Holding On

by Rachael Brownell

  I drove home through the tears. I knew that what I was feeling was a new kind of loss. When I finally pulled in my driveway, I noticed Ethan’s car parked on the curb, and I wondered why he was there. I didn’t want to deal with “us” right now. I didn’t want to deal with us at all, to tell you the truth. I hadn’t heard from him, not even a single text since he caught me and Brad kissing in the car. I figured that I had ruined any chance I had with him in that very moment, but here he was. My door suddenly opened, and I was pulled out and into his arms.

  He held me while I cried. He kissed my hair and stroked my back to try and calm me, but it only made things worse. I wanted to be in Brad’s arms at that moment. I missed him and felt like I had lost him forever. Why couldn’t my heart make up its mind already?

  “You know, he’s a great friend.” I heard him whisper in my ear but wasn’t able to comprehend what he was saying in that moment as another loud sob escaped my throat.

  “I know.” I sobbed.

  “Do you really?”

  Was he really questioning me about this? Brad was my best friend. I knew how great he was. Why did he think I was crying? My best friend just left me. We had been torn apart again. I was getting angry just thinking about it.

  My tears subsided, and I whipped my head up to look at him. I pushed out of his grasp and crossed my arms over my chest. “Of course, I know how great he is. I’m the one who’s had the privilege of being friends with him for most of my life. You only met him once! You have no right to even talk about our friendship!”

  I knew I was screaming. I knew I was probably causing a small scene. My neighbors would be able to hear if their windows were open. I just didn’t care. I was pissed off.

  “He loves you. Did you know that?” Ethan asked.

  Hearing someone else say it was surreal. I knew he loved me, but how did Ethan know?

  “He told me how important you are to him. He also tried to kick my ass because he thought I hurt you. We had a nice talk after he calmed down.”

  Brad had tried to do what? When had this happened? Crap! I left them alone when I ran into the bathroom at the party. How long had I been in there for all of this to happen?

  The surprise in my voice was obvious. “Really? It must have been a pretty short conversation. I wasn’t gone all that long, and you were both inside when I came out of the bathroom. Plus, he never mentioned anything to me about talking to you. He would have told me.”

  “Well, we did talk. I’m sorry he didn’t tell you, but our conversation was pretty short. Basically, he told me he loved you and that you would need me right now. He told me that once he was gone, I was responsible for you, to take care of you.”

  “God, you guys make it sound like I’m incapable of handling anything myself.”

  “No, that’s not what he meant. He knew that you would need me here when you got back from the airport. He knew that you would need someone to hold you, to let you cry, and to comfort you. I’d say he knows you better than you know yourself.”

  The grin that was creeping across his face was starting to piss me off. Was it the grin or the fact that everything he was saying was right? Damn Brad! He knew I would be a hot mess when he left, and he made sure that there was someone here to pick up the pieces.

  “Well, you’re not doing a very good job since you’ve only managed to make me angry. I will have to report back to him that you suck.” I was teasing him, of course. I could feel a smile tugging at my lips, and I was trying to hide it.

  “Actually, I must be doing quite well if you are trying that hard to hide your beautiful smile. Not to mention you have stopped crying.” You could hear the pride in his voice as he spoke.

  I let my smile free, and when he reached out, I let him pull me back into his arms and hold me.

  “So since I now have Natalie’s approval and Brad’s approval, will you please go out with me?” He was still holding me tightly, and I must have tensed up when he asked because he pulled me away slightly and lifted my head so that I was looking right into his eyes. “I told you we would get past this and we would be together.”

  “I don’t understand. You talked to Natalie? You talked to Brad? When did you have time to accomplish all of this? Why?”

  “Technically, they talked to me. Natalie caught me staring at you at her party and came over to me. I was nervous at first because she hadn’t talked to me in so long, and after seeing her reaction to us at the coffee shop, I thought she was going to ask me to leave, even though she had made a point of inviting me. Brad told me to take care of you. He knew by the look on your face who I was before you even bolted into the house. I’m sure he will have some questions, but he knows that I won’t hurt you.”

  Wow! I was pretty sure I said that aloud but before I could say anything else his lips were on mine, and I melted into him.

  Chapter Eleven

  The first few weeks we were “together,” we kept to ourselves mostly. I still wasn’t comfortable flaunting our relationship in front of anyone, especially Natalie. She never asked about us, and I never offered any information. I think the lack of knowledge was what held our friendship together. I wanted to talk to her about what she saw at the coffee shop, but I didn’t want to push my luck. So far, our friendship was still intact.

  Brad, on the other hand, wanted to know everything. The first time we talked after his trip was unbelievable. He interrogated me for almost an hour about Ethan. He sounded normal, but I could tell that he was fighting some inner battles.

  “So Ethan was there when you got home,” Brad stated.

  “How did you know that?” I asked. I knew that he told Ethan to be there, but I was still stunned. He didn’t even say hello when he answered. Instead, he started right with the questions about another guy. I just put him on a plane five hours ago.

  “He promised he would be.”

  Simple as that. Somehow Brad had managed to make sure I was taken care of even without being in the same city. He trusted Ethan at his word, and Ethan had followed through, thankfully.

  “He was. I’m not sure what you two talked about, but he was here so thank you.”

  “I promised you I would always take care of you. You don’t have to thank me for caring about you. That comes naturally, and it’s free of charge.” I could hear the smile on his face growing bigger as he spoke. He sounded happy. Happy for me, I think.

  “How was your flight?” I was trying to change the subject, and I knew he would catch on, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk to him about Ethan yet. It still felt a little weird. Eight days ago, I was kissing Brad in my car, and a few hours ago, I was kissing Ethan in my driveway.

  “It was fine. I took a nap and got caught up on some reading for school.” He paused, and I knew he wanted to say more, to ask the questions that I didn’t want to answer. He needed answers. So, I let him ask his questions, answering the ones that I could for a while until I was burnt out. My mind was reeling with questions of my own.

  “Well, it’s kind of late there. Why don’t you get some rest and call me tomorrow? I have a tournament in the morning, but I should be home about six or so, my time.”

  “Sure. You do realize that you are doing a horrible job of avoiding things right?”

  Damn him! “I know, but I just don’t know if I can talk about him with you any more right now. It just doesn’t feel right for some reason.” The truth will set you free, right? He’s going to drop the subject now, right?

  “I get it, but I want you to think about something for me. If I didn’t think that you would be taken care of, if I didn’t think that he really cared for you, if I didn’t think that you cared about him…would I really have made sure that he was there when you got home?” His tone was serious. He wanted to make sure that I really understood why he had asked Ethan to be there for me. My silence must have been a huge green light for him to continue. “I know you are confused right now, and I know that our relationship is changing, again, but I want you to know that I a
m still here for you, and when you come home in a few months, I will be here then as well, no matter what has happened or does happen.”

  Home? I was fingering my ring again. As I stared at it, I remembered the words that Brad had said to me in my car the night I told him I was moving. You live here, Becca. You will always live here.

  I would be in his heart forever. I could still be his friend, or I could choose to be more. He was giving me that choice, and from the way he made it sound, I had until I went home for the summer to decide. No matter what happens between now and then, I was free to choose him when I went home.

  “I know.” It was all I could come up with. I understood exactly what he was saying, and I knew I had a choice to make. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

  “I’ll call you tomorrow night. Good luck at you tournament, Becca.”

  “Thanks. Good night.”

  It was getting close to the end of the school year, and things were starting to get busier and busier for me. I was planning the yearbook- release party that was two weeks before the end of school. My classes were getting more intense, and homework was beginning to become a bit overwhelming with my tennis schedule. Not to mention trying to find time to spend with Ethan was almost impossible these days.

  I was chosen to play a few extra tournaments to represent the school’s tennis team. I knew that there were scouts watching me, but since I was only a junior this year, I also knew that it didn’t matter. Injuries don’t take but a second to snap your dreams in half. That, I knew firsthand.

  On top of all that, Ethan still hadn’t asked me to prom, and I only had a few weeks left to find a dress if we were going to go. Our relationship was still going strong, but I was only able to see him a few nights a week. My weekends were spent catching up on homework, and I almost always had a tournament on Saturdays.

  When my phone rang Sunday afternoon, I was surprised to see that Ethan was calling me instead of texting first. He never wanted to interrupt me and pretty much insisted that he would text me and that I could call him when I had time. That was not the case today apparently. I had just finished Skyping with my dad, and I was almost finished with my homework anyway, so I snatched my phone and picked up his call.

  “Hello, handsome.”

  “Well, hello to you too, gorgeous. What are you doing on this fine Sunday afternoon?”

  He started calling me gorgeous a few weeks after we started dating, and I couldn’t really understand it. I was average height, only five feet five inches, and average build. My hair was great, one of my favorite features, along with my bluish-hazel eyes and long eyelashes. I didn’t understand what he thought was so beautiful about me, but it didn’t matter, and I never asked. Instead, I would go silent, just like right now, and blush uncontrollably. I think that was part of why he kept doing it.

  I cleared my throat and whispered out my answer, “Nothing”. “I see that you are blushing again. Do you have any idea how adorable that is? I love that I can make you blush like that.”

  “Well, I don’t mind it when no one else can see it, but it’s a little embarrassing when people turn to stare at me in the halls.” Wait, did he just say that he could see my blush? “Where are you?”

  “So did you want to get together this afternoon? We can either go volley if you want, or maybe go to lunch, grab a coffee? We can do whatever you want to do.”

  “Sure,” I said hesitantly. “Let me just get changed.”

  “You look fine in what you’re wearing. Why are you so nervous? You keep playing with your ring.” he asked. Trying to keep his laughter to a minimum.

  Okay, this is creepy. How in the hell can he see me?

  “You left your webcam on.”

  Crap! I had said that out loud. “Okay, mister,” I said, turning to my laptop and turning off my screensaver. There he was—shirtless and all mine. I turned up the volume on my laptop, ended the call on my phone, and tossed it on my bed.

  I was completely distracted by his body. I could barely see his piercing at the bottom of the screen, but I did get a pretty good shot of his tattoo. The first time he took his shirt off in front of me after we started dating, I jumped at the opportunity to touch it. The intricate design was beautiful, six infinity symbols all linked together. It wrapped around his upper arm completely. He said it had a meaning but had never told me what it was. That first night, I traced every inch of it with my fingertips for a long time before he stopped me. Looking up at him, I could see the lust in his eyes.

  “This little stunt pretty much makes you a peeping tom. What if I had been changing?”

  “Then I definitely wouldn’t have told you I was watching.” I could hear his voice had just a little bit of naughty behind it, but his face remained deadly serious.

  “Perv! I need to change, so I am going to turn my webcam off now. How long before you’re here?”

  “Give me fifteen minutes, and then I’ll be on my way. I need to grab a shower first.” His bathroom was in his room. I could see it over his shoulder. I wondered if he was going to keep his webcam on. Naughty!

  “Okay. I’ll see you in a bit then. Later.”

  I signed off and let out a big sigh. Things were going so great right now that I didn’t want them to change, and in just a few short weeks, everything was going to be different. He was graduating, and I was leaving for three weeks to visit my dad. Then when I get back, we will only have two months before he had to leave for college. Where was he going again? Had he told me? I should ask him today.

  I needed to stop worrying about the things I could not change and get a grip on the present. I got up, changing into a cute pair of Capri pants and a tank. I found my favorite wedge sandals and pulled my hair back in a messy ponytail. After a few swipes of mascara and some blush, I gazed at myself in the mirror and realized that I had achieved the perfect look. I looked relaxed. It didn’t look like I was trying too hard to impress him, even though I always wanted to.

  An hour later, we were pulling into our favorite coffee shop, the Bean. I waited for him to open my door for me, always the gentleman, and climbed out. As we headed inside hand in hand, I heard my phone ringing in my purse. I paused to answer it and motioned for him to keep going.

  Without looking at the screen, I picked up and said hello.

  “Hey, girly! Whatcha up to?” Natalie’s voice echoed through the phone, and I forgot to breathe. I had managed not to talk about Ethan with her up until this point, and now I had no choice. “I was gonna see if you wanted to get together with me and Jill tonight for dinner. We haven’t hung out in a while, and we miss you.”

  “Sure. Sounds great. What time did you want to meet up?” I asked trying not to sound caught off guard. That was easy. I could grab coffee with Ethan and then meet up with them, no need to discuss anything.

  “Well, how about seven? Morgan gets off work at six, and I know he will want to come.”

  Great. I thought it was gonna be just the girls. Morgan and I get along just fine, but his friend Ben started to creep me out after he sent me that picture of Ethan and I kissing in the hallway. After Ethan and I started dating, being around Morgan reminded me of Ben and his creepy tendencies. Plus, Ben was like Morgan’s shadow. They pretty much went everywhere together.

  “That’s fine. Send me a text of where everyone wants to go, and I’ll catch up with you guys there.” I replied quickly, wanting to get off the phone with her so that I could get inside.

  “Sounds good. Did you want to invite Ethan to come along?” Her voice was sincere as she said his name. There was no hint of anger.

  What? Did she really just ask me that? “Um, sure. I’ll see if he’s interested and get back to you.”

  “All right. See you tonight. Later, girly.”

  She was so bubbly and overly eager to see me and Ethan. It felt like something was going on, and that made me a little uneasy. No time to think about it right now. Ethan was waiting for me. I walked in the coffee shop to see him at a table in the corner wit
h our drinks.

  “Who was that? You look a little confused.” Ethan asked sounding concerned.

  “That was Natalie. She invited us out to dinner tonight with a bunch of friends.” I said, the confusion in my voice blatantly obvious. I waited to see his reaction, but he gave none so I continued. “I told her I would ask if you wanted to come but that I would meet up with them. Do you want to go with us?” I knew my question was asked with hesitance. I wasn’t sure what he would say or how he would feel about going out with a girl he used to date.

  “Sure. So we need to talk about prom.” He changed the subject so quickly I almost tried to stop him until I heard prom, and then I was all ears. “I bought our tickets Friday at lunch. I plan on getting a limo and was wondering if you wanted to go with a group of my friends or a group of yours?”

  I was staring at him in shock, but my excitement was building and about to spill over. “You know,” I start teasingly, “you are supposed to ask a girl to the prom and not assume you have a date.”

  “Well, since you are my girlfriend, then I would have to take out any other guys who ask you so you are available to go with me?”

  “I didn’t say that I would go with anyone else. I said you needed to ask me to go with you.” At this point, we both started leaning across the table toward each other. Our words were getting softer, and I know where this was headed. When our foreheads finally met and I closed my eyes, he started to speak.

  “Becca, will you go to the prom with me?”

  I leaned over and gave him a kiss right before I nodded my head yes and kissed him again, this time with a bit more passion. As I pulled away, I saw that his eyes were filled with lust again, and it amazed me that it only took one kiss for him to want me completely. The feeling was mutual.