Nuts About You: A Testicular Cancer Anthology

by Anthology

  Maggie and the nurse exchange looks and both smirk before Maggie says. “Now boys… that’s enough. Why don’t you go find some coffee, Jamison? Would you mind bringing me one, too?”

  He shakes his head. “Nah, I can do that.”

  The nurse checks one of my machines and adjusts something before checking the IV in my hand and saying. “I’m starting your drip. This is just something to help you relax a bit. Anesthesiology will give you the good stuff in the OR, but this will get you started and should lower your blood pressure some.”

  Jamison laughs, “Lord, yes. Please give him double whatever you’re supposed to!”

  I roll my eyes. “You’re still here…”

  He flips me off. “I’m leaving to get your girlfriend some coffee. Because she’s nice on top of being smoking hot. Why she’s with you, I do not understand.”

  Glaring at him, I snarl. “Stop checking out my girlfriend. You should be nice to me, I have cancer. And if I die, I’m going to haunt the fuck out of you so you don’t try to get with Maggie.”

  Maggie snorts. “Oh my God. Shut up, Spradley. Jamison doesn’t want to ‘get with me.’ You’re being awful. I know you’re freaked out, but don’t snap at your best friend. You need to calm down.” She leans over to kiss me softly and whispers, “And you’re not going to die, so stop saying that.”

  I could die.

  Why am I being such a dick to Jamison?

  I’m scared shitless, that’s why and when I’m scared, I lash out. But, I shouldn’t be lashing out at him.

  I feel fuzzy.

  My lips soften under hers and I slip my tongue into her mouth. She sighs and kisses me back. Her hands cup my face as my hands reach for her nape. As her tongue lightly glides against mine, my cock stirs under the thin hospital sheet. Leaning back, I whisper, “Does that door lock?”

  Her eyes open and she looks confused. “What? What door?”

  Taking her hand, I guide it to my hard cock. “The door to the room… We can be quick. You can climb up here…”

  She squeezes me and shakes her head. “No, it doesn’t lock and no I cannot. I work here… besides… the second I even tried, your drugs would kick in…”

  I mutter, “Well, now my dick is hard and I’m going to go into surgery with two blue balls because of you and come out with one and a limp, deflated sack! I need some drugs to make my dick calm down.”

  She mutters, “Dammit, Spradley. You did that, not me!”

  I say crossly, “No, you did. You’re too beautiful and you make me crazy. Just looking at you gets me going. Even today, you should be unattractive, but you’re not. You’re gorgeous and I’m about to lose a nut. You can do better than me… You’re going to want someone with two perfect walnuts instead of one raisin.”

  She shakes her head. “You’re talking complete nonsense, you know that?!” Her smile looks wobbly. “I think your meds are kicking in…”

  I’m in a tunnel… No, I’m in the Chocolate Factory… I see an Oompa Loompa. He’s waving at me with a giant blueberry. It’s bigger than he is… Oh my God… Run little Oompa Loompa, run.

  A dragon made out of chocolate is trying to eat your blueberry.

  What are you doing? No, don’t antagonize the dragon.

  Why are you gyrating against the blueberry?

  Cracking my eyes open, I squint at the bright lights. Everything looks hazy. I hear people talking. I recognize that voice. Turning my head, I see Maggie with her head bent down as she talks to Doctor Barkley. She’s pointing at something on the paper in his hand and he’s nodding at whatever she’s saying.

  She’s so pretty. No, she’s not pretty. She’s beautiful. She’s beautiful and she’s my girlfriend.

  That’s my girlfriend. Ha, look at my sexy girlfriend that might be pregnant. With a baby.

  I must make a sound because she looks over at me. When she sees me looking at them, she smiles and says something else to Doctor Barkley before walking over to me. As she leans over me, I stare at her face. “Hey. You’re awake. How are you feeling?”

  I blink. “You’re my girlfriend. You’re the hottest bitch up in here and you’re my girlfriend.”

  She blinks and then smirks. “Thanks. And yes, I am. Your girlfriend, I mean. You’re pretty sexy yourself.”

  I hear another voice and sort of recognize it but I don’t want to look away from Maggie to see who it is. But I hear them say, “Is he still out of it?”

  Maggie nods. “Yeah, pretty much.”

  I frown. “I’m not out of it. I’m right here. But do you know that an Oompa Loompa was teasing a dragon with a blueberry? I told him not to do that, but he ignored me. Stupid Oompa Loompa. He probably got ate.”

  Someone laughs.

  Maggie nods. “Really? Well, he should know better than to antagonize a dragon. Especially if the dragon was hungry.”

  I exclaim, “That’s what I said.”

  The other person in here says, “This shit is gold. I’m filming this.”

  You are a rude person. You can’t make movies in the Chocolate Factory.

  Why am I in the Chocolate Factory anyway?

  Maggie leans over me and smooths my hair back. “Why don’t you close your eyes and rest, Spradley? You’re still on meds and it’ll help if you close your eyes.”

  I smile at her again. “Don’t wanna. If I close my eyes, I can’t see you and you’re so beautiful. I used to dream that you were my girlfriend. I had a picture of you on my wall and I’d beat my meat to it while imagining me and you together. I made gallons and gallons of stuff. It was wasted.

  “Hey, we could have used it to make the baby!

  “I only have one nut now, but the doctor said that my dick would still work. And I can have sex in a few days. He said so.” I get excited and yell, “So, I can put a baby in you.”

  She looks around really quickly and says, “Spradley, shut up!”

  I suddenly have the need to sing. So, I do… “Apple bottom jeans, boots with the furs…”

  I stop and look at Maggie. “You have an apple bottom. It’s round and luscious and bounces. I love looking at it and it fills my hands so good. I like to slap and squeeze it when we try to make a baby.”

  Someone is cackling they’re laughing so hard.

  Squinting at her, I blurt out. “I love you. Did you know that? I do, I love you. Since we’re making a baby we should get married.” I nod. “Yes, that’s a good idea. I’m so smart. We need to get married so we can make a baby and then make more babies. Because my nuts are going to be ok. My one nut is going to be the baby maker. I’m young and violet… no, viral… shit… no vibrant. I have healthy sperm. What is the word for that?

  “My nut went bye bye bye but my dick is still here.”

  I’m suddenly alarmed. “It is here, right? The doctor didn’t cut off my dick, did he? Oh noooooo. He made me a woman. I can’t make babies with you if I’m a woman. Would that make you a lesbian?” I feel like I’m going to cry. “I don’t want you to be a lesbian. I want my dick back. Come back… fix it… make my dick come back…”

  Maggie is white faced and I hear a lot of commotion and laughing then it all goes black.

  Where am I?

  Ohhh that is some serious pressure.

  Why are my legs tingling?

  Chancing it, I open my eyes and see the white ceiling above me.

  Oh right, I’m in the hospital. I had surgery today.

  The lights are very dim in here and I slowly turn my head and see Maggie lying on the small couch in the room with her eyes closed. She appears to be sleeping. Jamison is in a chair in the corner, playing on his phone. He looks up and meets my gaze. Smiling, he stands and walks over to the bed. “Hey, you’re back with the living.” He glances at the couch and says quietly, “She fell asleep about twenty minutes ago.” He looks back at me and I can see the concern on his face. “So, how are you feeling?”

  Thinking about it, I take stock of my body. I still feel kind of floaty and my legs are ting
ling while my groin seems to have a lot of pressure, but other than that, I feel ok. I grimace. “I feel like my nut got cut out.”

  He chuckles. “Yeah, well that’s because it did.”

  It’s quiet for a minute and then he looks back at me. I can read his face. He wants to say something. “What? Whatever you’re wanting to say, just say it.”

  He sighs and then huskily laughs. “Ok, well do you remember anything from recovery?”

  Recovery?

  What recovery? What is he talking about?

  Wrinkling my forehead, I ask, “My recovery? Am I supposed to remember something?” He quickly looks at Maggie and then back at me. His eyes are twinkling. I freeze. “What? What happened? What did I do?”

  Without saying a word, he opens something on his phone and hands it to me. It’s a video. “Push play.”

  There’s a video of whatever I apparently did…

  Oh dear lord.

  I play it and as I watch, I become more and more horrified.

  Oh my God.

  Maggie is going to kill me. She’s going to leave me.

  What the hell did they give me?

  The video ends and Jamison is trying to hold in his laughter and failing miserably.

  I sputter, “What the fuck man? Oh my God. Why didn’t you punch me in the head or something?”

  He tries to talk and laughs again. Finally, he asks through his laughter, “Can I play that on the show?”

  I hear something and look toward the couch. Maggie is sitting there, staring at me, with her arms crossed over her chest and her face stern.

  Jamison grabs his phone and hastily says, “I think I need some coffee.” He bolts from the room.

  I glare after him and mutter, “You’re just going to fucking leave me in here to deal with this?!”

  Maggie stands and walks over to the bed while still staring at me. “So, you saw your performance…”

  I cough and blurt out, “I just had surgery… I have cancer.”

  She pinches her lips, “Oh trust me, everyone knows that you just had surgery… and that you’re trying to put a baby in me…”

  Ohhhh, shit…

  I’m fucked.

  I’m so dead.

  Can I cut my own wire?

  I don’t know what I’m supposed to say… So, I say the first thing that pops into my head, “That wasn’t me, Maggie. I was talking out of my head…”

  She glares harder. “Oh, I’m aware of that… Everyone in the freaking hospital is aware of that, Spradley. The hospital that I work at.”

  Well, that was the wrong thing to say…

  Her hands fly out and then slam on her hips as she looks at the window. She mutters. “Did you watch the entire video?”

  Yes, yes I did.

  Should I lie?

  Which part is she talking about now?

  She whirls back to me and her hands are clenching at her sides. “Did you watch the whole thing?”

  I nod. “I did. All of it… the part about whacking off to your photo, sorry about that. The part about putting a baby in you… the part about the doctor taking my dick instead of just my nuts…”

  She nods, “And…”

  Staring right at her, I nod. “And the part where I said I was in love with you and that we should get married.”

  Her eyes widen and she snaps. “And you think that’s ok?”

  Do I?

  Well, I said it.

  I mean I was drugged out of my mind, but the rest of what I said was true… Except for something about Oompa Loompa’s and dragons with a blueberry…

  I do love her and I do want to get married and have a baby.

  With her.

  Trying to sit up and failing, I slap the bed. “Can you help me get this thing upright? I’m not having this discussion while I’m flat on my back.”

  She punches a button and when I’m semi-sitting, she hands me the remote. “There.” Before she can move, I grab her hand. My fingers link with hers and I rub the back of her hand. Her breathing hitches and she looks at our hands. I do the same.

  Then, I look at her face, “Maggie? Look at me.”

  She does.

  “I think that it’s ok. Maybe the way it came about wasn’t so great, but I meant it. I love you and I think we should get married.”

  She gasps. “What?”

  Flopping back on the bed, I groan. “This is so not the way I ever imagined I’d tell you this. I’ve loved you since I first saw you. I hope you’re pregnant, but if you’re not, I hope I can get you that way. I’d also really love it if you’d agree to marry me since I’m proposing to you in a fucking hospital gown after having one of my nuts removed today. I don’t have a ring. I’ll get you one. Whatever you want. But it’ll have to wait a few days.

  Well, if you’ll marry me, that is. So, what do you say? Do you have any interest in being my personal nut cracker and busting my balls… well, ball, every day for the rest of our lives?”

  She looks at me incredulously and busts out laughing before leaning down to kiss me. When she leans back, she nods. “Yeah, you’re crazy as a loon, but apparently so am I. I love you, too, you idiot. And I’ll marry you.

  “Looks like I’ve officially cracked my own Nutts.”

  Epilogue

  Spradley

  Three years later

  “And the award for the top talk radio show in syndication goes to The Spanky Nutts Show for the sixth consecutive year. Spanky couldn’t be here with us today due to his second child with his wife being due any day now. His producer Jamison Gelliki will be accepting the award on behalf of the show.”

  The live video feed from the awards is playing on Maggie’s iPad as we head across Baton Rouge to get to the hospital. I’m listening with one ear as I pay attention to her breathing with the other. She says, “You won, baby. I knew you would…” Her breathing accelerates and she groans. “Another contraction…”

  Using the stop watch in the console, I hit the button and glance down at it as I drive with the other. “Two minutes, Mags. It won’t be long now.” Looking in the rearview mirror, I see our two year old, Tarah, kicking her feet in her little pink slippers as she hugs her baby doll. Her little red curls are framing her head and love just fills my heart. “How you doing baby girl? Maw Maw is going to meet us and you get to spend the night with her and Paw Paw, ok? Are you excited? Your baby brother will be here very soon.”

  My phone rings and I answer it through the speakers, “Hello.”

  Momma says, “Daddy said you won again. He just called me. Congrats, hun. I’m pulling into the hospital parking lot now. I’ll park by Labor and Delivery. How far away are y’all?”

  “Thanks. Of course I won, no one is better at it than me. Be there in like four minutes. Contractions are two minutes apart.”

  She chuckles. “So modest. How is Maggie doing?”

  Maggie answers, “I’m doing good. Just ready to push this baby out.”

  Momma laughs. “I know, now you’ll have three kids. Four if you count my son’s ego.”

  I snort. “I am not a kid. I am a highly respected, award winning talk radio host. And I beat cancer and created two beautiful kids with only one nut, I’ll have you know.”

  My angel starts singing in the backseat with her sweet voice. “Tooo kips one NUT. Tooo kips one NUT!”

  Maggie and Momma start laughing and I look to the back seat in alarm. Maggie laughs again, “See what you did?!”

  She moans again as I turn into the hospital. Pulling under the alcove for Labor and Delivery, I unload Maggie into the waiting wheelchair and hand her off to momma. “Get her checked in please. I’ll go park and then you can have Tarah and I’ll go up with Mags.”

  She nods and we park. Scooping Tarah into my arms, I snuggle her close and kiss her curls before racing back to the hospital.

  Momma is talking to a nurse and turns as I walk in. Mags is moaning again and the nurse says, “Get a move on Mr. Nutts. This baby is not waiting around for you.
” Kissing Tarah again, I dip her down so Mags can kiss her and then pass her off to my momma. “You staying or leaving?”

  She laughs. “Staying. The nurse thinks he’s coming any time now. We’re just going to hang out here for a bit.”

  Mags doubles over and moans, “Spradley Nutts, if you don’t carry your single nut over here right now, I swear to God, I’m going to go have this baby without you.” She looks up at the nurse before looking back at our daughter. “Momma loves you baby girl. We’ll see you in a little while and we’ll have your new brother.” Grabbing the chair, she screams. “Move…”

  Ten minutes later, Maggie is pushing on the bed and I’m cheering her on. There was no time for meds so she’s having a natural birth. Looking between her legs, I see his dark head. “He’s right there, baby. You’re doing so great. I can see him. His hair looks dark, like mine. One more push, baby.”

  She screams as she pushes, “If I could reach you, I’d punch you in your single nut! I know he’s close. He’s coming out of my vagina!” Our son slides out.

  She doesn’t mean it.

  The wonder of this moment will never get old.

  The doctor asks me if I want to cut the cord and I nod and take the scissors from him. They wrap the baby and hand him to me and I walk him up to his mother, my beautiful wife, and lay him on her chest and ask, “Is my nut safe?” She chuckles and nods as she kisses his head before looking up at me. “Yeah, that nut makes beautiful babies. Look at the perfect little human we created, Spradley.” Her eyes shine with love and pride.

  I smile and kiss her softly on the lips before running my finger down his dark hair and pressing a kiss to his downy patch of dark hair. “Hi there, lil man… you are perfect. Whoever would have imagined someone as imperfect as I am could have the love of a woman like your momma and help create such perfect little beings?”

  Maggie grabs my hand and presses a kiss to it while together we gaze at our second child and she says, “I imagined it. You’re perfect for me, Spradley Nutts.”