Waiting for Grace

by Oakes, Hayley

  “Right.” Robert took a deep breath. “I think you should sit down.”

  “Why?” She gulped her wine. “If it’s bad news I’m not going to fall to the floor like some 19th century wench. I’ll take whatever you’re going to throw at me, Robert. So get a fucking move on.”

  “Okay, well, Grace …”

  “Grace,” she scoffed.

  “Grace,” he started again, “was my girlfriend from home, from when we were teenagers.” He watched Cecily for a reaction.

  “What?” Cecily asked. Outwardly she was calm, but inside her head the alarm bells were ringing. She knew this story and she knew Robert had still been a mess about this very girl when she met him. Shit. This was going to be a tough competition. “The girl who broke your heart into a million pieces and left you a decrepit wreck for me to rescue? Oh, just great, Robert. I can see why you thought running around with her behind my back was a great idea.”

  “Look, Cecily. I haven’t done anything wrong. Yes, I should have told you.”

  “Damn straight you should,” she said, taking a gulp of wine.

  “Nothing has happened at all, but I was at her house because there is something a little more complicated about the whole thing.”

  “Oh really, well do spit it out, Robert, as I’m all kinds of pissed off right now. So fuel the fire why don’t you!”

  “She has a daughter who is six. She’s mine,” he blurted out.

  Cecily almost choked on another chug of wine. “You must be fucking joking me. Oh shit, Robert. I won’t be a stepmother. How do you know she’s yours? Have you had a DNA test? Of course not, you’re so gullible.”

  “There is no getting away from it Cecily. She’s mine. I can tell by looking at her. Grace wouldn’t lie about this.”

  “Oh yes, she sounds just perfect. Of course Mother Theresa wouldn’t lie.”

  “Cecily, we need to find a way to deal with this.”

  This sounded promising. Cecily was gearing up to fight for him, but he was including her in his plans, finally.

  “Robert, I shouldn’t be finding this out now after following you to her house!” she spat.

  “I know, and for that, I’m sorry. Cecily you need to think if you can handle this as you are going to be a step-mother, and I will be having Devon and Grace in my life.”

  “Devon! Oh Jesus, so original.” She rolled her eyes.

  “Stop being a child, Cecily. I think you need time to process this. To be honest, I know I’ve gone about things the wrong way, but Devon and Grace have done nothing wrong. It’s me who’s been a prick, so stop taking it out on them.”

  “Oh, go fuck yourself, Robert. You land a surprise ex and a kid on my lap and expect me to be all ‘ooo show me some pictures.’ Get a grip. You’re damn right I need to think about this because I’m not sure this is what I had in mind for my future. A step-child and an ex that will never leave?”

  “Okay,” he said as he held his hands up. “You’re right, this is a shock, and I’m not being fair, but,” he moved to her and took her in his arms, “you’re such a little fighter, it’s hard not to be defensive when you shout at me.”

  “I sure am a fighter,” Cecily said, allowing Robert to hold her. “And I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. So we’ll see how we get on and you’ll include me in everything from now on?” She looked up to him sweetly and smiled to cover her fears. Shouting at him and making him feel insecure was her usual technique to keep him in line, but tonight she was worried it wasn’t working.

  “Of course,” Robert said, kissing her head, thinking that he would only include her when he had to. First thing tomorrow he wanted to make things right with Grace. He wanted to make it right with her right now and not have to pander to Cecily’s whim, but he owed Cecily and she wasn’t a bad person. Shit, this was one huge mess and how the hell was he going to sort it out?

  Grace

  Grace, I think we need to talk.

  The text came the following morning just as I woke up around 7 am. I had managed to forget the night before in my dreams, but today it was real again. Robert had a fiancée. She came to our home. She was absolutely livid, and I hadn’t heard anything from him since I left them in the foyer of our building. I had no words and wasn’t sure what to respond. Robert was right; we did need to talk, as this didn’t change anything. He was still Devon’s dad, and now he was in her life. She would want to see him and vice versa. I had spent the evening running over the event with Maria and felt increasingly foolish.

  Robert didn’t once try to kiss me or tell me he cared for me or even ask me out on a date. I had felt something seeing him, and a lot of it was memories he had ignited. Seeing someone you used to love will always do that to you. He didn’t tell me he was engaged, but did he have to? I would have told him, but then he must have considered it not to be important.

  I jumped into the shower and went to wake the kids as Maria ran into the bathroom. When I went back into my room twenty minutes later to dress, I glanced at the phone again and there was another text.

  I’m sorry, I’ve fucked everything up, please let’s just talk.

  God he was being dramatic. Of course I was shocked and upset, but only because he was my ex, my one true love, and the thought of him with anyone would drive me mad. Now I had had some time. I was sure I could handle it, and after all, how could I expect him to still be single? I grabbed the phone.

  No explanation necessary, I’m glad you have found someone but I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t tell me for whatever reason. This changes nothing, you are still Devon’s dad and I hope you still want to be a part of her life.

  I set the phone down and dressed, and then another message beeped through.

  Of course I want to be a part of her life, that goes without saying but I do owe you an explanation as this isn’t just about Devon and you know it. When can we meet?

  I re-read the message and my heart began to beat rapidly and my stomach flipped. What did he mean? God, what was I getting myself into?

  Will your fiancée be OK with that? I asked, sarcastically.

  Right at this moment Grace I don’t care.

  ***

  I took my break at 3. Robert met me outside. I didn’t want everyone at work talking again, and I was sure by my mood today they could tell that I wasn’t happy.

  “Can you just walk out of work whenever you want?” I asked, as I saw him leaning against the wall when I met him outside. He smirked.

  “I work long hours and have lots of meetings. This sort of thing is easy to lose in the noise.”

  “Oh,” I said and we began to walk.

  “Coffee and a cake?” he asked.

  “Coffee,” I said. “No cake.”

  He agreed.

  We found a nearby café and sat in the window. I ordered a cappuccino, and Robert ordered a skinny Latte and a chocolate muffin, which seemed a bit of an oxymoron.

  “Grace,” he began as we both nursed our drinks.

  “Robert, let me say you owe me nothing, okay? I don’t expect anything to happen between us, and I’m glad you have found someone that you are happy with because we both deserve a happy ever after.” He looked at me when I finished and I could see the hurt in his eyes.

  “Grace, I know nothing had happened between us, but I didn’t tell you for a reason.”

  “Oh?” I asked.

  “Because,” he took a deep breath, “because when I saw you two weeks ago it fulfilled every fantasy that I had ever had over the last seven years of seeing you again. You took my breath away, and the way you looked at me I know you felt it, too. Jesus, Grace. All these years I’ve felt your loss like a death in my family and to see you again, it made me feel alive.”

  My heart was racing and I couldn’t believe my ears. Was he saying he still loved me?

  “It made you feel seventeen,” I sighed. “You’re just remembering the way we used to feel and it’s making you feel like we did then and it’s exciting.”

  “Gra
ce, it isn’t that, I’m sure of it. I love my fiancée, I do.”

  I felt my heart stop as he admitted that to me, and then I remembered why we were here.

  “If you love her, Robert, then you have a funny way of showing it, because you are disrespecting her by even telling me all this shit. I never thought you were like this, God.”

  “Don’t do that Grace. I know, okay. I know how awful this is to her, but don’t pretend this is someone in the office that I fancy. This is us for God’s sake.”

  “So? We were over years ago.”

  “So you feel nothing for me?” he asked. I looked down. “Grace?” he asked.

  “Of course I feel something for you. I loved you the day you left, and I loved you when you were gone, and I grieved for everything I had lost when you went home. I didn’t just lose you. I lost my adopted family and the one person in this world who loved me. You had them all to go back to.” I sighed and he took my hand, I pushed him away. “Robert, I’ve seen you every day in our little girl for the past six years. I’ve never been able to forget you, but what’s your excuse?”

  “Grace, you never did get it? You were my everything. As soon as that train reached home I jumped off and broke down to my mum over what had happened. I made her drive me straight back to London to get you. I should never have left you alone and I kept calling you but your phone was off. We stayed two days and searched, but you just vanished. I came down south for uni just to be near where you were, and I’ve been looking ever since.”

  He took my breath away and I could see in his eyes that he was sincere.

  “Robert, you have a fiancée, so what exactly are you telling me today?” I asked.

  I was struggling to process the lengths he had gone to. If he had come back for me and I’d have seen him, I would have jumped at the chance to go home with him even though it wasn’t what I wanted. I had missed him so much those first few months. I had to train my body not to pine for him, but he left me. He left me thinking that I was the last thing on his mind.

  “I’m telling you that I still love you, and you need to give me some time to sort this all out.”

  His words made my heart ache. How could he expect to tell me this whilst engaged to someone else? He was disrespecting both of us and behaving like a complete arse.

  I shook my head. “How can you sit here and say that when there is a woman somewhere that you have promised to marry? I’m sorry, Robert, but I do love you, the old you, the man who would never have done this to someone he loves. I’ll never keep you from Devon, but there is no way I’m going to sit here and say I love you and that you can make a choice. There is no choice. You’ve moved on and we both should. It’s healthier.”

  “Grace, I haven’t been able to move on for seven years. What should I have done? Stayed single until I bumped into you whenever that may have been?”

  “No, Robert, you shouldn’t have settled for someone who you could betray like this.”

  “Ouch,” he said, his blue eyes searching mine. “Grace, I can’t just dump Cecily like this. We have history, too.”

  “I don’t want you to Robert, didn’t you hear me? There’s no choice to make. You should stand by the commitment you’ve made and you need to stop dwelling on the past.”

  It broke my heart to say it but this wasn’t my Robert, a man who could behave this way, planning a back up for when he dumps his fiancée. This wasn’t what I wanted.

  “I’m not sure I can do that and I’m not even sure I want to try.”

  I shook my head. “Robert, I don’t want to hear any of this again, okay? I can’t deal with it.” I felt emotion weigh me down as I accepted what would be.

  “Grace, please, I don’t want you to rule us out. I’m not sure I can deal with that.”

  “It’s you ruling us out, Robert, by behaving like a prick. Get your head sorted and text me about seeing Devon later in the week.”

  I stood up to leave and grabbed my coat. He jumped up as I walked past and grabbed me into a hug. I could feel his body hard against me and his familiar smell surrounded me.

  “This didn’t go well,” he whispered. “I can’t bear it if you hate me.”

  “I don’t hate you,” I said, trying to speak, but it came out as a whisper. “But we had our chance and we screwed it up. Please let’s just be there for Devon.”

  “I love you, Grace,” he sighed.

  I pulled away from him and looked into his eyes. “You never could say it,” he said with a sad smile and my eyes filled with tears. “If only we could jump in the car and drive away again, you, me and Devon, just run away.” I smiled at the memory.

  “Bye, Robert.”

  “I’ll text you,” he said as I left.

  Thirteen

  Seven and a half Years Earlier

  Christmas had never been a big thing in our house. Mum didn’t get a tree as Christmas made her depressed. She had made some inane attempts when I was smaller with fibre optic trees and the like, but the past few years we hadn’t even decorated. Mrs Jones always made mince pies and other Christmas treats and invited me inside. Of course I had Jane and Rachel, whose houses I would visit on the run up to Christmas, and so I knew what family Christmases were about. I just didn’t have a family. It didn’t depress me. I wasn’t upset about it because this was my life. I got money from my mum at Christmas rather than presents and that was so much better in my eyes. I could get whatever I wanted. She never attempted Christmas dinner because she was usually drunk by lunch, but we sat and had a meal and watched television together until she passed out.

  It wasn’t terrible, but I didn’t look forward to it like everyone else, until I met Robert. Our first Christmas we spent together he was just like a five-year-old. He was constantly counting down the days and planning what we would do. There were so many Banford family parties with cousins, aunties, uncles and grandparents, all the relations that I had never had. It was tiring to think of it. Robert insisted that mum and I decorate the house, even coaxing her into the Christmas spirit and indulging her stories of my dad playing Father Christmas for Jamie and me.

  Mum directed Robert and I to where all the old Cooper Christmas decorations were from times gone by. Our house had a walk up attic with a creaky wooden staircase that led to a boarded room full of clutter.

  “They’re up there all right,” she sighed. “I remember Jeff putting them up, laughing that he needed to clear out the junk.” Her eyes glazed over again, and I rolled my eyes to Robert.

  “Are you sure we need to bother?” I whined. “She’ll only get worse when she sees them all.”

  “You two need some healing and this sort of stuff is where it starts,” he said cheerily, I groaned.

  “Are you a psychiatrist now?” I smiled.

  “No, just always right.” He threw his arm around me and we made our way upstairs to investigate.

  At the bottom of the old wooden stairs I was hesitant. “You know no one has been up here for years, there could be anything up here.” He pushed me forward.

  “Turn the light on and stop making excuses. We’ll be in and out.”

  I pulled the hatch open and we entered the carnage, our eyes adjusting to the dim light.

  “Shit,” Robert said. “You were right, it’s like a charity shop up here.”

  “One without any visible floor space,” I whined.

  “Come on, let’s find them.” We began looking. After a half an hour or so, we decided to split up and start on one side of the room each, coming together in the middle. The dust was making me sneeze and I had to keep putting my sleeve over my face. We worked for another half an hour until Robert had a breakthrough.

  “Eureka!” he shouted. “Tinsel and a box that looks like a fake tree.”

  “Wow,” I said, making my way towards it. Just as I did I tripped and flew towards him. He jumped up and almost caught me, but I fell to the ground. “Ouch,” I whined. “Bloody boxes!” I kicked the box I had tripped over, a wooden box that had flowered patt
erns all over it and a sunflower on the lid. Then I noticed that within the sunflower it read DIANE.

  “This must have been my sister’s,” I sighed, pulling it towards me. Robert settled next to me.

  “It’s so weird that you never knew her,” he said. “It’s like she’s a ghost, or your mum made her up.”

  “I’ve seen her pictures and her room; she’s definitely not made up, but it does feel a bit like she’s dead with the rest of them.” I pulled the lid off the box and wasn’t sure what I would find inside, teddies, photos or keepsakes? Instead there was mail. The box was full of cards addressed to Jamie, Dad, Mum, and me. I was confused and pulled them all out. There were lots. I opened one addressed to me, and Robert put his hand on mine.

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked.

  “Yes, these are mine.” So I ripped it open and inside was a birthday card for a five year old.

  To Grace, Happy Birthday, Lots of love Diane and Carl xxx

  “Shit,” I said. “She sent me cards.” I grabbed one of Jamie’s and ripped that open. It was an 18th.

  To Jamie, Happy 18th little brother, Lots of Love Diane and Carl xxx

  Tears sprung to my eyes unexpectedly. I remembered my big brother, not well these days, but enough to wish he was here with me when all was said and done. “He never made it to eighteen,” I said, holding back any tears that may have fallen. “He was fifteen when he died. She doesn’t know he’s dead,” I stated.

  “Oh, Grace.” Robert put his arm around me. “Families are so fucked up.” I nodded to him and put the cards back in the box.

  “Why would Mum keep these from me? Why hasn’t she told Diane dad and Jamie are dead if she knows where she is?”

  “There’s no address on these,” he said, looking at Jamie’s card and envelope again. “Your mum obviously doesn’t know where Diane is and Diane obviously doesn’t want to get found.”

  “You’re right, my family is so fucked up. Ahhh …” I put my hands over my face, “What the hell happened all those years ago that meant she would never come back? I don’t remember my dad being anything but perfect and Mum is bloody weird now, but she was normal when he was alive.”