Dying to Love Her

by Tina Martin

  “I know. I was doing the same thing to you. When you packed your suitcase and went to the Bahamas, you almost gave your momma a stroke, girl.”

  I smile. That was a rough time between my mother and I, but we made it through.

  “I get it now, though,” mom continues. “It took me a long time, but I get it.”

  “I wish Andre would get it. He’s tries to prevent me from doing physical activities because he’s afraid I might hurt myself.” I shake my head. “He said I was boring.”

  With raised eyebrows, mom says, “He said you were boring?”

  “Yeah, and he’s right. I’m so content with doing just the normal things and being stuck to a normal routine...”

  “Okay, but Andre can’t say that you’re boring when he doesn’t want you to do anything.”

  “I know, but he did. And it almost came across as if he was saying he would be happier if he was with a woman who didn’t have my health issues,” I say feeling tears slide down my face. “I love him, mom, but I can’t stay with him if he’s not happy.”

  “Oh, honey,” mom says, walking from her recliner to the couch. She sits next to me. “It’ll be alright. You know Andre loves you. Maybe now when he sees how well you’re doing, he’ll realize that he’s been holding you back.”

  “I hope so.” I dab my eyes and pull in a deep breath.

  “Why don’t you just stay here tonight since you’re here already? Then you don’t have to wake up Andrew.”

  “Okay. That sounds like a good idea. As a matter of fact, if you give me a blanket, I can sleep right here. This has to be the most comfortable couch on the planet.”

  “More comfortable than your bed, Ava?”

  “Yes, right now. My bed is not comfortable without Andre. It’s difficult for me to sleep there without him.”

  “I know it is, dear.”

  I take a decorative pillow from the couch and squeeze it into my arms. “What if that’s my new normal, though, mom? What if Andre doesn’t want to come back for me?”

  “He will come back for you, Ava.”

  “Why are you so confident about it?”

  “Why are you not?” she questions. “Sweetheart, Andre was there suffering and in pain with the rest of us when we didn’t even think you would get a transplant in time. And, I never told you this, but back before you guys were married and he was angry at you for not telling him about Andrew, I went to see him.”

  “What do you mean you went to see him?”

  “I went to his office on your behalf to tell him that you were sorry and that you really loved him. And he looked me dead in the eyes and said, I’m in love with your daughter. And you know what, Ava? I knew he was telling the truth. You’re new to marriage...you both are, but the thing you need to realize is that married people are going to have problems no matter how much they love each other. That’s just the way it is.”

  I sigh. Sometimes, I wish love could just be enough in a marriage. But so many factors go into the merging of two lives together that it’s a wonder any marriage can be successful.

  “I know, mom. I know,” I say. “I just wish it was easier to deal with the problems instead of feeling horrible...feeling like the arguments are stronger than our love for each other...like they’re too much to handle.”

  “They can be if you let them. When problems arise, remember the good times, and most importantly, remember your son, Ava.”

  My son...

  More tears fall from my eyes when I think of Andrew. I wasn’t even supposed to have kids, but I had him, my little miracle baby, born strong and healthy like his father. Compared to Andrew, the most important person in my life, this nonsense between Andre and I is minor. And making our marriage work is not just about us – we have Andrew to consider in all of this. Ultimately, we have to do what’s right for him.

  Chapter 11

  Andre

  . ~ . ~ .

  ANDRE SAT ON his private plane, alone for the moment until his personal flight attendant brought him a glass of champagne. He took a sip then took out his cell, scrolling through the contact list for Ava’s doctor.

  Placing the phone next to his ear, he waited for a moment, then heard, “Mr. Rockwell, how goes it, sir?”

  “I’m doing well, Dr. Burke. How about yourself?”

  “I’m excellent. What can I do for you?”

  “Well, let me first apologize for calling you after hours.”

  “No need to apologize.”

  “Um...well, I was calling to ask you some questions about Ava.”

  “How’s Mrs. Ava...she was just here on Monday.”

  Andre sat straight up in his chair. Ava didn’t have a scheduled appointment with Dr. Burke on Monday, so why’d she go? “You saw her on Monday?” he asked.

  “Yes. She said you had some concerns about her starting an exercise routine and she wanted me to clear her.”

  “And did you?”

  “Sure did. As a matter of fact, she should’ve started an exercise routine months ago.”

  Andre sighed, realizing his mistake. “Yeah, that’s what she was trying to tell me, but I was so afraid of the physical activities being too much on her that I wouldn’t allow her to do any exercise.”

  “I can understand why you’re concerned, but she has to exercise her heart. Ava’s doing superb after the transplant and exercise is only going to make things better for her.”

  “What about travel? Can she fly?”

  “Sure can.”

  “So the pressure, ear-popping and altitude won’t bother her?”

  “Mr. Rockwell, let me assure you...the only way those things will bother her is if she just has a fear of flying. Her heart is fine.”

  “Gosh, it just seems like she’s in such a fragile state and that all of this is too much.”

  “It’s quite the opposite. Exercise, being active and resuming life as normal is most beneficial to the overall health of heart transplant patients. The heart is a muscle, and like any other muscle in our body, it will become stronger and healthier with a consistent routine of physical activity.”

  “And what about sex?”

  “Resuming sexual activity is also okay at around four weeks post-surgery.”

  “Really, because I haven’t touched her since we left the hospital.”

  “It’s fine. If she’s well enough to climb two flights of stairs, and from what I’ve seen she is, then sex won’t be a problem.”

  “You know I’m not ignorant to this. I’ve done my own research, Dr. Burke. It’s just that I’m so afraid of hurting Ava that I don’t want to believe those things won’t hurt her.”

  “Well, they won’t, but just as a precaution to her new exercise routine, I told her to come back next Monday so I could check her out again, although I’m confident she’s fine. Her recovery has been remarkable, one of the best I’ve seen.”

  Andre sighed. He’d told Ava she was boring but he was the reason she was that way. He prohibited her from doing anything he deemed too risky, his way of protecting her. But all he was doing was hurting her.

  “Well, thanks, Dr. Burke. I appreciate it.”

  “Anytime, Mr. Rockwell. By the way, how’s that handsome boy of yours?”

  A smile bloomed on Andre’s face. “He’s a handful.”

  “Sounds fine then.” Dr. Burke laughed.

  “Absolutely. Well, thanks again and enjoy the rest of your evening.”

  “You as well.”

  Andre slid his phone into the pocket of his shirt. He still had on the black Tom Ford suit he’d worn to work. He was so anxious to get home that changing into something more casual and comfortable hadn’t even crossed his mind. He needed to get home to Ava.

  Unable to relax, he took his phone from his pocket and dialed his mother-in-law and waited for an answer.

  “Hey, Andre.”

  “Hi, Maria...just calling to see how Ava and Andrew are doing.”

  “They’re doing just fine. Ava was here last night. She
and Andrew actually spent the night.”

  “Would you, by any chance, know where she is now?”

  “She went to the gym. I have Andrew with me.”

  Andre nodded. All he could think about was Ava being alone with Juan again. Todd had told him that Juan was looking too comfortable with Ava and even though he considered Juan a decent businessman, Ava was sweet enough to give any man a taste for sugar. That’s the very reason why he fell in love with her. She was carefree, innocent and playful. She had a sensual pair of plump lips that made him want to taste them, even now, and eyes that could draw a person in.

  And then there could have been the possibility that she was lonely. What if all the new attention she was receiving from Juan had her wanting to spend even more time with him?

  * * *

  After landing, he drove straight to Juan’s gym and saw him walking out with a woman, but was it Ava? From afar, it looked like her, judging by her physique, but this woman’s hair was brown and hanging loose – not black and gathered up into a messy ponytail like Ava usually wore her hair.

  Not sure if it was her, Andre waited a while, hoping the woman would eventually turn in his direction. He sat up tall in anticipation and then, like seeing an apparition, her face was in his vision. It was Ava, but she looked so different, he hardly recognized his own wife. When did she dye her hair? He watched on as Ava shook Juan’s hand. Even that small contact brought a frown to his face. Made knots tighten in his torso.

  Ava got in her car, drove away and Andre followed her. She’d made two rights and a left. Then after driving for six more miles, she turned into the parking lot of a restaurant. She sat in the car for a few minutes before she got out, walking in and sitting at a booth. Alone. From where she sat, Andre could see her from his car. She had said something to the waitress then rested her head against a fist.

  Why are you sitting there alone, Ava?

  It baffled him that she would go and have dinner alone like this. Or maybe she was meeting someone. If she was meeting someone, who? Sasha? He decided to wait a while longer and watch her.

  After twenty or so minutes passed, he got out of his car, took his suit jacket from the back seat, slid it on and made a beeline for the restaurant entrance.

  Like a confident hunter, he sought her out, making eye contact with no one else. Even when the maître d' asked him if he’d had a reservation, he quickly said no and kept walking, his vision locked on his woman. He watched her slice a steak and when she went to her mouth with the fork, her vision collided with his.

  She laid her fork in the plate while a small disturbance appeared in her forehead. She was shocked to see him. She hadn’t expected to see him until Friday, but he was here now, looking dapper. Handsome.

  Andre took a seat across from her, inviting himself to her booth. To her dinner. For the moment, he was becoming acquainted with her new look. She was beautiful before, but something about the dark copper tone of her hair made her skin glow. And she wore makeup. She hadn’t worn makeup in a long time, not that she needed to, but he was impressed that she made the effort.

  “Hi, Ava.”

  She didn’t respond. She looked more shocked than surprised.

  That didn’t bother Andre, though, because it gave him even more time to silently enjoy being in her presence.

  Chapter 12

  Ava

  . ~ . ~ .

  AS I WATCH him sit tall across from me, I feel a wave of emotions, the first being love. Even though he said some awful things to me, I love him. Along with Andrew, love is the other thing we share in common – a constant for us. I know he loves me, too. That doesn’t mean that I forgot what he said to me because I also feel anger. Strangely enough, it’s not anger towards him. It’s just anger – I’m upset, I guess with myself, for not being the woman he needs. The woman he wants.

  When he speaks to me, I can only stare. His voice is as smooth as his caramel complexion, but I can’t bring myself to greet him. Not yet. Too many thoughts are running through my head, like what is he doing here? He’s supposed to be in Charlotte all week. It’s Wednesday night and he’s already back home. And how did he know to find me here? And why is he staring at me like he could jump across the table and attack my lips. He hasn’t looked at me with such passion and fire in his eyes in so long, I was convinced that he was no longer attracted to me.

  “Hi, Ava,” he says again.

  I stare at his lips and the features of his chiseled face that makes him so breathtakingly handsome. The bristly hair on his chin is trimmed perfectly and his bright eyes – those beautiful, hazel eyes are enchanting, drawing me into his spell.

  I break our gazes to take a sip of water. I have to say something to him, because I don’t think I can tolerate him telling me ‘hi’ for a third time. So picking up my fork and stuffing a chunk of steak in my mouth, I say, “What are you doing here, Andre?” while looking down at my plate.

  “I live here, Ava.”

  I look up at him, thinking that his sarcasm is not a nice touch given the present state of our relationship. Refusing to feed into his remark, I say, “You’re supposed to be in Charlotte this week.”

  He interlocks his hands together while his arms are resting on the table. “I finished up early so I came back here to spend time with my family.”

  You actually want to spend time with me? That’s what I wanted to say. Instead, I slice off another piece of steak, holding my feelings inside.

  “You changed your hair,” he comments.

  I simply nod while I’m chewing.

  “It looks nice. I like it.”

  “Thanks.”

  He smiles. “I almost didn’t recognize you.”

  “Yeah, because I looked so awful before, right?”

  He frowns. “That’s not what I was implying at all, Ava. I simply didn’t expect that I would leave for a business trip then return home to find that you’ve dyed your hair. That’s all.”

  I’m not in the mood for a conversation, especially with the man who told me that he had to put his life on hold for me. Why come back early to put your life back on hold? “I’m surprised you came back at all, given the fact that you have to put your life on hold for me.”

  “Look, Ava...I know I said some things to you that I can’t take back.”

  I take a sip of water, refusing to make eye contact with him. All I want to do is enjoy my dinner.

  “Ava, are you listening to me?”

  I sigh. “Why do you have to do this now, Andre? I came here to eat dinner...not listen to you apologize for being a complete jerk to me.”

  “Then would you rather me sit here quietly until you’re done with your meal?”

  “No. I’d rather you leave.”

  “Well, that’s not going to happen, sweetheart, so I’ll sit here until you’re done.”

  I close my eyes and shake my head. Then I take a knife and cut another piece of steak, bringing it to my mouth.

  Andre stares. He’s looking at me so intently, I feel like I’m on stage in front of a thousand people, eating a steak, but it’s just him. So why am I nervous? Ugh. I can’t eat while he watches me like this. I’d much rather just starve myself. And I’m seriously contemplating snatching my purse and leaving him sitting there alone, but before my thoughts could become actions, I hear him say, “I love you, Ava.”

  It takes all the strength I can muster to keep from crying. I know he’s being truthful, but that still doesn’t dismiss the things he said to me. So I respond, “You love me, but you’re tired of putting your life on hold for me.”

  “Ava—”

  “And you know what, Andre? I don’t want you to put your life on hold for me. I want you to do all the things you want to do, and if that’s without me, then...” my lips tremble as I feel tears roll down my face. I don’t completely fall apart, wail or cause scene. I simply cry. I take a white napkin, dab the corners of my eyes and meet his gaze. “We don’t have to be together to raise our son.”

  His
eyes are glassy. He looks like he’ll cry, but he doesn’t.

  “You’re right. We don’t have to be, but I want to be because I love you and I love Andrew.”

  “But you’re not happy,” I say throaty. “Why be with me if you’re not happy?”

  “I’m not happy without you, Ava. My issues within our marriage are fixable. Whatever is wrong with us can be repaired. What’s not tolerable is the thought that we aren’t going to be together. That’ll never happen.”

  Unconvinced, I shake my head. “You were angry. You yelled at me. You never yell at me but that day you did. That’s how I know you meant what you said.”

  Andre reached across the table and clutched my hand in his. “I did, Ava. I shouldn’t have, but I did. But like I just said, my issues with you are fixable. We can fix it. As a matter of fact, I realize now that most of my problems with you centers around my own fear of hurting you. I have to work on that, and I will. I already realize that I can’t hold on to you so tightly that I prevent you from living your life and experiencing new things with me. I’m working on that, baby. It’s not going to be easy but I’m trying...you know why?”

  I dab my eyes again while staring at him.

  “Let me tell you why...because I’m your husband. Loving you is my number one priority but second, behind that, is protecting you. I always want to make sure you’re okay, always want to put your needs ahead of my own.”

  “But I don’t want you to do that. I want us to equally care for each other’s needs, Andre. And why do you think that I don’t appreciate you? I probably wouldn’t be alive right now if you didn’t fight so hard for me. I appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me. Everything.”

  “I know.”

  “Then why did you say that?”

  “I was in a bad place at the time, Ava, but I know you appreciate me.”

  I take a moment to dry my eyes and now I can see the worry and concern in the depths of his. Andre is a distinguished, intelligent man. He has a poker face out of this world. Said he had to have it, being the C.E.O. of a multi-million dollar company that he started from the ground up. So at times, it’s hard for me to read him. Now is not one of those times.