Waiting for Grace
Page 21
“Maria I understand your concern.” Jackie smiled, looking at me through worried eyes. “But that letter doesn’t mean anything, and he wouldn’t be out unless he was reformed. I can’t find out the specifics of his release, but maybe you could.”
“Well, he’s hardly going to make a fuss is he? When it would affect his release, he’ll lay low, he’ll pass the tests and then he’ll find me. I don’t want contact with anyone at all; you mustn’t try. Promise me!” she said, panicked, “I don’t want anyone to know where I am.”
“You’re being paranoid, Maria. You can’t let this idiot control your life. If you are right then you are just playing into his hands by breaking down like this, you need to stand up, claim your life and be God damn ready when he comes knocking, not cowering in the flaming corner.”
“Do you know, Jackie?” Maria sighed. “You’re right, I know you’re right but … I just can’t fight anymore, I can’t do that again.”
“You might not have to Maria, but you can’t live your life in fear.”
“He scares me so much.” She shook her head and held her eyes down away from us. “I just feel like a scared little girl all over again. I have blocked so much of it out, and I’m worried what is going to come flooding back now I feel like this again.”
“I think you should speak to someone, a professional.”
“I can’t tell a stranger all this shit.”
“Look,” Jackie said soothingly, “do this for Max, exorcise your demons for him. If you hate it, fine, but please try, and you should both enroll in self defence classes, it’ll make you feel safer.”
“Great idea,” I said excitedly, perhaps overly so, as Maria looked at me and rolled her eyes.
“We don’t need self defence, we need a gun.”
“No guns,” Jackie said, “God Maria, come on.”
“I’m just joking, sorry, yes we’ll find some classes,” she said like a robot.
“Great, now come on you need to get out of this funk and I’m going to get a police officer over here to speak to you about security and help secure the property. He’ll tell you, it’s not worth your brother bothering you, he’d be mad as he’ll be straight back inside.”
“Don’t tell them why, I don’t want anyone to know.”
“Just for security.” Jackie sighed. “I won’t mention your brother.”
“Thank God.” Maria shook her head.
“I just can’t believe he’s already out.” I sighed. “Doesn’t seem long enough for murder.”
“You’re right,” Jackie said solemnly. “It’s a joke. Right, girls, I better get going, are we all feeling a bit better?”
“Yes, thanks,” Maria smiled thinly, and I walked Jackie to the door.
“Keep an eye on her,” she whispered as we neared the front door. “I’m worried.”
“You and me both,” I said. “She’s a broken woman today. I’ve never seen her like this, she’s always so strong.”
“She really does need to talk to someone. I think more went down at home than she’s ever admitted to herself, let alone anyone else.”
“Okay, I’ll encourage it, get us some numbers.”
“I will.” She hugged me and kissed my cheek. “And who was the gentleman at the charity afternoon tea?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Oh,” I looked away shyly, “an old friend.”
“Seems like a nice, normal guy, but looks can be deceptive.”
“No, he’s nice and normal, just a shame I’m not.”
“Oh hush, define normal?” she laughed to herself. “Everyone’s got skeletons in their closet.”
“Yeah, and I’m his.”
“Oh? Sounds like a long story, fill me in next time. Gotta fly. Keep me informed on the Maria front, and I’ll get those numbers and get my police buddy to pop ‘round. Okay?”
“Great, thanks.”
As I closed the door and turned to go back to Maria, my phone rang in my pocket. Robert. Oh shit, I’d forgotten that he was coming to the diner for lunch.
“Hello,” I said.
“Grace, where the hell are you? What’s happened?”
“Oh God, sorry Robert, I should have texted. Maria looked like hell first thing and couldn’t go to work. Her nerves are shot and she’s in a state, so I stayed off to be with her and Jackie has been ‘round.”
“Oh,” he sighed. “Jesus, I thought something had happened. Thank God. So she’s in a mess, eh?”
“Yeah, I think she’s gonna try and pull it together to get to work tomorrow, so hopefully we’ll be back to normal.”
“I think you should still let me sort out that restraining order, help you get the ball rolling.”
“Okay, thanks. That would be good. Look, I better get back to her, Jackie is going to get a police officer to come ‘round and give us some tips on securing the flat and stuff so we’ll be fine.”
“You will be, I’m sure, I’ll call you later, okay?”
“Okay, great.” I smiled despite myself. All these years of independence, but it still felt good for him to care. “Bye.”
“Bye,” he said.
***
The rest of the day was spent on the sofa. I tried to get Maria to eat, and we talked about her early years, and where things had gone wrong for her brother. She didn’t like to say his name out loud; we had learnt that a long time ago. It was as if she thought he was Beetlejuice and just by saying his name he would appear. We talked about work and her commitments to her job, and also Max. She had to be strong for him. By the end of the day we walked to school together, getting out the front door was hard but once we were outside she realised how much she was letting him affect her.
“I can’t hide,” she said as we approached the other mums at the school gate. “I have to just get on with things and learn to accept that he is no longer behind bars and when he comes …”
“If he comes,” I said, linking her arm and giving her a squeeze.
“If he comes, I’ll be ready.”
“That’s the spirit.”
I had told their teacher this morning that there would be no need for “after school club,” and the kids came bounding out with smiles on their faces. They ran to us and giggled. Max held his bags out for Maria to carry, running ahead with another boy towards the school gates. Devon held my hand and walked by my side.
“We got a party invite today, me and Max. It’s a disco.”
“Oooo a disco.” I smiled. “That’ll be good.”
“Will my daddy come to my birthday party when I’m seven?” she asked innocently.
“I’m sure he will,” I said, “I bet he’d love that.”
“Maybe my Nana and Grandad, too, and my Uncle Owen.”
“Maybe, but it’s a long way for a party for Nana and Grandad.”
She didn’t speak after that as we walked. Maria and I fell into easy conversation and Max ran back to us after his friend got into a nearby car. “Where’s Max’s Dad, then?” Devon asked, quite out of the blue. Maria and I looked at each other, and this awkward question was the last thing she needed today. She had told him of course, that his Dad was a childhood boyfriend who she no longer saw, but this question was more than that, where is he?
Max looked up to Maria expectantly. “Will my Dad ever be coming back?” he said.
“Sorry, son.” She held his hand now and pulled him into a hug. “I don’t think so.”
“That’s okay, Max,” Devon said, taking his hand. “You can share mine.” Maria and I smiled at each other. Perhaps we were both thinking at that moment that everything would be fine. So long as we all had each other, we could handle anything, and our kids were the supportive siblings to each other that neither one of us had had. In that moment, perhaps, we were thinking alike, but at night when Maria’s head hit the pillow I knew her thoughts would go back to her brother and her fear would never set her free.
***
Thursday was my birthday. Maria had made an effort all week to go t
o work. She wasn’t her usually flawless self, but only I noticed. Robert had been ‘round and actually been wonderful with Maria, helping her organise a restraining order, and discussing what he knew of violent criminals, which surprisingly was a lot. We also had a visit from a police officer and we enrolled in self-defence classes. The general consensus was that Joe Reyes, Maria’s infamous brother, valued his freedom above bothering her again. The police officer gave us some statistics on revenge crime and they were low compared to what was dramatised for television. However, after he left Maria was still unsure.
“It wouldn’t be a revenge crime,” she sighed. “He’s obsessed with owning me, not getting revenge of some sort.” I held her close and hoped that all her worrying was for no reason.
On Thursday, I worked hard through my birthday and felt butterflies in my stomach for the night to come. How would it feel to actually be out with Robert on a date after so many years. We had been alone together, firstly for me to tell him about Devon and watch his shocked response, and then for him to explain things to me about Cecily, but finally this would be different. I didn’t know if embarking on a relationship with him was a good idea, but for once my heart was winning and the more time we were apart the more I yearned for him. There was still so much to talk about and still so much painful history that we hadn’t discussed at length, but there were also lots of happy memories, too. We had been each other’s everything and to lose him all those years ago was like losing a limb, something I promised myself I would never allow to happen to me again. I spent three months crying myself to sleep and aching with loss, as I had never allowed myself to need someone before. When I finally snapped out of the pain and assessed my new reality, I had built a pretty big defence mechanism that only Maria and the kids were ever allowed to crack. Yet the feelings that flowed back into me for Robert were dangerously close to what I had before, want, need, desire and most definitely love.
I got home from work at the usual time and the kids were already in their pyjamas. Maria was nursing a glass of wine in her jogging bottoms with a tired expression. They had all given me presents in the morning, and Robert had been texting all day. I felt loved, but couldn’t allow myself to embrace the feeling of completeness because it was all so new and there were some issues lingering in the background.
I quickly jumped in the shower, washed and dried my hair at super speed, and tried to find something nice that wasn’t too dressy. The problem was that I was never very good at shopping or choosing clothes and so I didn’t shop very often. There wasn’t much to choose from. I finally chose skinny jeans, a loose, black satin top, with lace details at the shoulders, and black stiletto heels. The outfit was completed with a pale blue blazer. My make-up was subtle, but more than I would wear to work, and I wore my heavy fringe to the side.
I walked into the lounge just before eight.
“Wit woo,” Maria said, looking back at me from the couch. “Looking hot, momma, is that my blazer?” She laughed.
“You have the best taste.” I smiled. “This okay?”
“Oh God, yes. You make it look better than I do.”
“Doubtful,” I said making my way to sit down with them, transferring my essential items into a smaller bag for the night out.
“Right, shall I put these two to bed?” I said.
“Ah … no it’s okay. I’m having a cuddle,” she sighed, one child under each arm glued to the TV.
“Right well,” I had a quick swig of her wine, “I’m nervous,” I whispered to her.
“Why?” she said eyes wide, a hint of a smile on her face. I rolled my eyes and as I did the doorbell rang.
“Right,” I hopped up and kissed them all, “see you later.”
I made my way downstairs and when I reached the front door I peered through the peep hole to ensure that it was Robert. There he was, waiting for me, and I had to take a deep breath to steady my nerves. I pulled the door open with a smile and he beamed at me, his eyes roaming up and down my body.
“Wow,” he said, stepping into the doorway, “you look amazing, Grace, I am the luckiest man in the world.”
“Oh God, shut up, when did you become so mushy?” I slapped his arm jokingly, and he pulled me into them as I did.
“Happy Birthday,” he said, kissing my head. I looked up at him and he took my breath away. I was so nervous, excited, and apprehensive all at the same time and I wondered if he would kiss me tonight. If finally I’d get to feel those lips on me again and if he would feel like mine, as he always did before. We became so close in the time we were together; we were like one person. The thought of him kissing anyone but me made me feel uneasy. How could there be so much of me left for this man after all the years we had been apart?
He held my stare and smiled, “Is Devon in bed or can I go up and give her a kiss goodnight?” I loved that he loved Devon and was as much of a father as if he had been there for the past six years.
“Yes she’s awake, come on.” I led him upstairs and let him in where he made his way inside, chatting to them briefly, and kissing Devon goodnight whilst I watched from the doorway. I waved as we left, and he put his arm around my waist.
“Come on, let’s get this party started,” he teased as we made our way outside. He wore dark jeans and a black shirt, open at the neck with a dark suit jacket over the top. His blonde hair was tamed slightly and he looked just amazing. He looked expensive and tasteful, and I could never compete with that.
He took my hand and there was a taxi waiting; we slipped inside.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“Somewhere disgusting.” He grinned.
I shook my head and he pulled me to him, his arm around me in the back of the cab. “Sometimes I can’t believe we’re back in touch,” he sighed.
“I know,” I said in a small voice.
“It’s all I’ve ever wanted, you know. I won’t mess this up Grace. I promise, just trust me.”
I smiled at him, it was a bit too early for deep and meaningful conversations, but Robert had never been one to let me hide from emotion. He must have sensed that that was all I had to offer, and so we fell into easy conversation about Devon, self-defence, Maria, and his work.
After fifteen minutes or so we pulled up at South Bank in front of the illuminated Oxo Tower.
“This is disgusting?” I teased as he paid the driver.
“I took a chance.” He winked. “Hoping you wouldn’t mind one drink in the lap of luxury.” He took my hand and led me inside. We made our way to a bank of lifts and Robert checked in with the concierge who sent us straight up in the lift to the 8th Floor. When the lift opened the views were amazing straight away. The Thames lit up below us, and the crisp winter night’s sky allowed us to see London illuminated in all its beauty.
“Wow,” I sighed.
“First time here?” Robert asked, leading me to an empty table in the window. I nodded. “Me too,” he whispered in my ear as we took a seat.
“Right, order whatever you want and then we can either eat at the restaurant here, or you can choose somewhere else,”
“Here is great,” I said, still admiring the view, “I love this city.” I grinned.
“Me too.”
We ordered two cocktails. I ordered a Brief Encounter and Robert a Hope and Glory. When they arrived we both sipped them and tried each other’s. His was dry and not to my taste, and so I was glad for my sweet drink. The alcohol took the edge off my nerves a little, but I couldn’t help but regard Robert as he drank in the view. He was so calm and yet so commanding that I couldn’t believe Cecily had let him go so easily. There must have been so many women over the years that I struggled to understand what was so special about me.
“Happy Birthday,” he said, raising his glass to me and I to him. Then he slid a wrapped oblong box over the table to me.
I grinned. “You got me a present?”
“Of course.” He leaned forward. “Open it.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“Rubbish.” He shook his head. I opened the box to find a delicate, silver link chain inside with a diamante hoop that was hooked through a silver bar. It held a charm in the shape of a heart that said ‘Tiffany and Co.’ It was beautiful, and no one had ever bought me jewellery before.
“Wow.” I gasped. “I love it.” He took the box and eased the bracelet out.
“Try it on,” he urged. I took it from him and slid it over my wrist; it looked amazing.
“Thank you, ” I said again, looking into his beautiful eyes.
“You’re welcome,” he whispered, sliding his hand over the table and touching where the bracelet sat on my wrist. “It looks great on you.”
I laughed lightly and watched him run his finger over my wrist. It made me warm inside and I loved feeling his touch. We chatted easily and drank our cocktails. He made me feel like the most important person in the room.
“So,” I said tentatively, on my second cocktail, “what happened with Cecily then?”
“You want to talk about this on your birthday and our first date?”
“This is our first date?” I smiled shyly.
“Well technically, it was an ice cream at Giorgio’s back home, but yes.”
“Yes, I just want to know.”
He groaned, “Well she threw me out.” I was confused.
“Oh,” so he hadn’t made some sweeping statement to choose me after all.
“Look it’s not what you think, okay, I’m not here now because she threw me out. After I first saw you, the very first time in the diner, I knew there was no future for Cecily and me. Even if you were married, had ten kids, and never wanted to speak to me again, I knew that I had to have what we had, not what I had with her.” He sighed. “The thing is that she was away in New York when I first met you, and then you told me about Devon and it was all just so much, but from the moment I saw you again I withdrew, and she knew it. I felt dreadful for that, and so I tried to make it right but it couldn’t be.”