Sinful Purity (Sinful Series)

by K. A. Standen

  “I don’t really know that much about you, Liz. I had to ask him for some insight. He spends more time with you than I do. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “I don’t mind,” I assured. I thought it was kind of sweet how much effort Zack had put into this date.

  After we finished our shrimp and chips, we climbed back in Zack’s truck and headed off down the highway again. Zack flipped on the radio, but the reception was poor this far out of town so he turned it off again. I just kept looking out the window, watching all the strange unfamiliar places rush by. If I didn’t trust Zack I might have been frightened, but I wasn’t. I felt perfectly calm watching all these new sights pass before me. I had never been outside of Chicago before until the track meet a couple of weeks ago. And before that I had never been anywhere.

  “It’s just a little farther. You look kinda concerned, like you don’t know where you are.”

  “No, I’m fine. I just was looking at all the new sights. I’ve never been out this way before.”

  “It’s okay. I mean, if you’re worried, I told Caleb every place we’d be going tonight. He knows where to find you.”

  “That’s very thoughtful. But honestly, I’m okay with you.” I noticed Zack glance over at me and give me a little sideways smile. Then I noticed that I was still practically hugging the passenger door, like at any moment I was going to make a break for it. No wonder he kept asking if I trusted him. I was totally giving him the wrong idea, sending the wrong signals. I smiled back at him and scooted closer to him.

  “Well, that’s better. I thought maybe you wanted to run away.” Zack smiled a genuinely warm, appreciative smile.

  “I’m sorry. I’m not very good at this. I mean, I don’t have a lot of history with guys,” I said slowly, gingerly, feeling out the moment.

  “That’s okay.” He smiled, put his arm around my shoulders, and gave me a little squeeze.

  It wasn’t long before we pulled up to a drive-in theater. It was a double feature of Swamp Thing and Night of the Living Dead. I was so excited. I had always heard Kelly describe “slasher” movies. I was sure these two would qualify. Zack handed the attendant some money and drove into the lot. He parked his truck and tuned in the station on his radio.

  “I know these aren’t new movies but they’re classics,” Zack said. “And if you wanted to know something about me, they’re sort of my favorites.”

  “I have never seen either one. So I’m really excited. In fact, if you want to know something about me, I’ve never been to a drive-in, or seen a scary movie, or been on a date before, for that matter.” I spewed the information excitedly before my mind could stop me.

  “What? You’ve never—any of it?” His voice almost sounded angry. I didn’t know what to make of it.

  “No, I haven’t,” I replied, afraid I was going to break into tears.

  “I know Caleb told me you were one of those. But I just didn’t think that you’d never—”

  “One of those what?” I demanded, not giving him a chance to finish.

  “An orphan. One of those orphans. The ones behind the gates.”

  Fury ripped through my whole body. I threw open the door and jumped out. As I hit the ground the tears came, pouring over me. I ran to the back of the truck, looking for an exit, but Zack caught me. He grabbed me and turned me toward him. He put his hands around my waist and lifted me up onto the tailgate. Tears were streaming wildly down my face now, making it difficult to see. He put his hand on my cheeks and tilted my face toward his. He ran his hands down the entire length of my body, then laid them to rest on the tailgate beside my hips, pinning me there in front of him. He laced his fingers through the belt loops of my jeans, pulling me into him, closer. He leaned his head down and kissed me, nearly suffocating me with his passion-filled lips, blissfully suffocating.

  After I stopped thrashing about, I gave in. I gave into temptation, loving every minute of it. Zack picked me up in his strong muscular arms. My legs hung over one arm and my head and shoulders over the other. He unlatched the truck door and kicked it open with his foot. He laid me down on the truck’s gray bench seat. Then he climbed in too. He gently wiped the tears from my eyes.

  “Don’t cry. I didn’t mean anything by it. I just say stupid stuff sometimes.”

  I didn’t say a word. None of it mattered now. I wrapped my arm around his neck and pulled him closer to me. We kissed endlessly. I felt like this was what I had waited for my entire life. Our hands searched fiercely over each other’s bodies, over our shirts, our jeans. Our hands roamed as our lips found their new home in each other.

  In our passion, we had missed most of Swamp Thing. Zack assured me Night of the Living Dead was the better one anyway. I sat close to him, snuggled up in his arms for the rest of the night. Even on the drive home, I didn’t budge. Zack just grabbed my hand and laid it on his leg, our fingers intertwined while he drove home. We never talked about what happened. It didn’t even occur to me to say anything. Zack knew I was an orphan. I could thank Caleb for that. In a strange way, I did thank Caleb. I never would have been the one to tell Zack. Caleb was right, no one cared. It was nice to be able to just be me, not the edited, pretending-to-be-normal me, but the one-hundred-percent, weird, sheltered, broken me. Even knowing everything, Zack still wanted me, which only made me want him more.

  When we pulled up to my dorm, Zack turned off the engine of his truck. He turned and just looked at me. My heart sank. We had both been so quiet on the way home, maybe he had reconsidered. Maybe he’d decided I was too much trouble, too broken to restore. Just when I thought my thoughts couldn’t get any darker, Zack kissed me. He just stopped looking at me, grabbed my face in his oversized hands, and kissed me without a word.

  “I had a really nice time tonight, Zack.”

  “Me too, Liz. It was way more than I expected. But I don’t know how pleased Caleb’s gonna be when he finds out that I wasn’t very careful with you.” Zack smirked.

  I gave him a smirk back. “That’s okay. I didn’t want careful.”

  “Can I see you tomorrow?”

  I looked down at my watch. “It’s already tomorrow,” I laughed.

  “I meant later tomorrow. Unless you want me to come up with you?” Zack asked with only a little flirtation left in his voice. I could tell he was getting more serious about the offer.

  “I think I’ve had enough firsts for one night,” I said, proud of how casually I had summed everything up.

  “You’re right, I wasn’t thinking.” His voice cracked with emotion.

  I leaned forward on my tiptoes and kissed him again. His lips were soft, warm, gentle this time. He grabbed my waist and pulled me closer. I could taste him so deeply that it was like breathing in his very soul. I lingered for a moment before our lips parted, in disbelief that he was mine. Zack Bartlett was mine. As he pulled away, I very gently suckled his bottom lip, just to prolong our stolen moment a second longer.

  He kissed me quickly on the forehead. As I turned to retreat back to my room for the night, he smacked me on the butt.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” he called.

  “Okay, now go home.” I laughed, drunk with bliss.

  I ran up the three flights of stairs to my room, never even stopping to take a breath. When I got inside my room, I fell back onto my bed, reliving every sweet, passionate moment in my mind. I had never been this happy before in my life. The feeling overwhelmed me, altering my reality. I knew one thing for sure: I was enjoying this too much. And I never wanted it to stop. There would be no analyzing for me tonight. Only the sweet dreams of Zack’s kisses still lingering on my lips.

  Nine thirty the next morning I woke to Zack knocking on my door. He had orange juice and a bagel in one hand and coffee and a donut in the other.

  “I know you don’t like coffee, but I wasn’t sure about your pastry preference,” he said sweetly, offering me the choice.

  “Bagel. I’ll take the bagel,” I said with a big smile, pleased to see him a
nd even more pleased it wasn’t all a dream.

  We spent the whole day talking and laughing. Really getting to know each other. Occasionally stopping to make out. I mean, who wouldn’t? Zack was incredibly hot, and he was mine.

  For weeks we spent every day like that. Zack would even drive me to St. Matthew’s and pick me up when I was done with my chores. When I was with Zack, everything moved so fast. I couldn’t slow down, nor did I want to. Everything was new and exciting. His touch was like fire and ice, burning and numbing the senses all at once. This was different than the love I’d had for Brett. This was primal and unbridled, a passion so intense it felt like a blazing inferno threatening to consume everything it touched.

  The downside to having a passion so fierce was that on occasion it gave way to rage. Zack tried to be understanding about my religious beliefs and my devotion to the church, but he didn’t understand my ties to MIQ and St. Matthew’s. He feared them.

  We fought more and more about my unnatural need to please my lifelong captors. The fights would get heated and verbally nasty. Zack would accuse me of being different, distant after spending time at the church. I vehemently denied that the church had anything to do with it. I would accuse him of being an insensitive idiot. When we made up, we would push the envelope of closeness more and more, practically daring our last thread of chastity to break, and lending more credence to Kelly’s comment about lust being sandwiched in the middle of love and hate.

  I thought about Kelly all the time. I tried to remember how much she’d hated MIQ and St. Matthew’s. She said the whole institution was evil incarnate, creating puppets for their religious war. I knew she was prone to exaggeration; even Brett would call her theatrical on a good day. But I just didn’t understand why Zack would say so many of the same things when he’d never met anyone from the church other than Caleb and me. Sometimes, after a nasty fight, I would try to look at it through his eyes. Was I different? Was I missing something? I didn’t think so. I didn’t feel any different. Zack would say that I was having mood swings. When he was trying to be nice, he’d joke that they were heavenly and hellish. I loved Zack and he loved me. I knew he hadn’t meant to be mean. He just worried about me so much. But I never understood why. He’d say that the church was trying to steal me away from him, the real me.

  Every night when Zack had to leave, it only got harder and harder as the weeks went on. I knew I was completely helpless when it came to him. I was unsure how long I could continue to be this close to him without completely giving into temptation.

  Then the night came, without planning without warning. It swooped in upon us, sweeping us away in the moment. In a tangle of lips and limbs, the agony of restraint gave way to the elation of becoming one inseparable, unrecognizable self. I was no longer the pure innocent I was raised to be, but I just couldn’t summon the guilt that had once been so natural. Everything just felt too right. After that, Zack and I spent every night together, inseparably intertwined in each other’s arms with nothing between us but love.

  Sunday came around once more. After Masses I found myself up in Mother Superior’s office, standing before her. It bothered me greatly that over the last few months Mother had grown to look more and more sickly. Like death was creeping in upon her.

  “Mother, may I speak with you?” I asked with a heart full of hesitation.

  “Of course, child.”

  “Are you ill, Mother? You don’t look well.”

  “No, Mary Elizabeth, I am not ill. I just have much on my mind.”

  “Does this have anything to do with me, Mother?”

  “Why on earth would you ask that, Mary?”

  “Several weeks ago, when I was ill, Sister Laverne sent me up to ask you if I could leave,” I explained cautiously. “When I came up the stairs, I heard you arguing with a man. I just wanted to know if it had something to do with my past, Mother.”

  “Mary, I know that you have been looking for the key to your past. Looking in places you shouldn’t be. But this—child, this has nothing to do with you. I assure you.”

  Had Mother Superior known all along that Brett and I broke into her office? My knees grew weak. But she never said anything about it. If she did know, she wasn’t going to punish me now. She would have done so back when it had first happened.

  “I’m sorry, Mother, for my nosiness. Would you tell me about my past now? Anything at all?” I pleaded with a genuinely fragile heart.

  “I took a vow many years ago now. When you walk through those doors to join us here, your past no longer matters. I’m sorry, Mary. I think it is best if you go now.”

  “Yes, Mother.” I bowed my head respectfully and left.

  I ran out the front door and into the courtyard, afraid that at any second I would start crying and be unable to stop. There on the other side of the street was Zack’s truck, and Zack standing in front of it with a bouquet of daisies. I ran across the street and into his arms without even looking.

  “I am so glad you’re here,” I said. “But it’s Sunday. I thought Caleb was going to give me a ride home.” I hugged him and kissed his cheek repeatedly.

  “I thought I’d surprise you. And there was something about Caleb’s dad being in a foul mood and that they weren’t going to church today.”

  “Well, I don’t care about the reason. I’m just glad you’re here. I’ve had an awful day.”

  “Then let’s change that, shall we?” Zack flashed me one of his big, brilliant smiles.

  “What do you have in mind, lover?” I asked with a naughty tone and dirty thoughts running through my mind.

  “Not that, Liz. We’ll save that for later. Right now I thought I’d take you over to First Street. You’ll love it. It has adorable red-and-white shop awnings, and a taffy shop with quartet singers.”

  “What? That doesn’t sound anything like you, Zack,” I laughed.

  “Was it the adorable part that gave it away, or the quartet?” He chuckled. “I read about it online. I wanted to take you somewhere you’d never been.”

  “That’s sweet, Zack. But you could have just taken me to a different block. If it’s not on my way home, I probably haven’t seen it. I’m simple like that.” I smiled, gave him a peck on the cheek, and climbed into the truck.

  “Humor me, then.”

  “Okay, let’s go. You can take me wherever you like. I’m yours.”

  “I like the sound of that.” He winked at me as he started his truck.

  First Street was just like Zack described it. It was a small one-way street lined with shops. Each shop had a red-and-white awning over its window. There were groups of strolling singers and vendors, giving the whole street a carnival-like feel. It was quaint, like something from a bygone era. Zack and I walked up and down both sides of First Street, taking in all the sights, sounds, and smells. I was having a wonderful time.

  We were approaching the end of the timeless innocence and enchantment when I saw a homeless man on the other side of the intersection. His face was dirty and sore-ridden. His clothes, while numerous in layers, were filthy and torn. Living the sheltered life I had, I had never seen anyone like him. In front of him he had a large, dirty, partially bent cardboard sign. In thick black marker it said, “The Godly Distort the Truth.”

  In a hoarse, weathered voice, the man chanted as he waved his sign. “The faithful are beyond reproach. Free will is a gift that must be guarded. The faithful are beyond reproach. Free will is a gift that must be guarded.”

  Shaken and frightened I said, “Zack, look at that poor man.”

  The man continued to chant, “The faithful are beyond reproach. Free will is a gift that must be guarded.”

  “At least I’m not the only one who sees it,” Zack remarked snidely.

  “Zack, that’s awful,” I chastised him. “That poor man needs help,”

  “Hey, I’m just saying that as messed up as that bum is, he sees it.”

  “Sees what?” I asked angrily, wanting to see if Zack would really say wh
at I knew he was thinking.

  “He sees the truth, Liz. The truth,” Zack retorted with even more anger.

  “That’s not a fair comparison, Zack. He’s troubled. He needs help.” I began to cry.

  “Well, you don’t know how he got that way, do you? Huh, Liz?”

  “Zack, don’t you dare finish that sentence. Just take me home,” I demanded.

  “Fine, I’ll take you home. But you know it’s true, Liz. Somewhere inside you, you know things aren’t right.”

  I didn’t say a thing. Not one thing the entire ride home. Zack was right. There was something amiss at MIQ and St. Matthew’s. Something heinous that made innocent children sick and sisters fight with villainous strangers. Something so unsettling that everyone was kept on a short leash, fearful of ever straying too far. And I was caught in the middle.

  When we pulled up to my dorm. Zack turned off his truck and turned to me.

  “Liz, I want to be with you, all of you, with nothing trying to pull us apart.” I could hear pain and sincerity in his voice.

  “I love you, Zack. And I want to be with you too. You know that. I’ve already given you all of me. I’m sorry. It’s just that it’s the only past I have.” The pain and sincerity in my voice was just as real.

  “I know, Liz, I know. I’m really trying. It’s just hard. You’re always so hot and cold. You’re here one minute and gone the next.”

  “Zack, I’m always here.”

  “I mean emotionally, Liz. Sometimes you just don’t seem you. Caleb tells me to give you time, that this is all new for you. But I don’t feel like that’s it.”

  “Zack, I’m here. Every part of me is here with you. I promise. And Caleb’s right, this is all new to me. It’s frightening and exciting all at the same time. You’ve done this all before, the whole girlfriend thing. I haven’t, but I’m really trying.”

  “Believe it or not, Liz, I’ve been with girls before, but not like you. I’ve never had a relationship like I do with you. I’m trying too.”

  “Good. Let’s go try together, up in my room.” I smiled wickedly, kissed him quickly on the lips, and hopped out the truck.