Holding On

by Rachael Brownell

  Dinner with my friends was amazing. Ethan decided to not join us, and once I got there, I was glad that he hadn’t. Ben and Morgan were there along with Jill, Lainey, and Natalie. It would have made things a little awkward to have him by my side, especially since Ben kept staring at me like he was going to eat me alive. That would have caused a huge problem if Ethan had seen him.

  All things aside, I stayed away from Ben completely and immersed myself in an intense conversation with Jill about next year’s yearbook staff and who was going to be responsible for what. Jill had been chosen as the editor-in-chief for next year. I was happy for her, but a little jealous if I was being honest. I was chosen as an assistant editor, as well as Natalie, so the three of us were going to be running the show next year.

  After dinner, I went home and looked for a prom dress online. I found a few I wanted to try on and decided that I was going to do that Tuesday after practice. I had a big match tomorrow, one of the last for the year, and I needed to get some sleep so that I was at my best. With the season ending in a few weeks, I wanted to make sure that I gave my best performance, ensuring a spot on the team for next year. Every match counts.

  Right before I turned my lights off, I got a text from Brad saying, “Good luck.” I knew he was talking about my match. I quickly replied with “Thanks,” and then I was dreaming peacefully for the next seven hours.

  Chapter Twelve

  I had my last tennis match yesterday, winning 90 percent this year. I was still celebrating when I woke up this morning until I realized what day it was. Prom is tonight. What most people think of as the biggest event of the year was finally here for me. I think I was more nervous than excited. There are so many stereotypical expectations for tonight that I just feel a little confused as to how I wanted things to go. I went with my mom this morning to get my hair and nails done.

  I was waiting to put on my dress until I’d hear Ethan ring the bell. It was emerald green satin, floor-length, and form fitting. It dipped low enough in the back that I couldn’t wear a bra, which was not a huge deal, considering my size, but it also dipped low in the front. I’ve got my ring on, as usual, and I bought a pair of stud earrings to match. They were small and fake, of course, but they matched my ring and the dress. It all matched Ethan’s eyes. I was twisting my ring around my finger when I heard the doorbell and jumped out of my skin.

  I slipped into my dress and shoes. I double-check my hair and makeup before I slipped my phone in my clutch and walked down the stairs, pausing before I went into the living room. As I turned the corner, I could see my mom, camera ready, waiting for me. The huge smile on her face told me that Ethan looked fabulous even before I saw him. When I did, the only thing I could think was that fabulous couldn’t even begin to describe him.

  He’s wearing a black tux with a vest that perfectly matched my dress. I never told him what I bought, so I could only assume my mom did. He was holding my corsage box in his hand and was staring at it nervously. I realized that I was smiling like a fool, and that all my nerves have dissipated. Just seeing him had calmed me.

  “Hey,” I said. When he looked up, I could see that he was stumbling for something to say, so I continued, “You look great!”

  “Wow! You look…” Ethan stuttered as he looked me up and down. I did a little twirl and that threw him off completely. “Wow!”

  After all the times I had been limited to one-word answers around him, I had finally been able to turn the tables. Just to push the point home, I twirled around one more time before I made my way over to him.

  “Thanks,” I said trying to hide my mischievous smile.

  He just nodded his head and opened the box of my corsage. As he slipped it on my wrist, I realize that it too matched my dress perfectly. Did they have to dye the leaves to make it match or something?

  We posed for about a hundred pictures, inside and outside, for my mom before we headed out front. In true Ethan form, he had actually rented a limo. We had decided to ride with his friends to the prom and hang out with mine afterward. I was still a little leery about being in the same room with Ethan and Natalie, but I figured she would be a bit nicer with alcohol in her.

  The first thing I noticed when we stepped inside was exactly how beautiful the ballroom was. It really made me feel like we were “Under the Stars,” which was this year’s theme apparently. It was decorated like an outside park, and the entire ceiling was glowing with stars laid out in the form of constellations. It reminded me a little of how the sky looked the first time I went out with Ethan. It felt romantic.

  We danced for hours, not an inch of space between us. I could feel every muscle in his back as we moved, and for a minute, as I slid my hand up to the back of his neck and pulled him in for a kiss, I forgot we weren’t the only two people in the room.

  He pulled away and grabbed my hand. We had been dancing for a while, and I was hoping that we were going get a drink, but we were not. He pulled me past our table, only pausing a brief step to grab my clutch. We kept right on going until we were outside and stepping into our limo. I slid over the seat to make room for him, but as soon as the door closed, he was pulling me back to him. As his hands moved up my bare back, I closed my eyes, and he rested his forehead on mine. He asked the driver to take us to his house, and we were off. When I opened my eyes again, he leaned in and kissed me.

  Ethan’s house was only ten minutes away, but by the time we were there, I was straddling him, and we were in a full on make out session with the driver in clear view. Ethan had forgotten to close the privacy window. This was our stop. When we got out, Ethan tipped the driver since we wouldn’t be needing him for the rest of the night and asked him to head back to pick up his friends.

  He slipped his fingers in between mine and pulled me to him. He only kissed me once before he helped me into his car, and we were driving to my house. The drive felt like it took forever. I wasn’t sure why I was nervous or what I thought was about to happen, but my stomach had butterflies attacking it.

  My mom was gone for work, and my sister was staying at a friend’s tonight, so it was dark when we arrived. I turned on every light as I made my way to my bedroom to change. Ethan got us a couple bottles of water and was only a few steps behind me. I could feel his eyes on me from the doorway as I stepped out of my dress. I didn’t turn around, but I knew he was there. Before I knew what was happening Ethan was wrapping his arms around my waist.

  Oh my god! I was pretty much completely naked in Ethan’s arms. What do I do now? I’d never been in this position before, and he knew it. My reluctance to go beyond kissing screamed virgin. He said he didn’t care, but right now, his body was telling me a different story. I could feel the bulge in his pants pressing into the small of my back.

  “It’s okay. I know you are freaking out inside your head, but I want you to know that we don’t have to. I don’t plan on doing anything tonight that you don’t want me to. Prom doesn’t change anything. You know I’m willing to wait until you’re ready.”

  I could feel my body relax as I allowed his words to sink in. He was so good to me. He wanted to wait until I was ready, but what if I would never really feel ready? Isn’t tonight just as good as any? No! I would not be a stereotypical girl who loses her virginity on prom night.

  I leaned back into him, and he hugged me closer. I could feel my desire for him building. I wanted this, whatever this was, to continue. I turned in his arms, and my mouth was on his. We walked backward to my bed, and I fell on top of him. I didn’t have the slightest clue what I was doing, but I knew that I didn’t want to take my hand off of him right now.

  As we arrive at the after-party, I realized that my hair was a bit messy and my makeup should have been touched up. All of Ethan’s tux was wrinkled from me molesting him for the last hour. He wanted more but understood when I said no. Instead, he teased and tortured me until I couldn’t take it anymore and allowed him to touch me. I will never regret that moment for the rest of my life.

  I spott
ed Natalie and Jill in the kitchen and walked over to say hi, with Ethan just a few steps behind me. The look on Natalie’s face, as we approached, was shocking. She was looking between the two of us. I could not tell if the look was of disgust or pure hatred. I tried to say hello to her, but she quickly turned and stormed off, leaving the three of us standing there with our mouths agape in surprise.

  “Hey, Jill, what the hell was that all about?”

  “Not really sure. We were having a great time, and then her mood flipped, and she was gone. You know as much as I do.”

  I realized at that point that our disheveled looks may have given her the wrong impression. She probably thought the worst. I was not really sure at that point why that would upset her, but knowing Natalie, when she’d talk to me again, I was sure to find out the whole story in one long breath. Should I go now, or should I let her calm down first?

  “I’m going to go and find her. I’ll be back in a minute.” Ethan said. I could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

  I had forgot for a moment that Ethan was standing behind me until he kissed me before setting off to find Natalie.

  Jill and I grabbed a red cup and headed to the basement to get a beer. I spotted a couple of girls from the tennis team and waved, but I still had yet to be completely accepted enough to go over and strike up an unnecessary conversation. The fact that they looked like they had been drinking for a while already explained why their return waves were a little more enthusiastic than normal.

  As we slowly made our way back up to the kitchen, we got stopped every couple of feet to talk to someone new. This would be the very first party that I had gone to and felt comfortable since moving here. The people tonight seem to be very accepting of me. It was almost like I could now be a part of their “club” because of who I was dating and who my friends were.

  At the top of the stairs, I saw Morgan sitting at the bar in the kitchen with Ben. Jill headed that way before I could stop her, so I followed and made sure that I was not within arm’s reach of Ben. I stood next to Jill, farthest from Ben, and tried not to make eye contact with him.

  “Hey, guys, have you seen Natalie anywhere?” I asked.

  “I thought she was with you,” Morgan said, his concern obvious. Morgan had the most confused look on his face. Obviously, they had come to the party together, but now his date was missing.

  “She got mad at me earlier and stormed off,” I said. I pulled out my phone to send Ethan a text when he reappeared. “Hey, is she okay?”

  “Yeah, she’s fine.” He stated, unable to make eye contact with me which caused a few alarms to go off in my head.

  That’s it? No explanation?

  He must have seen the look I gave him because he leaned down, kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear, “I’ll explain later.”

  With that, he lightly tugged on my hand. I spun toward him, and he led us to the living room where everyone was slow dancing to an upbeat, fast song. I went along with it and snuggled up to his chest, wanting to be as close to him as humanly possible. After a few beats, the song changed, and it was actually a slow one. The living room started to become crammed with people, and our space was becoming minimal, so I motioned for us to head back to the kitchen.

  As we approached, I could see that Natalie was in there. Ethan stopped me and pulled me to the side, backing me up against a wall with his body. He kissed me on the forehead before resting his head against mine. It looked like he was going to explain right now.

  “She was upset because she thought we had sex.” He paused, trying to gauge my reaction to what he was saying, but I had none. I had already figured that part out. What I need to know was the why. When my pleading look and silence urged him to continue, he did. “When we were together we never…I mean, we almost but…well, she wanted to, but I couldn’t bring myself to because she was a virgin and I…”

  He couldn’t even finish his sentence. Natalie knew I was a virgin, and she must have thought that I had given up my V card to him and that he had taken it after he wouldn’t take hers. That would upset me too. Maybe I should talk to her? I didn’t get a chance to say anything before he continued though.

  “Look, I couldn’t have sex with her, but it had nothing to do with her virginity. Our relationship was…unstable, for lack of a better word. One minute we were great, and the next we were fighting. It was like riding a rollercoaster, and the only time that she wanted to go all the way was when we were making up from a major fight. I was trying to be a stand-up guy and not take advantage of her in a weak moment. She doesn’t exactly see it that way.”

  I could see the defeat in his eyes. I could tell that he felt bad for upsetting her, but I knew that it wasn’t his fault.

  It’s prom night, damn it! We should all be getting along, having fun, and drinking. There should be no fighting, no drama, and no crying. I had just gotten rid of all the drama in my life and wanted to relax and have fun for once.

  I wrapped my arms around him and pulled myself tight up against his body. I wanted him to know that I was happy to be here with him. I wanted him to feel the positive energy my body was giving off. Holy crap! I could feel him…wow!

  “Sorry, my body has a mind of its own.” Ethan said, not sounding the least bit sorry for his body’s reaction.

  I looked up and I could actually see the faintest amount of blush in his cheeks. How cute. “He may want to get a better grip on his ‘thoughts’ before everyone can read his mind. We have people to go mingle with. Do you need a minute?”

  His smile told me he did, but there was also a hint of lust in his eyes that told me he won’t be able to control himself for much longer. “Why don’t we say our good-byes and head back to your place?” Ethan suggested. When he saw that my eyes got a little bigger at his suggestion, he kissed my cheek. “I wasn’t meaning that. I was thinking we could watch a movie and cuddle on the couch.”

  “Oh!” It came out a little more exasperated than I had planned. I was relieved that he wasn’t trying to push me and I couldn’t hide that fact. “That sounds fine. It’s getting late anyway.”

  As we made our way into the kitchen to say good-bye to our friends, I noticed that Natalie won’t make eye contact with either one of us. As I was about to approach her to give her a hug and say good-bye, she whispered something in Morgan’s ear, and they took off. She looked back at me over her shoulder and gave me a shit-eating grin. That could not be good.

  Chapter Thirteen

  The wrap party for yearbook was the Saturday before the end of the year. Our book was finished, and the time to relax was upon us. Natalie and I seemed to be back to normal. We never talked about prom or the after party or the weird vibes that she had been giving off. I thought about bringing up the subject at lunch a few days after prom, but when Natalie got up to get a soda, Jill told me to not say anything about prom. She said she would explain to me why later, and I decided that it was best to drop the subject.

  That afternoon in yearbook, Jill pulled me aside and into her new office. We started to talk about next year’s book for a few minutes but when I heard the click of the outside door, I glanced over my shoulder to see that Natalie had just walked out. Jill let out a heavy sigh and told me what was going on.

  “She was upset that night because she thought you and Ethan had slept together.”

  “I know, Ethan told me. What’s up with that anyway? She knows we’re dating.”

  “I think she may still have a small thing for him, even if she won’t admit it. Don’t get me wrong. She really likes Morgan, but Ethan was her first ‘love’, and I think she’s having a hard time letting go of those feelings.”

  “I really don’t know what to say to that. Why does that make her mad at me? It’s not like I stole him away from her.” But I kind of did. If I hadn’t shown up, would they have gotten back together?

  “She knows that. Plus, it’s not like she doesn’t want to be with Morgan. I think she needed to prove that to herself the other night, and she m
ay be regretting that a little bit right now.” She paused and waited for me to catch on. The look of shock on my face must have given it away. “Yep, she gave him her V card.”

  “Holy crap! Is she okay?”

  “She says she’s fine, but I’m not really sure. She doesn’t want to talk about it. It’s not like it was very romantic or anything from what she has told me. I think she wanted it to be more special and was upset because it wasn’t.”

  I understood that. I want my first time to be special too. It has to be in the right place. It has to be with the right person. It has to be the right everything. That was why I was scared to let things go too far. I didn’t want to regret my first time. I didn’t want to look back and wonder, Why him? Why then? I wanted fond memories of my first time, even if I wasn’t still with that person. I wanted to make sure I was in love, or as close to it as possible.

  After that conversation with Jill, I decided to not speak another word about prom unless Natalie brought it up. We resumed our friendship as if nothing had ever happened. We had coffee after school most days now that I was finished with tennis for the year. We went to a few parties after prom with Ethan and Morgan in tow. Never once did it seem like she was regretting her decision, but I also caught her staring at me and Ethan every once in a while with a bewildering look in her eyes. She was jealous, but not of me. She was jealous of our relationship. She wanted to feel like we felt about each other. That’s when I realized how much I was truly involved in this relationship. I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself, but I was on the brink of falling madly in love with him, and it took everything that I had to fight those feelings.

  The party was being hosted by Ethan’s parents as a way to celebrate the final chapter of his participation in yearbook. They also mentioned that they would like to celebrate the fact that I was replacing him as an assistant editor, something I didn’t even know at the time. I thought that it would cause a fuss, so I politely declined. I didn’t want to upset Natalie again, and since she was going to be there, along with the rest of the staff, I figured it wasn’t the place or the time.