Waiting for Grace

by Oakes, Hayley

  “They must have had a falling out,” Robert sighed.

  I took one last look in the box before I put the lid on and happened to see a thinner envelope, one that was definitely not a card. I grabbed for it, it was addressed to Dad. It looked old and the writing was faded by the years in this box.

  “Grace,” Robert cautioned as I went to tear it open. “Some things are best left where they are, in the past.”

  “Robert,” I warned, “if your family had been torn apart, you’d want to know why and this letter might tell me.”

  “Okay.” He held his hands up. “Go for it, but I just think …” he sighed, “I just think everything happens for a reason.”

  “All right, Mr Sensible, I’m curious so back off.” I tore the envelope open and there I saw it, at the top of the page an address.

  Dad,

  I hope you read this letter and don’t throw it away.

  I am fine. Carl and I live in a flat in London. We have been here since we left and are settled. I wanted to wait until I turned eighteen to write, in case you tried to make me come home. Carl is my life now and please respect my decisions. I hope that does not mean we cannot have a relationship.

  We left because we decided that staying in Poulton was too difficult after everything that had happened. I couldn’t live there and pretend that nothing had changed and you would never have accepted Carl back then.

  I am sorry that I didn’t go to university as you had planned, but I needed to make my own way in the world because I’m not a little girl anymore.

  I hate that we had to leave and I hate that I have disappointed you, but I am still your daughter and I love you very much. I appreciate everything that you have done for me and I hope that one day I can make you proud in my own way.

  Much love to Jamie and I know that Gracie will make you proud where I could not.

  If you want to write back my address is above. I won’t be coming home and so please don’t attempt to make me.

  Lots of Love

  Diane xxx

  “There’s an address,” I said, passing the letter to Robert. “Look, she’s in London. Mum and Dad never bothered to find out. They didn’t open it.”

  “Grace, this letter must be over a decade old,” he sighed. “She can’t still be there.”

  “Look for more,” I said frantically raking through the cards for another letter, tipping the box upside down. There weren’t any more.

  “This is an old letter. God knows where she is now. If she wanted to know you, you’ve not moved.” He placed his hand on my shoulder. “If she wanted to know you, she would know you.”

  “Rubbish,” I barked. “She has no idea how my life is now, no idea that our dad and brother are dead, and I’m stuck with that lifeless twig of a drunk who wished it were me dead and not the other two.”

  “Grace …” he pulled me to him. “I’m sure she loves you; she doesn’t think that.”

  “I need my sister, Robert. I’m sure she would make everything okay. We need to go to this address.”

  He pulled me to him. “What can she do, Grace?”

  “Love me!” I yelped.

  “I love you,” he said softly, kissing my head. “Is that not enough?” He held me tightly, and I brushed away quick tears that tried to fall. He loved me and that was amazing. I hadn’t felt anything like that before, but my obsession with Diane and my feeling that she would make everything all right knew no bounds. If she had a family, then I could be a part of that. I could go somewhere where I belonged and not have to be pitied by other people’s families. Robert was my saviour, but how long would that last? Teenage romances never last forever, and I wasn’t naïve to think we would always be together. He would go to university and meet a girl who was better suited to him. He would find someone who was clever, refined, and had a nice family. I wanted to travel and leave this town, get away from my mum and this museum. He was happy to be near his loving family. I wouldn’t always have him, so perhaps I needed more. Perhaps I needed some roots and someone who had to love me, because she was my sister. I saw this box as a sign. These cards meant that she thought of Jamie and me every year on our birthdays, at least. I couldn’t believe Mum had the wherewithal the hide them.

  After that, our Christmas was good. I decided not to tell my mum what I knew. I was torn between throwing the cards at her and just ignoring her, but in the end, after stewing for a few days, I decided to ignore it all. She was mentally unstable and kept all these things hidden for a reason, most likely because she couldn’t handle her reality. So I kept Diane’s letter and hid it in my room. I went to Robert’s family parties, we exchanged gifts, and once again, Barbara made me feel like part of the family. Robert’s brothers treated me like a long lost sister, including me in their squabbles as well as their fun times. I felt a part of their brood and for that I was grateful, as it offered me a different reality. Despite the decorations that Robert and I had put up that year, it was only ever a mask that covered the ugly truth. Each night I would get out Diane’s letter and just stare at her handwriting and that address. That address just captivated my every thought. My parents had never even opened the letter and never even entertained a thought of her from the day she left, but I wanted her, I needed her.

  I needed to find this address. I wanted to see my sister.

  Fourteen

  Now

  It had been two weeks since Robert and I had sat in the café, and he was still present in Devon’s life, except Maria was a little frostier towards him. I was pleasant. I hid everything very well, but insisted more that he and Devon have time alone together and didn’t always tag along. I needed to keep a comfortable distance between us for my own sanity. I hadn’t seen or heard of Cecily since the week before and for that I was grateful. I had changed my shift for the upcoming weekend to have Saturday off instead of Sunday, as Jackie, the lady who ran the young mother’s home that Maria and I met in, was holding a charity event. We both volunteered as much as we could at the homes, around our hectic schedules and the kids, but her actual charity events were a must.

  There would be an afternoon tea event that would be attended by generous benefactors. The tickets were £15 each. Jackie would be making her usual speech to gain funds, and she had asked that Maria and I prepare something, as well. We were both very nervous. Max and Devon were attending, and I was worried what Devon would think about Mummy being up on the stage, but when Jackie asked, we couldn’t turn it down.

  “So where you off to tomorrow?” Groucher asked on Friday as my shift was winding down. “Hot date with the blonde city trader?”

  “He isn’t a city trader.” I shook my head. “We’re also not in any sort of relationship, so stop going on about it,” I said, grabbing the plates.

  “Well, I suppose he hasn’t been here lately, must have given up trying, eh?” He laughed to himself as I walked out of the kitchen.

  When I finished my shift and had my coat on to head home, Groucher stopped me. He leaned against the door frame of the staff room. His tattooed arms bulged out of his t-Shirt with a crooked smile on his face and his green eyes shined. “How about you let me take you out some time?” he asked, watching me intently.

  I smiled at him. “I’ve got enough problems, Groucher, and you’re trouble.”

  He shook his head. “Just need the right woman to sort me out.”

  “I bet!” I laughed. “Now come on, I’ve gotta get home.”

  “How about one date and then you decide?” I looked him in the eye and for a second his usual jovial stare was gone, replaced with something more serious.

  “I tell you what,” I said, “we can have a drink as friends and you can tell me all about the reasons that I should maybe have one date with you. That’s my best offer.” He grinned; his previous serious face now disappeared.

  “Sounds like a deal.” He smirked. “But you’ll have to call me Alan.”

  “Oh God, that’s a deal breaker.” I sighed. “Alan is not an attractive name.
”

  He laughed.

  “Only one I’ve got.”

  “Right, well, see you Sunday.”

  “Yeah!” he shouted after me. “Let me know when you’re free.” I cringed in case anyone heard, and I made my way outside. Groucher wasn’t a bad guy. He was a few years older than me, just turned thirty, but I didn’t think of him romantically. However, now I needed to concentrate on having fun and giving someone a chance, or else Robert would end up being my one and only love. So perhaps a drink with Groucher was a good start. He did have a lot of enviable qualities. He owned a business; he had a body that looked like it definitely visited the gym, a face that was weathered yet cared for, and a sense of humour that I was used to these days.

  I made my way out into the cold when my mobile rang. It was Robert.

  “Hi,” I said breathlessly, the wind whipping into me as I walked.

  “Hi, I’m five minutes from the diner, do you want a lift home?” he asked.

  “No, thanks,” I sighed, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Why? I’m taking my daughter out tonight and I happen to be heading to the same place as you. I had a meeting ‘round the corner, so I’m offering a friendly lift.”

  “Right,” I said shivering. “And what exactly are you doing in this part of the city?”

  As I said that his car pulled up next to me. “Picking you up,” he said as the window rolled down.

  I smiled at him thinly and could feel the warmth from inside the car as I stood on the cold pavement. I would be mad to refuse, and we had to be friends to make this all work. “Fine,” I said into the window. “Thanks.”

  I jumped inside and the window went back up. He smiled as I looked over to him.

  “So,” he said as we pulled away, “I’ve decided to tell my parents this weekend. I’ve been putting it off until Devon and I have had some time together. You know my mum will be here straight away.”

  I nodded and must have looked nervous.

  “It’ll be fine,” he said. “I just wanted you to know, that’s all. I’m going to call her tomorrow and explain.”

  “Right,” I said.

  “Also Devon asked me if I would come to this thing tomorrow.”

  “What thing?” I whipped my head to him.

  “The tea party.”

  “What? She didn’t say anything to me, and I don’t think it would be your cup of tea.”

  He laughed and replied, “Good pun.”

  “It wasn’t meant to be,” I said sharply. “Look, it’s a charity for women and mostly women attend.”

  “Well it’s a charity that helped my daughter and the woman I love, and so I want to attend.”

  “Robert …” I groaned.

  He looked over to me, “What?” he said innocently. I wasn’t going to bring up the fact that he said he loved me again. So I just rolled my eyes.

  “Fine,” I said, facing straight ahead. “Maria and I are doing a speech so you can come and sit with Max and Devon whilst we do it. That’ll work out quite well.”

  “You’ll be speaking?” he asked excitedly.

  “Yes, about my jackass boyfriend who left me in the lurch in the nation’s capital, so I had to call on Jackie Ramsey for help.”

  “Oh,” he said with a deep breath. “Hope I get the chance to defend myself,” he said sarcastically, and I couldn’t help but smile.

  “It’s fifteen pounds a ticket,” I said with an eyebrow raised.

  “Wow, that cheap?” he asked. He laughed, “Do we get scones with jam and cream?”

  “Maybe,” I said.

  He put his hand on mine that were folded in my lap. I pulled them away. “Stop it,” I warned.

  He turned to me with a serious look in his eye. “You have no idea how much I wish things had been different, that I could have been there for you rather than Jackie, bloody, Ramsey.”

  “Oh, Jesus, Robert, you get more dramatic by the week. It’s done, I’m fine, you’re fine, and our daughter is perfect.”

  He nodded. “Damn right she is, and tomorrow I get to see you do a speech,” he tittered, and I turned to look out of the window. I was nervous enough as it was without him making it worse.

  That evening Robert took Devon out for dinner. Maria and I ordered pizza with Max, who was excited that he got to choose the DVD for a change. We sat painting our nails with face packs on in our pyjamas.

  “So Groucher asked me out today,” I said, looking at Maria with wide eyes. We couldn’t really move our faces because of the face packs, so she widened her eyes, too and spoke through gritted teeth so as not to crack the mask.

  “Shit, what did you say?”

  “I said I’d have a drink, but it wouldn’t be a date.”

  “Bloody hell, you’re all heart.” She sighed, “Poor guy gets to buy you drinks, but can’t even say it’s a date.”

  “I’ll buy my own drinks,” I whined.

  “Oh God, just have a date with the man, what have you got to lose? He’s a good guy and you could do with a distraction from the dreaded ex.”

  “Exactly,” I said, “that’s why I’m going.”

  “Good,” she sighed, shaking the polish she was about to apply to her toe nails. “I think we could both do with some excitement for a change and better you than me back on the dating scene.”

  Half an hour later the masks were off, our nails were dry, and Max was ready for bed. It was eight o’clock when the doorbell rang and Robert brought Devon back. She bounded inside when I met him at the door, me in my pyjama bottoms, a t-shirt, hair scraped back and wearing no make-up. He gave me a shy smile. “See you tomorrow, Devon.” She hugged and kissed him.

  “Okay, Daddy,” she said.

  “What time should I be here?” he asked.

  “Well we need to be there early, so you could just meet us at the club.”

  “I’ll just come with you,” he said easily. It was hard to keep insisting in front of Devon, and as much space as I wanted to put between us, he kept pushing for us all to be together.

  “Okay come here for eleven. The event starts at twelve. The Cricket Club is only ten minutes away. You can fit us all in your car,” I said.

  “Great.”

  “Say thanks to Dad for tonight,” I said to Devon.

  “Thanks, Daddy,” she cooed, and as he started to walk away she shouted. “Say thanks to Cecily, as well!”

  I caught my breath as she so innocently laid out the truth. Cecily had been there. He hadn’t told me and again I felt foolish. He turned to search for my eyes, but I blinked and turned my back on him before he saw the pain. I had no idea why I was surprised. I just assumed he would check with me before introducing someone important into my daughter’s life, especially someone who was spitting venom at me the first and only time I had seen her.

  “Grace!” he shouted, holding the door open with his hand before I shut it. “Cecily wasn’t there, she sent a book for Grace, that’s all.”

  “Oh,” I looked up at him, and he gave me a nod.

  “She’s just trying to adjust, and I decided that I’d get to know Devon first, and of course you two should meet, as well, before Devon meets her.” I felt relieved but I had no business to. This man was not mine, and he was still living with his fiancée. He might have said he still loved me, but we both recognised that for what it was, teenage love lost.

  He turned to leave again and we went inside.

  “Mummy?” Devon asked as we climbed the stairs.

  “Yes?” I asked.

  “Will I always see my daddy now?”

  “I hope so, sweety,” I said, running my hands through her lovely long blonde hair.

  “Me too, he’s the best,” she beamed. I really did hope that Robert intended to stay just as involved in Devon’s life as he was. Now that she had a taste of a family I didn’t want it to be ripped away like it was with me.

  ***

  Maria and I were nervous. There was a small stage at the Cricket Club and it w
as scattered with ten round tables. They were laid out cabaret style and full of people here to listen to Jackie plead her case for benefactors. Jackie had come a long way since helping Maria and me. She now had four homes for single mothers, using the same rules and ideals as the one Maria and I lived in. They were dotted throughout the city and housed fifteen to twenty girls at a time. She had renamed her charity, ‘Growing Together,’ and there was a huge banner announcing that at the back of the stage.

  Robert sat at one of the back tables with Devon and Max, as we didn’t want the kids too close to the front. I couldn’t see him from where we stood, but I knew where he was seated. Jackie prepped us at the side of the stage before she began.

  “Girls, you look lovely.” She rubbed Maria’s arm in a motherly gesture. She wore a pale blue, woollen suit, tan tights, pink heels and her mousy hair fell in soft curls to her shoulders. You could easily mistake her for someone much younger, but we both knew she was almost sixty. She usually wore glasses, but today had contact lenses in and her make-up had been taken up a notch. “Now don’t be nervous, just tell your stories and get us some more funding, so we can help as many girls as humanly possible.” She hugged us both to her. “You both make me so proud.” She smiled, broadly. Then she took to the stage, eased herself in front of the microphone, and the room hushed.

  “Hello, everybody, welcome, and thank you all for coming. I hope you enjoy the delicious treats that will be coming out to your tables after our brief presentation. They have all been freshly prepared by ‘Growing Together,’ family and friends. I am Jackie Ramsey, and I think you will all agree that we are here for a very special cause, that of women who find themselves alone, abandoned, and vulnerable when they need someone the most.”

  She cleared her throat and began the familiar story that Maria and I had heard so many times before. “I am going to give you a brief insight into why I started this charity, and then two of my girls here will give small speeches about how their lives have been enhanced by ‘Growing Together.’ So, here we go. In 1970 I found myself in a very difficult predicament. I fell in love with a local boy and we had a brief affair that left me pregnant, heartbroken, and alone. After I finally admitted my situation to my parents, my father threw some money at me, and then promptly threw me out onto the streets.”