Holding On

by Rachael Brownell

  I stepped onto the court, and for the first time since waking up this morning, I felt a little more relaxed. There was a slight breeze blowing my ponytail, and I closed my eyes to enjoy the sun on my face for a minute. Before I opened them, I heard the squeak of the gate door, and my stomach dropped. I smelled him before I saw him. It was a familiar smell, something I think my dad used to wear, but somehow different in the best way possible.

  “You’re here early,” he said.

  I was not planning on seeing anyone, and I know that I looked completely disheveled. I kept facing forward, hoping to hide most of myself from him.

  “Yeah, just needed to blow off some steam this morning. What are you doing here?” I did not want to talk about me. “I figured you were the kind of guy to sleep until noon on a Sunday after staying out all night.”

  “Nope.”

  That was all he gave me. A single word with not so much as a small explanation attached to it.

  Fine, I won’t make small talk if he was not interested in making small talk. I was willing to talk to him Friday in the hall, and he disappeared. He lost his chance. I came here to be alone anyway, and now I really felt the need to beat the crap out of some balls.

  I removed my sweatshirt and started to stretch. My shoulder had been feeling pretty good, but I planned on working it hard for the next hour or so. Hopefully, a good stretch beforehand would help keep some of the pain at bay. When I glanced over at Ethan, he was two courts over, stretching as well. He was wearing a fitted white t-shirt and running pants, the kind that snap up to the side and with one quick tug I could pull off him completely. No! I won’t go down that path with my thoughts. I grabbed my racket and a couple of balls. I warmed up my shoulder, and then I couldn’t wait any longer. I tossed the ball and struck it hard. It hit on the line, but close to where I was aiming. My shoulder was getting better every time I worked with it. A small grin formed from the satisfaction it gave me, knowing that I may be able to compete again, despite what the doctor and therapist said, even if just in high school.

  I heard the slam of the ball from Ethan’s court and turned to watch him. He was graceful and powerful in his every move. I could see the muscles of his back stretch and move under his shirt. It was already soaked with sweat, and I was secretly begging him to take it off so that I could see what’s hidden underneath. Then before I realized what’s going on, I was standing only a few feet away from him as he nailed his next serve.

  “Enjoying the show?” he asked, but I was pretty sure he already knew the answer to the question.

  “You’re good,” I stated very manner-of-factly.

  It was an understatement, but it brought out his smile, and for the first time, I notice that he had a dimple in his right cheek that was just too cute for words. That smile was getting closer to me, and I could now pretty much see what was hiding under his sweat-soaked shirt. His abs were impeccable, his arms were more muscular than I noticed before, and his pecks are—pierced?

  I reached out to touch his left nipple and found a barbell piercing. I quickly pulled my hand away when I realized that I just crossed a line that I didn’t even want to be near in the first place. Ethan was a “bad boy.” I took a step back and turned to gather my stuff, but I felt him following me. He was behind me and placed his hand on my right hip. Before I had an opportunity to process what’s about to happen, he spun me around and captured my lips with his.

  I wanted this. I knew I shouldn’t, but I did. His mouth was warm and inviting. His tongue grazed my lower lip, and I opened to him. He tasted sweet and salty from sweating, but it took everything I had to not try and devour him. I pulled back just a little, and his hand moved to the small of my back, pressing me closer to him. I wanted to resist him, but it was pointless. The moment I returned his kiss, I stopped all rational thinking and my legs went weak.

  He pulled away quickly, and we were both gasping for air. I was trying to get my legs to cooperate and hold my weight, but they wouldn’t, and I slid down the fence and landed with a small thud. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He was so beautiful, his body was amazing, and by the size of the bulge in his pants, he was completely turned on. I shifted my gaze back to his face and saw that he was still watching me.

  “Wow!” That was all that I could say between gulping huge breaths. I saw the beginnings of a smile creep up on his face, and I could feel the smile on mine starting to form as well. Both of our chests were rising and falling quickly. My attention was drifting toward his piercing again when he finally found a way to speak.

  “Uh…next time I won’t be able to stop.” He said this like it’s a simple statement, but the real meaning behind it hung in the air.

  Wait, next time? He wants this to happen again? If he won’t be able to stop then, was I ready for that? I just met this guy, yet I was trying to devour him every time I see him. It was like my body had a mind of its own. I was drawn to him in the most animalistic way.

  “Okay.” I knew what he meant, and I wanted to tell him that. I wanted to tell him that stopping was hard for me too, but that was all I could say. This man had reduced me to single-word answers.

  “I have to go. I guess I will see you tomorrow.” Again, he made it sound like a simple statement, but what I hear is, “Can I see you before then?”

  “Okay.”

  Stupid girl. Give him your number, and let him decide if he wants to call you. I want to give him my number, but the words just won’t come out.

  I reached my hand in the air, and he grabbed it and helped me to my feet. I felt empowered by the things that keep happening between us, and so I reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. If I couldn’t say the words, I could at least do something about how I was feeling. I typed my number in and called myself. Once I heard my phone ringing in my bag, I hung up and put his phone back in his pocket.

  Last time, he walked away from me, but this time, I was taking the lead. I threw all my stuff in my bag and headed toward the gate. I heard my phone ringing again and started to rummage through my bag for it. When I saw the number on the screen, I answered it without looking back, knowing that he was watching my every move.

  “Hello?” I tried to sound confused, but the excitement in my voice was overwhelming.

  “Would you like to go to dinner with me tonight?” Ethan asked with a hint of laughter in his voice.

  “I would love to,” I replied, trying my very best to keep my excitement in check. I hung up on him before he could say anything else, and even though I could feel the concrete of the parking lot beneath my feet, I felt like I was walking on air.

  I jumped in my car and typed a quick text to him with my address. His reply was simple: “7pm,” and the butterflies in my stomach started to fly freely. The entire drive home was like a dream, and even as I was getting out of the shower, I felt like I was on cloud nine. I had forgotten all about the way I woke up that morning and was now focused on my “date” tonight if you want to call it that.

  I jumped when my phone started to ring. I realized that I was still going to have to face this stupid situation with Claire when I saw Brad’s name on my caller ID. I was trying to decide if I want to answer it or not when my voicemail snagged the call and decided for me. I felt instantly like crap for avoiding him. Did he know that Claire called me this morning? Selfishly, I waited for my voicemail to chime and listened to it before I decide if I should call him back.

  “Hey. I just wanted to chat. I talked to my parents about coming out for a visit, and they said they would think about it.” There was such a long pause I was about to hang up when he continued. “I know Claire called you this morning, and I am sorry. I want to talk to you about that and a couple of other things, but I can’t do it in a voicemail, so you have to call me back. I’ll talk to you soon hopefully.”

  During the last part of his message, I could hear the difference in his voice. He sounded wounded, defeated, and empty. Emma had said that he looked sad, and now I could hear it in his
voice. Was I actually responsible for this? He was my best friend, and I was avoiding him, even avoiding answering his phone calls. I missed him terribly, but I couldn’t even take a few minutes to talk with him, hash out the problems that seem to keep arising? I felt like a horrible person.

  Just as I was about to call him and apologize, my mom knocked on my door and opened it. I waved her in and tossed my phone on my bed. Before she said anything, she took in her surroundings. My room was destroyed. I had clothes tossed everywhere, some clean and some dirty. Most of them had been tossed there in the last twenty minutes while I had been trying to find something to wear tonight.

  “So are you cleaning out your closet?” She said this with a smile because the last time she found me in my room like this, I was getting ready for my first real date.

  “Nope. Just trying to find something to wear. All my clothes are less fashionable here. I really need to go shopping. The trends are way different,” I said trying not to sound like I was complaining. It’s all truth, but I really don’t care that much about the trends. I’m not much of a girly girl. I go more for comfort.

  “Well, if there’s a special occasion, then you should buy a new outfit.” She knew what was going on but was going to make me say it. I was seventeen years old, but I think she still wanted me to ask permission to go out. Thankfully, she didn’t ask any more probing questions because I really didn’t have any really good answers for her.

  “That would be great if I could. Just one outfit though. I don’t need anything else right now.”

  “Okay. Well, let’s get your sister around, and we can take a trip to the mall. I heard it’s pretty big, so we should be able to find you something there.”

  A trip to the mall with my mom was going to lead to a lot of girl time, a lot of talking, and probably a lot more shopping that I needed today. It would also give me an excuse to not answer my phone, and that was what finally drew me in, I guess.

  “Sounds good. Thanks, Mom.” I meant it. I had been pretty mean to her and barely spoken to her in weeks, and now I was trying to make it up to her by spending the day with her at the mall. That was a lie. I was trying to spend a day with her at the mall to get a new outfit and avoid the part of my crazy life that was thousands of miles away.

  Chapter Six

  Shopping with my mother wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. She bought me a few outfits and didn’t ask any prying questions. I knew she was waiting for me to give her details or at least tell her what was going on, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t sure what was really happening, and I didn’t want to get myself any more excited than I already was.

  Once I got home, I decided that it would be better to call Brad and get the conversation over with. If I continued to avoid it, I was going to become consumed by it, and that was the last thing I wanted to be thinking about tonight. I wanted to get a few things off my chest and be able to relax during dinner.

  “Hello?” He sounded like he was confused.

  “Hey, what’s going on?” I wanted to sound carefree. I didn’t want him to know that I got his voicemail, but why else would I be calling?

  “Oh, hey! I wasn’t expecting to hear from you today. What’s up?”

  Really? He left me a voicemail and called me twice this morning alone, and he wasn’t expecting to hear from me? Did he think I forgot Claire called me? What the hell! The longer I let myself think and the longer the pause lasted, the more upset I let myself get. I took a deep relaxing breath and decided to not think too much into what he was saying.

  “You called me, remember? I was just returning your call. What did you want to talk to me about?” I could hear the irritation in my voice, so I knew he could. So much for calming down.

  “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I know Claire lit into you this morning for no reason, and I figured I owed you some sort of explanation.”

  “That would be nice. It sure sounded like she thought she had a reason to be pissed at me.”

  “Well, after we broke up that night I was on the phone with you, I haven’t really been returning her calls. She finally showed up here the other day and wanted a better explanation for why I broke it off. When I didn’t want to talk about it, she went on a rant about you and me. She pretty much figured out that I broke up with her because of you.”

  “What! Why would you let her think that? I told you to get back together with her. We are too far apart right now to even consider moving ahead in our relationship.” Did I just say relationship? I meant friendship. Crap! I needed to calm down and think before I speak, or else I am going to give him mixed signals, and I already have enough of those to deal with these days. I couldn’t tell him how I really felt.

  “I let her think that because it’s true, Becca. Don’t you see it? I don’t want to be with her because she’s not you!”

  Oh my god. I know this is the part where you are supposed to tell the other person that you love them and want to be with them. I know there are things that I was supposed to say to him right now, but I just couldn’t find the words. The distance isn’t supposed to matter when you care about someone. You are supposed to push harder to get what you want, not push the other person away. But that’s what I had decided to do. Not because I don’t love him and not because I don’t want to be with him. I decide to do it because of the distance. The only thing going through my mind right before the words spill out is that I am going to lose my best friend.

  After I hung up, I started to cry and successfully cried myself to sleep. I knew that I just lied to him. I told him that I didn’t want what he wanted, that I didn’t want to be with him, that it wouldn’t work with the distance. I gave him all the classic reason when you break up with someone. The problem with that scenario is that we were not even dating. I really just broke up with my best friend and that sucks even worse.

  I woke up and realized that I only had about an hour to get ready for dinner. I started to rush around and get ready, and before I knew it the doorbell rang, and I wasn’t even dressed. I wanted to be ready and out the door so that he didn’t have to come in, but that just wasn’t going to happen.

  I heard my mom answer the door and let him in. She hollered for me, and I stuck my head out my door and told her I would only be a few minutes. When I finally made it downstairs, getting dressed and putting on my makeup in record time, Ethan was sitting at the breakfast bar talking with my mom.

  I was not really comfortable with this situation. Ethan and I hadn’t even had time to sit down and have a conversation.

  So we said our good-byes and headed out the door. Without a word, he opened the passenger door and I got in the car. Once we were pulling out of the driveway, I felt comfortable enough to apologize.

  “Sorry I wasn’t ready when you got there. I wasn’t planning on having you meet my mom or anything.”

  “Really? Why not? I put on a clean shirt just to impress her.” I looked over and saw him grinning from ear to ear, his dimple winking at me, but he never took his eyes off the road.

  “Well, now that we have that out of the way, where are we going?”

  “There’s this place I like to go. It’s got a great view and the food’s decent.”

  I still hadn’t figured my way around the city yet, but I knew we were not headed toward town. The road we were on was leading us away from almost any restaurant we could want, and in just a few minutes, we would be headed up the mountain. I was pretty sure that having a “nice view” was going to be an understatement.

  “So how was the rest of your day?”

  I was trying to think about how I really wanted to answer that question. It wasn’t supposed to be so loaded, and he probably had no idea that it was.

  “It was okay. I went shopping for some new clothes with my mom and then took an unscheduled nap. That’s why I was running late. Normally, I would have been ready on time, but I fell asleep.”

  “It really isn’t a big deal, Becca.”

  The way he said my name made my s
tomach turn itself over. Wow! I was sitting there, twirling my hair around my finger and biting my lip. All would be signs to any guy that I wanted something from him, but Ethan wasn’t looking at me, thankfully.

  I let the conversation die as we wound our way up the mountain. Ten minutes later, he pulled into an overlook and turned the car off. We sat in silence for a few minutes before he unlocked his seatbelt and opened his door.

  “Were here,” he announced like it was no big deal. I looked around and saw a large parking lot and a brick half wall in front of us. Not exactly the way I pictured our night going.

  He came around and opened the door for me and helped me out of the car. After closing my door, he opened the back door and pulled out a picnic basket and a blanket. This was going to be way better than I pictured.

  We walked ahead to the wall, and Ethan spread the blanket out over the top of it. I was so caught up in watching him I hadn’t noticed the view, but when I did, I was entranced. The lights from the city were absolutely beautiful, and you could see all the way across town from where we were. Looking up, I noticed how clear the sky was. You could see almost every constellation. With the lights of the city below us, there was nothing blocking our view. It was truly beautiful up here and a little bit romantic.

  He helped me up on the wall and then began to unpack the basket he was carrying. As he unpacked things, I continued to stare out at the city. I had never seen anything like it before. I was sure that the only thing more beautiful than the sight of the city at night from up here was a sunset. I wondered what it would look like. We were facing south, so the sunset would be to our right, over another set of mountains.

  Ethan hopped up on the wall next to me. The food was between us, but he was still within arm’s reach, and I could feel the heat radiating from his body. He handed me a bottled water and a sandwich but still hadn’t said anything. We sat in silence for a while and ate before he finally broke the tension hanging in the air.