Waiting for Grace

by Oakes, Hayley

  “Okay, how about we get a hotel room and I go and get Devon?”

  I smiled at him through my tears, “Perfect.”

  ***

  We drove to the edge of the motorway and found a Travelodge. It wasn’t fancy, but it was clean and allowed us to check in at 7 pm on Boxing Day. We walked sombrely to the room, Robert hugging me from behind as we made our way down the corridor. Once in the room I was still quiet and in shock.

  “I’ll run you a bath and make you a cup of tea, and then I’ll pop home and be back before you notice I’m gone.” He filled the small travel kettle in the room with water and then went to run the bath. I just sat on the edge of the bed.

  “Right,” he said, a few minutes later, the cup of tea in my hands and the bath full. “I’ll be back before you finish in the bath.”

  I looked up to him and into those amazing blue eyes. My stomach tugged with an overwhelming feeling of love. Robert was my safe haven all along, he knew what to say and what to do, “Thank you.” I breathed. “I don’t deserve you. You’re too good to me.”

  He knelt in front of me and took my hands. “You’re welcome and you don’t have to thank me for taking care of you, it’s my pleasure.” I shook my head and grinned.

  “I love you,” I said quietly and with that he kissed my forehead and was gone.

  Robert

  On the way back to my parent’s house I was severely fucked up and my mind was racing. I drove especially fast as I couldn’t leave Grace too long. I was worried that she would fall apart if I weren’t there. I needed to get Devon, get her back to that room, and then we could all just pull together. These past couple of months had made me feel complete after years of searching for something that I couldn’t quite find. Grace gave me that, she gave me a purpose, and she had given me Devon. These last couple of months I’d been walking on air. I was worried that this would ruin all my months of trying to get her back and that this would finally break Grace. I wouldn’t be able to put it all back together. Shit, why did her mum have to be such a fuck up and why did her family decide that not knowing her real mum would be a great idea? As if she hadn’t been through enough?

  I made it home in ten minutes and flung through the door. Everyone was in the back room. I could hear the merriment and Devon’s sweet laughter. I felt numb and wasn’t sure how I could face a room full of Christmas cheer. Luckily, Mum came into the hallway, gin and tonic in hand, when she heard the door bang. She took one look at my face and could see that all wasn’t well.

  “Robert,” she whispered. “Front room.” She nodded towards the lounge with her head and I followed her in. “Where’s Grace?”

  “Oh Mum,” I croaked, tears threatening to fill my eyes. I was so choked with emotion. “Things didn’t go well.”

  “They didn’t?” She asked, searching my eyes frantically.

  “What happened? Where’s Grace?”

  “She,” I shook my head. “She couldn’t come back here, she needs some time alone. I mean with me, but just not here, she’s had some … news.”

  “What? God, Robert you’re scaring me.”

  “We’ve checked into a hotel, she couldn’t come here and be surrounded by everyone, it’s her mum.”

  “What … is she okay?”

  “Yes,” I shouted, louder than I wanted to. “Sorry, yes she’s fine, better than fine, kicked the drink, and the house looks amazing but … but she’s not Grace’s real mum.” I sighed.

  “Oh,” my Mum said. “Oh.”

  “You don’t seem shocked.”

  She shook her head and sipped the drink she held in her hand. “I suppose I’m not.”

  “You’re not?” I asked angrily. “Why?” I glared at her. “Did you know, what the hell Mum?”

  “Look, calm down, Robert. I didn’t know for sure but …”

  “Do you know who her Mum is?”

  “Does she?” I was seething.

  “Yes, do you Mum?”

  She sighed and fell back into the nearest armchair, covering her face in her hands, “Diane?” she asked and I nodded. What the hell did she know?

  “What the hell, Mum!”

  “Imagine Robert, imagine thinking you know a secret. Thinking you know something but never being sure enough to tell, and then it’s been too long and it’s just never your story to tell.”

  “Mum, you’re scaring the shit out of me. I don’t need any more reasons for Grace to run away from me.” I shook my head.

  “I knew Diane, okay? I was her teacher in high school. She wasn’t an A Level student of mine, but I was pregnant with you and she confided in me.”

  “What?” I raged, standing up, “You knew all along.”

  “Not quite, please calm down. I knew she was pregnant and advised her to tell her parents and then after that I never saw her again. I was busy, I had you and your brothers, and so I didn’t think of it much really. Until I met Grace …”

  I felt sick, how could my mum have known this and not say.

  “I didn’t put two and two together at first but after that night at the hospital I asked around town about Irene and found out about her husband, son, and step daughter and I started to wonder. I mean Grace is so much like Diane.”

  “And you never thought to say?”

  “Robert, I had no proof and this was not my story to share, why did I want to mess with Grace’s head for something that may have all been in my head?”

  “So why not tell me?”

  “I was never sure,” she shook her head, “until …” she looked up at me, “until Diane came here a few years ago.”

  “She was here? What? Where was I?”

  “You were at university, she did some digging and found out about you two. She was desperate to trace Grace, showed me pictures, of course I didn’t need them. She wanted to see you, but you were just getting over her and I was too scared that she’d start it all up again. She didn’t say she was her birth mother or anything.”

  “Mum!” I barked. “How could you not tell me this?”

  “I’m sorry Robert, I was protecting you.”

  “You were protecting Irene. Look I’ve no time for this I’ve come to get Devon and we’re going to comfort Grace.”

  “What? You can’t take her to a hotel where Grace is clearly falling apart and you’re wired like this it’s not good for a little girl.”

  “Grace needs her.”

  “No, Grace needs to know she’s safe. She needs you; you’re her rock. Go and let her cry, scream, get it all out, but not in front of Devon. That isn’t fair.” I stopped for a second and thought about what Grace would want for Devon and Mum was right. She wouldn’t want her to see her like this. She may want a cuddle, but I could do that.

  “Fine,” I pushed past her. “She can stay, but I’m so angry with you.”

  She grabbed my arm. “You may be, Robert, but remember who is the bad person here, who chose to keep that secret and that’s not me. I had no proof and know that I love you more than my own life, and I would never do anything that I thought would hurt you.”

  “I know.” I nodded. “But this doesn’t look good.”

  She sighed. “Go and kiss Devon, try and look normal and we can talk tomorrow. I love you.” She kissed my cheek.

  “I know.” I smiled.

  I gave Devon a hug and managed a fake smile, telling her that Grace and I were staying out for the night because the house was a little crowded. She was confused and wanted to see her mummy, but Mum managed to distract her and told her that Grace would be back first thing in the morning. My brothers looked on confused, but I knew my motor mouth mother would fill them in as soon as I left. I grabbed some essentials from our room and raced out of the door.

  I motored back to the hotel and had been gone just over an hour. When I pushed open the hotel room door, the room was empty but light streamed through from the bathroom. I stood at the door and shouted, “Grace?”

  “Yep,” she said, stifling emotion. “Where’s my baby?�
� She asked with a heavy voice.

  “I thought it best she stay there tonight and maybe best she didn’t see you like this.”

  “Oh,” she said. I still stood outside of the door, but I could feel the loss in her voice.

  “For you really,” I sighed. “You don’t really want her to see you so upset.”

  “Yes,” she sniffed. “I can barely stop crying for one bloody minute.”

  “Grace?” I asked, “Can I come in?”

  “Yes,” she croaked. I pushed the door open and there in the bath, beautifully naked, was my world and it was broken. I needed to fix this.

  Grace

  Robert sat on the edge of the bath and I pulled my legs up to my chest. The water was still warm, but I was shivering. “Pass me a towel,” I said to him sombrely. He did and left the bathroom quietly. Both of us were unsure what to say.

  “Shall I put the kettle on again?” he shouted.

  “I think I could do with something stronger!” I shouted back, tying the towel around me.

  “Room service?” he asked as I walked towards him in the bedroom. I nodded and smiled.

  “Am I overreacting?” I asked as I looked through the bag he brought for some pyjamas and hopefully a tooth brush. My emotional response had left me worn out.

  He shrugged, looking to me. “I don’t think there is any such thing, I mean it’s a massive shock, and it’s going to make you think and wonder and … cry.”

  “Yep.” I nodded. “But I need to man up.”

  “Why now?” Robert said, making his way to me, wrapping me in his big strong arms. “Allow yourself to have tonight. Let yourself just cry it out tonight, you don’t always have to be so strong.” As he held me I melted into his body.

  “I just,” I gasped, tears taking hold again, “I just thought I was already fucked up enough and now … why can’t I just be normal?”

  “You are normal,” he whispered, “it’s your bloody family that aren’t, this should never have happened to you. I’m so sorry.”

  “Let’s order a drink.”

  ***

  An hour later we were curled up on the bed, on top of the sheets, drinking wine and eating crisps. “So,” I sighed, “where do I go from here? I can’t face Mum again. God, I’m so angry right now and I’m not sure how I feel about being abandoned in that house with her by Diane.”

  “Well I think everyone deserves a fair hearing, and Diane meant well, she meant to give you a good life.”

  “You think? Sounds like Jeff and Irene were pretty cuckoo before I was born.”

  “True,” he smiled to me, “but you survived; you’re better than all right and you’ve got a great life. You’ve done well for yourself. They didn’t scar you.”

  “It feels like they did,” I said quietly. “Any normal girl would have come home with you that day.”

  “And any sane guy would never have left you.”

  “But look what you have now, you never could have had that if you’d have stayed,” I said.

  “The only two things that I’ve got now that I give a damn about are you and Devon, so if I’d have stayed I would have had you for seven years not just the past two months. The job, money, uni, it means nothing, but at seventeen I couldn’t see that. I thought it all meant happiness.”

  “You were happy.”

  “No I was comfortable.” He put his hand on my face. “This makes me happy, being with you, no matter what we go through and what happens, us being together.”

  “You were right, I wasn’t good enough for you, I never fit into that world and I still don’t.”

  “What I said that day Grace, I meant none of it, okay? I said those things to hurt you because I wanted you to hurt like I was. My heart was breaking because I knew you weren’t going to come and I felt forced to make a decision, so I said what I thought would make you come and I should never have said that. It wasn’t fair.”

  “It was true, Robert. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be the right person for you and I’ll always have this fucked up secret to live with.”

  “It’s not a secret anymore and who isn’t fucked up? God,” he sighed, “I don’t want anyone else and you’re perfect for me. I knew that the day I met you and I still know it now. Maybe I’m not good enough for you, some mummy’s boy who abandoned you in a big city, pregnant, and vulnerable when I knew you were hurting. I should have helped you leave Irene earlier.”

  I shook my head. “We’ve both got a lot to regret.” I sighed.

  “So let’s make up for it now,” he said.

  I smiled at him and leaned forward for a kiss. “Then why don’t you want me?” I whispered.

  “What? Have you not just heard a single word I said?”

  “I mean why don’t you want to sleep with me, in all these months you haven’t even tried,” I said quietly.

  He gazed into my eyes and smiled. “Lack of opportunity,” he raised an eyebrow, “and I didn’t want to scare you away.”

  “Why? Are your skills scary now?” I laughed.

  “No, are yours?” He prowled towards me and kissed me gently again.

  “I want you Robert, all of you, and I want to know that you’ll never let me walk away from you again.”

  “You’ve got me Grace and Jesus, I’d die before you got away from me.” I leaned back into the bed as his kisses became more intense and he gently lay on top of me. “I don’t want you to think that this is all I want.”

  “God shut up and get me off.” I laughed.

  He kissed me and smiled as he did. “You have a filthy mouth Miss Cooper.”

  “Then do something about it.”

  He kissed softly down my neck and I groaned. His hand roamed down my body and gently ran under my vest top. I hadn’t worn a bra, and so he quickly accessed my breasts groaning as he settled his hand on my right breast. “I’ve missed this.” He sighed.

  He came back to my mouth and kissed me harder, both of us taken over by desire as our tongues tangled and I reached down to his jeans, feeling his need for me through them, already hard. He pulled my top up and leaned down to suck my nipples and I groaned again. I threw my top off over my head and pulled at his t-shirt, which he pulled all the way off. His body was bigger than I remembered, no longer a boy. He had the hard body of a man and it made me want him more. I kissed his chest and ran my hands all over his body. We kissed again and his hands roamed lower into my pants. I unbuttoned his jeans and he helped me by sliding them down with his underwear. He was suddenly completely naked on top of me. I smiled up into his eyes as he looked at me.

  “I love you Grace, my brown eyed girl.” We kissed again furiously as he pulled my pants and underwear down with one hand and touched my left breast lightly with the other. He found my most sensitive spot and stroked it gently, and I felt that amazing pressure build as he rubbed and touched me. I took him in my hand and stroked gently, to which he groaned. Then he pulled away from me, reached for his wallet, and pulled out a condom, which he expertly rolled on and then hovered back over me. He kissed me again and was inside me.

  It had been a long time since I had slept with anyone, but having Robert back was like being home. “You feel so good,” he crooned. We moved together like we had never been apart. It was slow at first and then harder and faster. He pushed me to the edge and I came apart screaming his name, as he climaxed.

  “God Grace, I missed that.”

  “It was pretty good wasn’t it?” I said, cuddling into him, our naked bodies tangled in the sheets.

  “You, okay?”

  “Better than okay.” I smiled, “I needed that to forget the other shit that I’ve had to deal with today. You and Devon are my happy places.”

  “I’m glad.” He pulled me tightly to him. “Because that was definitely my favourite place to be.” I shook my head, embarrassed.

  “Now tomorrow I need to figure out who the hell I am and how to deal with it.”

  “Sounds like a plan.” He nodded, switching the light out and
pulling me close again.

  Shepherd’s Bush - Diane

  “Carl, phone!” I had my hands full again, this house was filled with people and yet the phone was ringing off the hook. “Carl, I’m doing the paper mache for God’s sake.” Nothing. I ran to the phone, my hands sticky with glue and newspaper.

  “Hello?” I said.

  “Diane?” I inwardly sighed, my stepmother.

  “Hello, Irene, Merry Christmas, but look this is a bad time. I’m in the middle of a project for my Year Tens and …”

  “She came back,” she cut me off, and I must have misheard.

  “What?”

  “Grace was here today, she came here.”

  “What?” I stuttered, “She … what?” I almost dropped the phone. I had lost all hope that Grace would ever venture back to that hell hole that she was dragged up in and I had no way of finding her. I had lost my daughter again on her eighteenth birthday. Before that day, I had hope and after that, I had nothing, no leads, no knowledge and no trace. Perhaps Karma had other ideas after all.

  “She came with the Banford boy. I suppose they rekindled things.”

  “And? Did you get a number? An address? Is she still there?”

  Irene cleared her throat. “No, sorry no I didn’t,”

  “What?” I almost screamed.

  “Well, I told her. I told her the truth and she,” she coughed again, “it didn’t go well, she was very upset.”

  “Upset,” I repeated solemnly. Well of course she would be. Anyone would be. She doesn’t know me, her life has been thrown into disarray, and I can’t expect her to be glad about it.

  “She ran out of here with the boy and I managed to stop him and give him your number for her to call but,” she sighed, “I doubt she’ll be here again.” I did feel for the old woman, her life hadn’t been a picnic, and yes she had neglected my only daughter, but she was ill. I knew she still struggled daily with her addictions, all addicts did. She wanted Grace to forgive her and had forgone that to finally tell her the truth. “Thanks for telling her, Irene, and I’m sorry she didn’t take it well.”