Sunlight

by Gwen Cole

  I wanted to kiss him again.

  For a whole moment, it was just us.

  “You what?” Charley asked, bringing my hearing back.

  “I said, I know him,” Seth repeated. “He isn’t a threat to us, you have to believe me.”

  My eyes shifted to Seth—even though they didn’t want to—knowing how hard it was for him to talk about this. To reveal what happened to him.

  “Where do you know him from?” Charley asked.

  Seth glanced at West for a moment, almost biting his lip. Then he said, “I was one of the people that he had helped escape from the South City. He’s the one that had started everything, Charley. I wouldn’t lie to you.”

  In those few words, it truly confirmed who West was; the famous traitor that everyone seemed to know of.

  “All right.” Charley nodded and shifted his weight, looking over the newcomer, trying to convince himself he wasn’t a threat. “But what about the girl?”

  Girl?

  My head snapped back to West and I had to do a double take. There was a girl around the same age as us, standing right next to him. Who the crap was she? I wanted to scream the question so loud that the birds in the sky could hear and be afraid of my wrath. From somewhere inside me, heat was beginning to rise.

  She was staring at Seth and Charley who were trying to decide if they could trust her or not. Her curly strawberry blonde hair came over her shoulders like some sort of model.

  What was wrong with me? I was never jealous of anyone this much in my whole life. I shouldn’t have felt this way, it was wrong. If West wanted to be . . . with her, then that was his choice. Wasn’t that the way it should be? Everyone makes their own decisions, including him.

  I wanted to run away right then.

  Run away and never come back. I wanted to hide someplace and cry my eyes dry. But as I looked at West, I know I could never do that. I was bound to him by a force I had never felt before. It was a magnet within my heart, and I was too weak to pull away. Too weak for my own selfish reasons.

  West quickly glanced at the girl next to him then back to me, but his expression was unreadable.

  My mouth seemed dry.

  “So, you’re name is West, right?” It was Charley who asked him.

  He pulled his eyes off mine. “Yes.”

  “Is the girl with you? Because I don’t want anybody in this camp that I can’t trust.”

  I saw his gaze flicker over to where I was, but he never looked at me directly. I felt unwanted. Like I was that ugly duck in the children’s book that no one seemed to look at, or care about.

  He seemed to pick his words carefully. “Yes, she’s a not danger to you.”

  Charley nodded in agreement. “Seth, if it’s all right with you, can these two stay in your cabin for tonight? I know you’re leaving in the morning so it will just be for the one night.”

  “Yeah, that’s fine,” he said.

  People started dispersing, going back to whatever they were doing before the small happening, and left the five of us standing there awkwardly. Seth kept glancing towards me but I never looked at him, just catching his movement from the corner of my eye.

  “If you want,” Seth offered, “I can take you to the cabin so you can get settled in before nightfall.”

  “Sure.” West nodded slowly. “And I’m glad to meet you officially. I’m sorry I hadn’t recognized you right away.”

  Seth shook his head. “It’s all right, I wouldn’t have either.”

  “Oh, and this is Mia,” West said, motioning to the girl beside him.

  She nodded a hello to him and then to Ethan. Her gaze shifted over to mine but she didn’t say anything before turning back to the other two.

  I already hated her.

  I felt everyone’s eyes on me until Seth interrupted the silence.

  “Well, I’ll show you the way then.”

  I could have hugged him.

  He started walking in the other direction and Mia instantly turned her back without a second thought. But West paused for a moment; I watched his feet, not gaining enough courage to meet his eyes just yet, and tried to bury the growing anger within me.

  I shouldn’t have been angry with him, but I was.

  I never looked up, and a lifetime must have pasted until he turned slowly and left, without saying a word.

  It felt as if he was leaving me all over again.

  I watched his back until Ethan came and took my limp hand from my side. He tugged on it lightly and I followed him back into the woods where his pinecone house was waiting to be finished. I sat down at the base of the big tree as he dropped down in his previous spot. My breathing was shaky with reasons I wasn’t aware of.

  “So . . . what do we do now?” he asked.

  “About what?”

  “Are we still leaving tomorrow? Are they going to come with us?”

  They. It was a horrible word.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I guess we’ll find out later once we talk to Seth.”

  He picked at the pinecone in his hand, probably deciding what other questions he wanted to ask me. But before he could, Seth came into our little clearing and sat down next to Ethan. His small ponytail was starting to come out, but he just pushed the loose hair behind his ears instead of fixing it.

  “Seth, why didn’t you tell me?” Ethan asked. “About what happened to you in the city.”

  Seth studied the ground and didn’t look up. “I’m not entirely sure. There was no reason not too, so I don’t know why I didn’t.” He looked at the boy beside him. “I’m sorry, Eth.”

  “It’s not a big deal.” Then Ethan then asked the question I had secretly been wanting to know. “So, who’s that girl? Did she say where she’s from?”

  “I guess they knew each other back home, before the army recruited them.”

  “She was a soldier too?”

  “I guess so,” Seth answered quietly.

  I didn’t want to think about her. Her and all of her blonde hair. I felt like a nobody compared to her. I was so bitter I could practically taste it in my mouth.

  Seth stood and left, saying he was going to help with dinner. Ethan looked over to see if I was going to get up too, but once he saw that I wasn’t, he settled back down.

  “You can go if you want to, Ethan.”

  “No, I don’t want to.”

  “Yes, you do.”

  “No, it’s all right.”

  I just shook my head and stood. I never planned to leave this little clearing so soon, but I knew I couldn’t hide forever. I had to come out and confront him eventually.

  “Where are you going?” he asked.

  “Come on.”

  “But you don’t want to,” he said, standing.

  “No, I don’t,” I admitted. “But I have to sometime, so why not now?”

  He took the lead and I followed slowly behind. Maybe I would just go straight to the cabin and fall asleep before anyone saw me.

  But when I spotted him across the camp, those thoughts drifted away. I’d been away from him for too long and knew I couldn’t stand it a moment longer. He was my north pole.

  He noticed me coming from a long ways off.

  I could feel those striking eyes on me like a bright light at the end of a dark hall. It made me so conscious of my movements that I actually had to think of how to walk. People nodded hello as I passed their campfires and tents, and I tried to return them but my mind was only on one thing.

  Ethan got there before me, and now the four of them were surrounding the small fire in front of our cabin. Seth worked over a pot of fresh venison, and Ethan was poking a stick into the fire. The sun was almost set now and the woods were darkening again, ready for another long night.

  I stood there a moment, on the fringe of the social circle, not meeting his staring eyes—because I could feel them on me—then quickly took a seat on an empty space on a log farthest from him. Unfortunately, this was also the seat next to Mia. Her eyes wandered over me
as I sat there trying to ignore everything around me. I had the urge to punch her again.

  “Your name is, Reese, right?”

  “Yes,” I gritted through my teeth. If she noticed, she didn’t show it.

  “Ever since West and I had started traveling together he hasn’t stopped mentioning your name. After a while I was beginning to think you were made up. But it’s amazing your knee has fully healed without much of a limp. You would’ve been lucky to ever walk again.”

  I finally looked up at West and met his stare. It was torturous. I was battling within myself; trying to glare but wanting to cry of joy, and not being able to decide between the two. His eyes were strong but restricted, like he was trying to speak to me through his mind. I stared back emotionlessly.

  “So, you two knew each other? From before?” I could almost hear the venom in my voice.

  His expression never changed; sitting like a rock, his chin angled down with his eyes glued to mine. The light from the fire seemed to make them green.

  “Uh, yeah.” She laughed a little and I hated it. “We grew up together.” There was something more in the statement but that was all she said. Probably for her own safety.

  Seth kept glancing between me and West, waiting for one of us to say something to each other. He didn’t seem to know what to do.

  He eventually asked, “Reese, you want some food?”

  I shook my head. “I’m not hungry.”

  “Um, okay.” He slowly dragged his eyes off me, acting like he was expecting me to do something rash and was ready to stop me if I did. “Ethan?”

  “Why do you bother asking?” He grinned, totally unaware of the tense air around us. “I’m starved.”

  “West? Mia?”

  “Yes, please.” Mia answered in an almost too sweet of voice. She was choosing to ignore the situation, and that was probably smart on her part.

  Across the fire, with his eyes still on me, West shook his head. “I’m not hungry, either.”

  “Jeez, West, when was the last time you’ve eaten something?” Mia asked, accepting the plate from Seth.

  He just shrugged, not looking away from me.

  I suddenly felt the need to leave.

  I stood, my legs shaking a bit as I did. I felt weak under his gaze and couldn’t stand it any longer.

  “I’m going to bed.” I peeled my eyes off him and walk towards the cabin. I didn’t want to look at him anymore.

  The space between us was too painful.

  It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  After I disappeared into the cabin, I walked over to the cold fireplace. It was so dark I could barely see, but I managed to gather some wood and had a fire started within a minute. Standing there watching the flames lick the dry wood made my eyes suddenly very tired.

  The frustration that was brewing inside me was beginning to disappear. It felt like I was melting. Before today, I wanted nothing more than to see West again. But now that he was here, with that girl, I didn’t even want to look at him. But I couldn’t stand not to.

  Everything about him confused me.

  I wanted to cry and scream, but the tears wouldn’t come. They were always there at the times I didn’t want them to, and now when I needed them most, there was nothing. There wasn’t even a lump in my throat like there usually was when I was angry or frustrated. I felt empty of tears now, like they were gone from my life forever.

  The door opened, making the flames waver from the fresh air. It shut with a soft click. The footsteps stopped right behind me and I had no doubt who it was. Without even looking at him, my heart pounded.

  “Reese?”

  I turned to face him, knowing I didn’t have a friendly expression on my face.

  “Finally decide to talk to me?” I asked. “What has it been, a month and half now?”

  A pained expression shadowed his face. “I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. I wish I could go back and change things.”

  Change things. There were so many things I wanted to change I wouldn’t know where to start. But it was useless. It was even a waste of time thinking about it. But even though I wanted to be angry with him, I couldn’t.

  Like Dad always used to say, you always have patience for the people you love and care for. It makes it impossible to be angry at them forever.

  “Like what?” I whispered.

  “Like not leaving you that night,” he breathed heavily. “I promised you that I would come back, but I broke it. And that was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”

  Seeing him like this made my frustration and anger disappear entirely. He was beating himself up with his own words. I hated seeing him like this. I longed to see the West that laughed and always smiled easily.

  “I wanted to be back sooner,” he continued. “To be there with you when you left the farm.” He took a step closer. “To be able to help you when you needed me. To be there at night when you couldn’t sleep.”

  “I sleep just fine.” That was the biggest lie I’d ever told. “I’m not helpless, West. I’ve been doing fine on my own.”

  He nodded. “I know you’re not helpless. You’re the farthest thing from it, but something could’ve happened to you, and I wouldn’t have been there. You kept your promise, but I broke mine. And it hurts me to know I can never change that.”

  I nodded, unable to say anything against him.

  The side of his mouth came up a fraction. “And just so you know . . . I know you haven’t slept well.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Well, you haven’t either. And just to have you know . . . you look horrible.”

  He laughed, and after not hearing it after all this time, I couldn’t hold back my smile. I missed it too much. “I said the same thing to you the second day we were together,” he said.

  I remembered. That was when he decided to look for a shower, from in the middle of the woods. So many things had happened since then. It made the memories come back all too quickly, the one’s with Dersa especially.

  My heart dropped with the memory of that man. “Did you kill him?”

  The light in his eyes faltered. “No, I never found him. I looked for six weeks, until around the time you left, then started back to meet up with you. I was stalled on the way and that’s when I met up with Mia.”

  “Mia,” I stated plainly. I had momentarily forgotten my feelings about the new addition, and now they were rushing back.

  “Yes.” I saw in his eyes that he knew what I was getting at. West wasn’t an idiot. “Reese—”

  “No,” I interrupted. “You don’t have to explain. You’ve known her a long time. You have a past with her.” My voice wavered. “I was just someone to travel with. I get that.”

  His jaw clenched together as he stared at me.

  “Reese—” West took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. “How can you even think that? You were not just someone to travel with. You aren’t.”

  “West, I haven’t seen you in over a month. And to be honest, I was beginning to lose hope. Then today you appear out of nowhere. And with another girl.” As I said the last sentence my voice cracked. I felt like crying again even though I knew I shouldn’t.

  West was never mine to begin with. I was stupid to think he was.

  His eyes seemed to change in the firelight and I had no idea what he was thinking right then. His face was a blank chalkboard, though his eyes were twitching like his mind was franticly thinking.

  Then seemingly out of nowhere, he kissed me.

  It felt like before—soft with words behind it. His lips moved with mine and the taste of him was sweet. My head spun behind my closed eyes, and my heart fluttered more than ever. There was a butterfly in my chest, trapped behind my ribcage, and I couldn’t let it out. His hand came up, curling around the back of my neck, my skin feeling hot underneath his fingers.

  Our bodies were closer than they ever had been. I could feel the heat coming from his beating heart, and I felt myself never wa
nting to pull away.

  It lasted only a few short moments before he broke away.

  “Sorry,” he whispered and stepped back a fraction.

  “What was that for?” I didn’t want to admit that I never wanted it to stop, even though it was the truth.

  He shook his head and pulled off his beanie, ruffling his hair with his fingers, making the hat hair disappear. It didn’t help much; it just made my cheeks redder, even though I thought it impossible.

  “To help you believe that she means nothing to me,” he said, giving me one of his adorable smiles. “She never has, Reese. Not even before the war.” I stood there taking in the information. To be honest I felt relieved, but I still had this hot jealously of her, without reason. He searched my eyes. “That place in my heart has already been taken.”

  West stood there silently, just waiting for me to say something.

  “I missed you,” I said quietly. “More than I could bear.” His blue eyes had my legs weakening. I never wanted to be away from him again. “Please don’t leave again,” I whispered.

  West leaned in, pressing his lips against my forehead. “Never,” he said. When he stepped away, it was like he was struggling with himself. It wasn’t hard to guess what, because I had the same problem.

  If we didn’t change the subject soon, things would get warmer in here much quicker than the fire could ever make it.

  “We’re leaving in the morning,” I suddenly said. Then I asked, even though I knew his answer, “Are you coming with us?”

  “You know I am. I’m never going to leave you again, I promise. But I know that doesn’t mean that much to you now, and I wish it did.”

  “It does. You never broke your promise, you just delayed it.” I gave him a shrug and small smile.

  The door suddenly opened and I moved closer to the fire as West sat down at the small table. For two people who obviously liked each other, we moved awfully quickly. Seth came in followed by Ethan and Mia. They all pretended not to notice anything—or maybe they didn’t. Either way, I was glad nothing was brought up.

  We moved around the cabin, pushing things aside to make room for the blankets on which Seth, Mia, and West would sleep on. Ethan offered up his space on the bed for her but she politely refused.