by Jo Jakeman
Her voice was shrill with disapproval.
‘Exactly,’ I said, my voice rising. ‘That about sums you up, Ruby. You can’t believe what I’ve done, but you’re not angry with Phillip for what he’s done. Stop being so bloody blinkered, Ruby. Why can’t you understand that I had no choice?’
She had the decency to look away. When she spoke again, her voice was so quiet and calm that for a moment I thought I’d managed to get through to her.
‘If you don’t let him go this minute,’ she said, ‘I will call the police.’
‘I can’t,’ I said.
I sank to the sofa with my head in my hands. I was more frustrated than upset, but still the tears came.
God knows what I was crying for but, once I started, I couldn’t stop. Neither Naomi nor Ruby moved to comfort me. Ruby was still smarting from my outburst, and Naomi looked like she didn’t know where to start. I was grateful. It would be better for us all if we didn’t acknowledge my unravelling.
Least said, soonest mended.
I tried to hold it in, to make it go away, but the tears coursed down my face. My breath juddered inwards and squeezed out again through clenched teeth with a whine. The tears were bitter and stung the back of my throat. My stomach muscles ached from gripping to the vestigial flicker of my self-esteem. I looked up and saw that Naomi was studying her hands with the concentration of a palm-reader, and Ruby was patting the rounded belly of the larger of the dogs.
Least said.
I pulled my sleeve over my hand, past the bruises that had almost disappeared, and wiped my nose on it. Still without looking up, Naomi passed me a box of tissues. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Pulled myself upright and swallowed hard.
Mended.
‘Sorry,’ I said, ‘I’ve not been sleeping. This has been hard for me.’
I pressed the tissue into the corners of my eyes.
‘I understand why you feel I should let him go, Ruby. But Naomi and I have discussed this at length. I did try to let him go and he attacked me. If we do it again, he’ll hurt us. I know it. And if he goes to the police, I’ll be arrested and then, when Phillip dies … well, my mother’s getting on a bit and there’s no one else to look after Alistair. I can’t lose him, Ruby.’
She came over and sat next to me, taking my hand in hers.
‘You’re scared,’ she said. ‘And that’s okay. But it won’t be as bad as you think it’ll be. I’ll talk to Pip. I’ll make him see that he was partly responsible for what has happened to him and tell him—’
‘You can’t reason with him,’ I interrupted.
‘I’ll tell him that if he doesn’t go to the police, neither will you. Pip’ll listen to me,’ she said with absolute confidence. ‘I know him better than anyone. He’s done stupid and rash things in the past, but only ever because he’s been hurting. It’s a defence mechanism, that’s all.’
Out of all of us, she was the only person he came close to respecting. She’d been a constant support in Phillip’s life. There was something about Ruby, when she spoke with such authority, that made you believe every word she said and, for a moment, I thought she might be right.
It was so simple. If he didn’t go to the police, we wouldn’t.
It wouldn’t solve the problem of keeping the house or arranging the will, but my biggest fear – that he would get custody of Alistair – was irrelevant, if he was terminally ill.
‘You might be right,’ I said. ‘But while it was fear that had me lock him up in the first place, it’s practicalities that make me want to keep him there. This is an … opportunity, if you like, to make sure he does right by us. We’re not ill-treating him, Ruby. I wonder … I wonder if you’d let us get Phillip to sign a few things before we let him go?’
‘You can’t take someone’s freedom away,’ Ruby said. ‘People fight and die for liberty. It’s no coincidence that the biggest punishment we have in our society is the removal of freedom. Imogen, I’m sure your heart is in the right place …’
‘Yes, and you’ve convinced me to let him go. I agree. All I’m asking is that we get his signature first.’
She took her hand off mine and leaned away from me slightly.
‘We’ll talk to him,’ she said. ‘But I won’t let him sign anything under duress.’
I sighed and went to get the keys from the kitchen.
Ruby wanted to see Phillip on her own. She said she’d get him to agree that he wouldn’t go to the police. I asked her to get assurances that he wouldn’t hurt us, either, but she shook her head gently as if I were deluded. She only believed what she wanted to believe and, at that moment, she wanted to believe the best of Phillip, not of me.
‘Oh, Pip! You poor, poor thing. Look at you, my darling!’
Her voice rang up the stairs from the cellar.
Phillip coughed.
I’d not noticed his cough before, but now I couldn’t ignore it. The signs of his deteriorating health were there, if I cared to look. I didn’t.
Perhaps I should have been more sympathetic. Surely someone other than me – dare I say better than me – would have spoken of him in gentler words? Most people revered the dead and the dying. No one was better than Death at propaganda. It made saints out of sinners, and those who had been so easily overlooked in life into people we couldn’t live without.
Ruby spent thirty minutes with Phillip and, when she came out, she went straight into the kitchen. Naomi and I waited. Lunch had passed us by without being marked with food. It had left us lethargic. Empty in stomach, head and hearts.
There were noises from the kitchen. A cupboard opening and closing. Drawers doing the same. I went to see what Ruby was looking for.
‘Can I help?’
‘There’s something a bit off about him – he’s slow.’ Ruby said. ‘I’m worried about concussion, but I’m going to start with getting him a nice cup of sweet tea. He’s refusing to drink the water. Says he thinks you’re drugging him. I told him that—’
‘I am.’
Ruby froze with a teaspoon in her hand. Forgetting, for a moment, what she was doing.
‘Run that one by me again?’ Her smile almost slipped, but she grabbed it at the last moment and pulled it back into line.
Her eyes, I noticed, were red-rimmed and puffy. Pained, no doubt, by the thought of Phillip dying. She was still in love with him. I failed to see how anyone who had spent years as his wife could still love a man like that, but Ruby was baffling in so many ways.
‘I put sleeping tablets in the water to slow him down,’ I said. ‘Not today, though. We need him to be lucid while he hears what we want from him. I’ve made a list of things to discuss.’
‘You mean demands?’ she said haughtily. Smile still in place.
‘Yes, if it’s not too demanding to ask him to ensure the safety of me and my son and not kick us out of our home. What did he say when you told him?’
‘He said he’d been nothing but fair, and that you got completely the wrong end of the stick.’
‘He would say that, wouldn’t he?’
Ruby made him tea with two sugars, poured a glass of water straight from the tap.
‘Yes,’ she agreed. ‘Just as you would say that he was treating you badly and deserved to be locked up. I’m not taking sides but …’
‘Yes, you are.’
‘But there’s always two sides to a story. If I was a suspicious person, I might say that you and Naomi have ganged up on a sick man in order to strip him of his assets. If I were unkind, I might say that you planned all of this together, and you’re planning to kill him.’
I almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of her statement, but if Phillip could convince her, then he might be able to convince the police too.
‘So you suggest we let him go and then, what? He’ll stick to his word and not take out his anger on me and Naomi? Can you put your hand on your heart and guarantee that he will walk away from this quietly?’
‘What exactly do you expect
him to do?’ Ruby asked, her voice rising with uncharacteristic anger. ‘He’s got cancer, bruised ribs and is suffering from concussion.’
‘Something living with Phillip taught me, Ruby, is never to underestimate your enemy.’
I couldn’t pretend that I wasn’t angry. Phillip was manipulating people again, though I didn’t think Ruby needed much persuasion, and he was about to get away again without facing the consequences. This was the first, last and only time in my life that I would have some control over Phillip, and it was an advantage I was reluctant to give up.
The three of us filed down the stairs, me at the back carrying the small silver keys that would release Phillip from any chance of doing what I asked.
‘Here, have some water, darling.’ Ruby sat by his side while Naomi and I hung back and watched.
With one hand, Ruby held a glass to Phillip’s lips. The other rubbed his back in small circular motions. She was revelling in her Florence Nightingale role. Naomi moved and stood over them with arms folded and head shaking. She wasn’t buying the poor, helpless invalid act any more than I was. There was no compassion in her eyes, but there was no hatred, either. She caught my eye and both of us raised our eyebrows in a can-you-believe-it arch.
We all wanted different things for and from Phillip. Ruby loved him, regardless of any actions he took. She was blind to his faults and, in that way, she was more mother than wife to him. She looked at him with such tenderness that it was painful to watch. As far as I knew, she hadn’t had another relationship since Phillip had left her. He kept throwing her just enough crumbs to keep her at his feet.
Naomi wanted Phillip out of her life. It was written all over her face. The impatience, the feigned boredom, the pursed lips holding back the many things she wanted to say. More than anything, though, she wanted this to be over. She wanted to put the pain and the fear behind her. In some ways, he’d been a father figure to her. He’d rescued her from a life of foster families and care homes and promised a brighter future. But he’d disappointed her, in that crushing way that only someone you love could do.
Phillip had always been better than me, cleverer than me. Always holding love at arm’s length, there for the taking if I could jump a little bit higher. He was nothing to me now, other than the father of my child, and it did me no credit to admit that I couldn’t wait for him to die.
He would not be at Alistair’s graduation or wedding. We would never again pose for photographs as a family or argue about how best to raise our son. A part of my life – a part that had held such promise once upon a time – was about to end. I was sad for the past, but glad of a future without him.
But still, I felt guilty. For my part in it, for thinking I could change the future, for doing to Phillip what he had done to me for years. For thinking that I knew better than he did. For believing that I could be the one to save us all.
‘I gather Ruby’s spoken to you about what we want to do?’ I said.
He coughed and nodded. ‘I was only trying to get things sorted financially so that I would know what the house was worth and make sure Naomi was well looked after too, when I … when I go.’ He looked at Naomi and smiled. She looked away.
‘You threatened us,’ I said. ‘You hurt us.’
‘I’ve done some things I’ve regretted. Can we put it behind us now and move on? Ruby’s going to help me draw up the will, aren’t you, Ruby?’
‘Yes, Pip.’
‘I don’t want us to fight … in the little time I’ve got left.’
Ruby pulled him closer and kissed the top of his head.
My hands were shaking, though it was hard to tell whether it was because of anger or fear. Phillip was being reasonable, there were two witnesses, so why was I still scared?
A sudden bang from the top of the stairs made us all jump. I wasn’t the only one on edge.
‘One of the dogs,’ said Ruby. ‘Must have brushed against the door and closed it.’
I could hear the clack-clack of dog paws on the tiled hallway floor and relaxed a little.
‘Okay then,’ I said. ‘I’ll unlock your cuffs, but I’m not going to lie to you, Phillip, I’m scared you’re going to do something to punish me for doing this, when you know I didn’t feel that I had any choice and …’
He put up his hand to stop me. ‘I get it. Really. I don’t know what I can do to convince you – any of you – that I’m not as bad as you think I am.’
There was a flicker of humanity behind his eyes. I wanted to believe that the cancer had changed his outlook, that the last day and a half had convinced him not to mess with us, but I wasn’t as trusting as I used to be.
He rubbed his hands together and his dry skin hissed like a snake passing over desiccated leaves.
I crouched by the side of the bed, and Phillip sat so that his shoes touched the floor.
I fumbled with the key a little, on purpose, and then I felt the click of the lock springing free. I let the chain and cuffs drop onto the floor, without taking my eyes off them. It was difficult to back down before Phillip.
I waited for him to get up, but I couldn’t look at him.
And that’s where I was, crouched on the floor, when Phillip kicked me in the face.
EIGHTEEN
10 days before the funeral
I fell to the floor, with my hands over my face. The pain was instantaneous and blinding. I blinked rapidly against blurred vision and touched my hands to my nose. It was tacky with blood. Warm, salty liquid coated my lips. My head was spinning.
‘Pip, no! What are you doing?’ Ruby’s voice came from far away.
Even through my pain I wanted to say, ‘I told you so.’
I was right. We couldn’t trust him.
I squinted up at Phillip, who was now standing taller than I’d ever seen him. His foot smashed into my ribs and I skidded sideways. If I hadn’t been sprawled across the floor, I would have laughed. How could I have let Ruby talk me into thinking that he would go quietly? Which one of us was more stupid?
Naomi screamed and I looked up to see her on Phillip’s back, with her arms clamped around his shoulders. She was stronger than she looked, but it didn’t count for much. Phillip took little effort to prise her off him. He turned, held her arm and slapped her around the side of the face. The sound bounced off the walls. It sounded like a Christmas cracker being pulled, but there would be no party hats.
Naomi fell on Ruby and both toppled onto the bed. Naomi scrambled to get up, but kept falling. I pulled myself backwards across the floor, away from the nightmare. Phillip was on the rampage, beating anyone in his path, and all I could do was watch.
My breath was catching in my chest, the familiar feeling of panic-tightened lungs causing me to wheeze. Phillip had Ruby’s hair in one hand and Naomi’s in the other. He dragged them both off the bed, taking sheets and pillows with them. Ruby’s hands were on his forearms, trying to get free. Her bangles were jangling again. Naomi was swearing and kicking out, but the impact made no difference to Phillip and he pushed her to her knees.
Ruby began shouting, ‘Pip, no! Think about what you’re doing!’ She was alarmed, her eyes wider than I thought possible. Now do you see? I thought. Do you?
He threw Ruby at my feet, where she cowered into a ball. It was one thing for Phillip to be the person you always knew him to be, but to Ruby this must have been a shock. Phillip pivoted and kicked Naomi hard in the stomach. She groaned as the air left her body and doubled over, leaning her forehead on the floor. I felt like I was watching something too ludicrous to be true, a bout of theatrical wrestling.
Phillip turned in my direction, but it was Ruby he was looking at. He picked the cuffs up and smacked one side over Ruby’s wrist and squeezed it tight. The other end he attached to the radiator.
‘See how you like it!’ he said.
Ruby’s mouth fell open and she stared at her wrist.
Naomi was on her feet again with a hand on her stomach. She circled the bed, not blinking. Before she coul
d reach him, Phillip pushed out with two hands into her chest. She flew backwards, tripping over the arm of the chair, and fell with a thump. Phillip laughed as he went to straddle her, pinning her arms with his knees.
He tightened his hands around her smooth throat. His shoulders tensed and his head vibrated with the pressure he was exerting. Naomi’s legs bucked as she tried to kick him off her, but he was too heavy. Too strong.
Ruby was screaming over and over. ‘Pip. No! Stop it! Pip. For God’s sake, no!’ She was straining at the cuffs and trying to reach them.
I could taste my own blood in my mouth as I pushed myself up against the wall. I was at the bottom of the stairs, trying to think in a straight line. To run and get help or to stay and be help. I didn’t know anything other than I couldn’t leave Naomi and Ruby with this monster.
I looked around the room for something to use on him, but I’d been careful to take away anything that Phillip could use as a weapon. Quickly but quietly I ran behind him, scared that he would turn round, but he couldn’t hear anything over the sound of Naomi’s gasps.
Her face was deep red and her eyes were bulging. I picked up the side-table, holding a table leg in each shaking hand, took a deep breath and smashed it around the side of Phillip’s head. The noise shot through the cellar. Ruby stopped screaming, and Naomi sucked in deep breaths.
I let go of the table and covered my mouth with the back of my hand. Phillip had released Naomi, but was only momentarily stunned. He turned to face me slowly. He was angry but not surprised. At that moment, I was as scared of Phillip as I had ever been. His eyes were hard discs and his mouth was curled into a sneer. Before he could move, I grabbed a handful of his hair and smashed my knee into his face. I missed his nose, but his eye socket cracked under the impact. I cried out in shock.
Phillip should have stopped. He should have gone down, hurt, realising that he was outnumbered, overpowered, that we weren’t to be messed with, but he grabbed my arm as he fell. We tumbled together in slow motion. I smacked my head on the side of the bed and was jerked out of his grasp. He rolled away and sprang to his feet in one easy movement. He wouldn’t be caught off-guard again.
