Unlovable

by Sherry Gammon

  Happy 11th birthday, Maggie,

  Well, I failed at writing you a letter each year on your birthday, and I failed at not drinking again. I’m an all-around failure. No matter how I try, I just can’t seem to give it up.

  This year will be difer different, Maggie. I’m entering a rehabilitation center for alcoholics. I found someone to take care of you while I’m at the center for a month. She’s really nice, and I think you’ll like her. I’ve known her for a while, her name is Mrs. Gianchi, and she’s a mental health counselor. Her parents had a problem with alcohol too. She understands what we’re going through, and I know she can be trusted with the most important thing in my life–you.

  I’ve never told you this, but I was set to give you up for adoption when you were born. Surprised? But when the nurse placed you in my arms, I couldn’t let you go. At the moment, I swore never to drink again, determined to be a good mom. I even managed to stay sober for five months, but obviously, I failed. I was selfish for not giving you up. You should have been placed into a good home with loving parents, plenty of food to eat, decent clothes to wear, and all the love you deserve.

  I know I say cruel things to you at times. I’m so full of self-hate it just seems to spew out. I’m a despicable person, Maggie. Some days I want you to hurt as badly as I do. Whenever you bring your report cards home from school full of A’s, I never acknowledge your achievements because I feel guilty knowing you had to study all by yourself, with no help from your drunk of a mother. I’m very sorry.

  Yet despite my miserable example, you have a beautiful heart. I watch you play with the other kids in the neiberh neighborhood, and you’re a little mother to them. You help them when they are hurt, and cheer them up when they’re sad. You do for them what I should be doing for you.

  Things are going to get better. By your next birthday, you won’t even recognize me. We’re going to have fun too. We may not have much money, but we’ll have fun. You’re the only good thing I ever did, sweetheart.

  I love you, Mom

  I re-read it four times, each time being filled with both love and anger toward her. Why had she never told me any of these things? For years I felt overwhelmed by the emptiness that engulfed me. As my body starved for food, my soul had a hunger all its own, it was starving to be loved. So desperate for it, I wasted two months of my life on Zack, hoping he’d help fill the void, only he created a deeper chasm.

  I had felt loved once. I felt loved by Seth. However, that wasn’t real either, just the desperate desires of a foolish girl. Why did I ever trust him?

  My thoughts of Seth brought me back to the letters. I shouldn’t have read them, they were my mom’s private feelings. I was angry with Seth for the very thing I was doing with these letters, violating a trust.

  I gathered up the two letters and put them away, promising myself I wouldn’t read the last one. After carefully replacing them back between the mattresses, I took out my homework and began studying. I felt a peace inside knowing she had loved me once and an evil math assignment couldn’t take that away. Sleep also came a little easier than it had the past few days as the thoughts of my mother’s letter warmed my heart.

  However, it didn’t last.

  “Miss Brown?” asked the unfamiliar voice on the phone.

  “Yes!” I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by the ringing of the cell phone. My heart was pounding fiercely in my ears, making it difficult to hear.

  “This is the receptionist at Port Fare General Hospital. Dr. Colter asked me to call you. He said it is urgent you get in touch with him.”

  “Can I speak to him?”

  “You want me to try and find him now? I’m an immensely busy person. I have to answer these phones, take and deliver messages, and, well, many other things. You’ll have to wait until tomorrow. If I happen to see Dr. Colter, I’ll let him know, good evening.” She hung up. The woman was definitely in no danger of being named “Employee of the Month.”

  I was dressed and out the door three minutes later. Two blocks down the road, a police car came screeching up with its lights flashing. Was there a curfew I didn’t know about? The door opened and out stepped Booker.

  “Where exactly are you going, it’s almost midnight? Don’t you know we still haven’t caught the men who tried to hurt your mother?”

  “The hospital called, and Dr. Colter needs to talk to me. Something’s wrong, I have to reach my mother,” I said, not trying in the slightest to sound polite.

  “I just talked to Cole, he didn’t mention an emergency. I’ll call him back.”

  “No! I want to see her, now.” As I started to walk past him, he reached out for me. “Don’t touch me!”

  “Maggie!” He looked as if I had slapped him across the face. “Stop acting like a child. It’s not our fault this all happened. We have a job to do, and unfortunately, you’re involved.”

  I didn’t want to discuss Seth, or the drug case. “I just want to see my mother.”

  Despite my protests, Booker took out his cell phone, and while grumbling under his breath, punched the numbers on the keypad. “Hello, Cole, I have Maggie with me. She said—Yes, Seth’s Maggie. No, I found her running down the street trying to get to the hospital. Yes, I pointed out the time, however, someone from the hospital called her and said you wanted to talk to h—Yes.” Booker handed me the phone.

  “Maggie, the receptionist made a mistake,” Dr. Colter said. “I wanted to speak with you in the morning about your mother. There’s something important we need to go over.”

  “Okay,” I said, taking a deep breath. His voice was calm and gentle, making it difficult to be upset.

  “Thank you. How about tomorrow morning at ten? There’s a café across the street from the hospital.”

  “Yes, ten is good.”

  “Have Booker give you my personal cell phone number, feel free to call anytime. One more thing, please be careful, these drug dealers mean business. We were lucky with your mom, I doubt we’ll be that lucky again.” Booker handed me a piece of paper with a phone number written on it, evidently having heard our entire conversation.

  “I’ll take you home.” I shook my head. “Sorry, you can’t walk alone.” He held out his hand in the direction of my house, and I started walking.

  “Seth really does love you, you know.” He continued, despite my silence. “I’ve known him his entire life, and I can honestly say I’ve never seen him as happy as he has been with you.” Increasing my pace, he followed suit.

  “Listen, Jailbait, he had a job to do, put yourself in his place,” he snapped.

  Jailbait? What the heck!

  “We thought you were a drug addict. What was he supposed to do, ask you who you bought your stuff from?”

  I reeled around so fast it startled him, and he stepped back. If it was possible to spontaneously combust, I would have done it right there on the spot. “How could you possibly think I was an addict? I’ve never been in any trouble.”

  “Maggie,” he said softly, resting a hand on my shoulder. “You had many of the signs, we had no idea you were slowly starving to death. And for the record, I was the one that suspected you. Seth was adamant about your innocence, insisting that it didn’t add up. He pointed to your high GPA, and how you tutored other kids in English during your lunch hour.” He laughed. “He had it bad for you from the start. I’m sorry I didn’t believe him.”

  Afraid I would burst into tears, I pulled away and continued walking toward my house. I’d gone no more than three steps when Booker started up again.

  “He’s devastated about hurting you, and he blames himself. He wanted to tell you sooner, but when he finally got the okay, he was afraid of how you’d react. He was hoping by the time you did find out, your love would be strong enough that you’d forgive him. I guess he was wrong.”

  His statement cut through me. When we arrived at my place, I thanked him without looking back. “Maggie, whether you like it or not, it appears that somehow your mother’s involved.”


  “Did Cole mention my mother’s drug screen came up negative?”

  “No, that is good news.” He seemed genuinely pleased with the news.

  “As did mine. So I guess you and Seth can leave us alone.”

  His smile vanished. “Please give him another chance.”

  I stared directly into his beautiful brown eyes. “My entire life I’ve never trusted anyone, I’ve never had anyone to trust. I’ve taught myself to believe in me, and no one else, and then the one time I do, I’m stabbed in the back.”

  “He’s not perfect, Maggie, I’ll give you that, however, if you think you’ll find a perfect person to love and trust, you can stop looking, because one doesn’t exist. Good night.” He waited until I was safely inside before leaving. I went into my room, cranked up my clock radio as loud as it would go, and fell mindlessly onto my bed. No further thinking tonight.

  Up early the next morning, I rushed to the hospital only to find a new device hooked up to my mother. “This can’t be good.” At quarter to ten, I made my way down the stairs and across the street to the café. Dr. Colter was already there waiting with a plate of eggs and bacon in front of himself and one opposite him.

  “I took the liberty of ordering you breakfast,” he said warmly.

  “I’m not hungry, thank you anyway,” I said. The eggs looked delicious. After eating nothing but peanut butter sandwiches for several days, I was starving for something different.

  “You need to keep up your strength. It won’t help your mother if you end up in the bed next to her.” He smiled again, his deep blue eyes radiating kindness once more. I stood staidly. “Maggie, you’re extremely pale, and I believe you’ve lost some weight. Please, sit down and eat some breakfast.”

  I caved. “Thanks.” I sat down and devoured the breakfast way too quickly. It felt good to have warm food in my belly again. When I finished, he summoned the server over and ordered more food. “No, I’m fine, I couldn’t eat another bite.” I could’ve eaten ten more platefuls, however, my pride was rearing its ugly head once more.

  “You can take it home for later,” he said casually. “Maggie, I’ll get to the point. Your mother’s condition has gotten worse, and she needs a liver transplant, the sooner the better. I’d like to place her on the donor list if I can stabilize her.”

  The server brought another plate of food as Cole informed me of the different tests they had run on her, and what they tried to do with medications. He said a liver transplant was her only option at this point. I immediately shoved the plate away, the smell made me sick. He had it taken away and boxed it up.

  “Unfortunately, in her current condition she’s not quite strong enough to endure a transplant, it’s why we’re keeping her sedated. If we didn’t, she’d be suffering with nausea, vomiting, and extreme mental confusion owing to her condition. The strain on her already frail body wouldn’t be good. I’m doing everything I can to help her, and I’ve called every expert I can think of for advice,” he said frustratedly.

  I dropped back in my chair. “Can I donate part of my liver to her when she’s strong enough? I remember reading somewhere you can be a live liver donor.”

  “You can, but honestly, Maggie, you’re too thin. I don’t feel your small body would be up for the task. Even if you are a perfect match, I wouldn’t give my approval for you to be a donor.”

  I nodded, knowing he was probably right.

  “Does your mother have any other direct relatives?”

  “No, just me.” Swallowing hard, I asked the question I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer to. “Are any of her problems from drug abuse?” I kept my eyes on the table, unable to meet his gaze.

  His warm hands covered mine gently, and I looked up. “No, Maggie, I don’t believe for a minute that your mom has been doing illegal drugs. Her problem is alcohol, I’m sure of it. And yes, to answer your next question, I’ve told both Booker and Seth my opinion this morning.”

  “Thanks,” I said softly.

  “Is there anything I can do to help you?”

  “Why do I need help?” I said, pulling my hands out from under his.

  “Do you have a support system in place if things don’t go well? Are you part of any support groups?”

  “I’ll be fine, I don’t need anyone,” I said, shooting out my chin in a stubborn stance.

  He lowered his voice. “Maggie, I know Seth should have—”

  “Is there anything else, Dr. Colter?” I stood up and slid my chair under the table.

  “No, that’s everything for now.” He exhaled loudly. “Would you be more comfortable if handed her case over to my associate, Dr. Taylor?”

  I looked at him, searching his gentle features. “No, I’d like you to stay on as her doctor,” I said softly.

  “As you wish.” He gave a quick nod, handed me the boxed-up leftovers and left without another word. I raced back to my mother’s room, noting how peaceful she looked lying there.

  “I love you, mom, don’t give up.” I stayed with her as long as I dared. With the sun hanging dangerously low in the sky, I left but didn’t get far before a patrol car pulled up alongside me once again.

  “You must have a death wish, Jailbait,” Booker said, clearly exasperated. “Get in, I’ll take you home.”

  “No, thank you. I’m in no mood to be lectured about… him.” I also didn’t care for his little nickname for me, but that would be a battle for another day.

  His mouth twisted into a wicked grin. “If I promise not to bring up He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, will you get in?”

  Did he really think his stupid joke was funny? I shook my head defiantly. “Fine, I’ll arrest you.” He slammed the car into park, and was next to me before I could take another step. He took my arm, dragging me toward the car.

  “What am I being charged with?” I pulled my arm out of his grip, proud of the fact that I didn’t punch him because part of me sure wanted to.

  “Hmm, let me think. How about loitering and resisting arrest?”

  “Loitering? I’m walking home, how is that loitering?”

  “I’ve been a cop for a long time, Maggie. I can come up with something.”

  “That would be lying, and no one will believe you.”

  “Are you serious? I have a stellar reputation on the force, and you’re a teenager. Whom do you think they’ll believe?”

  “Fine.” I bit out. “You can take me home, except no lectures.”

  “Fine.” He smiled politely and opened the door for me as if he were a gentleman. I put on my seatbelt, sitting as close to the door as possible. He chuckled low.

  True to his word, he never mentioned Seth once. After dropping me off, he waited until I went inside again before leaving. I warmed up the leftovers from the cafe as my mind struggled with the stupid choices I’d made over the past week.

  25

  “Hi, Maggie.” It was Dwayne, my new cooking buddy. Seth had transferred out of all the classes we’d shared. At first I was relieved, now I wasn’t so sure.

  “Hey, Dwayne, what are we cooking today?” I had eaten the last of the peanut butter and bread for breakfast, and had no idea what I was going to do now that my money was gone. My mother’s social security check would not be here for another five days, and the dizziness and hunger headaches were back with a vengeance.

  “I don’t know, and by the way, you look awful.”

  I felt awful, not having slept well in I don’t know how long. If I wasn’t dreaming about my mother and the possible liver transplant, I was dreaming about Seth.

  When I’d first learned he was a cop, my dreams were of him trying to hunt me down and shoot me. For the past two days, the dreams were of him kissing me. The kisses were so real I’d wake up in the middle of the night with an ache in my heart. Booker’s words were still haunting me also, I was beginning to think I had overreacted to everything… big time.

  Seth was an MET agent, and for some reason my mom was suspected of doing drugs, he really didn’t have a
choice. Still, knowing that, and not letting it hurt me, was two different matters.

  Time to change the subject. “I overheard Melody say you liked the new girl, Allison.” I smiled.

  “Allison? Leave it to Melody to get it wrong. I hope Karen didn’t hear that.” He looked worried.

  “Karen, as in cheerleader, Karen?’

  He blushed. “Yeah.”

  “Does she know you like her?”

  “No, but I said hi to her in the hallway yesterday.” He actually seemed proud of his mediocre achievement.

  “Dwayne, at this rate it will be the middle of summer 2018 before you ask her out.” He dropped his head back and groaned. “Hey, did you know there’s a Pep rally on Thursday? Karen will be cheering at it. You should go, maybe you could ask her out while you’re there.”

  “Oh, Maggie, you don’t understand what I’m like when she’s around. My palms get all sweaty, and my heart pounds so loudly in my ears I can barely hear! What if she says no?” He threw his arms across the desk and plopped his head down onto them. Poor guy!

  Suddenly, he sprung back up. “Wait, I have an idea. You can go with me to the pep rally, that way if she turns me down, I won’t look like a total loser.”

  “I’m not following you.”

  “If we’re there, you know, just a couple of friends hanging out together, I can act all casual when we see her, like, 'Hey, Karen, how’s it going?' Then I could say something like, 'Do you want to go out for ice cream some time?' She’ll think I’m just a friendly guy, no big deal. But if I’m there all alone, she’ll think I’m a total loser that no one wants to date, and that I’m desperate, then she won’t want to go out with me.”

  I couldn’t follow his convoluted logic whatsoever, I also had no idea guys put so much thought into asking a girl out. It was absolutely heartbreaking to watch. “Sure, if you think it will work.” I certainly didn’t think it would.

  “Thanks,” he said, with a sigh of relief. “You’re amazing, no wonder Seth’s miserable without you.” Dwayne turned to look up at the teacher as she gave instructions for today’s cooking lesson, lasagna.