Holding On

by Rachael Brownell

  After our innocent kiss turned more passionate, I was able to calm myself down and get the situation under control. After we both took a moment to get our hormones in check, we lay down and talked for most of the night. About the time Brad was breaking curfew, I fell asleep in his arms, and that was where I ended up staying. We were on top of the sheets, and the door was open. I realize that the situation looked bad, but it was very innocent in nature.

  I was going to tell Brad everything as soon as he woke up. I needed to get my feelings and concerns off my chest. I needed to be honest with him about how I felt. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I was also hurting right now because I really wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore. When I’m with Brad it feels right but when I’m with Ethan it feels right too. I want both of them in my life in one way or another and I was afraid that if I didn’t make a decision soon that I would lose both of them.

  “What are you thinking about that you look so serious this early in the morning?” Brad asked.

  The sound of his voice brought me back to reality. I was just thinking about how incredibly crazy this situation was. Did I really want to tell him that?

  “Nothing really. I was just thinking.” I said. You could hear the uncertainty I was feeling as I spoke.

  “I don’t buy it. I know you a little better than that, and by the look on your face, you were deep in thought.”

  “I was, but it’s nothing to be concerned about.” Now I was lying to Brad. If I was being truthful all around, I would admit I was lying to myself. There were plenty of things to be concerned about.

  “Well, whenever you’re ready to confess, I will be here to listen.” He shifted his body so that he was propped up on one elbow. I knew that he could see my face, so lying was no longer an option. “By the look in your eyes you need to get something off your chest. Care to share?”

  He knew me too well. I definitely needed to get something off my chest, but I had no idea where to start. How could I tell him how I felt until I could really decide how I felt? I needed time to figure it out. I needed time alone, without Brad hovering over me the way he was right now. I needed time without his arm wrapped protectively around my waist. I needed time without his close proximity making my head foggy with the wonderful smell of him.

  I moved to sit up and swung my legs over the side of the bed. “I need to think about some things before I share them with anyone else. I have to know what I want first.”

  His silence told me that he was reading into what I was saying and that he knew exactly what I needed to figure out. I expected no less from him. He understood me better than I understand myself some days and knowing that he’d give me as much space as I needed only confirmed how well he knew me.

  I knew that our kiss last night allowed some of his currently expressed feelings to fly freely. I had a choice to make. I could tell him to reel his feelings back in, and we could move on like before. Or I could tell him the exact opposite…

  I needed to figure this out quickly. My vacation was halfway over; I was leaving in ten days, and by the time I leave, I need know what I want, who I want. That was not a lot of time to figure out much of anything. With Brad here and Ethan far away, the choice could be swayed in his favor, but soon I would be back home, and the choice could be swayed the other way. What I really needed was a vacation from my vacation so that I had time to think.

  I covered my face with my hands and spoke softly. “I think I am going to go to my grandparents’ cabin this weekend.” I wanted him to know where I was at because I didn’t want him to worry. The hesitation in my voice told him that I was feeling out the situation.

  “Do you want company, or is this a trip you want to take alone?” Brad asked with sincerity.

  Good. He got the message loud and clear.

  “I think I’m gonna head up there alone. I’ll bring a couple of books and my Wi-Fi card so that I can have some contact with the outside world. I just need a few days to myself to sort through everything that’s swimming in my brain.”

  “I get it, I really do, but can you at least take your sister so that you’re not out there alone in the middle of nowhere?”

  The last time I went to my grandparents’ cabin was with Brad. We had decided to camp on their land deep in the woods to make it seem more real. I had only lasted about an hour in the darkness before I begged Brad to take me back to the safety of the cabin. Every noise had been accentuated by the eerie silence, and I had freaked out.

  “I’ll ask her, but I don’t know if she’ll want to go. She’s been attached at the hip to Kel since we got back, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to separate them.”

  “Then take them both. There’s a lake up there, right? Take your suit and go swimming, relax a little, and then come back here to me for the last few days.” He was pleading with me, and I didn’t need to look at his face to know that he was disappointed that I wouldn’t be around for the last weekend of my vacation.

  “Maybe I will. I need to hop in the shower. Will you still be here when I get out?”

  “Do you want me to be?”

  I was expecting that to sound playful coming from him, but he was serious. I needed to get us back to playful and away from all the serious stuff until I made a decision this weekend.

  “Either way.” I was trying my best to sound indifferent to his decision. “I have a few errands to run today, and I promised Natalie that I would give her a call this afternoon, but if you wanna get together tonight after dinner and go to a movie or something, that’s fine.”

  He moved to sit next to me on the bed and grabbed my hand. As he laced our fingers together, I knew that taking time away from him would be the best way to make an unbiased decision. His thumb was stroking my ring, and I could see that he wanted to say something.

  “I’ll pick you up at seven, and we’ll go see something at the new theater downtown,” Brad said, his words sounding forced. I don’t think that was what he had wanted to say. “Sounds like a plan,” I replied, trying to keep my voice upbeat and light as if I hadn’t noticed the change in his demeanor.

  With that, I let his fingers fall from mine, stood, and I made my way to the bathroom. I could feel the loss of his warmth, but I didn’t look back. Instead, I grabbed a towel from the hall closet and closed the bathroom door behind me before I slid to the floor and propped my head in my hands. I felt like I wanted to cry, but I didn’t allow the tears to come.

  As we pulled up to my grandparents’ cabin, I could feel my inner calm descend upon me. This place had always been my saving grace. When my grandparents built it ten years ago, I thought they were crazy for wanting to spend their vacations in the woods. Now I understand that the silence can bring an inner calm that cannot even be described—as long as I stay inside the cabin after dark.

  As that inner calm filled my body, I opened my door and dug the cabin keys out of my pocket. I used to think that the one bedroom cabin was huge. Staring at it now, I could see how small and cozy it was. The wraparound porch was welcoming, but the vast amount of trees that surrounded the place still gave me the creeps. I was glad my sister and Kel had decided to come with me. I probably wouldn’t have been able to get much sleep, if any.

  We each grabbed our bags and headed to the front door. As I slid the key in the lock, the only thing running through my mind was which book to read first. I stopped by the bookstore before we left town. The thought process was to pick up nothing involving romance. Unfortunately, that’s what I ended up picking out in the end. I was a sucker for a good love story. Maybe one of the books would lead me to my answer.

  I dropped my bag on the floor just inside the door and breathe in. The cabin still smelled of grandma’s cooking. How that’s possible when I know they haven’t been up here in weeks was beyond me, but it was comforting. Amy and Kel shuffled in behind me and dropped their bags before heading back out to the car to get the groceries we picked up.

  I started loading soda and water into the fridge as Amy made some san
dwiches for lunch. I was waiting patiently for one of them to ask the question that had been lingering all week: Why? I didn’t really even know what I was going to say when they asked about the impromptu trip. I really just needed to get away for the weekend. I needed a vacation from my vacation. Hopefully, they would accept that answer.

  Knowing my sister, it would not be the end of the conversation. She was too insightful to not see that there was more to the story than that, especially since Brad isn’t with us. Today marked the first day of my vacation that I hadn’t seen him. I talked to him before we left town— Ethan too—but I have not seen him since yesterday.

  After lunch, Amy and Kel decided that they were going to take a walk in the woods. They asked if I want to come, but I declined. I pulled out one of the books I bought and stretched out on the couch, knowing that in the complete silence that will soon encompass the cabin, I won’t be able to read even one sentence.

  As soon as they were out the door, I traded in my book for a notebook. As I drew the line down the middle of the first page, I couldn’t help but think about how juvenile this felt—comparing the two of them like I was listing ingredients for a recipe. It was the only thing I could think of to do at the moment that would allow me to put my feelings on paper.

  I started listing all of Brad’s positive traits on the left side of the paper. Things like his smile, his sense of humor and the way he protects me. The list went on and on. When I couldn’t think of anything else to add, I started writing the things that I loved about Ethan on the right side of the paper. After just listing a few, I already knew what the answer was, and I closed the notebook. I smiled at the thought of wrapping my arms around him, the thought of him holding me close and kissing me until my knees are weak and I’m completely breathless.

  With my mind clearly made up, I pulled my book back out and started to read. It was not long before I was sound asleep and dreaming of the one that I had just chosen. My dream was peaceful and light until I awoke with a start and realized that someone was going to be hurt by my decision.

  When the girls return from their walk, we had a small snack since we ate lunch so late, and we all turned in for the night. I had given them the bedroom, so I was back on the couch. My thoughts were keeping me tossing and turning, afraid to fall asleep and dream. It wasn’t until dawn was breaking that my exhaustion finally took over and I fell asleep.

  Two very unrelaxing days later, on our way back home, Amy waited for Kel to fall asleep before asking me about the real reason for our trip. I didn’t want to lie to her. I’d been doing enough of that as it was, but I also knew that she might not understand completely.

  “I just needed to get away and think some things out. Thanks for coming with me.” I replied not taking my eyes off the road ahead.

  “No problem,” Amy said. “Did you figure it all out?”

  “I think so.” I was pretty sure I knew what I wanted at that point, but I was afraid I would change my mind once I immersed myself back into the real world.

  “Want my advice?”

  Did I want the advice of a twelve-year-old girl? It couldn’t hurt to hear what she had to say, I guess. How much insight could she really give me on my situation anyway?

  “Sure,” I said tentatively, waiting to see if she wanted me to continue. As I was about to, she spoke up.

  “I think you should finally let go of Brad and move on with Ethan. They’re both great, but you don’t live here anymore, and if you try to make things work with Brad, you’re just going to end up ruining your friendship.” Spoken like an adult, Amy’s words could not have been truer.

  She paused for a moment, and I wanted to say something in response, but I was at a loss for words. I think my mouth had even dropped open a few inches. She took this as her cue to continue.

  “No offense, but I do not want to be around when you are mourning the loss of Brad. Plus, as best friends go, he’s pretty great, and when you choose Ethan, he will know you are in good hands. It’s the only way to have a win-win situation out of the mess you’ve created for yourself. Plus, this way no one gets hurt.”

  I was still speechless, but it also appeared that she was done. We were silent the rest of the way home while I pondered what my little sister just dropped on me. She not only hit the nail on the head, but I had a feeling that this entire trip could have been avoided if I had just asked for her opinion. She obviously knew what was going on. She confirmed everything for me in just a few sentences. I was making the right decision, for the right reason.

  Chapter Seventeen

  My last full day in Michigan was spent with my friends at the beach. We arrived early enough to get a great spot and still be able to enjoy the sun for most of the day. We were planning on building a bonfire and camping out overnight. The thought of sleeping next to Brad one last time had my stomach in knots most of the afternoon. I was trying to let go of him, of the thought of us, and letting go was hard enough without putting myself in those types of situations.

  I had talked to Ethan earlier that morning before Brad picked me up. He knew that I was on the late-afternoon flight and that my mom was working, so he would be picking us up at the airport. I told him everything that had been going on over the last few weeks with Brad. I wanted to be honest with him. I wanted him to know I chose him.

  He didn’t want to talk about Brad or anything that had happened after I explained to him that I was coming back to him. He knew about all the compromising situations, the stolen kisses, and my constant mental debate. He knew that I was trying to make it all make sense for him, but instead of talking it out, he changed the subject. I think that he knew he would never be able to understand my relationship with Brad, so he was letting it go. All of it.

  He said that his last college visit was his favorite. He hadn’t spoken much about it until this morning, saying that he had pretty much made up his mind. He was on a deadline to call all three coaches by lunch time tomorrow, so when he picked me up at the airport, his decision would be sealed. Hopefully, he would share with me where he was going when he picked me up. I close my eyes and drift off with the image of Ethan’s face in the forefront of my mind.

  I awoke from my daydreams as Brad plopped down in the sand next to me. We’d been inseparable since I got back from the cabin. I hadn’t shared my revelation with him, but I was pretty sure that he knew. I had been keeping my physical distance from him as much as possible. Sure, we had been hanging out, having coffee, and he even stayed at Ella and Emma’s with me earlier this week. Emotionally, I was pretty sure that he knew my decision and understood it mostly. Mentally, I wasn’t sure if he was grasping it all that well.

  It was the little things. Some of the things that he would say, comments that he would make, that threw me off balance once in a while. It had never been like that before. Nothing was as it was before he kissed me that first time in my car. Things had definitely changed and not for the better. I still wanted my best friend back. His unconditional love was about all that remained from last fall.

  “So, ready to get back home?” Brad asked, the sadness he felt evident as he spoke each word.

  “This is home,” I said with a smile, knowing that no matter where I live, Michigan would always be my home. “I am ready to get back to my mom though—and Ethan.”

  That was the first time I had mentioned him to Brad in over a week. Just hearing his name made Brad cringe a little. I could see the expression he was trying to hide behind his sunglasses. I could see his body tense and then how he had to make himself relax. All these things made me feel like crap, but I couldn’t help but be excited to see Ethan. As my one and only best friend, I should be able to share these things with him.

  “Well, I was getting sick of hanging out with you so much, so I’m ready for you to head back.” His voice was dripping with sarcasm, but he was unable to hide the hint of sadness that was lurking behind it. “Now I have time to hang out with my many other friends.”

  “You can always come bac
k with me.” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. I wasn’t even sure I heard myself right until he jerked his head toward me and raised his eyebrow in question. I definitely said that. Crap!

  “I don’t think your boyfriend would approve of me coming home with you. I have a feeling he wants you all to himself for a while before he heads off to college.”

  “You’re probably right.”

  The tone of his voice stung a little, and the fact that he’s hurting made something in my chest crack. I thought my heart shattered long ago when I was forced to leave him. Now I realized that the sting of leaving him the first time didn’t even compare to the thought of leaving him again.

  I needed to lighten to mood. “You know, we are going to be off to college before you know it. Any idea where you want to go yet? Any colleges looking to pick up a freshman starting QB?”

  “That depends on where you’re going. I always thought we would go to college together, didn’t you?” Brad asked.

  “Yeah, but where? I have no idea where I want to go. I have no idea if I will get an offer to play tennis. What if you get an offer to play football? We may end up even farther away from each other than we are now.”

  We sat in silence for a few minutes, letting the reality of the situation sink in. We had planned on going to college together since freshman year when the counselor started lecturing us on getting the right grades and being involved in the right activities.

  We never gave much thought to the fact that we may not end up in the same place. Moving across the country had thrown that plan completely out the window, and it wasn’t until that moment that I realized how far apart our lives had drifted.

  “We still have time to figure it out,” I said, breaking the silence that was compounding our problem by the second. “We can apply to the same schools and figure it out from there.”

  As if knowing that there was nothing left to say about the topic at the moment, Brad nodded his head and stood up. I watched him walk over to where the rest of our friends were starting to build the bonfire. Our friendship was struggling. I had less than twenty-four hours to fix us, and I didn’t have the slightest clue how to do that. There were too many things that were hanging on by a thread in our relationship that if just one of those threads broke, I was afraid that it would start a chain reaction.