Holding On

by Rachael Brownell

  A glance at the clock told me that my day was almost over. “It’s getting late here, so a shower and some sleep sound like the best-laid plans to me.”

  “I have to pack still. I’m staying two nights at the first camp, and I’m going to work out with a few of the players so they can test my skills. I should probably start since I’m leaving early.”

  “All right. Well, I’m glad you called. I miss you already.”

  “I miss you too, gorgeous. These next few weeks will fly right by, I promise.”

  I made a kissing sound and hung up. I grabbed a pair of running shorts and a tank before heading to the bathroom. A nice hot shower was what I really needed and then some uninterrupted sleep for the next eight to ten hours. That sounded perfect.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The first week of my vacation was spent catching up with all my friends, and by the time Sunday rolled about, I was completely exhausted. Brad had not left my side in almost two days straight, and as much as I loved spending time with him, I just wanted a break. I used to have so much going on with tennis and school that I was never able to spend so much time with my friends, and I used to think I was missing out. I knew now that keeping myself busy was the only way that I was able to survive back then.

  With a restful night’s sleep, I woke up knowing exactly what I wanted to do that day. I wanted to go to the beach with my dad and my sister. Dad thought the idea was wonderful so he ran to the store to get some stuff to pack in the cooler while Amy and I dug out beach towels and the other necessities. I didn’t think to pack a swimsuit for some reason, so I dug out an old one from last summer and hoped it would still fit. My body hadn’t changed much in the last few years, so thankfully, it still looked good on me. The lavender-purple of the suit still went well with my skin tone, even though I had a little bit of a tan already from the constant sun in Tucson.

  I got a text from Ella as we were setting up on the beach. There was going to be another party to celebrate me returning home tonight. That would be the third time this week they had celebrated my return, and eventually, I knew the excitement would die down, but it felt great to know that my friends really missed me. I confirmed that I would be in attendance since the party was for me and plopped down on the sand.

  The long week must have really gotten to me. Before I knew it, my sister was nudging me awake. I rolled over onto my back and put my sunglasses on. I blindly reach for the sunscreen to apply a little bit but fell back asleep before I could find it.

  I could feel the heat radiating from my skin as we drove back to my dad’s house. The lack of sunscreen on my chest had left me with a red glow that would take a few days to turn to golden brown. My face absorbed most of the color. There would be no way to cover up my burn with makeup tonight or even tomorrow.

  When the spray of the shower hit my skin, it stung a bit. I turned the cold water on higher and waited for the temperature to adjust. I only had about thirty minutes before I had to be ready to leave. Brad was picking me up, and I still had to call Ethan before I go. I pushed my overheated body under the spray and quickly finished my shower. As soon as I was out, I headed to my room and dialed Ethan’s number.

  We talked about his first visit for the second time that week and how excited he was about possibly playing for that school. He still won’t give anything away as to what school it was. He had another visit scheduled in a few days and would be heading there tomorrow afternoon. He didn’t sound as excited to check out this school, but I was wondering if he was still on a high from the first school he visited. If so, he’d be changing his tune come Thursday when I talk to him.

  As I was changing, I could hear footsteps coming down the hall toward my room. I was standing only in my bra and underwear when I heard someone turn the knob, and before I could yell for them to stop, Brad was standing in the doorway, staring at me. His expression was full of emotion as he took in my almost-naked body, and I could feel his eyes graze up my body and back down again.

  I put my finger over my lips to hush him, grabbed a towel to cover myself, and quickly said good-bye to Ethan. As soon as I clicked End on my phone, I turned to him with a “What the hell” look on my face. He was still staring and just shrugged his shoulder before coming in and closing the door behind him. He knew that my door had to stay open with him in the room. Did he forget the rules since yesterday?

  “So can I finish getting dressed, please?” I asked with a hint of annoyance in my voice.

  “Don’t let me stop you,” Brad smirked. He moved a few steps away from the door and sat on the edge of my desk, but he never took his eyes off of me. I knew that I was wearing the equivalent of the bikini I had on earlier, but it felt different. It felt wrong. I felt naked.

  “Really? Get out of here. I need to finish getting ready, and you’re early. Plus, you know that you can’t be in here with my door closed. Are you trying to get me grounded for the rest of my vacation?”

  “Actually, your dad and Amy let me in on their way out to dinner, so there is no one to get you in trouble with. Would you feel better if I opened the door?”

  “No! I would feel better if you would hang out in the living room while I finished getting ready. You busted in here while I was practically naked and on the phone. You didn’t even knock!”

  I was getting angry. He knew that I was with Ethan, yet over the last week, he seemed to be ignoring that fact more and more each time he saw me. He had not tried anything, aside from the first night I was home when I let him hold me, but I still felt like he was headed down that road again. It was more the looks and smiles. They were too expressive of the emotions that he was supposed to be keeping hidden.

  “Fine. If you won’t leave then I will just go get dressed in the bathroom.” I stated firmly, lowering my voice a few octaves to where it almost sounded like I was growling at him.

  I grabbed my clothes and headed toward the door. As I went to open it, I could feel him behind me even before he put his hand on my arm. I could feel him getting closer to me. His right arm wrapped around my chest, and he pulled me back to him and held me there. I let out a sigh and turned to face him, which ended up being a big mistake. His lips landed on mine for the briefest of seconds before I jumped back and smacked him in the chest.

  My clothes had fallen to the floor at this point. I continued hitting him in his chest until my hand hurt. When I looked up and saw him staring at me was when I realized that my towel had fallen along with my clothes. It was pooled around my feet, and when I reached down to grab it, he pulled me to his chest again and wrapped me in a hug.

  “I’m sorry,” Brad replied sincerely. I could hear that he meant it. His voice was soft and caring like it always was when he was trying to make me feel better about something.

  “I didn’t mean to put you in a compromising situation. I know that you and Ethan are dating, and he’s a good guy. I want you to be happy.”

  Even if it’s not with me. He didn’t say it, but I could hear his voice in my head.

  He pulled back and opened the door. As soon as he was out, I grabbed my clothes and quickly dressed for the party. My hair was barely damp now, and I decided that pulling it up would be the most manageable for tonight. My chest and face were glowing, and the little bit of makeup that I put on barely concealed the fact that I got more sun than I should have.

  I found Brad waiting in the living room for me when I came downstairs. I wondered if he would still even be here. I knew that he cared about me, but I still couldn’t get past what just happened. He broke more than just my father’s rule about keeping the door open. He broke at least three rules of friendship back in my room.

  I was angry with him for the first time in a very long time. He was pushing the boundaries of our friendship. He would have never done this a year ago. The more I think about what happened, the angrier I got and the more I tried to analyze it. Brad had always had a girlfriend— until he broke up with Claire, that is. Maybe it was only safe for us to be close when there
was a person in the way of what he wanted. With Claire or someone else as a roadblock, Brad seemed to keep his hands to himself and respect the boundaries of our relationship. Why was he not treating my relationship with Ethan in the same respect?

  We headed to the party in silence. I didn’t really know what I want to say to him or how to say it. He seemed calm and relaxed, like nothing even happened. That infuriated me even more. It’s not like he would lose anything if Ethan and I broke up. He wouldn’t gain anything either, though, and I don’t think he realized that. I still lived across the country.

  As we pulled in the driveway, he finally spoke. I could barely hear what he was saying, and I was not sure that I even wanted to, but I reached over and turned the radio off anyway. He was not looking at me; he was staring straight ahead.

  “What?” I half screamed at him not taking into account the silence that now encompassed the car. I still sounded angry, probably because I was.

  “I know that you’re mad at me, and I can’t blame you.” He paused and continued to stare out the front window. “I have to ask you something. You don’t have to answer. I have to get this off my chest though.”

  “What?” The anger had subsided a little, but it was still there and ever present in my tone.

  “Well, I was wondering, you know, if things between you and Ethan…well, if they didn’t end up working, if…well…” Was he asking me to consider him if things didn’t work out with Ethan? Was this a joke? I didn’t want to consider that. I was happy with my relationship at the moment, and I didn’t want to think about the what-ifs.

  “I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t even really know what you’re asking.” I stuttered a little as the words came out of my mouth.

  “Do you love me?” Brad whispered. Just like that. He spat it out, and there it was, floating around in the car, creating some serious tension.

  “I…I…I don’t know how to answer that.” I needed to take a deep breath. Did I love him? Of course, I did, but in what way? “I do, in a lot of ways, but not in others. Do you get what I’m saying? Am I making any sense?”

  We sat in silence for what felt like forever. All I could think about was saying the wrong thing to kill the quiet in the car. The tension was building by the second, and all I wanted was for it to go away. I wanted things to go back to normal. I wanted my best friend back, right? Is that all I wanted?

  I had to get out of my own head. I was starting to confuse myself. I was happy with Ethan. I was enjoying our relationship. We fought to be able to have one, even though we shouldn’t have had to. We were making it work. It was worth the fight.

  “I love you, you know that? More than I can describe and in so many different ways. I love the way you laugh. I love the way my heart rate picks up when I get a text from you or see your name on my phone when you call. I love that you know me better than anyone else. I love that you believe in me and trust me.”

  There was a long pause before he continued. “What I don’t love is knowing that I wasted so much time trying to fight the feelings I had for you so that I could save our friendship. I don’t love knowing that there is someone else who gets to hold you, to kiss you, to be there for you because I can’t be. I don’t love that I am going crazy and doing things that make you angry. I don’t love crossing the line with you because it makes me not trust myself with you.”

  Holy crap! He’s just declared his undying love to me, and all I can do is stare at him. His profile was beautiful with the moonlight shining in the window next to him. When he turned to face me and our eyes met, I don’t know why but I reached out and cupped his cheek in my hand. He slowly leaned into it and closed his eyes. What the hell was I going to do now?

  Brad seemed to realize how confused I was with him and kept his distance at the party. My girlfriends and I were dancing and singing at the top of our lungs. A new song came on, and I started singing until I realized that my friends were silent. I followed their gaze across the room and saw who had caused them to clam up. It was Claire, of course. I should have guessed that we would cross paths over the summer, but I never even gave it much thought.

  The fact that she was at my party uninvited didn’t bother me. She was friends with a lot of my friends, and I was surprised that she wasn’t at any of the other parties. I went back to dancing and pulled Emma and Ella with me. I could see Claire out of the corner of my eye. She was watching me. She had a look in her eye that made me a little uneasy, but I tried to ignore her and have some fun with my friends before I had to head home.

  After about twenty minutes of dancing and singing, I was parched and sweating. My body felt like it was on fire, only partially from the sunburn. Ella and I headed to the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of water, and walked out the slider to the backyard. The grass was so incredibly green and beautiful. I forgot how much I loved to walk with my bare feet on the grass until I was staring at yards full of sand and rock.

  I slipped out of my flip-flops and enjoyed the feeling of the blades between my toes. The cool air, mixed with the cold grass, sent a little chill up my body, which felt absolutely fantastic and immediately cooled the fire within my body. I lay down in the grass, and after a small chuckle from Ella, she followed suit. We didn’t say anything to each other for the longest time. I was caught up with looking at the stars and wondering if Ethan had a clear sky tonight. The last time I took a moment to stop and look at the stars was with him, and I started to miss him. The feeling only lasted a few minutes before Ella, as if reading my mind, asked about him.

  “So tell me about this guy you’re seeing. Ethan, right?” Ella eagerly asked.

  Ella and I texted a bit after I left, but that was about it. She was just as busy as I was. The thought that we wouldn’t be friends when I came home never entered my mind. I would be friends with her ten years from now, even if I didn’t talk to her again until then. I didn’t want that to happen. I wanted her to be a part of my life, but being far away didn’t allow us to keep our friendship close like it did with me and Brad.

  “Yep. Ethan’s great. He’s funny and a lot of fun to hang around with. A fabulous kisser, of course.” That got a giggle out of her. It felt like old times, lying in the grass with my friend and talking about boys. “What do you want to know?” I hesitantly asked. I wasn’t sure how much I really wanted to share knowing that anyone could be lurking around the corner listening to our conversation.

  “I don’t know. What’s he look like? What’s he in to? Sports? Just the normal stuff,” she replied.

  “He’s your average tall dark and handsome guy. Strikingly gorgeous. His eyes are the most beautiful emerald green. He’s a tennis player like me.”

  Another giggle escaped her lips. I was playing with my ring, wishing that I could see it right now, knowing that it matched Ethan’s eyes perfectly. Thinking about my ring made me think of Brad too. I was still utterly confused and pushed him from my mind before continuing.

  “He’s actually got a full-ride scholarship to play tennis in college. He’s checking out three colleges while I’m here to decide which one he wants to go to.” I was whispering by the time I finished my sentence. The thought of him going away to college made me sad.

  “Wow! He must be good.” Ella replied sounding impressed.

  “I think he takes it easy on me when we play, but I hold my own.”

  “So you’re happy then?”

  “Yeah. Why?”

  “I don’t know. I just figured that when Brad left to go to visit you that things would change.”

  I thought about it for a second from her point of view. He flew all the way to see me, and when he got there, it was obvious that he wanted more from me. When he left, though, he left me with Ethan to take care of me. He gave me up for the right reasons. Did he give me up? He wasn’t acting like it lately, and it made me wonder if he was allowing Ethan to take care of me in his place until I was able to come home again.

  Just the thought of all the drama that had occurred, was
still occurring, made me inhale sharply and exhale slowly. “Not really. We’ve talked about it a bit, but you have to understand that being friends with someone for so long doesn’t mean that they should be in a relationship together. I love him to death, and I always will, but I live so far away now. There is no way that it could work, and I’m not sure if it would even if I was still living here.”

  Saying those things out loud eased the confusion in me a little. I had to pause before I asked her what I really wanted to know. There was no easy way to do this, but I had to know the answer.

  I sat up and took a deep breath before I found the words spilling past my lips. “Do you know how long he’s had feelings for me?”

  Ella’s voice was just a whisper as she began to speak. “Well, I know it’s been awhile now. I think the first time he told me he was feeling something more toward you was right before he started dating Claire. It was weird because he told me that, and then like a week later, they were together.”

  “Really? That was over a year ago.”

  “I know. When did you realize that you had feelings for him?”

  Her question took me off guard, and I couldn’t bring myself to look at her. I started to think back to when I first started to have feelings for Brad. I had been suppressing those feelings for so long that I couldn’t remember the last time I didn’t have feelings for him. That couldn’t be right.

  “I don’t know.” My voice was cracking as I spoke, and I knew that I sounded weak at that moment. “I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have feelings for him, I guess. He’s been my best friend since middle school. I guess I always had some sort of crush on him.”

  Just saying those words out loud scared the crap out of me. Had I always been in love with Brad? I hadn’t dated anyone serious until Ethan. I never “crushed” on anyone. I was always focused on school and tennis. I didn’t have time to date anyone with my crazy schedule. The only thing I made time for was hanging out with my friends on the weekends, hanging out with Brad. Maybe I had been in love with him all this time.