Broken Lies

by Roger Williams

  “Yeah, come on, Daddy!” said Amy.

  “Oh, your daddy’s, uh, well, pretty busy this morning. You guys have a good time. I’ll be here when you get back.”

  Linda raised her eyebrows and tightened her mouth. “What are you going to do?”

  “I’ll find something.”

  CHAPTER 27

  Her research on the Internet the night before had revealed a Baptist church a few miles away, and since Linda had been raised in the denomination, she felt better about that choice than about the competing options.

  The parking was lot full, so she found a place on the street, grabbed her children’s hands, and wove her way through the cars. A woman in the entry area showed her the location of the Sunday school classes. Once she had them signed in, Linda seated herself near the back of the packed sanctuary, immediately noticing the cushioned chairs were much more comfortable than the old pews of her teenage years. As the piano played a nice tune, her eyes roamed the congregation, upwards of two hundred smartly dressed people in attendance that morning. A blue-robed choir prepared to sing a number while the minister and an apparent associate, both in suits, entered the stage from a side door and sat down in two reserved chairs.

  After what Linda used to call the “warm-up,” consisting of several rehearsed hymns, the associate stepped up and promoted a couple of social events. He then announced the offering baskets coming around and said a prayer. The choir sang another hymn while four men made certain the baskets reached everyone. Linda pulled out a twenty and dutifully made her donation. Then came a special song (though not too special in Linda’s mind) by an older woman. The crowd graciously showed its pleasure.

  Finally the minister stood and took a few slow, deliberate steps to the wooden lectern. He wore a dark brown suit with a pinstriped tie that didn’t match all that well, his round face sitting on a short, thick neck that melted into his oversize frame. The Reverend Johnston adjusted his glasses and began reading from his notes, occasionally looking up for verbal support.

  “Everyone knows that on Tuesday morning, September 11, four commercial airplanes were hijacked by terrorists and flown into New York City’s World Trade Center and the Pentagon in Washington, D.C., killing everyone on board and thousands of innocent citizens on the ground. Our president has called this an act of war. Those who planned and organized this event have been labeled as cowards, as ruthless terrorists, and as enemies of the United States. Americans are stunned by these attacks and feel an overwhelming grief for the victims and their families. I have seen a mixture of anger and fear throughout our nation.”

  He raised his head and acknowledged a sprinkling of amens before continuing. “Those of you in attendance a few months ago know that we looked at the time when King David brought the ark of the covenant back to Jerusalem, and on the way, a man by the name of Uzzah was killed by God because he dishonored the Lord’s presence. David became angry at the Lord and afraid of him at the same time. So David expressed the two emotions I’m seeing here in our country: anger and fear. I said, anger and fear!”

  A few obedient amens took the minister back to his notes. “People are angry at those who have violated our land of freedom and have murdered the innocent. Yet at the same time, they are filled with the fear that terrorists will strike again—perhaps today, perhaps next week, and perhaps in ways that we’ve never imagined.

  “People are also angry at those who have weakened international intelligence and national security, yet they are also afraid that no matter what we do, we may still be vulnerable. Anger and fear!” he shouted, pounding the lectern. “Neither emotion is a healthy place from which to respond. Both are likely to lead people to make choices they may later regret. And so even though anger and fear are normal human emotions, we should not allow them to influence the decisions we make!”

  As the crowd clapped in approval, Linda noted how this sermon recalled what her husband had said about the personal lies that once ensnared him. Chase often pointed to his freedom from anger and fear. She continued to reflect as she listened to the minister.

  “We as a nation have just experienced one of the most horrific events in our history, what President Bush has called the first war of the twenty-first century. But how should we respond? As Christians, we must look at our response in a twofold fashion. First, our nation must take strong action against its enemies to protect citizens and to ensure continued freedom. We should therefore do everything we can to support efforts to eliminate those who are terrorizing and killing innocent men, women, and children all over the world. Second, we must realize that these acts of war and terrorism are earthly expressions of a spiritual enemy. The obvious hatred toward America by those in terrorist organizations is merely a reflection of the hatred the devil has for mankind in general and for Christians specifically.

  “And so our country is at war, and I believe we must support our country. Thousands of wonderful lives were stolen from us on Tuesday—sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, friends and loved ones—most buried in the darkness of concrete and steel. As the mayor of New York so aptly said, ‘We are all New Yorkers in this hour.’ In addition, the body of Christ is at war. Our nation’s future battles may be fought on foreign soil. However, our battle as Christians is not against flesh and blood but against the one who is behind the evil we see, the deceiver, the destroyer, the wicked one himself.”

  The Reverend Johnston spoke for another thirty minutes about the devil’s tactics, about the need to stand together in prayer, and about how Christians must let their light shine into the darkness of the world. Linda’s mind drifted in and out, her body restless during the long speech. She liked the first part, which seemed appropriately patriotic, but simply couldn’t follow the spiritual dimension of the attacks. Chase wouldn’t like that, she thought. Better that he didn’t come after all.

  **

  After perfunctorily watching his family walk out the front door, Chase seized the time alone to process recent thoughts. He would have enjoyed a cigar but decided against it since Linda might think he chose that pleasure over going to church. Instead, he poured another hot cup of coffee and sauntered outside next to the fountain. A perfect fall morning greeted him, reds, oranges, and golds beginning to color the backyard trees. He loved Linda’s enthusiasm when, just days earlier, she gleefully noticed the variety of colors in the neighborhood trees. Paying no attention to the stunning contrasts in his youth, Chase now shared his wife’s appreciation of nature’s cyclical beauty.

  So why did he display stubbornness regarding God and religion and church? Chase reasoned that his attitude must have been born out of resentment for his father, but could there be a lie hiding beneath his cynicism? Perhaps the lie that no truth existed in religion since no truth resided in his dad? Or maybe the lie that God must not care about him? It seemed that way given his father’s abandonment and his brother’s death, events God evidently allowed. Had he become God’s judge? Chase shivered at the notion. No, he didn’t think he had fallen quite that far since he felt fine with God. His problem, therefore, must be more about the people who follow God. But why? Other than the obnoxious insistence that others accept their narrow point of view, Chase didn’t have much of an answer, and he felt shallow citing the cliché of hypocrisy.

  Ruminating without resolution frustrated him. Why could he figure out so many other areas of his life but not this one? Could it be that big a deal to allow his children Christian influence? Or maybe his resistance was justified since the recent attacks appeared to be religiously motivated. But were Christians as dangerous as those other people? Or as brainwashed? He couldn’t believe that. After all, his mom turned out okay with her Catholic faith. Lane and Kathy had continued to attend Mass on occasion. Maybe he simply rejected the concept of God being involved in a person’s everyday life. Why would God care? Why would he want anything to do with a person like himself? And if he didn’t, why should anyone w
ant anything to do with God’s religion?

  “I think I may be getting somewhere,” Chase said half aloud. He wasn’t angry with God. He didn’t consider himself recalcitrant or too proud, and he certainly wasn’t impervious to reason. But since God apparently had no time for him, why would he want to give God any of his own time? Chase felt better, almost placid. He finished his coffee, strolled back inside, and found the Sunday newspaper waiting for him by his chair.

  Before Linda and the children returned, Chase showered and began to work on a few neglected projects. In the middle of fixing one of the kitchen chairs, he heard the front door open.

  “Hi, hon’. We’re home!”

  “Daddy, Daddy!”

  “I’m in here,” he called out while on the floor.

  “Oh, there you are,” Linda said with a smirk, “lying down on the job as usual!”

  “Daddy, we went to Sunday school!” Amy said excitedly as she looked down at him.

  “You liked it?”

  “Oh yeah! It was fun!”

  Ryan copied his sister. “Yeah, it was fun!”

  “Cool. Now why don’t you let Daddy finish working here, and maybe Mommy will fix us some lunch.” He glanced up at Linda with a wink.

  “Sure. I’m famished. Kids, why don’t you go clean up and we’ll eat in about twenty minutes.”

  Linda set her purse down, pulled out a couple of pans, and began preparations while Chase continued to work, searching for the question that would demonstrate interest without intrigue. “What about you, babe? How’d you like church?”

  “It was good.”

  After a moment of silence, Chase craned his neck and looked up with a puzzled expression. “That’s it?”

  “You really care?”

  “Sure I do. Tell me about it.”

  “All right,” she said with a deep breath, thinking her husband might be at least somewhat interested. “Well, I sat in the very last row since the place overflowed with people. I’ve never seen anything like it. A buzz of anticipation seemed to fill the room, lots of people looking for answers after Tuesday—including myself.”

  “Did you discover any?”

  Linda left the bacon and eggs cooking on the stove and peered under the table, speaking in a hushed voice as if she had discovered something worth sharing. “I think I did, Chase. After the songs and formalities, the minister spoke of the attacks. He was patriotic and very much to the point, but what caught my attention was when he dramatically emphasized two primary emotions our country demonstrated this week: anger and fear.”

  Chase cursed under his breath when the screwdriver slid off its target and landed on his other hand. “Okay,” he said, wincing. “Makes sense so far.”

  “But Chase, don’t you see the connection between that and the lies you were freed from?”

  “Oh yeah,” he answered with a shrug, rolling his eyes and licking his wound. “I actually did wonder whether our country’s believed a lie about itself. But I don’t see anything wrong with normal human responses during a time like this. Seems natural.”

  “I agree. The minister’s point was basically about the danger of making critical decisions based upon the emotions of anger and fear.”

  “All right, I can buy that. Wow! You really liked this guy.”

  “For the most part. I just couldn’t follow his examples from the Bible, though everybody else seemed to enjoy that part, you know, with all the clapping and the amens.”

  “Of course they did, babe. They’re part of the group.”

  Linda ignored his sarcasm and returned to the stove. “And how was your morning?” she asked.

  “Oh fine. Just taking care of a few things around the house.” Chase didn’t feel up to sharing his thoughts about God and religion.

  “Well thank you. That was nice. And hon’, the children sure loved their classes,” she said with a smile.

  “Yeah, I could tell. They want to go back?”

  “Probably. I’m just not so sure I do.”

  Chase sat up on one knee and wiped his brow, attempting not to appear too interested. “Why’s that?”

  Linda stroked her curls. “I think this has to be a family affair. Chase, I can’t see myself taking our children to church, or anywhere for that matter, apart from you. The last thing we need is to live separate lives again, as you once said, like two people living in their own individual worlds.”

  Annoyed, Chase straddled the table leg to finish his job. “So what do you expect me to do, Linda, compromise myself by going somewhere that I simply cannot stomach?”

  She wanted to cry out, “Yes! That is exactly what you should do,” but she found herself saying, “No, that is not what I expect of you.”

  “Well good. On the other hand, if you do wish to return, I just may consider going with you one time. I guess it can’t hurt that much,” he added with a chuckle.

  Linda placed the bacon and eggs on the table and then knelt down next to Chase. “Hon’, thanks for at least being open.”

  “Sure, babe. After all, we are a family.”

  Monday arrived and Chase had to drive to Syracuse. He left early, having decided to phone Doctor Rhinegold to discuss the question of dreams. He left a message with his cell number and continued on. He got a return call from L.A. within minutes.

  “Doctor Rhinegold?”

  “Yes, Chase. How have you been?”

  “Hang on a sec. Let me pull over.”

  He found a safe place to stop along the highway and placed his phone on speaker. “I’m glad you returned my call so quickly. Do you have a minute to answer one question?”

  “Sure. Go ahead.”

  “I’ve been having an unusual number of dreams these past several months, and without going into the details, I simply wanted to know if a person can dream excessively. Is it normal?”

  “So you’ve had quite a few.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, Chase, dreams are formed in the subconscious, and they often involve a processing of what your conscious mind has been dwelling upon or struggling with or the experiences that may be producing conflict or questions. Other times, dreams can simply confirm what you already know, a reminder in a sense that you’re traveling down the right road. Still other times, it may just be the pizza you ate!”

  Chase laughed. “Okay, I understand the possibilities, but is it normal for dreams to have recurring themes, to bring the same sort of message?”

  “What type of message?”

  “Well, as you said, confirming things that I already know or have recently experienced.”

  “Do your dreams seem accurate?”

  “I guess if I’m interpreting them accurately.”

  “Well I am not an expert on dream interpretation, but I would suggest paying attention to them because your mind, and perhaps your emotions, may be reiterating a subconscious demand to consciously focus upon the significance of the message. Is that what you’re doing?”

  “Yes, I am. But let me ask you this. What about having a dream within a dream?”

  “That occurred with you?”

  “Yeah, recently.”

  “As I said, I’m not an expert and find making a judgment difficult, especially without hearing about them, but perhaps consider the second one more important, the first playing a set-up role for the next one.”

  “So this is normal.”

  “Chase, there have been many studies concluding that everyone dreams. Remembering dreams is another issue. Let’s say, for example, that you’ve dreamed fifty or so times in the last couple of months, most nights multiple times, yet you have recalled only four or five dreams. What that tells me is that the ones you wake up remembering are indeed necessary foci for your life. Is that normal? In the realm of the subconscious, what would you say is normal, Chase?”

  “I
have no idea.”

  “Nor do I.”

  “So I guess I just need to go with the flow.”

  “Have they assisted you in processing your change?”

  “I think so.”

  “Well there you have it. Listen, I need to catch my next appointment, but it’s been great to speak with you again.”

  “Can you send me a bill?

  “This one’s on me. Say hello to Linda for me.”

  “Will do. Thanks so much.”

  “And one more thing, Chase.”

  “Okay.”

  “I’m proud of you.”

  “Oh … Thank you.”

  “I really am. Take care.”

  Chase stared at the phone in his hand. Had anyone ever said that to him before? Maybe Linda. He couldn’t recall. But because they came from such a respected authority, he treasured the words. “I’m proud of you,” the doctor said. The line echoed in his mind and stood in immediate contrast with all the other words spoken to him, words from his father, words from his friends, even words he had spoken to himself. “I’m proud of you.” Although his family had pointed to the remarkable changes in his life since the spider-web event, this was by far the most powerful affirmation he had ever received.

  CHAPTER 28

  The years that followed proved unmemorable. Shortly after the attacks from the Middle East, widespread displays of patriotism waned. And though forever changed, within a decade the country seemed to return to a sense of invulnerability, audaciously borrowing and spending as if nothing could affect its prosperity. Chase flourished in his national sales positions. Linda continued to assist him from their home office but also took a part-time job as an administrative assistant at the local elementary school. The family never returned to church during those years. And Stan made no further attempts to contact Linda.

  Amy graduated from high school in 2009, and having proved her academic excellence, prepared to go away to college in Providence at the beginning of September. Ryan turned sixteen and showed little interest in school, becoming increasingly distant from his parents and demonstrating early signs of rebellion, which greatly concerned Chase and Linda. They purchased a used 2005 Toyota pickup truck for his birthday, not as a reward but for practical reasons.