Utterly Wicked: Curses, Hexes & Other Unsavory Notions

by Dorothy Morrison

  ONE OTHER THING

  I don’t perform hexes and curses for other people. And you shouldn’t either.

  Yes, I know that sounds self-righteous. But to be perfectly honest, I don’t care. I’d much rather weather that accusation than be forced to deal with the possibility of my words being twisted. I’d much rather weather that than be faced with possibility of a misunderstanding. Or even worse, the possibility of having failed you. To that end, let me make this perfectly clear:

  Do NOT, under any circumstances, perform a hex or curse for someone else!

  Some of the reasons are obvious, and we’ve already touched on them. First, no one is truly capable of feeling the depth of someone else’s angst, and that level of feeling is absolutely necessary for complete and total success. Second, forming a connection to somebody else’s crap is not a place you want to go. It doesn’t matter how much you care for them or how much you want to see them relieved of their current dilemma. Doing so is not only tantamount to taking their place in the magical arena—and absorbing more residue than you can ever get rid of—but making their decisions for them. And you simply don’t have the right to do that. No one does.

  But if that’s not enough to stop you, then try this on for size: Nobody likes a busybody!

  Okay, I’ll admit it. That was a little harsh. But since no truer statement has ever been spoken or been more applicable to the subject matter at hand, it had to be said.

  The truth is that we, as members of the human race, are do-gooders at heart, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We worry about the fact that our brother is screwing over his partner and refuses to see the problem. We worry about our daughter, who’s in an abusive marriage and can’t seem to summon the courage to leave. We worry about our best friend, who’s being taken advantage of financially. And on and on and on. Our worries are completely justified; in fact, there would be something drastically wrong with us if we weren’t at all concerned.

  However, these sorts of concerns have no personal place in the magical arena. More to the point though, they have no personal place in the spiritual arena. And when we take things to the magical level for someone else—when we take it upon ourselves to butt into his or her business—it’s the spiritual realm with which we get into trouble.

  You see, just as each person on this Earth is a complete and separate individual, the same is true of the lives they’ve been offered. No two people share precisely the same sort of life or the same life lessons. They don’t have the same paths to choose from and don’t meet the same trials and tribulations along the way. Each is set up on an individual basis, specifically designed with one person in mind. And because of that, each person is also given a particular set of talents and strengths to draw upon in living that life and learning its lessons.

  This means that there’s not a single person on this Earth who’s been dealt a hand they cannot play. It’s just a matter of deciding which card to play and when. Of course, the cards in our hands aren’t always winners. Sometimes we don’t even have good choices. Still and all, though, we have to play what we’ve been dealt whether we want to or not, and do so to the best of our ability. Otherwise, we can’t learn our lessons, and the life we’ve been given becomes a farce.

  That brings me back to the busybody remark. If we take things to the magical level for someone else, we are, in essence, taking control of their lives. We are playing their hands for them and, in all probability, keeping them from learning their life lessons. It doesn’t matter that we’re doing it for all the right reasons. What does matter is that we’re way out of line and doing those we love a great injustice.

  So when it comes to hexes and curses, do everyone near and dear to you a favor: Keep your nose out of their business, and plant it squarely in your own life. If you don’t, know that while you’ll definitely pay a price for your indiscretion, they’re the ones who will pay the most. And it will cost them much more than you ever dreamed possible.

  FINALLY

  What you’ll find on the following pages is a collection of curses, hexes, magical manipulations, and related information. And while each and every spell included works beautifully as written, nothing works as well as the magical effort you’ve designed specifically for yourself. For that reason, don’t be afraid to expand upon these and restructure them to suit your own purpose and lifestyle. Know that your own version will not only work, but is likely to be even more personally effective than the version printed here.

  Ready? Set? Let’s get started!

  AUTOMOBILES, PARKING LOTS, AND TRAFFIC

  Lady Dame’s Freeway Curse

  Lights of red and blue that fly:

  Come through here and pass me by,

  Catch the one who rides the wind

  Pull his ass over and ticket him!

  Lady Dame’s Parking Space Curse

  The space you stole—

  Not yours alone—

  A scratch, you’ll find,

  Down to the bone!

  Automobile Curse

  While this curse may give you the giggles, don’t discount its effectiveness. It’s perfect for the guy who seems to love his vehicle more than you!

  I curse your wheels! I curse your car

  With dings and dents and scratches that mar.

  That pretty paint job that you love,

  I curse it around, between, below, above.

  With tires that will not hold their air,

  With thin upholstery that will tear,

  With gauges that don’t measure right,

  Or tell you if your fuel is light,

  Or tell you if your speed is high.

  And oil that leaks ‘til you could cry,

  With gaskets that won’t hold a seal,

  With wiper blades that bend and peel,

  With a defrost button that won’t defog.

  A horn that sounds just like a frog,

  Heat and air that never works.

  And if that’s not enough, you jerk:

  I curse you with a trade-in deal

  So bad you’ll think that it’s not real,

  And you’ll be stuck right where you are

  Alone with her—that lovely car!

  BAD HABITS

  Toilet Paper Hex

  Materials:

  Length of toilet paper

  Pen

  Write a full description of the bad habit on the toilet paper, then use it to wipe yourself. Flush it down the toilet.

  Spend No More Hex

  Use this spell on a partner who’s spending you right into the poor house.

  Materials:

  Poppet

  Hot sauce

  Green permanent marker

  Black permanent marker

  Small paintbrush

  Black cloth

  Prepare the poppet in the target’s likeness, then using the black marker, draw a pocket on each side of the front hip (the point where pants pockets are located) and on each buttock. Using the green marker, draw a dollar sign in the center of each pocket, on the forehead, and in the palm of each hand. Pick up the black marker again, and forcefully draw a large black X through each of the dollar signs, and say with each:

  No more money shall you spend.

  Your fun and games are at an end.

  No more credit! No more cash!

  No more money shall you stash!

  Now sprinkle the paintbrush with a few drops of hot sauce, and paint over the pockets and the crossed out dollar signs. (Give the symbols on the head and hands an extra coat for good measure.) As you paint, say:

  If you even think to spend,

  Your comfort zones are at an end:

  Your head shall ache without relief,

  Your hands shall itch and bring you grief,

  The pockets on your thighs shall burn;

  And if that’s not enough concern,

  The heat will travel and conspire

  To make you think your ass caught fire!

  Don’t even think to sp
end a dime

  For no reprieve will come this time.

  The symptoms shall just be increased

  And for you, there is no release!

  Wrap the poppet in a black cloth and hide on the property.

  BUSINESS DEALINGS GONE BAD

  Mary Caliendo’s Runic Business Hex

  This is a wonderful tool to use when you’ve been screwed in business. The best part is that the runes, themselves, do most of the work for you!

  Materials:

  Copy of the contract in question, signed by the target

  Copy of the target’s business card

  Paper

  Red permanent marker

  Cauldron or fire-proof dish

  Hold the contract in your hands, look at the signature, and see it for what it is: a form of the target’s energy that’s being used to invoke Karma by his or her own hand. Red marker in hand and using the illustration below as a guideline, draw the Pertho rune (symbolizing that which is hidden), the Dag rune (symbolizing that which turns around), and the Solowuz rune (symbolizing that which is illuminated or brings the light of day) across the contract at a downward slant, beginning at the upper left hand corner and ending at the lower right hand corner. (This will shed light on any shady dealings, bring them to the forefront, and expose all involved.)

  Spit on the runes to “feed” them, then burn the contract in the cauldron while chanting:

  All that is hidden shall come to the light,

  All that is hidden shall come to the light,

  All that is hidden shall come to the light.

  Their Action exposed,

  Their injustice exposed,

  Their deceit is exposed.

  Now draw the Isa rune (see illustration below) in the center of the business card. (As Isa means “ice,” this rune brings the target to a screeching halt and freezes his or her every action. The target is now unable to hide anything further or deceive anyone—and unable to harm others.)

  Spit on the rune, set the business card on fire, and throw it in the cauldron. As it burns, chant:

  Your character is seen clear as ice,

  Not backwards or forwards are you able to move,

  Until you make amends for all that you do.

  Your shady dealings, to the ground, all fell,

  The authorities will surely know as well.

  Draw the Hagalaz rune (see illustration below) on the paper. (As this rune represents hail, it causes complete and total chaos.)

  Spit on the rune, light the paper, and toss it into the cauldron as well. As it burns, beseech Dame Holda, the Nordic Goddess Who causes hail with a shake of Her bed, to help you. Say:

  Dame Holda, as You shake Your bed,

  Rain Your hail upon their heads,

  But only if it is observed

  That this is justice and should be served.

  Finally, call on the Norns (sometimes known as the Wyrd Sisters), Who feed, spin, and cut the threads of our existence—the threads which we, ourselves, offer Them—to intercede as well by saying:

  Norns of three, s/he’s woven his/her fate

  By his/her own hands s/he did create,

  Invoke his/her wyrd, then cut the thread

  So others shan’t be harmed or misled.

  When the ashes are cool, flush them down the toilet, and know the problem will be handled.

  CHAOS, MAYHEM, AND GENERAL CONFUSION

  Knots of Chaos

  This is a fabulous spell to use on someone who has hurt others for his or her own benefit.

  Materials:

  Length of jute or hemp cord cut to the height of your target

  Find the center of the cord and tie the first knot there, saying:

  By knot of one, you come undone,

  Tie the second knot to the right of the first, saying:

  By knot of two, chaos brews,

  Tie the third knot to the left of the first, saying:

  By knot of three, you’ll want to flee,

  Tie the fourth knot to the right of the second, saying:

  But knot of four just locks the door.

  Now alternating to the left and right, tie the remaining knots as follows while chanting the related verse. The fifth knot:

  By knot of five, you lose your drive,

  The sixth knot:

  By knot of six, your mind plays tricks,

  The seventh knot:

  By knot of seven, you’ll wish for heaven,

  The eighth knot:

  But knot of eight just slams that gate,

  The ninth knot:

  By knot of nine, your strength declines,

  The tenth knot:

  By knot of ten, you cannot win,

  The eleventh knot:

  By knot of eleven, you’ll wish for seven,

  The twelfth knot:

  But that is shelved by knot of twelve.

  The thirteenth knot:

  It’s the thirteenth knot that does you in

  And leaves you paying for your sins.

  It brings you right down to your knees

  And leaves you begging for release.

  But none shall come until you’ve paid

  For what you’ve done, the games you’ve played,

  The folks you’ve hurt, the lives you’ve frayed.

  And only then shall you receive

  Your life again and a reprieve.

  Dig a hole at least nine inches deep and bury the cord in the ground.

  Foot Track Hex

  This simple hex torments your enemy by preventing advancement in any sector of his or her life.

  Materials:

  4 coffin nails

  Target’s foot track

  Hammer

  Go to a place where the target has walked, and locate one of his or her foot tracks. Hammer a nail in the top of the track, saying:

  You can’t move up,

  Hammer a nail in the bottom of the track and say:

  You can’t move down,

  Hammer a nail on the right side of the track and say:

  Nor right,

  Hammer a nail on the left side of the track and say:

  Nor left,

  Then moving your hand in a circular motion first to the right and then to the left, say:

  Nor all around.

  You’re stuck in place and there you’ll be

  Forever: For eternity!

  Walk away and don’t look back.

  Fight Like Cats and Dogs Hex

  This hex requires a field trip to a dog park, but the results are well worth the effort!

  Materials:

  Dirt from a dog park

  Cat hair (If you don’t have a cat, obtain this from a friend who does.)

  Black pepper

  Cayenne or habanero pepper

  Salt

  Go to a dog park and wait for a dogfight. (Trust me on this: If you stay there long enough, you will surely witness one!) Once the fight is over and the dogs have been led away, collect some dirt from the location of the altercation.

  Put the dirt in the coffee grinder along with the hair, salt and peppers, set the grinder to “fine,” and run it for 15-30 seconds. While it’s running, say:

  Fuss and argue, hiss and bite,

  Bark and snarl and yell and fight!

  Sprinkle the powder anywhere you want to sow dissension and discord. (Be sure to clean your work area thoroughly, so as not to cause the problem in your own home!)

  Temporary Blue Jay Feather Hex

  Materials:

  1 blue jay feather

  Pen and paper

  Write the target’s name, then spear it with the feather, making certain that the paper is securely attached. Hold the feather in both hands and say:

  No rest for you, no peace in view,

  Confusion lives and breathes in you.

  Voices in your head erupt

  To override and interrupt

  Those voices speaking in the now

  Distortion rules and won’t allow />
  Common sense to take its place,

  And you begin to come unlaced,

  Certain that you’ve lost your mind

  And no relief at all, you’ll find

  Until this paper comes unwound

  From feathered stem and falls to ground.

  Plant the feather stem in the ground on the target’s property.

  Tower Card Hex

  To create chaos and mayhem for your target, write his or her name in black ink across a copy of the Tower card of the Tarot, then burn it, and scatter the ashes.

  Crow Feather Discord Hex

  To sow general discord in the target’s home, hide a crow feather in his or her house or slip it under the front porch. To create chaos for the target at work, hide the feather in the appropriate work space. (NOTE: It’s important that the feather be found rather than taken by force; otherwise, the magic could backfire on you.)

  COFFIN NAILS

  While coffin nails used to be plentiful and easy to come by, such is not the case anymore. Of course, there are still many occult supply stores that offer them for sale, but the problem with obtaining those is clear: There’s no way to know whether the nails you’ve bought are truly the real thing or just regular nails that can be purchased at half the cost from any local hardware store. This problem can be avoided, however, if you simply make your own. And all it takes is a package of nails, some graveyard dirt, a zippered plastic bag, and the instructions below.

  Count out the number of nails you’ll need for the spell in question, and charge them with your desire.