Doing The Apocalypse Shuffle: Southern Prepper Adventure Fiction of Survival Grid Down (Old Preppers Die Hard Book 2)

by Ron Foster

  Charlie motioned them to have a seat at the picnic table that sat next to a now defunct ice house like shed containing the machine with a bill board on its side showing a map of the campground and started to fill them in on what they had missed since they had been gone.

  “Well, I guess it was about 1:30 or so and I was halfway expecting to see you all returning and was looking out up the road or I would have missed them. I saw this big black dualie truck easing up the road all slow and quiet like.” Charlie said pausing for effect as everyone looked back in the direction of the main gate for confirmation that it wasn’t happening again.

  “They were definitely scoping the place out and being very cautious just like you thought they would, Farley, but me and Fong saw them first and started that little deceptive ruse we talked about. I came out of the office and got in my truck, started it up, pulled next to the door at the gate shack, said a few words and Fong climbed up on a chair and pointed his arm out the door in that camouflage shirt you lent him and waved me on through.” Charlie said chuckling.

  “All any one from that truck could see was just an arm in uniform doing the cadence of a ‘pass through move the vehicle along’ signal and then I went to meet them at the gate with an ugly ‘I don’t like you. I don’t like any civilians’ look on my face before getting all professional and nice with them.” Charlie said his eyes sparkling with mirth before excusing himself to Becky and whispering to Farley that “he was right and that even though he was so nervous he felt like he was going to cough up his own asshole because he was so nervous about approaching that truck, he just went into his normal military manner and training and got a grip on himself and that he scared them more than they scared him.

  Charlie said he got out of his vehicle at the gate just like he did with us and acted liked he owned the base and every soldier guarding it and how dare these people take up his valuable time trying to trespass upon his and the well posted federal governments’ facility.

  The government and Charlie’s years of military experience as a top ranking non-commissioned officer made it a walk in the park for him to berate, as well as be nice,. to those men that seemed to have no military experience at all but did have the traditional southern respect for the services and elders in general.

  Charlie said they were quite apologetic about getting him out in the hot sun today to talk to them when they didn’t belong here and that they were fixing to turn around right when they saw his truck and waited on his further instructions.

  Charlie said he told them no harm done but it was best if they didn’t come back and to be careful about hunting and fishing too close to this military preserve. Charlie said he then also asked them directly if they were the two fisherman that had confronted his boy and his friend at the fishing pier this morning and Charlie said after a bit of hemming and hawing they admitted it was them but they hadn’t thought they were trespassing or upsetting the boys any.

  He went on to further elaborate that he didn’t have any problem with them personally and besides on a good day the lake was supposed to be for the fun of all and that the Air Force and him in particular recognized this fact, but it was kind of like taboo now to be getting too close to military facilities, what with the terrorists and the grid going down and everything, everyone was kind of on edge.

  Farley and crew had all been wearing themselves great big shit-eating grins throughout the new “base governors” statements of the occurrences around here since they had been gone but the next round of questions and answers had them chuckling uncontrollably.

  “Now you all quit making me laugh, I got more story to tell and it gets better!” Charlie said as the giggling and the outright outrageous laughter ensued seeing Fong riding an old three wheeler that probably came off the flight line at an Air base somewhere crest the hill with his mad momma in a golf cart passing him by to be the first to arrive.

  “Charlie, you should have put Miss Feng on sentry duty at this gate, I doubt anybody could have passed her by!” Becky said observing the golf cart and hearing a growing volume of static Asiatic expletives being voiced that seemed to get even louder and as she got closer and evidently she didn’t care if she were understood or not by anyone present.

  Becky waved at the feisty diminutive lady and was rewarded with a smile that assured her and the rest of the people that she was mostly happy fussing and not particularly mad about any one thing. She didn’t have Farley in her sights for taking longer to get back than he said it would take though.

  “You bad man, Farley! No good, number 10, Farley, bad man where you been all day? Red necks come here today you no show?” You been gone way long time!” She gibbered as Farley tried to get his mind to translate what she said in Pidgin English as well as look at Fong or Charlie for translation or support.

  “Where you been? What you do? You say you supposed be back early?” Feng said in a rush to get her new girlfriend in agreement with her against the men in a confidential way that left no doubt that in her mind all men needed supervision and any woman speaking any language had to know better than us.

  The statement tickled Becky almost as much as the assembled men folks who bit their tongues and just let her vent. Miss Feng dismounted her golf cart chariot and grinned at the assembly to consider the friendship they shared and their love for her and her outrageousness was apparent.

  “Hug your sweetie, Wu, and get her calmed down. We are all gathered in one place now and this day is ending up not so bad at all. We got guns and ammo now thanks to our efforts or me being a good trader if I feel like crowing a bit and you fended off a threat quite handily, I must say. Talk more on that one, please.” Farley said studying a happy Fong headed his way ringing a cheesy tin bell attached to the handle bars on the trike but it seemed almost as loud as Miss Feng’s jabbering to announce his arrival.

  “Today is going to be our little thanksgiving celebration for arriving safely and working on plans for committing to surviving together, tomorrow the work of doing that task begins, well not quite yet, let me weld that damn gate permanently shut first and then we will set about having fun.” Farley declared.

  “I am actually looking forward to all that work, Farley. Just getting by day to day waiting on the next meal watching the rations dwindling is pretty worrisome as well as boring. It will be nice to have some positive projects going on to focus my time and energy on. What kind of project do you suggest we start on first?” Charlie asked, anticipating the many things Farley said they needed to be doing that were necessary.

  Author Note: Try to have yourself at least two or more plans or projects going at all times. That way you have things to think on regardless of weather, materials shortage, or whatever other variables may come up, you will be able to keep yourself occupied. This also helps to prevent disappointment and keeps your spirits up. This is very important in the wilderness or a bug out situation to keep your mind and senses right.

  “Great question, Charlie. Where to start indeed, my friend, I have been pondering on that very subject myself some. Becky suggested we do some physical exercises in the morning but I never liked doing PT much and we are going to get plenty of exercise tomorrow already so we are shelving that idea for now. I say we start a 2 hour class on lake survival: you listen, and I talk and walk and point out or show you things I want you to know about on the way. How’s that sound? Assembly will be at my place at 6 am tomorrow, then we all assemble ourselves the next day at your place, then Becky’s and so on.” Farley said working out in his mind what was most important to start on.

  Survival and safety was at the top of his list as well as familiarizing himself and his charges with the territory. Good old “stay out of the trouble” advice or watch out over here is one of the best survival lessons one can learn- Stay out of the trouble, practice avoiding it. Life is very real and it is easy to forget how brutal “real life” or nature can be. With real life, I mean life without our civilized society to patch you up or just life without all the support a
nd help we take for granted.

  When you have to deal with young people or inexperienced people in general and there are. criminal elements or gangs fighting around you, then it is the perfect combination for some people to act like fools.

  “Wow, I feel like I am back in the military!” Charlie said with a grin at having to get up and meet at that early hour.

  “Yea, it’s a little early to start stirring around fully but we all go to bed early so it’s not a big deal. You will get used to it. Besides we are going to be doing it at 5 am or sooner in the coming weeks, fishing or hunting. You got to see what’s going on during these hours, get with the rhythm of the land and nature. That’s why I want to move the meeting area around every other day, gives everyone a chance to spend a bit of alone time coming and going to observe or reflect on things for themselves. You will also be able to notice if any game is moving around or acting differently. It’s a pretty good distance to walk between camps and doing it at dawn will teach you a lot.” Farley stated.

  Before you can be successful at harvesting wild game, you have to do some pre-work. The first thing you need to know or figure out is what kind of animals are in your area. Then you need to learn their habits, habitats, breeding cycles, and choices of food. What do the tracks look like, how do they react to various weather patterns, are they a prey species for another animal?

  Generally speaking, small game animals are most active in the early morning and early evening. They are usually very wary of being spotted by predators and tend to cling to areas of dense vegetation and cover. Not so much at this resort, though. A lot of these critters had been imprinted one way or another by the constant presence of man. The animals still naturally travel along the edges of open ground however, using fencerows and waterways as a corridor. They are predictable and habitual; keep in mind, that trait is just like us. Try to break up your patterns of movement. The animals as well as people tend to travel the same trails and will usually choose the path of least resistance. All of these traits can be exploited to put meat in your cook pot.

  “I always get up early so no problem for me.” Feng said looking at Fong who was definitely not a morning person no matter how much sleep he had gotten.

  “Oh, I will be up, are we having breakfast in the morning, Auntie?” Fong asked hoping he wasn’t going to have to be up even earlier than anticipated.

  “I suggest you skip it but if you all got the food and want it, go right on ahead but be on time. I am just going to grab myself some coffee and eat an early lunch. Hopefully, I can show you some greens in the form of wild edibles to forage on as we wander the trails. You can try them out later for yourselves and start adding to your diet by foraging all these little fields we have between us. The longer we can stretch our food out and get our bellies to accept, expect and want wild foods to eat, the better off we will be here. I know we will have leftovers from that little bit of a wanton party we are throwing but try some dandelion greens or something anyway. Got to take the bad with the good and you will have less of a hard time forcing yourself to be rationing the good.” Farley chuckled.

  “So you saying some of those plants you are going to show us don’t taste so good?” Becky asked questionably.

  “Well, let’s just say some of them take an acquired taste. I am not big on anything but iceberg lettuce salads so your taste and mine will be different. They all have their flavors from mild to wild and taste better than plain old grass, you might say. I have several ways to cook them but they are best just dumping dried herbs or a sauce on them to my tastes.” Farley declared not even considering a vegetarian diet be it one cultivated in the modern world or wild. He wanted meat; everything else to him was secondary.

  For the most part he knew that plants are low in calories. They excel at supplying trace minerals and vitamins, but lack the cellular structure to provide you the energy-rich food you need in a survival situation. That energy comes from animal products in the form of protein and fat.

  6

  The Utility Shed

  “Hey Charlie, let’s go look at that maintenance shed you said that you didn’t have a key for.” Farley said thinking that there should be all the gardening tools they needed in there to add digging up a garden place to his projects for the next few days.

  “Sure, I will show it to you but it’s going to be a pain to get in. That thing has got a heavy steel door and deadbolt security lock on it. It isn’t like you can beat the padlock off it easily like you did the gate.” Charlie said envisioning how much trouble they were going to have with it even if they did have an axe to think about using.

  “I have a little something put away to help us with that chore that you probably never have heard of. Hopefully we are going to get in there like magic!” Farley said with a grin.

  Charlie looked at him skeptically and asked, “Ok, Mr. Magician, how you going to pull this off? You got a chainsaw that will cut steel or something?”

  “No, I am not talking about anything so destructive as that. What I got in my bag of tricks is a set of what you call “Bump Keys”. Think of them sort of like master keys or skeleton keys. If I have one that will fit the pattern of whoever manufactured that lock, and I think I do because commercial industrial locks are quite common, eventually I am sure I can get in. I say eventually because I know how to use them in theory but I have never practiced or played with them except on a house door.” Farley said.

  “What is there to practice if they are master keys? I have a master key to those cabins and it works like a regular key.” Charlie inquired.

  “Well, it’s not quite the same; what you actually have is a pass key for a certain set of locks keyed similarly. A bump key is made to get into locks by the same manufacturer that can be keyed differently. They call them bump keys because you give the key a little rap or a bump with something like the rubber handle on a screwdriver while you are trying to turn it. It takes a little bit of a feel for it, like lock picking, but this is faster and easier. I can easily get into those cabins Kwikset locks, by the way, in about a minute.” Farley declared.

  “Farley, were you some kind of a burglar before the grid went down?” Charlie said eyeing him.

  Farley laughed and assured him that no, it was a skill and some tools he had picked up to add to his preps just in case a need or an emergency like this arose. He also said he had one of those sillcock keys to open up the fire hydrant like water spigots you see on lots of commercial buildings and apartments. They were just an unusual something he had added to his bag of tricks to help him overcome a need he had anticipated.

  “Pretty slick, Farley. Well, come on, let’s go try our hand then at safe cracking.” Charlie laughed and they went by Farley’s cabin, got the keys and proceeded to the maintenance shed on the far side of the property.

  “Schalage, oh hell yea, I got one of those manufacturers keys.” Farley said searching his key ring for it after looking at the locks manufacturer codes stamped on them.

  Farley jiggled and fiddled with the lock tapping the key while trying to turn it when finally, after about 5 or 10 minutes, he cried “Eureka” as the mechanism gave and the lock opened.

  “Good deal, Farley! Let’s go see what we got!” Charlie said as an exuberant Farley opened the door.

  When their eyes adjusted to the dim interior of the building, which was only illuminated from the light from the door as they entered, they saw two big tractors with bush hogs on the back and a couple smaller lawn tractors.

  “Let me get this garage door open so we can see better.” Charlie said and set about doing so.

  “That’s a lot better, looks like we just got ourselves pretty damn wealthy. Hey, they got the keys in this one.” Farley said examining a big tractor.

  “I am really glad for that, I didn’t know where they kept the keys at. Hey, this one has its keys in it also.” Charlie said going over and looking at the other tractor.

  “Way cool, I got a set of operator keys for bull dozers and backhoes and such
but I never got around to buying me any tractor keys. I guess I should have bought me some but I could never decide on what models to look for and money was always tight.” Farley said.

  “With the amount of stuff you brought with you and managed to somehow accumulate, I suspect you made quite a lot of investments. I had heard of preppers before but I never met one until you come around, don’t sound like such a bad idea now. I wish I had of stored some stuff for emergencies. I always thought preppers were kind of “out there”, if you know what I mean. Do you have gas masks and stuff like them doomsday preppers on Natgeo?” Charlie asked.

  “No, the need for a mask was not a risk I felt like I needed to prepare for. We both have worn them damn things, they are hotter than hell and unless you are just wearing them during a tear gas drill or some other short period they are not very practical.” Farley declared.

  “Well, there’s a lot of lawn gear in here, there’s shovels and rakes over there. We got some mechanic tools, oil, a few chainsaws, hey now, we got some more gas cans!” Charlie exclaimed.