Betwixt

by Melissa Pearl

  I'm bleeding.

  I jerk at the realization and scream.

  The left side of my body feels as though it's been pounded with a ball pein hammer. I use my right hand to do a quick assessment. My arm is killing me. I don't want to touch it, but force myself to feel around the area. My elbow is swollen and throbbing. I try to move it again, but the pain is excruciating.

  I lie still as panicked breaths punch through my system. I am on the verge of an all out cry-fest. I can feel myself losing it. If I don't pull it together, panic is soon going to rob me of all common sense.

  Who gives a shit about common sense? I'm freaking out here!

  "Just stop."

  The words wisp out through my parched lips. My brain is fighting for control, forcing my emotions to settle.

  "Stop."

  I repeat myself another ten times, until my breathing returns to a normal pattern.

  "Now think." I can hear my father's voice in my head. Whenever I got angry as a kid, he would say, "Stop. Breathe. Think. Now what's the best way to handle this?"

  It used to bug the hell out of me. He hadn't said it in a really long time. It's surprising how comforting the memory is.

  "Stop." Done that.

  "Breathe." Done that.

  "Think." Okay, think.

  How did I get here? How did this happen?

  An image of me tumbling down an embankment sparks in my brain. I carefully turn my head to look up the steep slope. I am surrounded by pine trees. Daylight struggles to reach me through the thick branches, but I am still lying on a bed of dappled light.

  I'm afraid to move, but lift my head to get a better idea of what might be up the hill.

  It achieves nothing but pain.

  I can't see where I am. I have no idea what's up or down.

  All I know is that I hurt.

  I really, really hurt.

  And is that puke I smell? I glance to my right and notice a patch of grossness near my head. Ewwww! Why was I puking? Did I get totally plastered and fall down this hill or something? Why didn't someone help me? Did my friends just laugh and walk away, leaving my completely alone?

  Alone.

  I am totally alone.

  Panic rises with cruel swiftness.

  "No. Stop. Breathe. Think." I can hear the desperation in my voice and my next words can barely make it out past my tears. "What's the best way to handle this?"

  The sobs make my belly quiver. I brush my tears away and yell, "I have no idea!! Help me! Someone help me!"

  I scream until my voice is hoarse. The birds have gone quiet and now I'm left with nothing.

  Hopelessness engulfs me, but my brain won't let it win. I can still hear Dad's words repeating over and over like a mantra.

  I try once more.

  Stop. Breathe. Think.

  I want my mom.

  No. Nicole! Stop! Breathe! Think!

  I push my childish wishes aside and accept the fact I'm alone. The feeling's not new, but that doesn't stop my heart from burning.

  Think. Think, Nicole.

  I breathe in slowly through my nostrils and let the air whoosh free.

  Think.

  Okay, so my arm's screwed, but I can still use my right hand. Maybe I can drag myself up the hill and see if there is any civilization nearby.

  I twist my body, ready to execute my brilliant plan when a pain fires up from my knee. It is so intense, stars appear in rapid succession, followed by a black haze. Before I know what's happening, I'm standing in my living room staring at that hideous pine tree.

  "Yes, hi. It's Mrs. Tepper here, Nicole's mother."

  Mom.

  I scoot around the couch and make a beeline for the kitchen, following her voice like a lifeline.

  "Mom. Thank God."

  She is looking at her feet as she circles the counter, nodding her head.

  "Yes, but has she come into school today?"

  "Mom." I stand in her way and wave my arms, but she can't see me.

  "No? Okay, thank you."

  Dammit! Am I a ghost? Have I died already?

  No, I can't have. It was like this this morning. It all feels the same. Maybe my mind's left my body. Maybe I'm caught in this weird sub-reality, half-dead half-alive.

  A shiver races down my spine. Half-dead... and probably not that far off fully dead unless I find help.

  "Mom!" I wave my arms more frantically, but she just nods her head and looks through me.

  "Yes, I understand, but can you please contact me if anyone sees her?"

  Wow, she actually looks worried.

  "Thank you." Mom hangs up the phone and fidgets with her earring. Her eyes have that glassy sheen to them as she stares at the counter. She's clearly in zombie mode and she only tends to do that when she's concentrating really hard or simply doesn't know what to do.

  "Mom." I stand right next to her. Maybe if I'm super close she'll be able to hear me. "It's me. It's Nicole. I need your help. You have to find me. I'm hurt. I don't know where I am or what's happened to me, but I need you to keep trying. Please, call someone else."

  I reach for the phone and my fingers pass straight through it.

  Gross!

  So not loving the ghost thing.

  "Mom, please." My voice quivers.

  She snaps out of her reverie and walks to the coffee machine. Flipping up the lid, she lets out a sigh and dumps the dregs into the trash can. Grabbing a fresh filter, she pops it in the top and reaches for the coffee.

  The phone stops her. She forces a smile and presses the answer button, making sure it's on speaker phone so she can keep moving around the kitchen.

  "Hey, where are you right now?"

  "Dad! Can you hear me?" I know it's pointless, but yell it anyway.

  Mom's filling up the glass jug with water, so calls over her shoulder, "I came home."

  "I thought you didn't have a moment spare today?"

  "I don't, thanks to Jackie A. Man, that woman is so demanding... such a pain in the ass."

  My father chuckles. "Why are you home then?"

  She empties the water into the top then slots the jug into the machine with force and presses the ON button.

  "I just wanted to see if Nicky was here. I thought maybe she was playing hooky again and just waiting until I left before surfacing."

  Mom knew I played hooky? Yikes, I didn't know that. Why has she never said anything? I feel my spirit deflate. I don't want to answer that question.

  "Look, honey, I know you're worried, but I'm sure she's fine."

  "She's not fine, Mitchell." Her fingers tap on the counter as she waits for her coffee to percolate. "I know she gets home at all hours, I know she probably gets up to mischief with her friends, I know she's dating some loser... what's his name, Brent or something? But she always comes home. She's always here in the morning."

  How does she know all this stuff? I've never even introduced her to Trent?

  Dad clears his throat. "Trudy, she's stayed out all night before."

  "But not on a school night. I can't shake the feeling that something's not right."

  "Have you called her?"

  "It just goes straight to voicemail. There's no point leaving a message, she'd never call me back anyway."

  "I'm sure she'll check in eventually. I don't think we should worry yet."

  "But what if she finally did it?"

  Did what?

  "I don't..." Dad sighs. "I don't want to think that way."

  Mom's eyes fill with tears.

  "Mom?" I reach out to touch her, but know I can't. "What do you think I did?"

  "Let's explore all the options first, okay? I'll give the school a call."

  "I already have."

  "And?"

  "They don't think she's come in."

  "Well, maybe it's worth actually going down there. One of her friends will definitely be able to tell us something. If she's run away, one of them will know."

  "Run away? Wait a sec, you think I've run aw
ay? I haven't!" I wave my hand in front of Mom's face, but I'm nothing more than air. "Mom, I haven't run away. I need you guys to find me."

  "Yeah." Mom sighs as she pulls out the jug and pours fresh coffee into her thermos mug. "I'll try and get over there sometime today."

  "Try not to worry. She'll turn up."

  "Yeah, I just-" Mom's phone beeps. "Dammit. That's Jackie again. I better go."

  "I'll see you at dinner. I'll try be home by six. If she hasn't surfaced by then, we can talk about what to do next."

  "Yeah okay. Bye." She holds her breath before taking it off speaker and pasting on a smile.

  "Jac-kie." Her voice is bright and breezy as she grabs her mug and walks out of the kitchen back towards her car.

  I follow her with swift steps and make it out the door before she closes it on me. As soon as she opens the driver's door, I scramble inside. "Mom, I wish you could hear me. What can I do to make you hear me?"

  I try whacking the dashboard and beeping the horn, but it's pointless. I'm made of freaking air. Besides, she's so immersed in her call with Jackie, she probably wouldn't even notice if I was actually here.

  I slump into my seat with a curse.

  The phone call lasts until just past Big Bear Village. Mom continues cruising towards the school, her fingers drumming... her mind a million miles away.

  "Are you thinking about me? Wondering what I'm up to? You should go to the school. Don't wait, go there now."

  I can see the turn off to school just up ahead. Mom slows the car and looks down Maple Lane.

  "That's it. Turn right. You can do it."

  Her phone starts ringing again. She looks at the screen and sighs before answering with that plastic sunshine of hers.

  "Hello, Gordan... Uh-huh. Sure I'm free right now. I can meet you in ten minutes." Mom flicks on the wrong indicator and goes to do a U-turn.

  "No! School! Find out where I was last night!"

  She brakes to let a couple of cars pass and I make a hasty decision.

  "Fine. If you're not gonna go, I will."

  I try to jump out the open window, but end up falling through the car door. I probably look like a total dork as I jump away from the car and hit the curb. I land in a heap as she pulls away from me.

  I slowly brush myself off, collect my bag, which seems to appear with me in spite of the fact I'm not really here, and turn towards school. I shouldn't expect Mom or Dad to be able to hear me... we're hardly close. Depression takes a seat on my shoulder and reminds me I'm not really close to anybody... ergo, no one will ever be able to hear me.

  I try shaking it off as I put one foot in front of the other. The least I can do is find out what happened to me last night. I don't want to die completely clueless.

  I don't actually want to die at all... I think.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  I run to school and rush towards the dance studio. The door is closed.

  Perfect! How the hell am I supposed to get in?!

  I think about falling through the car door and shudder. No, I won't do it.

  So, what else am I supposed to do?

  Before I can figure that out, the door bursts open and I'm engulfed by a gaggle of girls making their way to... free period. We always have free period after dance on a Wednesday.

  I try to avoid the rush, but can't help a few people walking through me. I try to convince myself that I feel them brushing through my arms and shoulders, but I am like a cloud of smoke. A couple of the girls shiver like Trent did. Maybe people can feel me.

  I grab for Amber's arm as she walks past, but get no reaction. My fingers swipe straight through her flesh as her arm swings away from me. She's giggling at Lauren's references to her oblivious make out session at study group.

  "I couldn't help it. He's hot."

  "He's not that hot." Lauren shakes her head. "You were too drunk to notice."

  "I was not!"

  "You were a little drunk," Penny murmurs.

  "Okay, fine, but that doesn't change the fact he's a good kisser."

  "So you gonna start dating him then?"

  "Maybe." Amber puts her nose in the air. "Or maybe it was just a study group fling."

  Lauren giggles and threads her arm through Amber's.

  "Better make sure Nicole keeps her hooks out of him then."

  What did she just say?

  "Uch! Did you see her prancing around last night in that million dollar shirt?"

  A memory floods my brain as the girls walk away from me. I struggle to keep up as the images play out in my mind.

  I flounced out of the house, having spent at least an hour making sure I looked perfect. I opened the passenger door with a grin and slid inside.

  "Check out the new attire." Amber pointed at my shirt.

  "You like?"

  "Me love!" She touched the soft leather and ran her finger over the fine lace trim. I was sure her skin turned a little green before she cleared her throat and pulled onto the road. "Where'd you get it?"

  I forced a casual tone.

  "It's a Marc Jacobs. I bought it online."

  "No freaking way! How do you afford this stuff? I can barely convince my mother that a $200 pair of shoes is reasonable."

  I grabbed out my Dad's credit card and looked at her with a sly grin.

  "You want one too?"

  She glanced my way then started laughing.

  "You are such a bad ass."

  "She's such a little thief." Amber flicks back her hair as they ascend the stairs, heading for the library.

  Well, she's certainly changed her tune.

  I try not to let it bug me, but I can't help crossing my arms and frowning.

  "O.M.G. you guys, check this out." Penny grabs Amber's arm. "I just got a text from Milly."

  Everyone gives her a blank stare.

  "You know, the slightly chubby one who works in the office sometimes." Penny frowns. "I don't know how she managed to get out of class to score such a cruisy gig, but anyways."

  I move behind my friends in order to avoid an onslaught of human traffic as we weave through the narrow corridor and out into the quad.

  "Listen to this..." Penny holds the phone closer to her face. "Just heard convo. Nicole not at school. Mom thinks she's AWOL."

  The girls gasp and my chest tightens with hope.

  Okay girls, start piecing it together. I hold my breath.

  "No way. She's playing hooky again." Lauren rolls her eyes.

  "Yeah, I mean she didn't call this morning."

  "Did you call her?" Penny looks at Amber.

  "I tried."

  "Liar." Lauren giggles. "You're still mad she rejected your ride home last night."

  I did what?

  "Hey, I had to break down a very important kissing scenario and she wasn't there for me."

  Are you kidding me, right now?

  "Guys! Can one of you at least start to worry please!"

  Penny scratches her nose.

  "I'm gonna tweet, see if anyone's seen her."

  "Thank you, Penny." I scowl at my other supposed friends.

  If you want to know anything at this school, you follow @Twitterbug. Within two minutes the guys from study group were chasing us down.

  "So Nicole's AWOL. What's up with that?" Matt swings his arm around Penny's shoulder. Penny shrugs him off with a polite smile.

  I shake my head. How long has he been trying for her affections now? How many rejections does it take? Get a clue, Matt.

  "Yeah, her mom called the office. She hasn't seen her."

  "She's probably just hiding out at home until her mom leaves the house or something."

  "I'm surprised her mother even cares. She's allowed to do whatever she wants."

  "I know, right? If I ever got busted sneaking home after ten on a school night, I'd be grounded for life. She waltzes in and out of her place whenever she wants."

  "I wish I had her life."

  Not right now, you don't.

  "So, where do you th
ink she is?" Penny's face is alight with the thrill of gossip.

  "At home."

  "L.A. for the day."

  "Making out with Trent behind the bleachers."

  "Who's making out with me?" Trent appears from nowhere. I look up at his tall frame and fight the urge to admire him. Cheating A-hole. If this had been a normal day, I would have put my arm around his waist. He would have kissed the top of my head and we would have walked to the library, listening to the others, while sharing secret little looks. His hand would roam my back, sending sparks over my body.

  Hands that roamed other backs.

  I step away from him and call him the worst swear I can think of.

  "Nicole, who else?"

  Trent chuckles and runs a hand through his short, dark hair. His dimples pop into place and he looks around with a grin. Matt and Drue roll their eyes. Maybe they know he's scum too... or maybe they think his cheating antics are cool. Man, I hate these guys sometimes.

  "She's missing, you know." Penny stops at the library doors.

  "What?" Trent swallows, looking slightly nervous.

  "Yeah, apparently her mom called the school to say she doesn't know where she is."

  "That's crazy. She's around."

  "She's not at home."

  Trent shrugs. "She's probably just run away to L.A. for the day."

  "He's right, you know." Lauren shrugs. "Amber you said she stole her Dad's credit card. She's probably walking Rodeo Drive as we speak."

  The jealousy in Lauren's voice is impossible to miss.

  "But she usually invites me." Amber frowns then her expression darkens. I can hear her thinking, "Bitch."

  "I didn't not invite you, Amber. I'm stuck in a forest somewhere, dying, not shopping on Rodeo Drive."

  I look at Lauren.

  "Didn't you take her home last night?" Penny points at Trent.

  He nods, looking slightly awkward.

  "What?" Amber steps towards him.

  "Nothing. I just hope she's okay. She wasn't herself last night."

  I wasn't?

  "What do you mean?"

  "She just seemed uptight. I'm sure she's just blowing off steam somewhere. You know what she's like."

  They all nod.

  I frown.

  What was I like? Why was I uptight last night? What did he mean by that?