eventually leave anyway.”

  “I shouldn’t have left. You needed me and I walked out on you.” Oh, this was not what I wanted him to feel.

  “Please know that this was not your fault. Whether you stayed or not, it wouldn’t have mattered. The only thing that would have changed is you would have had the same guilt as Clarissa when she took me to the hospital.” Clarissa still struggles with what she did. I know why she had to but that doesn’t take her guilt away. Cameron wouldn’t have been able to handle that.

  “So that’s why you didn’t come home? You were there the whole time,” he asks and I feel like I’m about to show him more of my feelings than I ever have before.

  “Actually, no, I was able to leave and I went back to the house with Clarissa. I couldn’t come back here. Not with how we left things.” His hand rests against my check and I lean into the warmth. I missed this. I missed all of him. The peacefulness I feel by being touched by him is unlike anything I’ve felt before.

  “What possibilities?” he asks as he grazes my skin with his fingers. Now he’s just making it hard for me to think at all.

  “Ah…well I wasn’t sure what I was coming back to. Did you want me to leave? Would you be okay with still being my friend?”

  “We were never just friends, Fate,” he states and on every level I know he’s right. From the moment he walked into my world, I knew. I fought it because I knew it would lead to some touch moments, but I know if he’s by my side I can handle them all.

  “No. So that was another fear. I didn’t know if that left anything at all. I was awful to you and to just walk back in wasn’t something I was looking forward to doing. I kept putting it off and then Cecilia told me I had to come. I assumed maybe you wanted me to leave, so I came, but I was hoping it was because you’ve been as miserable as I have been. Cameron, I have never been as unhappy as I was without you in my life. I don’t know what the future holds, but we can have our days. Each one of them endless to us, if that makes sense.”

  “Forever in a day,” he says, and those words hit home with me. That’s exactly what I was talking about. This man gets me. “So when you thought about coming back here to see me, what did you want to happen?”

  “I wanted you to stay with me. Because as much as I hate to say it, I need you,” I say truthfully and a smile sweeps across his face.

  “I need you too,” he says and softly kisses me. “I felt all those worries too, Fate. When you’re feeling something, tell me. It’s the only way we can stay on the same page. I know you have limitations and I won’t push those. When you’re ready, you will tell me whatever it is you’re keeping from me. If that day never comes that’s okay too.”

  “Thank you.” Knowing I don’t have to tell him my story brings me peace. I know I will have to talk to him about it one day, but today I can just be happy with Cameron.

  “I have a question. How would this affect our baby steps? I’m not asking because I’m pressuring you to make new ones, I’m asking so I don’t do old ones that would now cause you stress.” Of course Cameron would think of our baby steps and all that these new issues could come with them. “Here, alone. Nothing needs to change. But in public, I need to go back to where I was. I’m just not sure how I’d feel. I’m not saying no. I’m saying I’m not sure.”

  “Cameron, I might never be able to do certain things. You may want to really think if this is what you want. Someone else with fewer problems may be suited better to your life. I can’t promise anything but what you have before you. You deserve so much more than me.” Being so honest about my fears and my thoughts is new to me. I always hide them and it’s time I just put myself out there. I don’t want a life of ‘what if’s,’ I want a full life, even if it has some heartache. It will be worth it. Cameron is worth that risk.

  “No. My answer is no,” he commands and my heart stops. I’m unsure what he means, so I do what he’s asked. I ask him.

  “So what are you saying, Cameron? Put me on the same page,” I say, and he gives me that smirk I’ve been missing from my life for far too long.

  “Nothing changed for me; no one can take your place, Fate. Shit, if anything, I love you more than I fucking did before. You let me.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Cameron

  Life with Fate has been going so good since she came back. Something has to screw with that and in
walks Trisha. “What the hell is she doing here?” I say to Scott and Cecilia. They just shake their heads, telling me they don’t know shit either. Thank God Fate just went through the back door to the bathroom.

  I brought Fate here today to see the practice space and get her comfortable here. I know she’s not ready to hear the music of the full band yet, but I think that day will come. We’ve moved past the earplugs when I play my guitar. I haven’t plugged it into the amp or played my acoustic so there really isn’t any more noise, but we are making progress. She has come so far since she got back and I am falling more in love with this girl every day. It’s pathetic, but I wouldn’t change it.

  “Trisha, what the hell are you doing here?” This is the last thing I need right now. “You shouldn’t be here. Fate is here and we both know it will do no one any good to have you here.” Fate hates this girl and with good reason. I can’t say I’d be okay with one of her exes sniffing around if she had one. We’ve talked about relationships, but she hasn’t been in one. I love that more than anything. Having Trisha show up here just screws with everything in my life. I don’t want her here. This girl is trouble, even I hate when she’s around.

  “I wanted to see my baby,” she says with a little pout. This has always been her game. I used to play to get a piece but that’s just not happening anymore.

  “I’m not your baby. I never was. Besides that, I told you I’m with Fate.” I drag out her name, hoping she gets the hint.

  “But you’re not exclusive, so here I am and we should go. I’ve missed you so much. Let me show you what you’ve been missing,” she says with a smirk, trying to be sexy. It’s not working. Only one thing does it for me. Fate.