Being Celeste

by Tshetsana Senau

  What?

  My eyes grew wide open. “She did?”

  “Yes!” exclaimed Kate, almost relieved that I was responding to her news. “She said she was actually on vacation here in Botswana. She’s from New York City in America, but she just couldn’t resist. I believe her words were “I may be on vacation, but I’m not going to let you slip through my fingers”. So, she had me walk in the shop for her, to see if I was capable of walking on the runway. Afterwards, she talked to the show’s producers and asked if she could borrow me for a day.”

  “Kate?” my heart was beating really fast, because I was getting excited for Kate.

  “I know, right? So on Wednesday, I found out that Nelly K. had organised a photo shoot for me. She said because I was raw and inexperienced, it made my look even fresher. She sent my shots to her bosses in America and they loved me. I was then asked to join their modelling agency. All of it happened so fast, I had no time to catch my breath. I didn’t know what was going on.”

  “That’s all exciting, Kate, but I don’t get it. Why can’t you come to the shop tomorrow? Because the people at the modelling agency loved your fresh look?” I asked, acting a little dense. I knew what she meant.

  “I told them that I needed time to think about it and talk to my family first. The thing is, if I sign a contract with them, I’m going to have to move to New York and live there while I’m on my contract.”

  “Wait, what? Kate, why didn’t you tell them that you were not interested?” I felt a surge of confusion coming along.

  “Actually Celeste, I’m going to do it. I didn’t realise this at first, but I think I’d like to be a model, a supermodel. It sounds fun and exciting and I have the body for it.”

  “Hold on right there, Kate! But what happens to our pact to go to the same college and study the same major?” I was feeling betrayed and angry at the same time. What does she mean she wants to be a supermodel? A week ago she was a mono coloured train wreck.

  “Celeste, I thought you’d be happy for me?”

  At that moment I saw a new side to Kate, a side where we were not in the same frequency.

  “How could I be happy for you, when you’re planning to break our pact?”

  “Our pact? More like your pact! It’s always about you, isn’t it? Why can’t you be happy that I’ve found something to do with my life?”

  I shot up, in anger and released a ridiculous laugh. “Something to do with your life? Need I remind you that it’s because of me that you even went to the city in the first place? I’m the reason you even got scouted and you have the nerve to call me selfish?” I felt a rush of adrenaline go through me. I knew that there would be regrets after this argument was over. “I’m not selfish, dear Kate, you are!”

  “Celeste, I didn’t ask you to enter me into a makeover show. No, you did that out of your own free will because for some reason, you didn’t like the way I dressed. I was perfectly fine with myself and who I was. But because you aren’t satisfied with the person you are, you have to automatically think that I am that way too. Yes, you’re the reason I was in the city, because you want to control everything, like always. If it’s not how you see it, it’s not right!”

  Is she really going there? This is the thanks I get for trying to introduce her to new things.

  “If you were so perfectly fine with your style, then why are you considering jetting off to a new continent to become a model?”

  “Because I want to do it! You know what Celeste, I’m the one working in your parents’ shop, not the other way around. You have a future set for you, to fall back on if you don’t find what you want to do in life. I can’t stay there with you forever and wait for you to pick our destiny. I want to be something and travel the world and see people. I’m tired of feeling bad because your insecurities won’t allow you to take any steps forward!”

  “But we promised each other, that we’d do the same thing. Why are you trying to get out of that?”

  “I’m not getting out of anything. I just want you to be happy for me, like I’m always happy for you; like I’m always there for you, when you need me.”

  I was so furious with Kate. “Well, I have to disappoint you Kate. I will never wish you well. You’ve betrayed me and I can never look past that!”

  “Fine, be like that. I don’t give a fuck what you think anyway. I guess you’ll just have to stay here in this small town, picking at nothing, hoping that an opportunity will fall on your lap without any work done!”

  “Fine! You go to America and leave me here all alone. And for the record, I’m not picking at nothing. I have two really hot boys, trying to get my attention. Really soon I’ll be slim and on my way to making a success of my life.”

  Kate laughed! “Oh, is that all? Two boys and weight loss? Celeste, grow up!”

  “Well, at least I have people who actually like me. When was the last time you got any action, Mrs Accidental Kiss?”

  “Yeah well, at least I’ve been kissed!” said Kate, with an evil smile on her face.

  Who was she? What had the city done to her? I started packing my things. That last comment of hers really pierced through my heart.

  “Kate, I never want to hear from you again. I thought you were my best friend, but you’re such a bitch!”

  “I thought you were my sister, but instead you’re the bitch. Good ridings!”

  I huffed and I puffed and I fled to the comfort of my house. I felt so hurt and confused. As soon as I arrived home and into my bedroom, I began crying. What had just happened?

  Chapter 15

  I don’t think I’ve ever had a fight with Kate, well at least one that huge. It is madness, what the world is coming to these days. I never thought that Kate of all people could betray me like that. I’ve heard of true colours, but I thought I knew Kate, in and out. I never knew that new clothes and eyeliner could change a person. Make them all mean and conniving. I don’t think that Kate fully understands how she’s hurt me. I missed her, and now I take it back. I mean, we had a plan. I could have easily diverted and went my own way as well, being all independent from this friendship. But no, every time I do something, I consider Kate, whether she would be excluded from my plans or not. Then she has the audacity to call me selfish and self centred and controlling! Another thing, we’ve never cussed each other out. I never knew that Kate could call me a bitch! I know I started it, but I was so furious and anything could have happened. I wonder if she’s hurting as much as I am. Then again, I don’t think she cares as much, her being the next supermodel and all. All this time she’s been using me, until she found something and left. I was never her friend.

  I decided against going to the gym this morning because I was utterly depressed. I think my mother saw that in me. I wasn’t as chirpy and polite as I always am. All she could do was to make us breakfast; me and dad. And I’m talking about a real breakfast, with meat and eggs and bread and whatever else you can think of. I was not a vegetarian anymore, so I soared through the food like a competitive eater. I think at that moment, it was time to admit to myself that I was an emotional eater. I couldn’t tell any of my parents what had happened yesterday, as they wouldn’t understand. But the day will come when one of them asks me about Kate.

  “Your sister is coming tomorrow, dear,” said mum, dishing dad his second helping.

  “Oh?” oh great! more drama, I thought to myself. She was probably going to confess her little secret.

  “So tomorrow you should close up early. She says she has got news for the whole family.”

  What does she need me here for? I already know the news. This is the time in my life where I need to vent and be alone. I’m in the land of the betrayed and I feel so alone in this world. It’s so cold, the place I’m in. It’s like wearing a warm blanket on a cold, cold day and having someone thrust it off your body exposing you to the chilly air.

  As for my boy troubles, I thought about it long and hard last night. My life is moving at incredible speed now. I have a lot
going for me. I counselled myself. I can’t be hung up on Kate forever. I have to move on and find new friends and grab any opportunity that comes my way. Now that I’m thinking for one, and Kate’s out of the equation, I can take on anything I want. It’s this feeling of freedom that gets me thinking about a whole lot of new things that I’ve been brushing off because of Kate. I like Thabang, a lot. I think he should be the one that takes me out for lunch or something. So what I’ll do, to prevent Taboka’s feelings from getting hurt, is to go out with them both. There are two ways that I have to choose when dealing with Taboka. I’ll say yes to his offer (well, I already have, but you know what I mean), meet up with him and either give him the worst date that he’s ever been on, or just tell him that I have no feelings for him (I feel like a heartbreaker. The feeling is a good one though. I want to dedicate it to all those who never thought they were good enough to ever be asked out by a cute boy, even Kate.). I’ll have to choose one impulsively, or else I’m going to panic and fail to go through with either of them. Knowing me, I’ll probably rehearse what I’m going to do on the lunch date and then completely ruin everything. On Thabang’s date, I’ll tell him all about Taboka and the fact that he asked me out to lunch, this way our love can begin on complete honesty. It’s a perfectly good idea. I wonder why I was stressing so much before. I’d see the boys tomorrow at the gym.

  I want to forget about the deal with me and Kate, but it’s so hard. I don’t understand why I can’t stop crying. Every time I even try to think about something else, I’m reminded that it’s because of her. And I don’t mean like loud wailing, just soft tears that collect and collect and expose me. I don’t want to cry but it hurts. I can feel the spikes at the nasal part of my face, the ones you feel when about to cry, then my face heats up and I just go for it. It hurts, I hope she realises that it hurts. I want this to stop. I need to think positive, think about my future boyfriend and my future friends. But why does she want to leave me?

  “Are you okay?” said a customer.

  I was looking into the parking lot of the complex, very distant, with tears in my eyes. I don’t think it was intentional, but I found myself thinking about Monday Madness, the time when Kate was normal. You know what, I don’t care! (Stop crying, silly!).

  “Why are you crying?” said the concerned customer again.

  I turned and faced her, wiping away frantically at my face, and sniffing everything back to where it came from.

  “It’s nothing, I’m fine,” I reassured, with a feint smile on my face. The eye area of my face was just on fire, burning from all the crying.

  “So how much for the leather jackets?” said the customer once more.

  I should close the shop and go home. I don’t want to be seen out today. I virtually told Kate that I never wanted to see her again. That means she’s dead to me. I have to mourn my loss while preparing for the gym tomorrow; the day I make arrangements with the boys. They have to find me fresh faced and normal, not on the brink of tears every time I try to utter a single word. All of a sudden, Taboka walked into the boutique, looking all handsome and manly. My eyes grew wide from shock, and my gloomy mood disappeared. It had to disappear, as I had to be a professional.

  “Hello Celeste,” he said, with a smile on his face.

  By then the shop was empty, and it was just me and my thoughts. The leather jacket customer left a moment before Taboka showed up. I didn’t know what to say to him. My head was in a million places at once. I wanted to say something back, but I was too busy analysing things in my head. So the best I could do was to just smile at him. He was wearing a pink golf t-shirt. It instantly reminded me of Kate and her outfit for Mondays. I felt another piercing sensation in my nose, but I begged it to go away so that I wouldn’t cry. I was wasting my tears.

  I think Taboka wanted me to say something to him back, but instead he got a smile from me.

  “So how are you?” he asked with his gorgeous voice.

  “Good.” I couldn’t stop smiling, I was forcing it.

  “You didn’t come to gym today so I presumed that you might be sick or something.”

  Oh, that’s very thoughtful of him, worrying about me. I ought to tell him that indeed I wasn’t feeling well, in fact I still wasn’t. He couldn’t notice that I looked like crap from all the crying. I guess being a babe entails being fresh faced all the time.

  “Yeah, I wasn’t feeling all too well. I’m still really down.”

  “Oh.” He looked disappointed. “I came here to ask you about that lunch date from the other day. We actually hadn’t finalised anything, so.”

  I gave him another fake smile. Taboka was really boring to me, and not as catchy as before. I’ve emphasised it plenty of times, but it just pains me that now I have to pretend like I’m actually interested in going out with him.

  “How about lunch tomorrow?” I said, remembering my plan.

  “Cool.”

  “One o’clock?”

  “Sure. Um, how about I meet you at Eat and Drink?”

  “Sure.”

  Then he left, leaving me in the shop all plain and dry. Just like that. It was very cold and snappy, kind of like I had made a business meeting plan with him. I wasn’t sure if he noticed that there were no sparks between us whatsoever, that’s what was so confusing about everything. He didn’t even offer to pick me up so that we could go together. Maybe this was a pity date. No, it’s not a pity date, it doesn’t apply. I should be really grateful however for having a date tomorrow. I should be jumping up and down. I’m going to get the first one out of the way, finally! I wonder what I’m going to wear. It shouldn’t matter because I’m not interested in Taboka. But I’m a babe now, I should be presentable.

  I decided to browse around the shop for clothes to wear. I’d deduct whatever I chose, from my salary. Working in your own shop has its own perks, you know. I wonder if purple works well with my figure because there’s a blouse that has my name on it. But wait a minute, maybe I should keep it casual. It’s just lunch, not a ball. Besides, the location doesn’t exactly scream five star restaurant, so there’s nothing to worry about. Okay, a pair of jeans and the blouse. There’s no way I’m leaving the blouse behind. I’m going to look just smashing in it! It’s coming along. Shoes...shoes...shoes. I’ll just wear sandals. I have plenty of those. If Kate was here, she would give me her opinion on my clothes. I had always imagined that she’d be there to help me pick out my first outfit for my first date. Blame me for going on a first date at twenty-one, I’m too late.

  I think I’ve lost some weight because the blouse I picked out is a little too big. Success! It’s always a good feeling, being fat and all, when you discover that your normal size is big on you. In fact, you become so happy, you want to get one in every colour. I think that’s how I get my favourite clothes. I’m so excited, and it’s a good thing. Take that Kate! I wonder when she’s leaving for a new continent. But then again, I couldn’t care less.

  ******************

  I feel lighter and not moody. I want to float and have everyone see that I am floating. This is the day I embark on my first date, ever! The joy in my heart makes me giggle. I’m getting chills just from my excitement. I’ve forgotten about certain backstabbers in my past and I’m moving on to better and brighter things. I’m becoming a woman, a real woman, with a man. Except on this certain day it’s the wrong man, but I don’t care. I’ve waited for this day all my life...well, ever since I thought boys weren’t totally gross. I never imagined that the guy, who saves me from spinsterhood, would be one of the hottest guys I’ve ever seen. Taboka is not that horrible looking, so I can endure a meal with him. This reminds me, I have to behave myself around the menu. I should order something light, like a salad. But I read somewhere that some guys don’t like girls who eat salads. I don’t think it should apply to me. I’m still fat, so me eating a salad will not be much of a contradiction. I’m going to order a salad though, really? The fact that I’m going on my first date should render some sor
t of celebration. And I never eat out. I should get something I can’t make at home, something that’s not a salad, something delicious.

  I geared up for the gym and began my boring routine on the less than friendly machines. Ten minutes on the treadmill, my knees hurt. I think it’s because of the treadmill. I don’t really care that much though because I feel lighter than usual. I hope I get an overdose of that happy hormone people get after exercising. I’m really going to need it.

  I saw Thabang enter the gym. I looked the other way and pretended like I hadn’t noticed him. He looks really hot today. I think it’s because I’m totally into him. He looks all mannerly and down to earth. He looks like the perfect candidate for my first boyfriend. I increased the speed of the treadmill so that I could pretend I was really into my workout. I haven’t started running yet, ever since I started with my gym membership, perhaps this is the day. After a few seconds I was back to walking again. I don’t think I’m there yet, the running phase. I even want to get off. I’m beyond tired and out of breath, and my knees really hurt, the joints. It’s like I’m out of the lubricant that goes at the joints. But that’s not normal, is it? I always thought it was an old age problem.

  “Hey Celeste!”

  It was Thabang. He came all the way to the treadmill section to come and say hi, before hitting the change rooms, I guess. He’s so sweet, isn’t he? I turned and tried to act as normal and cool as ever. I had to hide the fact that I was out of breath and in pain.

  “Hi, Thabang!” I replied with a huge smile on my face. He was looking at me really funny, like he was drawn to me, or he found me irresistible, or he had never seen such a pretty girl in his life. I wanted to start hopping merrily on the treadmill but I don’t think there is a possibility. But I tried as hard as possible not to look entirely excited so that I don’t look too out there.

  “Listen, do you have a minute?”

  “Sure.” I switched off the treadmill and got off. I was grateful for the fact that he saved me. Besides, I was left with a minute until ten minutes was up. What’s a minute, anyway?