Being Celeste

by Tshetsana Senau

  Mum asked me about Kate in the evening and I had nothing to tell her. I just explained that I hadn’t heard from her in a while. She was shocked because I’m usually on the phone with her when I’m at home. She even made her own tea, that’s how shocked she was. This was not fun anymore.

  ******************

  It was Friday, the day Kate would return to her roots. I was so excited. Even though we had not spoken in four and a half days, which was killing my inside, I was excited. I woke up with a warm feeling inside me, just oozing with all sorts of positive energy. I wanted to fly because I felt I could if I wanted. I was a carrier of different kinds of interesting news, and Kate had her own baggage. Maybe I would stay over at the resort she calls her home and we can share our experiences. I had been really distant to the boys at the gym, my new friends. Even at tae-bo the previous day, Steve called me out for not releasing a powerful jab. I couldn’t be bothered, and I gave him a look. After I was done on the treadmill, which was like a ten minute thing, I felt like leaving. But that would mean opening the shop an hour early. It was really cold outside. The sun was shinning but the air was cool. But I couldn’t wait to see Kate, that is.

  “Hey Celeste,” said a deep voice from behind me.

  I was just getting ready to hop off the treadmill. I turned to look at who it was, interrupting the planning that was going on in my head. It was Taboka. You know, life is really funny sometimes. What used to be my wish had just come true, but I couldn’t care less about it. The fact that my heart didn’t jump for joy or that I wasn’t freaking out, said a lot. I even shocked myself. Because I didn’t want to seem like a rude or cranky person, I forced myself to reply. “Hi,” I said, switching off the treadmill and getting off. The gym was really busy, busier than usual. I had never seen so many people determined to get fit in the wee hours of the morning. Another strange thing, that made me pause my life and think about it, was that, Taboka had come all the way over to me, to greet me. He hardly ever says a word when I’m talking with Thabang.

  “Thabang is not here today,” he continued.

  That’s when I remembered why I fell for him in the first place, his perfect face. He was really tall, so my head was tilted upwards, listening to him telling me something that I had no use for. I wanted to say so what? But that would be rude. Maybe Thabang told him to deliver a message or something.

  I smiled. “Okay.”

  I was about to leave when he said: “So I guess it’s just you and me today.”

  What?

  “Err, okay.” I had no idea what to say to that. I resisted the temptation to dissect the statement and find its true meaning. Making a change in my life had taught me to be immune to Taboka. The dude had cost me so much money which I had lost to a jar dedicated to him, when I was in rehab. Therefore when he says things, my mind is programmed to ignore them or not read too much into them. He wants me to work out with him. Maybe he just missed his cousin and wanted someone to talk to. Kind of like what is happening to me with Kate. I would play along, because we have a lot in common at present.

  He led me to the bikes and got onto one of them. I hesitated joining him, because I was a little anxious and I wanted to leave the gym and wait for Kate at home. In my head, the shop was going to be closed for the day just in Kate’s honour. I hopped on, I didn’t want to be a wet blanket and ruin the mood. I think I was a little too confident for my liking, kind of like how you feel when you are popular or important amongst your peers. Taboka started pedalling, his strong arms, holding onto the steering thing in the front. I’ve always wondered what it’s called; blame me for never learning how to ride a bike. He was wearing a navy blue tank top and long, black tracksuit pants. It boggles my mind why someone would wear a tank top in the cold. There was no air conditioning in the gym, believe it or not, and the front door was always wide open...wait, hang on! This one is going to work against me. He’s probably feeling hot from all the working out. I would feel hot too, but I walked the whole time I was on the treadmill. What’s that, 10 calories lost?

  “So Celeste,” he called, in between pedalling like crazy on the bike.

  I turned my attention from his pedalling to face him. I was already on my bike, I was just a little distracted by his pedalling. It was gripping. I widened my eyes to show him that I was listening. He looked rather uneasy and nervous about something. Maybe it was the calories he was burning. It hurts when they burn, and all the sweat drapes all over your body as a result.

  He stopped pedalling for a moment and looked at me, his breathing a little elevated. “I really like you, Celeste,” he said, pulling a towel up to his face to dab the sweat off his forehead. “And I want to take you out on a date.”

  What? At that moment my heart beat was through the roof. I was there, staring at him, but looking like I was just hit with a hot towel on my face and left wondering what it was that hit me. Shit! I didn’t see that one coming. What does he mean he likes me? He’s not supposed to like me, I’m Celeste. I kept wondering if this was a big old joke, and someone was going to come out and call me out for being an idiot for believing that Taboka, the boy I used to stalk, actually wants to go out with me. All these feelings from the past came rushing back into my head and all I could think about was what a perfect husband he would make one day. I relapsed. But he didn’t know that. He was just sitting on his bike, waiting for some sort of reaction from me. I didn’t know how to react except look like a lost puppy at the mall. Again, I had that feeling where you don’t get the memo that the costume party has been cancelled, and you show up looking like an idiot in a costume, when everyone is wearing normal clothes. The rug was pulled from under me without my knowledge (yes, that’s a much better metaphor). How did I miss it? I’m a relationship expert. Of course, that’s why Thabang was being so nice to me; he wanted to butter me up for the big feast, Taboka, the most handsome man I’ve ever seen in my life. But what do I say to him? Of course I want to jump up and down and express the joy that’s within me, but I’ve never really actually prepared myself for this, just like all the other situations leading up to this moment. Honestly, my life is such a boring loser-ville, that no real guy has ever come up to me and asked me out, or said they like me. Especially a guy I’m attracted to. Sure of course, there are the odd exceptions like those men who act out in lust and whistle at you in the street. But what do I say? It would be a horrible idea to go out with a guy I used to be obsessed with. He finding out what I used to do would freak him out, heck it freaks me out. But I love him (well, not really, I love the image of him that I manifested in my head), and he doesn’t know it yet. (I can’t believe his awesome and delicious voice just uttered those words to me. I like you.) Gosh, I don’t know what to say to him.

  My voice was trapped inside that place I can never figure out. But I forced something out. “Yes.” It was a whisper, I think. But I’m sure he could make out the movement my lips were making.

  I watched his face beaming with delight from my answer. It was like the best news he’d ever gotten in a long time. I wanted to cry. These were precious moments. There are things in life, moments that I think are so important that they stick to your mind forever. And these moments I presume are ‘firsts’ or ‘first times’. (I know I’ve mentioned this before.) I will never forget the image, when Taboka looked to me for approval, instead of the other way around. The image of when he actually smiled because I was making his wish come true. Then I’m sure there’ll be others in my future, like my first date, kiss, third base, etc. I am going to cherish this one in particular. The time I got asked out on a date. Wait, but what was I doing? I wasn’t sure I liked him anymore. The old me, worshiped him, which is why I might have said I’d go out with him. But the truth is, I liked his cousin Thabang more. I didn’t realise it at first, but the feelings just kind of showed up. Yes, I admit it, the fool has got me on a leash and I feel hung up on him. I didn’t want to admit it to myself by clouding my judgment with all these questions about whether or not he likes me,
but I like him, a lot. I want him to ask me out. I wish he was part of the first date. Now Taboka, the idiot has gone and ruined it all for me. Taboka is just part of my past now. But then again, I don’t know. Maybe I needed to get one out of the way like I always say.

  “Great. How about lunch?” he said, with a wide grin on his face. I don’t think I had ever seen him smile before. He was always hiding behind his cousin.

  I wasn’t completely sure of how I felt, exactly. I was a little confused from the moment and the events. I just wanted to leave already. I grabbed my sweat towel, which I was hanging on the bike handle thing.

  “I’m sorry, I have to get going,” I said. I think I kind of broke his heart, I don’t know. I just rushed to the change rooms and didn’t look back. I think I left him in a state of confusion. He was left wondering whether or not I wanted a lunch date or not. But it was kind of a liberating moment. I also felt a surge of confidence empower my every being. Like I could have been the biggest bitch on the planet at that moment, and it felt good. I left a guy like Taboka hanging at my heels. Where’s Kate when I need a hi-five.

  I arrived at the boutique still pinching my arm, wondering if I were in a dream. After several pinches I even went as far as slapping myself to see if I’d wake up already. I got a couple of weird stares from the public, and they should mind their own business. But I wasn’t dreaming, and even if I were, I didn’t want to wake up. However, this whole deal with Taboka got me thinking a whole lot about life and love. Part of the reason why I left the gym so quickly was that I had no idea how to react in such situations where a guy tells me he likes me. Sure, I watch a lot of movies, but they are just movies, and I’ve come to realise that. If I don’t like a guy, how do I let him know without trashing his feelings? Do I just agree to going out with him in the spirit of being spontaneous, or what? A part of me was just mad that I would even think twice about going out with Taboka. But things are hard because I really liked Thabang now. He’s the one who was nice to me and talked to me and offered to workout with me.

  The shop was really cold inside. I walked over to the air conditioner and turned on the heater. But I feel the cold was because of the loneliness. That’s one disadvantage of having only one best friend. When they are not available and you need help, there is nothing you can do about it except burst from all the information kept inside. I kept on wondering how Kate was going to catch up. A lot has happened. I tried her cell phone again and she still wasn’t picking up. I was crazy. I would never get a chance like this one in my life. I would take Taboka out on his offer for lunch. I had his phone number, but he didn’t know that. It would be an awkward conversation we’d have when he asks me where I got his number because he didn’t remember giving it to me.

  I had no idea why I was so out of love with Taboka. It just happened. It’s like when a child discovers that there is no Father Christmas, or that cartoons are not real, but clever drawings made by grownups. That is the disappointment that I got when I finally met him and got to know him, I don’t know how, it just happened. I also think he’s a little immature. Kate was right about the cougar thing, I guess. I was organising some of the clothes in their respective sizes when a customer entered. I was not in the mood to work at all, but what do you do when you have a business? I needed my best friend, but that point was already too clear. After the customer left, several more came knocking at my store. I guessed that this was going to be a good day. I even got a visit from Naledi, the ring leader of the group of girls I helped before. She was there to tell me about the party she was going to have soon, and that she needed me to style her. She was there to book me, I guess. I was so delighted by her news, which also took my mind off a couple of things. Naledi is such a darling, treating me like an exclusive package. She’s rich too.

  At tea time, I was preparing to close off the shop and go home to wait on news of Kate’s arrival. I was helping out a customer with a sale. Meanwhile, the place was swarming with individuals. I realised that it was a little too early to knock off, but as manager, I reserve the right to go home early if I’m not feeling well. Besides, I was satisfied with the sales I had made. It had been an unusually busy morning, and I deserved a reward for my troubles.

  “Looks like it will be sunny all day today,” said a voice behind the customer I was helping.

  I was having a little trouble with the cash register. It wouldn’t print out any receipts. So I had opened it up, trying to see what the problem was. I never worked the cash register, it was Kate’s thing. I mingled with the people. Anyway, I didn’t look up, in fact I ignored the voice because I thought the statement was not directed to me. However, it sounded rather familiar, and the fact registered at the back of my mind, not enough to alert me though.

  “Excuse me, Celeste, hi,” said the voice once more.

  My head shot up when I immediately realised who it was. It was Thabang, right behind my customer. But why is he here to talk about the weather? What a lame way to get my attention. Instead he should have said: What you thought was my cousin asking you out this morning, was actually me. Want to grab a lunch? Not to talk about the sunny skies on the coldest of days. But either way, my dorky smile appeared and I think I looked like an idiot, in a good way. I don’t know why I never regarded him as a possible candidate to be loved by me, before. My face lit up so bright, it was about to crack from all the light. He was so cute.

  “Hi!” I managed to say. These days I was a different woman, I knew how to communicate with the opposite sex and hold a strong sense of composure. I managed to fix the register just in time. “One second,” I said to Thabang. He nodded and wandered off to look at the new line of tackies at the shoe section. Athletes! I thought. I finished my business with the customer, who was going all out buying different kinds of dresses. I think I made a grand with her. After she walked away, Thabang hurried over to my side, a warm smile on his face. I just love the way he smiles every time he sees me. I wonder if it’s a specific smile meant for me or if it’s his nature. What a well mannered boy.

  “I missed you at the gym this morning,” he said. He was rather shy about his statement.

  Now I’m not one to calculate things prematurely (well, actually I am). Maybe that’s what I used to do before I became mature and confident, but I had a hunch about where this conversation was going. It’s really obvious. It’s almost the same feeling you get when you’re watching a movie and you know what the guy is going to say the girl. I pretend paused time to dissect his statements. So we missed each other at the gym today, why is he here to tell me about it? I mean duh! I know we didn’t see each other because he didn’t come. I’ve seen it in the movies I watch. He likes me, doesn’t he? Yes, yes, yes, yes! Success! He likes me, he likes me! Call the angels in the heavens and ring the bell of victory, he likes me! He thinks I’m a babe...wait, what? But how is that possible. Thinking about the events in the morning with Taboka, right now, anything is possible. He is probably here to tell me that he wants to grab me right now and kiss the shit out of me...because I’m a babe. Yes, I said it! Wait, but what if he decides to grab me out of the blue and kiss me? I don’t think I’d be prepared for that. I’ve never been kissed, and I don’t know how. Boy it would be disappointing for him; grabbing me and hoping for something passionate, with skill, and here I am, never been kissed guru. That would chase him off for good. So whatever happens, don’t kiss him yet. Kate and I should hold a special class for how to kiss. I’ve only seen it done in the movies, and she’s had real life experience. As soon as I get a hold of her, we are doing it. But it better be soon, because life right now is going pretty fast in the action department for me.

  “Celeste?” he called, giving me a little look of worry.

  I guess I got a little carried away. “Yes, the gym!” I replied with a little squeak in my voice. “Your cousin told me you couldn’t make it.”

  “I had rough morning, I had to stay behind.”

  I gave him a slight nod and smile. Then there was the awkwar
d silence. I just hate them, because I don’t like fishing for topics in my head. It bugs me that I have to go in it and look for things to talk about. They are usually just nonsense. Besides, they pry attention from what’s really important: being told I’m a babe. This is a tough industry, dating. Love. The shop was slowly losing population. For once it was a good thing because I could now pay Thabang my full and undivided attention, instead of looking two places at once. You know, for those shop lifters and those customers who need help but aren’t really buying anything. As soon as the last of them left, I was going to lock the shop, because I have to get home.

  “So...” I was sensing that I was supposed to reply him after his last statement. So he had a rough morning, should I ask him for the details or add on to that? “It’s going to be sunny all day,” I finally said.

  He did what I had been waiting for, subconsciously, he laughed. It wasn’t a joke and I wasn’t mocking him, but he laughed. I broke the ice too. His laugh was infectious so I joined in as well. Oh what a joyous day it was turning out to be. I spotted the last of the customers leaving so I rushed to the entrance and shut the doors. Thabang looked at me all dazed and confused.

  I smiled. “I’m closing early today.”

  “Oh, because I thought you were holding me hostage.” I watched his face renewing a smile.