Inflatable Hugh
Page 21
CISSIE: Positively scandalous.
THEY BOTH CARRY ON LOOKING AT THE STATUE, UTTERLY TRANSFIXED, IN AWE.
CISSIE: I wonder who sculpted it?
ADA: I don’t know, but he wasn’t short of clay.
CISSIE: It could be Moore, I suppose.
ADA: Oh not much more, surely.
CISSIE: I meant Henry Moore, the sculptor! Or on second thoughts it could be Rodin. He did 'The Thinker' you know.
ADA: Well that would give you something to think about, that's for sure.
CISSIE: Honestly Ada, your mind! You’ve got a point though, because he’s certainly a big lad and no mistake.
ADA: I thought he had three legs at first.
CISSIE: I wonder what it’s called? (SHE NOTICES A PLAQUE AND LEANS FORWARD TO READ IT)
ADA: Be careful Cissie, it could poke your eye out.
CISSIE: (READS OFF THE PLAQUE) It’s called ‘Waiting’.
ADA: Yes and he’d be waiting a hell of a long time if he was mine. Hey, can you keep a secret, Cissie?
The sketch continues.
Just a few of many YouTube quotes in praise of Cissie & Ada:-
‘I'm aching from laughing! Pure genius!’
‘What great acting and great scriptwriting! ’
‘This is probably the funniest clip of these two ever. "Were you 'virgo intacta'?" "No just bed and breakfast." ’
‘Was drinking a cup of tea when Ada said she was approaching the change. When Cissie said "From which direction?" I lost it as I spat a mouthful of tea across the room. Classic, brilliant comedy. ’
Buy at –
UK
http://amzn.to/nS6271
USA
http://amzn.to/qAHfNU
****
STAIRLIFT TO HEAVEN
.......You have to take your opportunities for a bit of fun when and wherever you find them so when I noticed a man of about my age approaching in the opposite direction I picked up the Zimmer Frame, twirled it round my head a couple of times, and heaved it into the distance. It had not long since been announced that Britain had been granted the 2012 Olympic Games, and with it the Paralympics, and it was probably this, and the thought I’d just had about cripples taking up their bed and walking, that put the idea into my head.
After I’d gone to recover the Zimmer Frame and started to walk back with it the man had stopped and now looked on, puzzled. I turned to him and said, a little self-critically: “Not bad.”
His face was a picture of inquisitiveness. “What on earth are you doing?”
“Training for the Paralympics.”
“Pardon?”
“Throwing the Zimmer Frame," I explained. .”It's a new event. Apparently the host country can pick an entirely new event and Britain has chosen Throwing the Zimmer Frame. It just nudged out the Hop, Hop and Hop for the one-legged I believe."
I returned with the Zimmer to the spot from which I'd thrown it. Two twirls round my head and I launched it again. This time it went about five yards farther.
"Quite an improvement," the man observed, approvingly.
"Yes, must be close to my PB that one," I said, pleased with myself. “That’s Personal Best,” I explained.
"Yes I know, I’m a fan of athletics,” he said. He thought about it for a moment. “Can anyone enter?"
I shrugged as though I didn’t really know. "Well I suppose.” I qualified this. “You need a Zimmer Frame of course." I had a thought. “It’s possible you could get a grant; you might be able to get funding for one if you show you any promise. I’m sure I’ve heard of pole-vaulters getting grants for fibre glass poles.”
I retrieved the Zimmer and made to throw it again.
"Can I have a go?" asked the man.
I handed him the Zimmer Frame. He drew his arm back and threw it as hard as he could. It landed a good ten yards farther than my last effort.
"You're a natural," I said.
“Wasn’t bad was it,” said the man, pleased. “For a first stab at it.”
First stab at it! I had him hooked. I commenced to reel him in. "I tell you what,” I said. “Why don't you get a Zimmer Frame of your own and join me? Apparently there'll be an individual competition and a pairs, one of you throws the Zimmer and the other one throws it back, sort of piggy in the middle but without the piggy, plus a team event, the four man lob - I think that involves passing on the Zimmer to the next thrower like a baton, but we'd need another two for that. I train every morning at ten.".....
The story continues
Amazon Reader’s Review:-
Another exceptional read from Terry Ravenscroft. I could not put this book down, had me laughing out loud and receiving some odd looks! I have also read Dear Coca Cola and Dear Air 2000 and couldn't stop laughing....Mrs Mulzy
Buy now at –
UK
http://amzn.to/pDPB2L
USA
THE RAZZAMATAZZ FUN EBOOK
The Razzamatazz Fun Ebook is a collection of sketches, stories, parodies, humorous newspaper and magazine advertisements, quizzes, games, new book announcements, job applications, travel brochures, restaurant menus, cookbooks, theme park ads, wedding lists, you name it you’ll probably find it inside. Plus an extensive comic encyclopaedia. An example:-
ABBA Immensely successful Swedish pop group whose name is made up from the initial letters of their Christian names, Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny and Anna-frid. A later Swedish pop group who used the same idea and whose Christian names were Tomas, Wilhelmina, Arnie, Trudi and Stefan were not nearly so popular.
Within the many pages of The Razzamatazz Fun EBook, the first eBook of its kind, you’ll discover what it’s like to travel with UneasyJet; answer the question Are you capable of bestiality?; read about the latest blockbusters from Northern Books (they’re grand!); enjoy a game of Lad’s Night Out, peruse the menu at top Indian restaurant A Passage to India, (and bottom restaurant A Back Passage to India) and read your horoscope with Your Stars by Delma. An example: -
Aries MAY 22 – JUNE 22 With the Moon in Pisces, the Sun in Aquarius, Jupiter in Neptune and your husband in bed with the au pair, it could be a tricky week for the fairer sex. However those born under the sign of Aries are nothing if not optimistic, and with Jupiter being in Leo, Pluto being in Cancer, your bank balance being in the red, your jewellery being in hock, and you being in the shit, you really won’t have the time to worry about it’.
All this and much, much more.
Amazon Reader’s Review:-
This man is a comedy genius! Possibly one of the funniest books I've ever read, it's a collection of sketches, observations and short stories that will have you laughing from start to finish, especially if you have a warped sense of humour like me.... Biker Girl.
Buy at –
UK
http://amzn.to/sKM89i
US
http://amzn.to/rSuyMB
****