Being Celeste

by Tshetsana Senau

  He led me outside the gym entrance. My heart was pumping because I imagined that he wanted to give me a quick snog or something. What’s with the talking outside of the gym thing? And he was holding my hand, sort of dragging me out. I felt so shy and embarrassed. I didn’t mind being pulled around though as long as it was by him. But I shouldn’t have been shy however, because I had no idea what the holding hands meant. He could have been dragging me because he wanted me to hurry up, and not the exclusive in a relationship kind of holding hands.

  “What’s going on?” I asked, feeling a little hyper active inside; the heart was beating out of control.

  “I um- it’s a little noisy in there from all the music, I just wanted to talk to you...about that offer I made you last Friday.”

  Offer? Is he calling our date an offer? I was a little dubious about where this conversation was going, but I had to stop expecting so much. So what, he’s offering to hang out with me out of pity?

  “Oh?” I said.

  “Could we do it today, say lunch time?”

  Oh shit! I didn’t anticipate this little blunder in my plans. How should I handle this one? But I couldn’t possibly cancel with Taboka, because I had to make him see that I was not attracted to him; and I couldn’t tell Thabang the truth about lunch time because I didn’t want to ruin their relationship, and possibly have Thabang think that I was into Taboka instead of him (what a complication. Breathe!).

  “Um, I kind of have plans at lunch time,” I said. He had a frown on his face after I said it. It’s so cute that I’m disappointing him with my busy schedule. “How about in the afternoon when I knock off?”

  “That’s fine with me. Today we actually have a day off from boot camp, I’ll see you then.”

  “Are you leaving?” that question just popped out of my mouth, I didn’t mean it to happen.

  “Yes, I have to go and get ready for this afternoon and plan and stuff. I’ll pick you up at the shop. See you, Celeste.”

  He squeezed my hand and then left. Now there’s a romantic bowl of cuteness. He’s going to pick me up so that we can go on our date together, unlike some people I know. It is a little odd however that he doesn’t know that I have a lunch date with Taboka, or the fact that he’s into me. I thought they were two peas in a pod. Have they ever heard of dibs? If I like a guy, I tell Kate all about it...oh no, there she is again, popping into my thoughts. I told her countless times last night before I went to sleep, that I didn’t want her there. I sent out some telepathy signals.

  The morning in the shop was lonely and the traffic was slow. I think I made one sale. I was very bored and all I could think about was calling Kate, because I kept on forgetting that we were not friends anymore. It was rather refreshing when I hailed a taxi to go and meet with Taboka. Finally, the time had come. I should have brought my camera with, so that I could take a picture of myself going on a first date. I was wearing my new purple blouse and blue jeans, and I looked as stylish as ever. I felt like I was walking on clouds and I was oozing with confidence. I was so high up, that I couldn’t even see the ground. When I arrived at the restaurant, I kept on reminding myself to go with the flow. I was about to play the role of a heartbreaker so I had to be prepared for anything.

  I sat at a table that was facing the entrance. Taboka was not there yet. I had hoped that I wasn’t too early. If I were to be the one in control, I had to be the late one, make him wait. The nice waitress kept on passing by me, hoping I’d call her and make an order. I’m sure she wanted to tell me that only customers were allowed to sit inside. Well, I don’t know, she gave me a look that said it. So I ordered a juice, to pass the time. In the movies, the man always pays, so this was going to go on Taboka’s credit. I already made a purchase on a purple top. He’s the one who asked me out after all. But since I was going to disappoint him, I would probably have to wait until he paid for everything before I broke it to him that we were not going to go forward with what he had in mind. I don’t want to piss him off and then expect him to pay for lunch. I wasn’t even sure that he was much of a gentleman, asking me to meet him on his date.

  My juice was finished and I was still waiting on Taboka. I think an hour had passed. I don’t like waiting on other people, in fact, if you want to really push my buttons, make me wait! My neck was tired from me looking up, every time I saw someone at the entrance.

  “Ugh, where the fuck is that idiot?” I whispered under my breath. When I become agitated, I start talking to myself and I don’t care who’s watching me.

  Another half hour passed me by, and I was just sitting there with an empty glass, just waiting. People kept coming and going, coming and going! People having their meetings, and glad to see their punctual counterparts; coming and going, and enjoying their lunches. I started to feel a little embarrassed because I was there, in my new clothes, possibly being stood up. I felt like crap, and I was hungry. I knew I was eating out, so I reserved the right to avoid eating a lot prior to coming to the restaurant. You know how you don’t want the normal crappy food you eat on daily basis to ruin your appetite? I finally called the waitress over. By then I was paranoid and insecure, so I felt the way she looked at me was rather rude. It was as if she was making fun of the fact that I had been stood up. The air smelled like frying food and crispy morsels, being served up to people who had a purpose. I was there for no reason, I guess.

  “I’ll have a vegetarian burger, to go please,” I said. I was rather weak from my hunger, I’d probably eat it on my way back to work, something I was neglecting of late. Is it wrong to say that the shop is not fun anymore because it reminds me of Kate?

  “Coming right up!” exclaimed the nice waitress, grabbing the long overdue menu from in front of me.

  I watched her happily walking away, doing her job. It’s a great feeling, knowing what you’re going to do. She’s going to place an order for my burger (something I shouldn’t be having), while I have no idea what has just happened to me. Sure of course, I shouldn’t be bummed because I don’t like Taboka, but being stood up is some whole other kind of shit. Here I am, all dressed up, for nothing! I had also planned a lot, for this lunch date. Then it’s the issue of it being my first date. How am I going to record it in my life events? First date: stood up. I had his number, but I wasn’t going to call him. He had my number too, and he should have called me, if there was a problem. So I started thinking all sorts of probabilities. He was probably mugged on his way here and they took everything, even his phone. So he had to walk all the way back to his boot camp place to try and get a hold of me. No, that’s obvious. His transport broke down or crashed into something, causing him to be preoccupied. Or he’s just a douche bag who asks girls out and doesn’t show up.

  After fifteen minutes, my order was up and I left as fast as I could, back to work. Well, that was a total waste of time. I consoled myself with the fact that I was in possession of a really juicy burger and that Thabang was taking me out later. I wouldn’t change my clothes. Then it hit me, maybe Taboka stood me up because Thabang told him about our date later. I might have been out in the plain. But I chose to be positive about everything. My little white lie was not going to ruin my plans.

  Mark it as the day I’ll never forget...or time period, that’s still fine. I waited for two hours at the shop for Thabang. Go ahead, say it! If I’m psychic, then my hunch was correct and the guys finally told each other about me. But why would they stand me up? Why wouldn’t one of them at least call and tell me the situation, given me a chance to explain myself? I felt like such an idiot, a fat idiot with nothing but shame and insecurity to my resume. How could I have been so stupid, thinking that guys like Thabang and Taboka could actually be interested in a girl like me? Kate was right. I want to feel betrayed, but what was I expecting anyway, a happy ending? I need to remind myself more often than usual, that I don’t live in the movies and things like that don’t just happen to girls like me. I felt destroyed inside, with no hope for recovery. Like when something breaks your
bones, and while you’re waiting for them to heal, something else comes in and breaks them some more! I felt so humiliated and I wanted the earth to just open up and swallow me whole, this time for real. I wanted to disappear and never come back. I wanted to be free and absent from people’s eyes. Why is it always me then, the one with a problem? Why am I always faced with challenges? Why couldn’t they have showed up as planned and fucking taken me out on my first date? Will I ever have a boyfriend, what’s wrong with me?

  I hadn’t realised I was crying until I felt a chill from the drying tears, on my way back home. It was seven in the evening and it was super dark and cold. I kept on wondering if I’d get home safely. If anything would happen to me, how would I explain my whereabouts to the people concerned? I was waiting to be stood up by a jerk and his cousin, and they didn’t even bother to call and tell me that it was not happening. What hurt the most is that I thought Thabang had manners, but I guess not. I thought that he really liked me. I actually thought that I had a real chance at love this time. I felt crushed, but the whole time, all I could think about was Kate and how she’d be there to console me. I missed my best friend, but we were not friends anymore. She’s also part of the reason why I’m hurting. I hoped she was happy, wherever she was.

  When I got home, I wiped down my face from the tears, so that I walked in the house all normal and happy. I didn’t want to alarm anyone. It was rather quiet inside the house. Mum was probably watching the news, while dad was sitting behind her, pretending to read the newspaper. Or maybe they were in the kitchen, waiting for me to come home so that I could make them some tea.

  I don’t think I’ve ever been this hurt in my life by people around me. The tears were just there, waiting to burst out. I entered the house and walked to my room. I had to pass through the living room though, to get to my room. To my surprise, there were my parents, sitting in silence, and my sister in the far sofa, with a good looking man next to her. At first it didn’t ring a bell but then I remembered our family meeting. Shoot! I forgot about the family meeting. I was probably three hours late for it and they were going to give me hell for it. Well, it’s not my fault I have to work. Why didn’t they call to remind me? There, again. I don’t know if people haven’t realised that I have a phone which could use a call once in a while to alert me of things I may forget. I saw my sister, sitting in the light, looking at me with beady eyes, like I had committed the ultimate crime of crimes. Ugh! And Kate thinks I’m self centred, she probably doesn’t know my sister.

  “Finally!” said mum, “You decided to finally show up.”

  I really wasn’t in the mood for any shrewd comments about my whereabouts. I was so fragile that anything could set me off crying. I also wasn’t in the mood for a family meeting. I wanted to go to my room and think!

  “Shall we begin then,” said dad, signalling me to take a seat.

  I presumed the man sitting next to my sister was her fiancé. Maybe I need this meeting. It ought to take my mind off things. I took a seat next to my parents, and my sister looked really nervous. I’m glad the problems I have to deal with right now in my life, are first date politics.

  Chapter 16

  So as it turns out, my parents are ecstatic about my sister’s engagement. Bontle’s beaming eyes were predominant through out the whole evening and as usual, she was the centre of attention. No one could care less that I was going through some shit. I don’t blame them. Her fiancé is really good looking, I’m proud of my sister for landing what seems like a good man. Apparently he’s already divorced, so it was easy to convey the news to my parents. We were all happy, and I made everyone some tea. Rooibos! I think I was more shocked at my parents’ reception than my sister. I had a feeling that they would totally blow the relationship out of proportion, and ban my sister from marrying him. Just goes to show how much, my parents can surprise me.

  I was really out of it, afterwards. I went to my room for a little breather and didn’t come out until the morning. But something amazing happened. I know I should be all soppy and depressed about my social life being potentially over. I mean there’s no better way of looking at things. I’ve lost my best friend, and now looking back, I kind of regret that. Actually, I regret it a lot. I wish I had never fought with her. I miss Kate. I was stood up by two good looking boys, something that was possibly my fault, because I lied. But then I thought about it, a whole lot and it’s not the end of the world, really. There are some people out there in the world going through deeper shit than mine. People who feel like the stuff in the shit, actually; and I’m better off. I should be thankful for what I have and work with it, instead of fretting over things that are not that important. That’s not it, though, the reason I feel so high up in the sky again. I finally figured out what I’m going to do with my life and it’s fantastic. It came just at the same time as my reassurance. I’m going to be a fashion designer and stylist, yes! Last night, while I was lying in bed, in the dark, I got this sudden urge to draw. So I got out a sketch pad and I started drawing out an outfit. I used to draw models on the runway when I was little, but the hobby was left behind with the years. So it’s like the only thing I can draw, models on the runway. I wish I could feel inspired and grab a paint brush instead, but that’s all I could come up with; a good looking body wearing an incredible outfit. It was like a light bulb, just switching on. I thought I had no direction, living in a dark tunnel, without knowing where it was leading to, and then the lights went on. If two boys want to stand me up, well it’s their problem because they don’t know what they’re missing out on. I am fucking fantastic, and I’m going to be a fashion designer and stylist. I’m sure people like Naledi will be pleased with my decision. The only problem now is telling my parents. I’m sure they are going to try and bring me down. Who has ever heard of successful fashion gurus in this country? I sure haven’t.

  I hadn’t seen the boys at the gym in the morning, probably hiding from me. Jerks! Why can’t they be men and face the music. I’m not going to bitch about being stood up, in fact no one will ever know about it. I saw Steve and Trevor, talking at the reception and laughing. The laughing got so out of hand that for a moment, I wanted to think that they were laughing at me. But the truth is they weren’t laughing at me and I wasn’t going to let my paranoia get the best of me. But it’s kind of hard not to feel at my lowest every now and then, feel like I’m the joke of the town.

  I’ve decided to reconcile with Kate. I can’t live without my best friend by my side, whether she’s in a different continent or not. Now I realise that I was being selfish and I need to make up with her before it’s too late. Kate and I are practically sisters and I let my jealousy get the better of me. I feel like an idiot. The truth is, after finding direction, I can see clearly now. The reason why I was so angry at Kate is because part of me, felt a little jealous that she had found something she was going to do with her life, something that I’ve wanted to have, hence my jealousy to my older sister. I tried to control her into giving up something she loved, just because it didn’t suit me and for that, I deserved a worst friend of the year award. I realised it and I accepted it. I was at the shop, just playing with the idea in my head: to call or not to call?

  Her number was still on speed dial, so I dialled the number 8 on my cellphone and called her. Her phone was ringing...really. I could hear her ringtone playing in the distance. I have it bad, don’t I? I looked up, startled by the coincidence.

  “Hi Celeste.”

  It was Kate! Talk about ‘speak of the devil’. It was Kate, in the store...standing there among other customers. I didn’t say anything to her, as I was too excited to speak. But I didn’t see her enter the store. This goes to show that I haven’t been fit to run the boutique, because my thoughts have taken over my life. Someone could walk out with a piece of clothing and I wouldn’t notice, that’s if that hasn’t already happened.

  “Celeste, I’m sorry about breaking our pact,” she said.

  It was quite unexpected, she just s
howed up out of nowhere. It was probably our telepathy thing that brought her over. She knew I was hurting over our fight and she knew that we had to fix things, just as I did. Then I tried to call her at the exact same time that she walked into the store. That’s true friendship, right there. I rushed over to her and we hugged.

  “I’m so sorry Kate, I’ve been so horrible to you.” I couldn’t keep back the tears, they just came out forcefully. Kate started to cry too.

  “No, I was the horrible friend,” she replied, choking from her crying.

  Okay, we were both horrible friends to one another. I hoped that this was lesson to the both of us.

  “I want you to know that I’m happy for you, Kate. In fact, I am proud of you and excited.”

  “Really?” she smiled beyond the limit.

  “Really. And you know, since I’m going to be a fashion designer, it’s probably best that I have a supermodel on speed dial, to come and model my clothes.”

  “A fashion designer? No way, Celeste!”

  We started jumping up and down, still holding hands and shrieking like never before. I think the customers in the boutique thought we were a couple of mental cases, but they should be used to us by now.

  “When?” asked Kate.

  “Last night. I’d say it just happened really. The thought just came to me spontaneously and I knew it.”

  “I guess it all worked out in the end. We found something we both love, that’s in the same industry. Where are you going to school?”

  “I really want to go to New York with you, I haven’t decided yet. We probably can’t afford it, but if so, then I’ll settle for a school in South Africa.”

  We started doing our victory dance. This was the feeling I had been searching for all my life. Happiness, guilt free happiness!

  I had accomplished a lot thus far. I feel more confident with myself, my image and my friendship with Kate.