A Mother's Love

by Dawn Stewardson

  “Oh?”

  “Her daughter has the home care completely arranged now, so the plan’s to discharge her tomorrow.”

  “Great. I’ll call Audrey and let her know. And send some flowers to the house.”

  Natalie nodded. “That would be nice.”

  He waited to see if she was going to say anything else. When she didn’t, he decided he might as well fill her in on his day.

  “While you were gone,” he said, “Robbie started in about your being his mother.”

  She looked at him. “And?”

  “And I must have repeated the story of the mix-up a hundred times, so I think he’s pretty clear on that now. But he’s still convinced that if you’re really his mother you should be living with him.”

  Stopping right there, he told himself this was not the time to press her about anything.

  “Well, as we’ve been saying all along,” she murmured, “it’ll take him a while to understand things.”

  To understand exactly what things? he wanted to ask. That she’d thought about the idea of staying on longer but had rejected it? That her plan was still to return to Villa Rosa once Audrey got home? And that she still wanted to go ahead with the sharing plan? Because she wasn’t prepared to even give them the chance for a future together?

  No, that just couldn’t be it. Yet the uneasiness in his heart warned him it could.

  Reminding himself, once again, that this was not a good time to press her, he simply took a sip of lemonade and waited.

  “Maybe I should tell you about our meeting with the caseworker,” she said at last. “Talking about it might help.”

  When she glanced at him, he nodded, then she went back to staring out across the lawn and said, “The woman hardly exuded competence, but at least I’ve got a clearer picture of how things stand.

  “They’ll help Señora Perez find a place to live and give her enough money to get by. That didn’t seem to be much of a problem.

  “And...I guess, up until today, I’ve been seeing her at her most stressed. But once we assured her she wouldn’t have to cope entirely on her own, she really seemed a lot more...together.

  “Oh, and the service is going to be the day after tomorrow. I think that being set helped her, too. I mean, knowing there would definitely be one, and that at least a few people...”

  “I assume you’ll go.”

  “Yes, of course. In fact, I told Señora Perez I’d drive her. She has no idea how to get to St. Aidan’s.”

  “What time of day is it?”

  “Three.”

  “Then why don’t I drive both of you.”

  “Hank, you don’t have to do that.”

  “I want to. I’ll call Mary Gerard and see if we can leave Robbie with her.”

  “But...”

  “It’s not a big deal,” he said. And he figured that with both Emma and Señora Perez leaning on her the way they’d been, she could do with someone to lean on herself.

  “Well...then, thanks.”

  She lapsed into silence. After it had stretched for a while he said, “What about Emma?”

  “In a way I wish she could be there with us. I think that might have helped her accept her mother’s death. But since she’s stuck in her bed, Cynthia and her grandmother and I decided that the best thing to do is just not mention it for the time being.

  “At some point, whenever it seems right, Señora Perez can tell her there was a service. Right now, though, it might only upset her more.”

  Hank nodded. “It probably would. But I was actually asking what will happen to her in the long run.”

  “Oh,” Natalie murmured, slowly shaking her head. “Well, I didn’t figure the odds on her being adopted would be high. And, unfortunately, I was right. They’re going to stick her in a foster home. Or, worse yet, an institution.

  “Ostensibly, that will only be while they’re assessing her, but I’ve got a horrible feeling that once they’ve placed her temporarily they’ll forget all about her and...oh, Hank, it just breaks my heart.”

  Taking her hand in his, he gave it a squeeze.

  “She’s terrified about what will happen to her,” she continued, “and...”

  “And?” he said quietly when she paused again.

  She was silent for a moment, then said, “If I tell you what I’m thinking you’ll say I’m crazy.”

  “Uh-uh, I won’t. I promise.”

  She hesitated, then shrugged. “All right. I’m thinking about trying to adopt Emma.”

  He breathed slowly, not uttering a word in case it was the wrong one.

  “You’re not saying I’m crazy, but you’re thinking it,” she said at last.

  “No,” he replied slowly. “I’m just wondering, with everything else...”

  “I know.” She shook her head. “Even I can see that in a way it is crazy. I came here to get my own child, and now I’m considering adopting someone else’s. Which...well, in the first place, I don’t even know if it’s a viable option.

  “I’m an unmarried woman who lives in a foreign country. Maybe that would completely rule me out as a suitable candidate. And you’re right about the everything else.

  “Until after I got here, I didn’t realize how much work it will be to reestablish a close relationship with Robbie. So even the idea of... But she’s such a sweet little girl. She deserves someone to love her, and...”

  “Take it easy,” he murmured, afraid she was on the verge of tears. “Let’s think this through.”

  She eyed him, as if waiting for him to tell her how to make everything perfect in her little corner of the world.

  He wished he could. But, of course, he couldn’t. And whatever he said, he had to choose his words carefully.

  The worst thing he could do was say something he’d regret later. And he honestly didn’t know how many major life changes he was up to contemplating at once.

  Yet if Natalie... But he was getting miles ahead of himself.

  He took a few more seconds to think, then said, “Doesn’t Emma’s situation kind of fall into place with what we were talking about this morning? About the possibility of your staying here a while longer?

  “If you had a few more weeks, it would give you enough time to explore the possibility of adopting her. And it would give us a chance to see...

  “I mean... Look, I know the only way we could end up together is if you uprooted your entire life. And I realize how much that would be asking.

  “But it would be the only option, because there just can’t be any demand for English-speaking homicide detectives in Villa Rosa.”

  The way she almost smiled at that made it a little easier to press on.

  “Natalie, even though this has happened so fast, the way I feel about you... What I’m trying to say is that if you gave us a chance and we got to the point of considering marriage, I don’t think I’d have a problem with adopting another child.”

  “Oh,” she whispered. “Hank, please don’t make it so tempting. Because...our getting married just isn’t something I... I could never marry a cop.”

  * * *

  WITH ROBBIE IN BED, Natalie and Hank found themselves discussing their situation yet again—even though they’d long ago reached the point of talking in circles.

  Hank must have told her a hundred times why his job wasn’t really as dangerous as most people assumed. He’d even gotten on his computer and tracked down statistics to back up the claim.

  And she must have admitted a hundred times that she knew her fear wasn’t entirely rational. Unfortunately, that didn’t make it even slightly less real.

  There was one potential compromise she still hadn’t mentioned, though. And neither had he.

  That made her almost certain she knew what he’d say if she suggested it. But since she didn’t figure there was much to lose, she finally said, “Could you see yourself doing anything else? Not being a police detective?”

  He gazed at her for a moment, then silently pushed himself up off the c
ouch and paced across the room. When he turned and looked at her again, she held her breath until he quietly said, “Could you see yourself not being a doctor?”

  She was tempted to lie. Instead, she shook her head.

  “You understand, then,” he said when she did. “I...I’ve been on the job my entire adult life. It’s a major part of who I am. I’m good at it and...I don’t know, it seems to somehow be in my blood. When I solve a case, take some scumbag off the street so he can’t kill again...

  “It’s a tough job with a lot of negatives. I’d never tell anyone otherwise. But the rewards, when they come... I’m not explaining it very well, but...”

  He paused, then said, “I could think about it. If you and I decided... If that ended up being the only stumbling block...then I could think about it.”

  She stared at the floor, aware she’d been right. Neither of them had raised the possibility earlier because, deep down, they both knew it wasn’t actually a possibility at all.

  Hank might think about it. He might even make himself leave the force. And that told her an awful lot about how deeply his feelings ran for her.

  But if he did leave and wasn’t happy about the way his world unfolded afterward, how could he help but blame her? And then where would they be?

  * * *

  “WHY NOT?” TRAVIS demanded, glancing across the Mustang as he drove.

  It was almost 8:00 a.m., practically the end of the shift, so if Hank had managed to hold out just a little longer they wouldn’t be having this conversation.

  He really hadn’t felt like discussing the latest developments between him and Natalie. But his partner had sensed that something was bothering him and had kept at him until he’d caved.

  “She must have a reason,” Travis added now.

  “Yeah, she does.”

  He proceeded to fill Travis in on the story of her uncle being killed.

  “She told me about that days ago,” he continued. “She’d said that my being on the job made her uneasy and she was explaining why.

  “But it turns out uneasy was a major understatement. That she’s always sworn she’d never let herself fall in love with a cop, let alone marry one.”

  “And you said?”

  “Everything I could think of that might reassure her, but none of it helped.”

  He didn’t go into anything more. Didn’t mention her idea of adopting Emma. Or the fact that Natalie had asked him about leaving the force. He figured he’d already given his partner more than enough to chew on.

  They drove a block or so in silence, then Travis said, “Remember how Celeste was into serious worrying for a while?”

  He nodded. Not long after Travis had given her a ring, she’d gone through a period of thinking that by marrying a cop she’d be making a big mistake.

  “We worked our way past it.”

  “Yeah, I know. But Natalie... We talked about it all evening without really... Hell, just when I figured I was making progress, convincing her to stay on, she hit me with that.”

  They’d reached Manhattan North and Travis pulled into the parking garage. After he found a spot, he cut the engine and said, “Let’s not forget that a couple of weeks ago she was a total stranger.”

  “And?”

  “And don’t you think you could be giving this more weight than it deserves? I mean, in such a short time you can hardly have—”

  Hank stopped him with a sharp look. “How long did it take you to fall in love with Celeste?”

  Travis shrugged.

  “As I recall, it happened practically the instant you met her. Didn’t it?”

  “Maybe. But...look, I’m no psychiatrist, but one day you open your door and Robbie’s dead mother is standing on your porch—very much alive. Which means you’ve suddenly got a huge problem.

  “Then it occurs to you that if you happened to fall in love and marry her your problem would be gone.”

  “You’re saying I haven’t actually fallen in love with her at all? That I’ve only convinced myself I have? Because it would be the ideal solution?”

  When Travis merely shrugged again, he muttered, “Ideal solution. Yeah, right. All falling for her has done is create a whole new additional problem. I’m in love with a woman who can’t even make herself consider the possibility of...”

  “Give her time,” Travis said.

  “How can I give her time? She’s determined to head back to Guatemala as soon as Audrey gets home.”

  “Well, maybe she’ll be seeing things differently by then.

  “It could happen,” he added when Hank said nothing. “You know how women can be. Just because she tells you her mind’s made up doesn’t mean she won’t change it.”

  “You don’t know this woman,” he said. Then, seriously not wanting to discuss the subject any further, he opened the car door and climbed out.

  But he couldn’t cut off his thoughts as abruptly as he had the conversation. Couldn’t stop himself from recalling that, by the time he’d left the house last night, he’d been getting very bad vibes from Natalie.

  He’d been sensing that she simply didn’t believe there was much chance they’d end up together. Hell, maybe she wasn’t even sure that was what she wanted.

  He was sure about what he wanted, though. Regardless of what his partner figured, he hadn’t simply convinced himself he was in love.

  For the past while, his feelings for her seemed to have been growing deeper with each passing hour. And at this point they were so strong that...

  Man, no wonder those bad vibes had bothered him so much. They’d left him completely uncertain of exactly how she felt. Except that she was bound and determined not to marry a cop.

  * * *

  NATALIE POURED SOME cereal and milk into a bowl for Robbie, then stifled a yawn. She’d lain awake virtually the entire night, her mind refusing to shut down, her thoughts alternating between Hank and Emma.

  She wasn’t sure why she felt such a sense of urgency about the little girl, but if it was at all possible she wanted to talk to somebody about her today. So first thing after breakfast, she was going to call Cynthia.

  Surely, as chief of Pediatrics, she had to know someone high up in Child Services. And maybe she could pull some strings that would get Natalie an appointment fast.

  Then she’d at least be aware of how she stood with respect to their rules.

  As for Hank... Thinking about where she stood with respect to him made her heart ache. Because no matter how much she wanted to, she just didn’t see their sharing the rest of their lives together.

  Even though she knew her fear about cops and danger went well beyond the rational, she couldn’t simply wrap it up in a neat little parcel and stick it into some dark recess of her brain—never to be thought of again.

  If that were possible, if people could dispense with their hang-ups so easily, there’d be a whole lot of therapists out of work.

  But the idea of Hank’s leaving the force...

  In her mind’s eye, she pictured the way he’d looked last night, when he’d said it wasn’t entirely out of the question. His expression had belied his words, telling her that quitting was the last thing in the world he’d want to do.

  She let his image linger for a few seconds, then forced it away and turned her attention to her son. He was playing with his cereal, and just watching him filled her heart with love.

  Given that, how she could back away from the resolution that seemed so right for all three of them?

  It wasn’t her first choice. Not by a million miles. So didn’t there have to be an angle they hadn’t thought of? Some way of working things out that would let them...?

  If there wasn’t, though, how could she even consider marrying Hank? Consider living—day after day—with the fear her life might suddenly be shattered?

  That had already happened to her once. She couldn’t bear the thought of it happening again.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  HANK READ ROBBIE his bedtime story, went
through the checking-for-monsters routine, then kissed him good-night and wandered along to the living room.

  He stood gazing through the window into the twilight, remembering how Natalie had taken off like the proverbial bat out of hell this afternoon—practically the moment he’d gotten up. And she’d said she might be later than usual getting home.

  If she was late enough, he thought unhappily, she’d barely get here before he had to leave for work. And he had a depressing suspicion that was her plot.

  It seemed obvious that those bad vibes last night had been every bit as significant as he’d feared. She must have decided that the two of them had reached a dead end, and that the best thing to do, from here on in, was spend as little time as possible together.

  But that was only her take. He hadn’t written them off yet. Not by any means.

  No more than he’d begun hating her just because she had an irrational fear. Or an exaggerated one, as she preferred to call it.

  Whichever word they used, though, unless she got over the fear...

  Right, that was exactly where they were at. She had to get over it. He couldn’t do it for her. Couldn’t make her come to terms with reality, couldn’t force her to stop believing he was a walking bull’s-eye. Yet if she didn’t...

  If she didn’t, there’d be only two alternatives. Either they’d go their separate ways or he’d have to choose between her and his career. Assuming she’d have him if he chose her, of course.

  But she’d asked if he’d consider leaving the job. So wasn’t it obvious what she’d been thinking?

  Mentally shaking his head, he told himself he’d just have to hope Travis was right. That once she’d had more time, she’d see her way clear to at least stay on for a while. And if she did, that would be a big step in the right direction.

  On the other hand, if she didn’t...

  Headlights appeared down the road, distracting him from his thoughts. When the car pulled into the driveway, he saw it was Natalie’s rental.

  The interior light flashed on, illuminating her as she climbed out. He tried not to think that she seemed more beautiful with each passing day. Because if things didn’t change, she wouldn’t be here much longer. And all he’d be left with was memories of her.