A Mother's Love

by Dawn Stewardson

  As she walked across the lawn, he headed to the front door and opened it.

  She smiled at him, making his heart skip a beat. Maybe things weren’t as bad as he’d been assuming.

  “Long day,” he said, closing the door behind her.

  She nodded. “Is Robbie asleep yet or can I say good-night?”

  “He’s probably still awake.”

  Without another word, she started toward his bedroom.

  Hank returned to the living room and sat down, not at all sure that after she kissed Robbie good-night she wouldn’t go and hide out in Audrey’s room for a while.

  But a couple of minutes later she was back.

  “He was just dozing off,” she said, sinking into one of the wing chairs facing the couch rather than sitting on it—beside him.

  A bad sign, he couldn’t help thinking.

  “A lot of the patients’ parents had questions for me tonight,” she told him.

  “Oh?”

  He’d practically forgotten that she didn’t spend all her time at Madison Plains with Emma and her grandmother. They were the only ones she generally talked much about.

  “Way more of them than usual,” she added. “And then I stayed for quite a while with Emma.”

  He waited, almost certain that she was working her way toward something important.

  “I didn’t go straight to the hospital today,” she eventually said. “First, I had an appointment with a woman in a senior position at Child Services. A Willa Radaway. Cynthia set it up for me.”

  “To talk about adopting Emma?”

  She nodded; he decided the meeting was another bad sign. She hadn’t even told him about it before she’d left, let alone asked him to go with her. So she sure hadn’t been discussing the possibility of their adopting Emma together.

  “And what’s the story?” he said.

  “Well...I only asked about adopting her on my own,” she said as if she’d read his mind.

  “Oh?”

  “Hank, don’t take that wrong,” she said quickly. “It’s not that I’ve given up on us. Really, I haven’t.”

  Maybe not entirely, he thought, but close.

  “It simply made sense because I didn’t want this Willa Radaway to think I wasn’t serious—that I was just kind of considering various possibilities. And we already know there wouldn’t be any problem at all if you and I, together, wanted to... Cynthia even said something about that.”

  “Oh?” he said again.

  “I haven’t told her what’s happened between us, so she was only talking hypothetically. But when I explained why I wanted to talk to Social Services, asked if she could do anything to smooth the way, she said wouldn’t it be ideal if you and I... So Robbie would be with both of us...and then adopting Emma would be a piece of cake.”

  He didn’t say a word, although he badly wanted to. If even someone who had no idea they’d fallen in love could see their getting married would be the perfect solution, how could Natalie not—

  “Since we aren’t sure where things are going with us, though...”

  When she stopped speaking and slowly brushed her hair back from her face, he wanted to say he had no doubts about where they should be going.

  But as he’d been telling himself, not fifteen minutes ago, she had to come to terms with this in her own way. All he could do was hope to hell she would.

  “My not being married wouldn’t pose an obstacle,” she finally continued.

  “Single-parent adoptions are far more common than they used to be, especially with older children. But if I intended to take her back to Guatemala, it would give the authorities pause.

  “On the plus side, though, Willa said that a positive reference from Cynthia would be a big help. And since I’d have no trouble arranging for child care while I was working...

  “The biggest thing, of course, is that Emma and I have already developed a relationship. Plus the fact that, as Willa said, there are never a whole lot of families lined up to adopt a seven-year-old.

  “At any rate, she couldn’t promise I’d be approved, but I left with the feeling that it would probably be doable.”

  “Good. That’s really good,” he made himself say—trying to ignore the voice in his head that was whispering Doable without you.

  He resisted the temptation to ask whether she didn’t think single-parenting both Emma and Robbie, in a country that was foreign to them, might be taking on an awful lot.

  It would be pointless because he had absolutely no doubt that if the two of them didn’t end up together she was still going to want Robbie half the time. Emma or no Emma.

  * * *

  THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON, Hank was surprised to see Natalie emerge from the old apartment building accompanied by not one but two elderly women dressed in black. The second one proved to be the neighbor Señora Perez was staying with, Señora Barreda, who would be attending the service, as well.

  During the drive to St. Aidan’s, while the three women conversed quietly in Spanish, he tried to focus on the most recent homicide he and Travis had been handed. But he no sooner began going over the facts than his thoughts returned to the way Natalie was acting.

  Last night, she’d told him she hadn’t given up on them. Yet when he’d rolled out of bed early today to get ready, she’d seemed surprised he was still intending to go with her. And that had only added to his sense that, deep down, she was convinced there just wasn’t going to be any “they.”

  And if he couldn’t unconvince her...

  He unhappily ruminated on that for several blocks, then glanced across at her—and immediately wished he hadn’t.

  Merely looking at her was enough to make him want to be with her. To make him start wishing, all over again, that there was some way he could magically banish her fear.

  But there wasn’t, he reminded himself as he pulled into the St. Aidan’s parking lot. So there was no point in driving himself crazy trying to think of one.

  The service was scheduled for three o’clock, and by the time they located the chapel it was about a quarter to. Initially, they were the only ones there. Then other people gradually began arriving.

  A few of them Señora Perez recognized. They’d been friends of her daughter. The rest, if Natalie’s whispered guess was right, had either worked with the woman or were staff members from the burn unit.

  The service was brief and in Spanish. Natalie and Señora Barreda cried a little; Señora Perez wept quietly through most of it. Afterward, though, she pulled herself together and accepted condolences from those who’d come. By the time the other mourners had left, she seemed pretty much in control of her emotions.

  As they headed for the elevators, she spoke rapidly to Natalie for a minute.

  When she was finished, Natalie said, “Hank?”

  “Uh-huh?”

  “She and Señora Barreda are going to see Emma now, and she asked if we’d go up with them. Just to say hi. We wouldn’t have to stay long.”

  “Sure,” he said. “We’re in no hurry.”

  Natalie translated that for Señora Perez, who gave him a wan smile, and barely fifteen minutes later the four of them were on the pediatrics unit at Madison Plains.

  “I’m certain this will be the most visitors Emma’s ever had at once,” Natalie murmured as they headed down the corridor.

  Hank nodded, the unsettled feeling in his chest growing stronger with each step he took.

  The other day, when he’d said he didn’t have a problem with the idea of adopting another child... Well, he hadn’t exactly said it without thinking, but he sure hadn’t given it much thought. And now, if he and Natalie did manage to end up together...

  That, however, was looking about as likely as a night with a full moon over Manhattan and not a single homicide, which meant he didn’t really have too much to worry about.

  But at the time he’d spoken up he hadn’t realized their relationship was probably doomed. So what had possessed him to say anything at all about Em
ma?

  Not only had it been far too soon, but maybe he wouldn’t even like her. Or she might not like him. And what did he know about seven-year-old girls, anyway?

  Absolutely nothing. Besides, how would Robbie react if...

  He told himself to just calm down. In the improbable event that he and Natalie worked things out, he’d simply take the rest as it came.

  But telling himself that and believing it would be easy were two very different things. Of course, nothing had been easy lately. Not since Natalie had entered his life.

  “It’s this room,” she said, leading the way in and saying hello to the four pint-size patients inside.

  “Dr. Lawson! Abuelita! Señora Barreda!”

  Hank’s gaze came to rest on the child who’d called the greetings. Emma.

  She was a tiny little thing, half lying, half sitting in the bed by the window—her leg in traction, as he’d known it would be, and a fat bear that had to be the infamous Teddy propped up against her.

  As her grandmother kissed her hello, Natalie said, “We’ve brought someone new to visit you.” Linking her arm with Hank’s, she guided him closer to the bed.

  Emma looked at him shyly.

  “This is Mr. Ballantyne,” Natalie told her.

  “Hank,” he said. “You can call me Hank.”

  She gave him a smile.

  “And can I call you Emma?”

  She giggled and nodded.

  “And who’s this furry guy with the red sweater?”

  “Teddy.”

  “Ah. Is he good company?”

  When she nodded again, Hank smiled. He was rapidly exhausting his supply of small talk for small people, but at least she hadn’t taken an instant dislike to him. Or he to her.

  And that was a very good thing. Just in case the highly unlikely came to pass.

  * * *

  “WHAT DID YOU think of her?” Natalie asked as they headed out of the hospital.

  “I can see how she stole your heart,” Hank said truthfully. “She’s really sweet. It’s hard to believe... After all that’s happened, I was expecting her to seem depressed.”

  “Sometimes she is, but I think that when she gets distracted she forgets about the bad stuff for a while.”

  Hank waited, half expecting Natalie to start talking about the adoption idea again. She didn’t, though. In fact, she lapsed into silence.

  “I guess the next stop is the Gerards’,” he said as they reached the Jeep.

  She simply nodded, climbed in and sat staring out the window as he drove. Then, after they’d gone a mile or so, she murmured, “Hank?”

  He glanced at her.

  “I wonder...before we get Robbie...could we go back to the house and talk for a bit?”

  His pulse rate accelerated, even though he realized there were 101 different things she might be wanting to discuss.

  “Sure,” he said as casually as he could. “You heard what Mary said. She doesn’t care when we pick him up.”

  The rest of the way home, he had to concentrate on staying within the speed limit. Because despite knowing the police around there had zero tolerance for speeders, he really, really wanted to find out what Natalie had on her mind.

  If it wasn’t any of those 101 different things, if it was about them, and she’d decided...

  But he shouldn’t get his hopes up. That would only be asking to have them dashed. Still, he couldn’t entirely keep from thinking that she might have convinced herself...

  By the time he pulled into the driveway his mouth was dry and his palms were wet. Trying to appear nonchalant, he got out of the car and started toward the house with her.

  “Coffee?” she said once they were inside.

  “Sounds good,” he made himself say, even though the last thing he wanted was a delay while she made it.

  Once she’d headed for the kitchen, he removed his suit jacket, tossed it onto one of the wing chairs and stood staring out the window—until he couldn’t stand the suspense anymore and followed along after her.

  * * *

  NATALIE WAS PUTTING the coffee into the maker when she heard Hank’s footsteps...heard him stop in the kitchen doorway.

  Knowing he was watching her made her even more anxious than she’d already been, but she managed to get the last spoonful in without spilling it.

  She swung the basket shut, pressed the on switch and made herself turn to face him.

  “Someone called,” she said, nodding toward the answering machine’s little flashing light.

  He glanced at it with such a distinct lack of interest she thought he was going to leave it for the moment.

  Then he said, “I guess I’d better check it,” and stepped over to press Play.

  “Hank, this is Betty,” the message began. “I’m just phoning to thank you for the flowers. I got some at the hospital, but it was such a nice surprise when these arrived at the house.

  “I’m feeling a lot better, and I hope everything’s fine there. I’m sure it is, though, with Natalie stepping in to help.

  “So...well, thanks again. They’re really beautiful. Bye.”

  “She sounds tired,” Natalie murmured. “But that’s to be expected.”

  As she started to turn back toward the coffeemaker, Hank said, “Natalie? What is it you want to talk about?”

  She simply looked at him, her eyes drinking in his rugged good looks. Detailing his firm jawline. Lingering on his lips.

  Gazing at his mouth made it impossible not to think about how delicious his kisses were. About the way they could melt her insides.

  She loved him. She didn’t have the slightest lingering doubt about it. But that didn’t make her any less frightened. It only made her more desperately want what she was afraid to reach out and take.

  “Aren’t you going to tell me?” he said at last, giving her a smile that went straight to her heart.

  “I...”

  She paused, assuring herself this wasn’t a major, irreversible step, then said, “I didn’t get much sleep last night because I couldn’t stop thinking about everything you’d said. About how I should at least give us a chance to see... Not only for you and me, but for Robbie, as well.

  “And I would. I mean, I’ve told you how hard it would be for me to leave Villa Rosa. But I’d consider it if only... Hank, no matter how many times I tell myself I’m not being entirely rational, I simply can’t get past...”

  He looked steadily at her, his dark eyes willing her to continue.

  “I’m so scared,” she whispered.

  “I know.”

  “It’s... Losing Carlos was harder than I can say. If I let myself... And then I lost you...”

  “And if you don’t let yourself?” he said quietly. “Then you’d lose me for sure.”

  “I know. But it wouldn’t hurt as much as...”

  He took a slow step toward her, reaching for her hands. His grip was so firm, so strong, it made her wish that some of his strength could flow into her. Make her brave enough to—

  “Natalie, just don’t decide too fast that there’s no possible future for us. Take long enough to...”

  He gave her another smile. “Hey, if we give it a few more weeks, we might decide we don’t even really like each other.”

  She managed a smile of her own. “Fat chance.”

  He gazed at her for a second longer, then drew her to him and wrapped his arms around her.

  “I’ve been on the job for almost fifteen years,” he said into her hair. “And nothing awful’s ever happened to me.”

  Then maybe he’s overdue, a small voice warned her.

  Pressing her cheek against his chest, she listened to the solid beating of his heart and tried to ignore the voice.

  “You know,” Hank said quietly, “since you didn’t get much sleep last night, maybe we should have a little nap before we pick up Robbie.”

  She told herself that would be extremely unwise, that it would only make her want to stay with him more.

 
; But maybe that would be a good thing.

  “You think?” she murmured, smiling against his chest.

  “Yeah, I think.”

  * * *

  NATALIE LAY IN HANK’S ARMS, her fingers lazily playing with the buttons on his shirt, her mind musing that if they could stay right here on the couch forever she’d be perfectly content. And he’d be perfectly safe.

  But that wasn’t an option. Aside from anything else, they had Robbie to think about.

  And she had been thinking about him. An awful lot. Because he had so much to gain if she and Hank...

  Marriage. Ever since he’d raised that as a possibility, the word had been whispering in her mind. And if they did get married, instead of shuffling Robbie back and forth between them, the three of them would be a real family.

  Or the four of them, she corrected herself, thinking again of what Hank had said about adopting Emma.

  The way he’d barely had to consider before saying it wouldn’t be a problem spoke volumes about the kind of man he was.

  So how could she conceivably let her hang-up... And that was what it amounted to.

  Maybe a police officer’s odds on being killed or wounded was higher than the norm, but they weren’t that much higher. Which meant, logically—

  “What are you thinking about?” Hank asked, nuzzling her throat.

  “Us,” she admitted.

  “Good.” He bent and kissed her neck.

  “Nice word, us,” he added.

  She closed her eyes, agreeing with him.

  “As much as I hate to say this, shouldn’t we be going to get Robbie?”

  “Who?” he said.

  “Very funny.”

  “Oh, you mean that little kid who lives here?”

  With obvious reluctance, he gave her neck a final kiss, then sat up on the couch.

  Now, she told herself. Before you chicken out.

  “Hank?”

  “Uh-huh?”

  “I was wondering...the police department has psychologists on staff? Stress counselors? People like that?”

  “Sure. Why?”

  She nervously licked her lips, telling herself it was too late to stop now. But she was afraid to go on.