Holding On

by Rachael Brownell

  “Yeah, that’s fine. Are you okay? You sound kind of different.”

  Really? I wanted to ask what he meant, but that was going to turn into a whole conversation that I was sure I was not ready to have yet. I took a few deep breaths before replying, trying to calm myself. “Just tired is all. I’ll call you in about a half hour okay?”

  I heard him mumble something, but I was already hitting End Call. I put my car in Drive and pulled out of the parking lot. Once I got home, I made my way to my bedroom to drop off my stuff and then immediately went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. My skin was still on fire, and I couldn’t stop thinking about Ethan or Brad. This was not normal behavior for me. I was the responsible one. I put my other priorities before relationships; that’s probably why I didn’t really have any.

  I stepped under the spray and tried to rid myself of the random thoughts that I was having. Will he kiss me again? Do I want him to kiss me again? What will I say to him in class tomorrow? Am I trying to replace Brad? Crap! I have to get this guy out of my head.

  After I got dressed, I settled at my desk to call Brad. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say to him, but I knew that I needed to be honest with him. He didn’t have a reason to ask about anything specifically involving Ethan, but he knew me well enough to know if I was hiding something. He always knew.

  “Hey, so how was your first day?” he asked. It should have been an easy question to answer, but somehow it wasn’t.

  “It went fine, I guess,” I replied trying to sound unaffected by my day. “How was your first day back? Did you find someone new to walk with to class yet?” I tried my best to tease him, and I hoped it came across the way I wanted it to.

  “Nope, I still have that spot reserved for you if your skinny butt ever returns.” He was teasing. Good. “So did you make any friends today?”

  “Not really.” That wasn’t a complete lie.

  “That does not sound like the Becca I know. You are the easiest person to get along with. Did you even try to make any friends today?” Busted! He really does know me too well.

  “I wanted to get a feel for the school today, ease myself into it. I’ll make friends, and you know it. I just want to be invisible for a while.” That was the complete truth. I want to be invisible now more than anything. I want to put myself in a bubble and make sure that no one pops it.

  “I get it, I guess.”

  What else could he say?

  “I wish you could see this place,” I said, trying to change the topic and lighten the mood. “The campus is beautiful—huge but beautiful. Everything is so open. It has a beautiful view of the mountains.”

  “It sounds pretty. Maybe I could come out and visit you for spring break?” Brad replied. It was a statement, but the inflection at the end made it sound more like a question. He wanted to come and visit but wanted me to invite him. I wanted him to come and visit me, but I knew if that happened, then I would have to let him go again. I didn’t want to let him go last week, and I don’t want to let him go now. If he came to visit, I was going to keep ripping my heart in two.

  “That would be fun. Do you think your parents would let you come visit? You know my mom won’t care. We have a spare bedroom so you wouldn’t even have to sleep on the couch.” I exclaimed excitedly. I wanted to tell him the truth that I was scared of him visiting, but I told him what I knew he would want to hear instead.

  “I’ll ask them this weekend and see how much tickets cost. I have some money saved, so maybe they will split the cost with me.” I could hear the excitement in his voice. I could see him smiling in my mind. I could see his eyes shimmering and the gold around his irises catching the light.

  “Sounds like a good plan. Call me this weekend, and let me know what they say. I have to get started on my homework before I fall asleep standing up.” I needed to end this call and process all this information. I was tired, but it was more a sense of mental exhaustion. My brain was working overtime. It was almost like it was volleying my thoughts around in my head like they were a tennis ball.

  “Okay, get some sleep, and I’ll give you a call this weekend.”

  After we hung up, I started to process the situation. I would have to figure out some fun places for him to go. What would Mom actually say? She loved Brad, but him flying here for a week would scream that he wants to be more than friends. Would he read into it that I wanted us to be more than friends? I knew that I wanted to be with him, but I also knew that I couldn’t. I didn’t want to get his hopes up, knowing that my heart would break when he goes back home. It had only been a week, and I already missed him so much.

  Then it hit me. Claire? What about her?

  Chapter Five

  The rest of my week went by in a blur. I would go to class, go home, and do my homework. I had been avoiding Ethan at every turn. I was not sure why, but it seemed like he had been avoiding me as well. I knew that our kiss was not planned and probably should not have happened, but it did. I couldn’t ignore the drop of my stomach every time he walks into the only class we shared together. I couldn’t ignore the fact that I always look forward to my very last class of the day, knowing that it was the only time I get to see him.

  I tried to focus on other things to keep my mind occupied. I hadn’t talked to Brad yet about Claire, even though I have talked to him every night this week. I wondered what’s going on with them. I wondered if he took my advice and got back together with her. I wondered why I even cared if I want to see him so much. Can a relationship as strong as ours last if we were to try? Our friendship was going to last no matter how many miles we put between us, but a relationship is different. We never had the opportunity to discuss what we felt or what we wanted to do about our feelings. I never let that happen out of fear that things would become real. I was caught off guard for the first time in a long time, and instead of trying to figure things out, I tried to ignore the situation and pretended like it never happened. I was doing the same thing with Ethan.

  I had to get someone else to weigh in on this. I needed an outsider’s opinion. Maybe Ella? Emma and Ella were probably two of the smartest, most opinionated people I knew. Neither of them would hide their thoughts from you, but neither of them would share my secret either. They both knew how to keep a secret, even from each other, which I thought was amazing since I’ve heard that twins generally know what the other is thinking.

  Thursday after school, I dialed their house without hesitation. I had spoken to Ella once since I left, and Emma had pretty much been unavailable. She had started dating a new guy that I didn’t know and was never home anymore, according to Ella. I was surprised when she answered after the first ring.

  “Becca!” Emma screamed. The excitement in her voice surprised me. I was closer to Ella, and I thought that Emma sometimes got jealous.

  “Hey, Emma. How are you?”

  “I’m good. How are you? How’s the new school?” She was going a mile a minute.

  “Everything is fine.” I paused to take a deep breath. Should I ask for Ella, or should I just talk to Emma? They seemed like the same person sometimes, so what did it really matter? “Do you have a few minutes? I’m kind of having a minor crisis, and I need some good advice.”

  “Sure. What’s going on?”

  “Well, I have to work out some things with Brad, and I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know what to do at all or even where to begin…” I let my voice trail off. Everyone knew that Brad and I were just friends, but the only person I had told about the kiss was Emma.

  “Is this about what happened before you left? If it is, then I don’t really know what to tell you.”

  Great! No advice available. “Just answer me this. Do you think that I should give us a try?”

  “No.” She said it quickly and without hesitation.

  “Oh, okay. Do you have a reason? Is there something going on that I don’t know about?”

  “No. I just think that it’s time for you both to move on. I see the way he is r
ight now, sad look on his face all the time, pining away for you to be here. If you give him even the slightest glimpse of hope that there can be something, then it will be even worse for both of you if it doesn’t work out. You guys can’t do this from far away. If you had started something before you left, you could have continued it, but you can’t start something with the distance. You don’t want to ruin your friendship, do you?”

  She was making sense. She basically stated all the thoughts that I was having myself. If we had started something before I left, then we could try to continue it now, but we didn’t. Plus, the last thing I want was to ruin our friendship. He was my rock. He was my lifeline most days. We’d been through too much to risk losing all of that.

  “No, I don’t want to lose his friendship.” I let out a sigh before continuing. What did I have left to say? I summed it up in one sentence, but I knew that there was more. If I didn’t get it off my chest, then it wouldn’t be real. “Can you do me a favor, Em?”

  “Anything. What do you need?” Emma asked.

  “I need for you to find him someone, anyone. Encourage him to get involved with someone. Get him back together with Claire if that’s what it takes. I’m not even sure if they are officially broken up at this point. There are plenty of people who would go out with him. Help him see the light.”

  My light was shining through right now. I was going to do the same thing. I was going to move on, heal my broken heart, and find someone who makes me happy and lives less than two thousand miles away.

  “I can try,” she stated. I heard the hesitance in her voice. “Are you sure this is what you want? Are you sure this is the right decision to make?”

  “Yes.”

  “I wasn’t trying to break up your friendship. I was just making you realize the reality of the situation.”

  “I know, and you did. Thank you.”

  As my last class approached on Friday afternoon, I decided that I was going to break free of the shell I had encased myself in my first week of school. I walked in a few minutes before the bell rang and sat in the same seat I had been all week. Instead of opening my physics textbook and staring at the pages to try and remain invisible, I turned to the pretty brunette who was sitting behind me and tried to strike up a conversation. Her name was Natalie, and she seemed friendly enough.

  The last bell rang, and I turned back around in my seat just as Ethan walked in. I heard Natalie say something to the girl next to her. I think her name was Jill. Ms. Phillips took role, and people started to scatter to begin their work. I walked up to Ms. Phillips’s desk to find out what she would like for me to do. I was assigned to take some photos of the campus from my “new” perspective earlier in the week, and we went through the prints yesterday, so my plate was clear.

  “Why don’t you partner up with Natalie? I’m sure she can use some help wrapping up the editorials for the sports pages.” She never looked up from her desk as she spoke, and I could see that she probably never even noticed me talking with Natalie earlier. I was starting to reply when she motioned for me to get going by moving her hand through the air.

  I went into the computer lab to find Natalie. She was tucked in the corner talking to Jill and staring at the pictures on the screen. She would move them a bit left or right before stopping to ensure they were where she wanted them and then would start to move them again. It was obvious that she was a bit of a perfectionist, maybe even a little OCD like me.

  “Hey, Ms. Phillips wants me to get with you and lend a hand with the sports editorials. What would you like for me to do?” I asked trying not to sound overly excited.

  “Well, I have everything printed out over there if you want to proofread it. The player stat sheets are in the pile too, and the professional sports stats we are including this year are at the very bottom somewhere.” Natalie stated plainly. Her tone was warm and polite, but her smile was not, and when I realized she was not looking at me, I felt a bit of relief. She was staring over my shoulder at someone. “I will be right back if you want to get started,” she said as she got up and walked out of the lab.

  I sneaked a peek over my shoulder as she walked past me, but no one was there now. I grabbed the stack of papers and started editing the articles. They were really well-written, and I enjoyed reading them more than I thought I would. As I got down to the bottom of the stack, I see stats about each athlete, and then the last few pages fascinated me. The information they planned on including about each sport was unique. They were including things like who won the World Series this year, how their local college teams performed, and who from the school’s teams were most likely to go pro.

  When I reached the stats about tennis, I knew them already, most of them anyway. I read who of my favorite players were doing well and who were not. I wondered if they were going to wait for the results of any more big tournaments before getting the book published, and as the thought crossed my mind, I saw his name.

  Most likely to go pro: Ethan Green

  I dropped the page, and it floated to the floor in slow motion. I thought back to Monday when we played after school. He kept up with me, and most people can’t. He had some really strong volleys, and I would kill for the power on his backhand. He kept the ball in play, no matter how hard I tried to get it past him. He was good, really good. Crap!

  I should have noticed it sooner. He was a great player, but his amazing looks seemed to distract me at every turn. He said that he started playing at a young age, just like me, but that didn’t always mean that you turned out to be a great player. All the practice in the world won’t make you a great player unless you love the sport.

  I should have known that someone who just happened to have a racket with him at school would be able to keep pace with me. It’s the offseason, so why would anyone be bringing their equipment to school unless they had ulterior motives? He didn’t just want to play tennis after school—he wanted to play me.

  I picked up the piece of paper on the floor and scanned it again just to be sure I read it right. His name was there in black and white, and I still couldn’t believe my eyes. The bell ringing pulled me from my thoughts, back to reality, and I tried my best to pull myself together. Everyone was shuffling out the door as I placed the stack of papers on Natalie’s bag next to the computer. I accidentally hit the mouse, and the screen popped up. I saved her work for her and closed the computer down, but not before I adjusted the picture to the exact spot it needed to be to make the page symmetrical.

  I grabbed my bags and headed for the door. I may not have found my new BFF today, but I felt like I could be friends with Natalie. She was nice and friendly and seemed to be an all-around good person. I wanted to get her number before I left for the weekend, but she never came back to the room. I guess I could try to see if I could find her at lunch on Monday and maybe eat with her and her friends.

  I step out into the deserted hall to find Ethan standing against the wall. Was he waiting for me, or was he surprised to see me? His eyes didn’t give much away as he pushed himself off the wall and started to approach me. I heard a door slam in the distance and look toward the stairs to see Natalie approaching from the other end of the hall. I gave her a small wave, and she smiled before entering the far door to the computer lab. I turned my attention back to Ethan, but he was gone.

  I stood there confused for a minute before I realized that I looked like an idiot and turned toward the stairs. I reached my locker in record time. I wanted to be able to hit some balls before I went home, and with the warming weather this week, even though it was still January, I thought I might have to fight for a spot on a court. By the time I reached the courts after changing, I realized that I was wrong. The parking lot was almost completely empty from what I could see of it, and the courts were desolate. Then I realized that no one but me would stay after school on a Friday by choice.

  When my phone rang at seven o’clock Sunday morning, I knew it had to be Brad. The early hour told me that he was probably excited and his parents pr
obably said yes. I knew how the conversation was going to go, but I picked up my phone anyway and mumble something that was supposed to sound like hello into the receiver.

  “You bitch! I cannot believe you!” A female voice screamed into my ear.

  I was wide awake now and was staring at the number on my phone. I didn’t recognize it, but it has a Michigan area code.

  Someone from home?

  “Excuse me? Who is this?” I tried to sound unaffected by the rude awakening I just received, but there was a hint of anger in my voice that I could not seem to hide.

  “Claire, you bitch! How could you do this to me? He’s leaving me for you, you home wrecker!” she shouted at the top of her lungs.

  Really? She made it sound like I broke up their marriage when I’m thousands of miles away and had nothing to do with it. Well, almost nothing.

  “I knew this was going to happen. All those times you two would hang out as ‘just friends’ when really you were seeing each other behind my back. I knew it!” Claire continued.

  “Claire, it’s 7:00 a.m. here, and you just woke me up.” She tried to interrupt me, but I continued before she could. “I did not steal him away from you, and I do not believe he is leaving you for me. He’s my best friend, and we were never seeing each other behind your back. Now do not call me this early ever again, and unless you want to apologize, I am hanging up.”

  I could hear her breathing heavy with anger on the other end of the line, but she never spoke. I gave her no more than ten seconds, and I hung up on her. I was wide awake and pissed off. Either Brad told her it was because of me—and it really is because of me—or he told her that as an easy way out. Either way, he was going to get a very large piece of my mind after I down a cup of coffee and beat the crap out of some tennis balls.

  I threw on my clothes and pulled my hair up high on my head. After washing my face, brushing my teeth, and putting on some deodorant, I was in my car and on my way to grab some coffee. My phone rang, and I didn’t even bother to see who it was before I sent them to voicemail. Whoever wanted to talk to me this early was going to have to wait. I needed to blow off some steam before I can even imagine being civil to anyone.