Inflatable Hugh
Page 20
He has been unemployed ever since, but is on the waiting list for a job at Carpet World, having told them he knows a lot about carpets.
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It soon dawned on Arbuckle that if he could fool Wainwright into believing he was someone else then he might be able to fool the people at Cleek University too.
Wearing a ginger wig, a moustache and glasses might not be convincing enough though. Five thousand pounds from his parents’ savings to fund a little plastic surgery to his nose and jaw made his disguise much more convincing. Putting his computer to good effect again he supplied himself with a false identity, put his new name on his qualifications, and once again successfully applied to Cleek University. He is now in his second year there. He and Bouncy Beyonce are still together.
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Vigilantes Against Sex Toys is still in existence. However, following the debacle of the raid on the An Hour In Bed factory, they have reverted back to a policy of friendly persuasion in their efforts to discourage people from using sex toys.
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If you enjoyed reading Inflatable Hugh would you mind doing me a favour? If you are a member of facebook, recommend it to your facebook friends, if you have a Twitter account, tweet your opinion of it, or if you have neither simply tell anyone in your email address book who you think might like it. Failing that your next door neighbour will do.
Thanks for this
Terry Ravenscroft.
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Also by Terry Ravenscroft and available on Amazon Kindle
ZEPHYR ZODIAC
Dolly was rinsing the tea cups in the sink when Don came in, quite agitated.
“There’s a young couple sat in our car, Doll!”
“A young couple?”
“Teenagers by the look of them. Sitting there as large as life.”
“In our car? Are you sure, Don?”
“Come and have a look if you don’t believe me.”
Don took Dolly’s hand and led her to the front door. When they looked, the young couple were still in the car. Dolly took in the scene and turned to Don.
“What do you think they’re doing there?”
“I’ve no idea.”
“They look very young.”
“Not to mention scruffy. I sincerely hope they don’t soil the leopard skin seats.”
“Perhaps they’ll go if we just ignore them.”
“They look pretty settled to me. Oh no! Well if that isn’t the limit.”
“What’s the matter?”
“He’s lit up a cigarette.”
“We can’t allow that Don, smoking in our car.”
“We most certainly can not, Doll.”
“That won’t do the leopard skin seats any good at all. I mean sitting in our car is one thing, but....”
They made their way down the drive and stopped at the car. The occupants were oblivious to them. Don tapped on the window, businesslike. The boy would down the window.
“Excuse me but just what do you think you’re doing in our motor car?” said Don.
“We’re living in it.”
Zephyr Zodiac will be published early in 2012
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I’M IN HEAVEN
I pinched myself. I felt it. So it couldn’t be a dream. But if it wasn’t, if I really was in Piccadilly Gardens, how have I got here? I couldn’t have sleepwalked all the way from the hospital, it was over two miles, through city streets. Had leaving patients in corridors due to a bed shortage moved up a level? Had one of the nursing staff dumped me here until I wake up? I wouldn’t put it past them - only yesterday a down-and-out who’d collapsed in the street had been left outside in a wheelchair for want of a bed and only prompt action by a security man had stopped the bin men taking him.
Before I could think of another test of my consciousness - I was still far from convinced, despite pinching myself, that I wasn’t dreaming - a tall man carrying a briefcase and a clipboard approached me. He was aged about thirty-five and dressed in casual but expensive-looking clothes. His long, thin, pleasant -looking face smiled down at me as he indicated the place on the bench beside me.
“Mind if I join you?”
I was still too wrapped up in wondering just what on earth was going on to answer. He sat down next to me nevertheless.
“Allow me to introduce myself,” he said. “I’m The Archangel Phil. Your mentor. I’ll be meeting with you from time to time until you’re nicely settled in.” He opened a packet of cigarettes and offered me one. “I believe you indulge in these things?”
My mouth fell open. Slack-jawed I looked from the man to the cigarette packet and back. He indicated the clipboard. “My information is correct? You do like a smoke?” He took a cigarette from the packet and pushed it into my hand.
My mouth opened and shut silently a couple of times. Words eventually came out. “Can you tell me what’s going on here? I mean why am I in the middle of Piccadilly Gardens?”
“You aren’t. You’re in heaven.”
“What?”
“Heaven.”
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****
JAMES BLOND – STOCKPORT IS TOO MUCH
He took the cool glass and looked straight into the eyes of the object of his affection. “Please, all my lovers call me James.”
Pisa Vass returned his look, unblinkingly. “But I have never been your lover, Mr Blond.”
She turned from him as if to walk away, but before she could he caught her lightly by the shoulders and applied just enough pressure to persuade her to turn to face him. “A state of affairs I am now going to take the greatest pleasure in rectifying,” he said, permitting his hands to slide down her arms to encircle her slender waist. He nodded towards the bedroom. “Come, my lovely Pisa Vass.”
“No.” She pushed him away, not at all violently, but firmly enough to make it clear she meant what she said.
Blond was surprised to say the least. He raised a puzzled eyebrow. “No?”
“I can't.”
His brow furrowed. “Can't? What do you mean, you can't?”
“I'm having my period.”
“Having your period?”
“Yes. Sorry.”
He was completely baffled. “But....I mean you can’t be….the girls I meet are never having their period.”
“Well I'm having mine,” said Pisa, simply.
Blond simply couldn’t credit it; for he was speaking the gospel truth. Just like the James Bond of book and film fame not once in his entire career had he encountered a girl who happened to be having her period when he came a calling; that sort of thing just didn’t happen to famous secret agents.
The girl smiled pleasantly. “I could manage a hand job?”
****
Amazon Reader’s Review:-
I'd come across Terry Ravenscroft quite recently via an author peer review site, and was delighted to discover how many amusing books he had written. This one lives up to the standard of the others I've seen, and keeps carefully just on the tasteful side of crude - I don't like crudity, sick humour or 'smut' but Terry somehow manages to avoid these things while still dealing with the fundamentals of human existence. And James Blond's spoof credentials don't stop him from reminding us sometimes of the original, which highlights Ravenscroft's skill in humorous writing. There are even aliens! – Janey Fisher
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FOOTBALL CRAZY
Superintendent Screwer fixed Sergeant Hawks with a beady eye. When would they ever learn? “Where there is football, Sergeant, there is football hooliganism. Having been previously stationed at Leeds I know that for a fact; and I know all about the cancer in our society that football hooliganism has become.”
“With respect sir, what few supporters the Town still ha
ve are nothing like Leeds United supporters.”
Screwer glared at him. If Hawks had been the office door the paint would have blistered.
“Respect?” he screamed. “Respect, Sergeant Hawks? You aren't showing me any frigging respect! If you were you wouldn't be arguing with me, you would be making plans to adequately police Frogley Town's opening game of the season!”
Hawks bit his lip. Retirement and that cottage in the Lakes suddenly seemed much farther away. “Yes sir.”
Screwer drew in his horns a little. “Football supporters are the same the world over, Sergeant. Animals. Nothing more, nothing less. Take my word for it, just because the fans of Frogley Town have yet to reveal their true colours doesn't mean to say that one day they aren't going to.”
“No sir.”
The horns shot back out again as if spring-loaded. “Well just let them! They will not find the Frogley Police Force wanting. Not while my name is Herman Screwer they won't. We'll be ready for them, Sergeant. Ready to whip then into line; ready to break them; ready to smash the brainless bastards into submission!” He suddenly smashed his right fist into his left hand. The splat of the bone of his knuckles colliding with the flesh of his palm made Hawks wince. “Crowd control, that's the name of the game. What are we like for tear gas?”
Amazon Reader’s Review:-
Apart from being very very funny, Football Crazy is unique. For me it's a marvellous mixture of Tom Sharpe and Ripping Yarns with its larger-than-life characters that come alive in your head as the story unfolds and the world of football superstars meets the rich tycoon who's going to bring the return of long-awaited success. Except we're talking Frogley Town and a meat-pie millionaire. Oh - and Superintendent Screwer who would see civil unrest in an impatient bus queue. As is the way with the best caricatures, we've sort of met the main characters before. We know elements of Donny Donnelly, Joe Price and Superintendent Screwer do actually exist in the real world; we can't quite place who and where but we recognise them when we see them. I really do recommend this book, it's a cracking story and, football fan or not, it will bring a smile to your face. It's crying out to be made into a one-off TV special. - Anthony J McCrorie
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****
CAPTAIN’S DAY
The problems posed by having a transvestite on the course were as nothing however once Philip had gone through the operation that transformed him into, if not a whole woman, then minus a set of male genitalia a whole woman. For it was then that Philip Hill, now Phyllis Hill, sought to play in the ladies’ competitions, rather than the men's. Not surprisingly the Sunnymere ladies’ section would not even contemplate the proposition. As far as they were concerned Phyllis Hill was still very much a man. That he was a man now minus a penis and testicles, in addition to being the proud owner, thanks to hormone treatment, of a pair of small but blossoming breasts, didn’t even enter into the argument. The way the ladies saw it was that although Philip Hill may very well no longer have male genitalia he certainly still had the same muscular six feet two inch frame that he’d had before, as well as the two strong arms of the plasterer’s mate he had been (and still was) for the last fifteen years, and therefore had an unfair advantage when it came to propelling a golf ball round the course, especially off the ladies’ tees.
In an effort to reach some sort of compromise Phyllis had offered to play in the ladies’ competitions but off the men's tees, but to no avail. The ladies would not allow her to play in their competitions full stop, and that was the end of the matter. The club chairman George Grover had pointed out to the ladies’ committee, as delicately as he could, that Phyllis now had a vagina and bigger breasts than his wife, in fact bigger breasts than quite a number of the lady members, but the ladies had been adamant in their rejection of the new member without a member.
Amazon Readers review:-
This is a very funny book. It will be enjoyed by golfers and non golfers alike. In fact if Captains day was like this in real life, lots more would take up the game. Refreshingly non pc with events that only the author could ever think of. Great fun and I doubt you have ever read anything like it before. – Cornishblue.
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DEAR AIR 2000
17 Lingland Rd
New Mills
Cheshire
19th March 2006
Air UK Ltd
Stansted Airport
Essex
Dear Air UK
I recently travelled with your airline, and what an exciting experience it was! It was the very first time that I have ever flown, but you can rest assured I will be flying with Air UK on many more occasions in the future if my first experience was anything to go by.
Everything about the flight was excellent - although I believe Air 2000 could give
you a run for your money as far as the in-flight catering goes with their truly mouth-watering lasagne - but what excited me the most was the sight of your stewardesses. How lovely they looked in their smart Air UK uniforms!
And this gets me to the point of my letter. Is it possible to buy an Air UK stewardess uniform? I’m sure that if my wife owned one and she wore it at the appropriate time it would be all that was needed to but a bit of spice back into
our sex life. I look forward eagerly to your reply.
Yours sincerely
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
Air UK’s reply follows
Amazon Reader’s Review:-
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book, couldn’t put it down. Mad-cap humour at its best. My only criticism is that it was too short, I got through it in a day. Going off now to see what else this guy has written that I might enjoy. Highly recommended. - ketch29
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DEAR COCA-COLA
The Jacob's Bakery Ltd
Liverpool
Dear Jacob's Bakery
I am writing to you in my official capacity as secretary of the New Mills Invalids Club. This year marks the 25th anniversary of the club, and we mean to celebrate the occasion in some style, whilst at the same time giving club funds a much needed boost. To achieve this we intend to manufacture and sell to the general public a chocolate biscuit. We are confident that we have the expertise to accomplish this as four of our members used to work for the local sweet and confectionery factory - in fact it was because they worked at the local sweet and confectionery factory that they became invalids, having caught various parts of their anatomy in the machinery, but that's another matter.
Here is where you come in. I have long been a fan of your Jacob's Club biscuits, as have many of my fellow members, and to this end we would like to 'cash in' on your esteemed name by calling our biscuit a 'Jacob's Club Foot' biscuit. This would at once inform the public that it is a quality product, and also that it supports invalids. Can I have you permission, please?
Yours sincerely
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
Jacob's reply follows
Amazon Reader’s Review:-
Do not read this book whilst holding a cold drink, a hot partner or anything squeezable. The genius of this man's writing is a beautiful thing to read, dry, sharply observed and above all cheap as chips on kindle downloads. As funny as ‘Dear Air 2000’ but without the lasagne although you will never be able to look at Bisto gravy granules in quite the same way ever again. Whatever you do download this and help keep Terry Ravenscroft in Oxfam trousers and 2 bottles of white wine. – Lee Sylvester.
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LES DAWSON’S CISSIE AND ADA
ADA: This isn’t doing my feet any good, they feel like a couple of globe artichokes.
CISSIE: Oh stop complaining will you, we have a lot to get through yet.
THEY WALK ON. SUDDENLY ADA SEES A STATUE OF A NAKED GREEK GOD. IT STOPS HER IN HER TRACKS.
ADA: Ooooooh! (SHE QUICKLY COVERS CISSIE’S EYES AND TRIES TO WALK HER PAST THE STATUE)
CISSIE: What the….what do you think you’re playing at, Ada
ADA: Just keep walking, Cissie.
CISSIE PUSHES ADA’S HANDS AWAY
CISSIE: Get your hands off me, you daft…. (SHE SEES THE STATUE)…oooh! Oh I say.
ADA: Well I did try to save you from it.
CISSIE: Yes. Thank you Ada, love.
ADA: Disgusting, isn’t it.