Holding On

by Rachael Brownell

  A small smile appeared on my lips as I looked over and saw Brad talking to some friends through the window, all the anger I had been holding in evaporating from my body. He was a beautiful person and a great friend—he always had been. Why didn’t I see this sooner?

  “If you love him, doesn’t that mean you should at least give it a chance?”

  She’s right. I should have given us a chance. Now the opportunity had passed us by, and we both needed to accept that. I had moved on, but he still needed to. If he wasn’t interested in Claire anymore, then he needed to find someone else. I wanted him to be happy, and there was no way that he was going to be able to find the happiness he wanted with me, at least not right now.

  “I think our opportunity has passed us by. He needs to find someone who understands him as well as I do and find happiness with them.” I stated, taking note of the sadness in my voice. Saying it out loud made it so real that I think my heart skipped a beat. Would there ever be anyone else who would be able to understand him like I do?

  I glanced at Ella to find her twisting her hands in her lap and staring intently at them. She had a crush on Brad. Her body language made it apparent to me, even though I knew she would never admit it to anyone, probably not even Brad.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I woke up Monday morning with a small smile on my face. I realized that I must have had an exceptional dream to wake up this happy. My smile faded when I had a quick flashback to my dream and realized that I was dreaming about Brad. I was supposed to be dreaming about Ethan. He was my boyfriend, not Brad. Thoughts of him were supposed to be the ones that should wake me with a smile. Thoughts of him were supposed to be what brings sunshine to my day. Why was I dreaming about Brad?

  I could only think to blame Ella. She made me start thinking about him in a new light. It didn’t help that Brad had declared his feelings to me that same night, but it was her questioning me that was making me question myself and my feelings for him. I didn’t want to question our friendship. I wanted things to go back to the way they were before I told him that I was moving. I wanted my best friend back.

  It hit me like a brick wall at that very moment. Our relationship had changed the moment he kissed me in my car. He told me how he felt about me, and I chalked it up to him being scared that I was leaving. I never put real thought into the fact that he loved me. I had been so used to pushing my feelings for him aside that I never stopped to consider what it all really meant.

  Everything Ella said last night made perfect sense now. He had developed feelings for me way before I found out I was moving. He knew that he would lose me when I left, but he tried hard to fight for me before I went—he was still trying now. It felt like he had shattered my heart in that moment because I knew that I would lose him, his friendship and his love. How had I not seen this before?

  I could feel a tear slide down my cheek, and I wiped it away with the back of my hand. Another tear fell, and I didn’t even bother to catch it before it rolled all the way down my cheek. More tears were flowing before I could reel my emotions in, and after a few minutes, my face was soaked along with my pillow.

  He tried to fight for us, and I tried to push him away. After so many years of friendship, I was afraid to lose him in that respect. I pushed him away, thinking I would always be able to keep our relationship in that bubble I created, and now I know that when I leave this time, I will probably lose him forever unless I could fix us.

  Damn it! There was an “us” again. I wanted there to be a relationship between me and Brad, but just not the kind that he wanted. I needed him to be my best friend. I wanted that. Even if there was no Ethan, I would only want friendship from Brad, right? I guess that would be the question of the hour.

  I pulled myself out of bed, showered, and got dressed. I knew that I needed to talk to Brad and get this figured out, but at the moment I wanted nothing more than to be alone with my pending thoughts. I needed to figure out what I wanted, who I wanted. I needed to decide what was best for me, not anyone else. I grabbed my racket and headed to the high school.

  As I get out of my car, deja vu took over, and I was remembering the last time I was in that very spot. My eyes found the baseball dugout, and the memories came flooding back. I closed my eyes and pulled myself back to the here and now. I began to feel the inner calm I was looking for, so I opened my eyes and focused on my walk to the courts.

  Once I was inside the gate, I was in the zone. My focus was solely on pounding the crap out of the ball and nothing else. I grabbed my favorite racket and headed over to the practice wall. I was pretty sure the coach had this put up just for me. It was just a large piece of plywood attached to the fencing, pretty much all our small school could afford, but it was perfect for hitting against yourself.

  After only about five minutes, I was sweating profusely and thirsty. I ripped one more backhand and let the ball fly past me. I headed toward my bag where I could hear my cell phone ringing. I reached inside and pull out a bottle of water, but let my phone continue to ring.

  An hour later, I was exhausted, and my body was a little sore. My sunburn had faded since yesterday, but the heat was still rising from it and was making me even hotter than I normally would be after an hour of practice. I decided to call it a day just as my phone rings again.

  This was the fourth or fifth time I heard my phone ring since I got here, and I had been ignoring it. I found it just as the caller was sent to voicemail. I scanned my missed calls. I had seven missed calls—two from Brad, four from Ethan, and the most recent one from my mom. She was getting a call back first.

  “Hey, girly,” my Mom said just as she picked up the phone. You could hear the excitement in her voice.

  “Hey, Mom. What’s going on?” I asked a little out of breath still.

  “Nothing. Just checking up on you. You sound tired.”

  “Just got done practicing at the high school, so I’m a little worn out.”

  “You’re supposed to be on vacation, relaxing. I didn’t even realize that you took your rackets with you.”

  “Playing relaxes me. It helps me think and clear my head.”

  “What do you need to think about that requires you to work in the middle of your vacation? Is everything okay?”

  “Everything is fine, Mom. I just needed to be alone for a while, time to think about everything that’s changed in the last year.”

  “I know you miss home, and I’m sorry I took you from there, but you like it here, right?”

  I didn’t even have to take a moment to think about my answer. “Yeah I like it there, but being here makes me want to be here, you know? When I’m there, I want to be there, and when I’m here, I want to be here. Does that make any sense?”

  “It does, completely. You know, you’re going to be eighteen in less than six months and then off to college after that. You can go to school anywhere you want and do anything you want. You don’t have to stay here or there.”

  I knew she was trying to make me feel better, but it was not really helping. I had a lot of decisions to make right now; thinking about more decisions to make in the future would make my brain go into overload.

  “I know, Mom. I’m gonna get packed up and head home for a shower. I’ll call you later this week, okay?”

  “Sounds good. Relax a little, honey. You’re supposed to be on vacation, remember?”

  “I know. Love you, Mom.”

  “Love you too. Bye.”

  As I drove home, I realized that not only had I not made a single decision about my current problems, but now I knew that I had a big decision to make coming up soon. I understood why Ethan was taking his time with the college choice now. It was a really big decision to make.

  With thoughts of Ethan in my head, I decided to return his call. I figured that after talking to him, I would feel better about everything. He had a way of calming me when he doesn’t even know that I need him to. The sound of his voice alone would help me to relax a little—I used to get that feel
ing with Brad too. Crap!

  “Hey, gorgeous!” Ethan exclaimed. I could hear the excitement in his voice as he answered the phone. “I’ve been trying to get ahold of you.”

  “Sorry. I was practicing, and I didn’t hear my phone.” Lie number one. “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing. I was just finishing packing and wanted to hear your voice. What else are you going to do today?”

  “I’m not sure. All I can think about right now is a hot shower.” Lie number two. I was thinking about Brad two seconds before he picked up the phone.

  “Well, maybe you should relax a bit. You sound stressed out.” How did he know that? “Not really. I’m just a little tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.” Lie’s number three (I was stressed out) and four (I slept great last night dreaming about someone else). I had to get off the phone before I set a record for the number of lies in one conversation.

  “Well, just relax today then. How about you take a nap, and I’ll call you when I check into my hotel and we can talk then?”

  “That sounds great.” Truth number 1! Yeah! “Okay, talk to you later then.”

  “Okay, bye.”

  I didn’t feel better after talking to Ethan for the first time ever. I felt worse. I lied to him without even thinking about it. The words just flew right out of my mouth, no hesitation, kind of like “word vomit.” I was quickly becoming a horrible girlfriend. I should have told him about what happened last night. I should have told him about Brad walking in on me. I should have told him about our conversation in the car, about Brad’s confession. I didn’t want to keep things from him. I didn’t want to lie to him. I needed to tell him those things. Tonight. I would tell him tonight... or maybe after he was done with his visit so that I wouldn’t upset him. Soon, anyway.

  After I rinsed the sweat and lies from my body, I decided that I need to call Brad back. He has called twice since I left the tennis courts, and he probably won’t stop calling until he could talk to me. I hoped everything was all right. He doesn’t normally call me so many times, and I never normally dodge his calls. After being such a horrible girlfriend, I was quickly adding being a horrible friend to my list of accomplishments today.

  I was sitting on my bed, and my hands were shaking. I was staring at my phone that was on my lap. I was trying to give myself a mental pep talk, but I shouldn’t have to do that. He was my best friend. I should be able to talk to him about anything without being nervous.

  I chickened out on calling him and sent him a quick text instead.

  Me: not feeling great taking a nap call u later

  That was not exactly a total lie, but not exactly the truth either. I was not feeling all that great. My stomach was in knots, and I was starting to get a mini stress-induced headache. I probably should rest for a while. Maybe when I wake up, all my problems would be solved for me—probably not.

  After taking two aspirins, I turned my phone off and crawled under the covers. The chill in the air from the air conditioning was just enough to make me want to curl up in the covers. I closed my eyes and wondered what I would dream about this time. Who would I dream about? As my body began to relax, I could feel myself being pulled under and then blackness.

  I woke up with a start. My room was dark, and I could see that I’d slept all day. Great! Now I won’t be able to sleep tonight. I should have set my alarm clock, but I didn’t realize how exhausted my body was. I hadn’t worked that hard at the courts, but I guess physical exhaustion and mental exhaustion combined drained me completely.

  I grabbed my cell phone and turned it back on. I waited until it was on my home screen and dialed up my voicemail before it even told me I had any. I knew I’d missed Ethan’s calls and Brad had probably called too.

  Hey gorgeous! You must be sleeping. I got here a bit early and just thought I would give you a call. I’ll try you again later. Miss you.

  He was so sweet. A smile began to creep across my face until I remembered that I had lied to him a bunch of times earlier.

  Becca, where are you? I’ve been trying to reach you all day. Call me back.

  Brad sounded freaked out a bit. I wondered what was going on. He was always so laid back.

  Becca. Call me back ASAP. I can’t seem to find you and I’m freaking out. I just found your water bottle at the courts but there’s no sign of you. Are you all right?

  Crap! He would jump to the worst possible conclusion. Only one more message and then I’d call him to reassure him I was safe and sound.

  Hey gorgeous. I hope you’re not still sleeping. Call me when you get this. I’m a little worried that I haven’t been able to get ahold of you for hours now.

  Crap! Now I’ve got both of them worried. Who should I call first? I dialed and hit Send right away, knowing the answer to my own question.

  “Hey, gorgeous! Where have you been?” Ethan asked quickly. His voice sounded a little panicked, and I immediately felt bad for causing him stress. He needed to be relaxed and focused for his visit tomorrow.

  “Sorry. I turned my phone off and fell asleep. I didn’t realize how tired I was, I guess.” I replied trying to sound upbeat but nonchalant at the same time.

  “Next time, don’t shut your phone off. Brad and I have been freaking out. Have you called him yet?”

  What? He’d been talking to Brad? How was this possible? Why? The last thing I want was for the two of them to be “friends.” That would be uncomfortable, to say the least. Plus, Brad hasn’t been acting like a very good friend to Ethan since I’ve been home.

  “Seriously? You’ve been talking to Brad? Why?” I could hear the anger building in my voice, and I knew that I needed to dial it back a little. He was worried about me, and the least I could do was be grateful that he cared.

  “He was worried and called me to see if I had spoken with you today. I told him I talked to you while you were at the courts, and that was it. He sounded worried. He said he had been trying to get ahold of you all day and that you hadn’t called him back.”

  I let out the breath that I was holding. That wasn’t so bad. They were discussing me, both worried about me. There was no talk about anything else. Good.

  “He thinks you’re avoiding him for some reason. What’s going on, Becca?” Ethan asked sounding more annoyed than concerned all of the sudden.

  The way he said my name was a little unnerving. Normally it rolled off his tongue in the most seductive way, but not this time. This time, it was very clearly two syllables. It sounded more like the way my mom says my name when she is being firm. Was I in trouble?

  “Nothing is going on. I’m not sure why he thinks I’m avoiding him. I just saw him last night. We went to a party together.” Not bad. I only lied twice.

  “Well, you need to call him. He’s freaking out thinking someone kidnaped you. If I didn’t know better, I would think— never mind. I need to go grab a bite to eat and turn in early. Can I call you tomorrow after I get done for the day?”

  “Sure,” I replied, drawing the word out, showing my confusion. Are we all right? That was what I really wanted to ask. I could feel the tension over the phone, and all I wanted to do right now was pull him close and hold him to me. “I miss you.” That was the best I could do.

  “I miss you too. Talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Okay, bye.”

  I hung up feeling mentally exhausted again. I knew I needed to call Brad, and that, in itself, was going to drain the rest of my energy. Maybe I would be able to sleep tonight. As I dialed his number, I knew that this conversation might last a while, so I crawled back under the covers.

  It started to ring, but I could hear it echoing in my other ear and it was getting louder. Why was he not answering? Another ring and the echoing sounded like it was coming from the hallway. I tossed the covers back and moved to open my door when it shot open.

  I jumped back, not expecting anyone to be there, and dropped my phone as Brad wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in tight. I could feel him shaking a little and re
alized that he really was scared that he lost me.

  I knew that he needed to be held more than I did, so I wrapped my arms around him the best I could and squeezed. He squeezed me back, and I let out a little chuckle. Everything was going to be just fine.

  I felt him pull away, and as I got a look at his face, I could see that he’d been worried. He was frowning at me, and his eyes were filled with concern. I gave him a tentative smile, and I could feel his body relax a little against mine. His face went from concerned to serious, with a hint of anger lurking under the surface. The change in his demeanor made me want to take a step back, but I was holding my ground.

  “I’m sorry if I worried you. I fell asleep.” I said hoping that an apology would help to turn this situation around.

  “Worried doesn’t even begin to cover how I was feeling. I called your mom. I called your dad. I even called Ethan. I was freaking out. Then I found your water bottle at the tennis courts, and I really started to think that something had happened.” Brad hollered. He was talking so fast that when he stopped, I didn’t realize that I was staring at him still.

  His eyes were full of anger, lust, and passion. That’s when I knew that I needed to break free of his hold immediately, but I was unable to move. My legs wouldn’t cooperate with my brain. My body was leaning forward before my brain could pull it back. The moment our lips met, I knew that I was in trouble. It was an innocent kiss until Brad took control of the situation, and then it was anything but innocent. Crap!

  Chapter Sixteen

  When I started to wake up, I couldn’t help but snuggle closer to the warmth. I scooted backward and found myself encased by it. The body heat he was giving off was enough to keep us both warm, and last night it had.