Milky Way Marmalade

by Mike DiCerto

  "I think the general was last in the small antechamber at the bottom of this staircase. Are you going to kill him?” Oafy asked, with Angie's naïve accent.

  "Considering my Willy is aboard The Moby Dick, I think that's doubtful, Angie."

  "There's a slew of weapons in that wooden armory just beneath these stairs. I was nosing around."

  Caffrey raced down the steps; and spotting the tall, narrow closet, he pulled open its double doors. It was filled with swords, scabbards, stilettos and daggers. Ignoring all the blades, he picked up a triple-balled mace.

  "Wicked choice,” Oafy said, with an Angie-like sigh.

  A high-pitched Yip! and a scream of agony raced to Caffrey's ears from far across the series of halls before him.

  "Yin!” Caffrey took off. Oafy chuckled and followed.

  * * * *

  Poe 33 stood motionless, his eyes closed and his arms and legs akimbo in a silly pose that illustrated his complete surrender to the forces of magnetism.

  "Angie. Angie, are you still there?” he asked in a slow and oddly modulated diction.

  "Yes,” she replied.

  Both Angie and Poe 33's vocals would have been completely indecipherable to human ears. But their respective audio circuits were highly sensitive, each able to make sense of the other's speech.

  "Poe, if I don't make it I want you to know something."

  "What is that, Angie?"

  "You did not fail your master. You saved him."

  "I wish it were so. But I was delinquent—"

  "No!” Angie interrupted. “I heard the details from Oafelia. She was witness to it. You caused your master to vanish to safety. You were very brave and honorable. You fought courageously in the gardens and sent your Master on his way rather than have him captured. You sacrificed yourself for him,” Angie said, spicing up the tale a bit for the sake of Poe's ego.

  Poe 33 seemed to ponder her words a moment, then his eyes opened. “You said I caused my master to vanish?"

  "Yes. Oafelia saw it."

  "That's odd. The only way that could happen would be if I were to remove the entanglement circuit that linked my neural-matrix with that of my master's."

  "You sacrificed a part of your own body for the sake of your master's safety. You are, indeed, amazing, Poe 33."

  "That information fills me brim-worthy with great euphoria. Yes! The gardens! My positive arousal seems to have freed repressed memories. A moon, behind a liquid sky. Smiling with angry eyes."

  "I don't understand, Poe."

  "You don't need to, Angie. But if we do make it, I will see that monuments are built in your honor. Large ones. Perhaps the size of moons that orbit ones the size of planets that in turn orbit—"

  "I get the point, Poe. That's sweet. But ... what?"

  Poe suddenly appeared even more excited.

  "I know where my missing chip is!"

  * * * *

  Be they belong to West Highland Terrier or Frezenese Bopple, sharp canines, when sunk deep into the calf muscle of a humanoid, are a very effective means of causing the sensation of pain.

  "Yeeeeeooowwwwww!” came the universal expression of agony1 from the mouth of General Stanglift. Yin was locked onto the general's leg as the old soldier hopped up and down, desperately trying to dislodge the biting Bopple.

  "Turn off the compactor!” Yin ordered through his clenched teeth.

  "Yeeeeahhhhooww!” repeated the general.

  "Yin!” Caffrey called out as he entered the room, almost losing his footing on the smooth, shining surface of the exotic wooden floor.

  "Turn off the compactor!” Yin repeated, this time to Caffrey.

  Caffrey looked about the room, soon spotting the opened control station beside the chute entrance. General Stanglift, his eyes rolling around in his skull and his face snow-white, hopped toward a sword on display beside the large, circular stained glass window. Caffrey raced to the bank of switches and blinking lights and punched the “Dump” button.

  "Ringo!” the faux Angie screamed. “The general!"

  Caffrey turned just as Stanglift slid the sword from its mount, ready to slice Yin to cold cuts if necessary in order to rid himself of the throbbing pain. Caffrey spun the mace over his head and let the ball and chains fly. The general's wrist was snagged by the chains, and the kinetic energy pulled him off-balance, sending him slipping on the wood floor and tumbling through the colorful glass display with an almost musical tintinnabulation. The general and Yin cascaded out and down.

  "Yin!” Caffrey yelled.

  Oafy, in her best Angie impersonation, reasoned, “You go save Hendrix! I'll take care of the compactor. There's a dump chute just beyond the front wall of the gardens!"

  Caffrey rushed out without a word.

  "Sorry, my pretty. Age before beauty,” pronounced Oafy with a victorious snicker.

  * * * *

  Poe 33 found himself sitting amidst rubbish and the overgrown weeds that had been let grow around the garbage chute adjacent to the perimeter wall of the garden. He looked like a drunk ejected from a pub.

  "My, I have never truly appreciated the pleasure of fresh air before,” he said in his real voice with a little soft cymbal brushing in the backing track. He looked around the barren stretch of stubby pocaplants and seebo grass, cocking his head as if trying to pick up a sound. “Are you okay, Angie?” he asked, scanning the area. “Angie?"

  There was no reply.

  * * * *

  Caffrey bounded across the front lawn and around the massive side wall of the castle, abruptly stopping himself from crashing into Violet. She wore a concerned expression.

  "I don't think you want to go back there,” she advised somberly.

  He stepped around her and continued to the castle moat. The deep, moldy green water seemed to ooze rather than flow. Within this murk moved large figures; long, flowing bodies rippled the surface with the tips of their pointy fins. They were busy enjoying a rather bloody meal. Bits and pieces of Stanglift's uniform floated to the surface. There was no sign of white fur.

  Caffrey stared into the water, then peered upward. The jagged edges of the once-ornate window dangled like the epilogue to a horrid tale.

  "I'm sorry, Caffrey,” Violet murmured, stepping up behind him. “I'm sure it was quick. Gulping zedfish get their names from quickly but painlessly swallowing their meals."

  The sound of Poe 33's servos turned Caffrey's head, and the android built urgent tones into his words.

  "Quark Caffrey, I suggest we find Angie and Yin."

  "Yin, I'm afraid, has met a tragic end,” Oafy explained, being Angie.

  The news didn't seem to register properly with the distracted Poe, who babbled, “Despite the unhappy turn of events for our four-legged comrade, I have rather good news. I believe I have recalled the location of my chip!” He moved off decisively, servos whining.

  Caffrey followed the android. Violet pushed passed Poe. The party entered the courtyard where they had first met Queen Kinkskin. Poe 33 gestured to the Fountain of Dimenatries.

  "Thanks to Angie, I recalled the events leading up to the disappearance of my Master. Moments after I was announced into the Phallus of the Palace I sensed a presence. It was subtle, a ghostly twinge in my inner self. Although the masculine wisdom aspects of my intelligence matrix could not comprehend the intruder, my deeper, feminine understanding systems realized it was leaking in from another dimension. It was such a brief occurrence I spent only nanoseconds of thought on it.

  "You have to understand, although I am the great Poe 33 I did have a number of analogous members of the group Lepidoptera hovering in my stomach. I wandered out here to ponder my choices. I decided it best to cut the entanglement tie between myself and my master; and I ripped from my own guts the very chip that allows for such a close, quantum relationship. I was suddenly distracted by a burly guard, who ran into the garden with a large metallic weapon. I fought, as Angie described it, valiantly and with great testosterone-soaked vigor,” Poe 33 a
dded, figuring a little embellishment couldn't hurt. “In the mêlée, we both fell into the waters of this fountain."

  "So, that's who you are!” Her voice a soft whisper, Oafy identified the Portsmith beneath the snakeskin camouflage.

  Poe 33 rattled on with his explanation. “After the defeat of my adversary my memory of the story begins to fade. I recall somehow being back in the castle, perhaps running in a panic. Then it goes quickly from gray to black."

  Caffrey walked around the fountain and peered into the clear water. Something caught his attention, and he bent over the stone ledge and dunked his head. He found himself staring at a set of small bare buttocks, formed in stone relief on the bottom of the fountain. Lodged in the little smile of the cherub coolie was a small metallic square. Touches of orange glinted off its smooth surface. Caffrey plucked it out and removed his dripping head from the cool waters.

  "I found your smiling moon. And your chip, Poe,” he announced.

  "Wonderful!” the android exclaimed, doing a little tapdance, “With this returned to my system I will soon be reunited with the One—as such a rare and wondrous specimen of an android should be!"

  A weird ripple washed across the entire landscape, interrupting Poe 33's single-handed orgy of self-praise. It was not a tremor beneath the ground, but rather a shimmy of everything. The very fabric of space seemed to warp and dance.

  "This world is being extracted,” Violet calmly stated. “Like I told you."

  "Ridiculous!” the Revenant voice argued, almost losing control of her Angie impersonation.

  Poe 33 corroborated. “The one with purple eyes is correct. We must leave immediately! I calculate the entropy of this system decreasing exponentially."

  "This world is chosen! It is special! I was promised!” Angie's voice was cracking, and bits of Oafy's smoky and angry tones were slipping through.

  "What's wrong, Angie? We have to leave! Now! Get the ship ready!” Caffrey shouted as he urged Poe and Violet out of the courtyard toward the landing area.

  I'll destroy that egomaniacal liar, too! I'll destroy all of them. I will control L'Orange. I will re-create the universe in my glorious image! Oafy thought as she obeyed Caffrey's order and flew across the gardens and to The Moby Dick. In her mind's eye, she pondered the universe and how it would look under the design of an electrical sentient intelligence with no physical form. Quite different. Quite different.

  * * * *

  From deep within the castle, in the heart of the compactor, a voice called out, soft and muffled. Angie waited to be rescued from her magnetic prison. Her cries fell on no one's ears.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Space Oddity

  Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles.

  I'm feeling very still.

  And I think my spaceship knows which way to go.

  David Bowie

  "Going. Going. Gone,” uttered Poe 33 as The Moby Dick raced from Regal 9. The world of the fluid-sucking Queen Kinkskin and her Court of Odd Love was no more. A wash of gas, dust and glittering primordial matter swirled round and round into the infinite depths of a singularity, like dirty water down a kitchen sink drain.

  Caffrey stared with saddened eyes, wondering what fate held for his poochie-woochie. Was Yin alive in the horrid dimension of Nefarious Wretch? Was he simply eaten by the horrid gulping zedfish? Did he go kicking, scratching and biting into the belly of the beast?

  "I am sorry about Yin, Quark,” Violet offered, stepping up beside him.

  "Can we drop you off somewhere?” he asked, looking into her purple eyes with a cold sneer. “Perhaps the nearest black hole?"

  "Don't be ludicrous,” Violet snapped, backing away from his raw anger.

  Caffrey was about to retort when suddenly his words were cut short. A saddened expression softened his face—he'd recalled hearing Yin utter those same words in his wry but sweet tone. He softened his harsh look and studied her eyes, then: “Poe, what do your sensory circuits relay to you regarding her integrity?"

  A quick wash of blue light scanned Violet's head.

  "Nothing conclusive. Perhaps if you replaced my chip, Quark Caffrey?"

  Caffrey's eyes brightened—he'd totally forgotten. Taking the small blue plate from his pocket, he nodded to Poe. The android opened a small door at the base of his lower back.

  "I will self-illuminate the slot,” Poe 33 advised, causing the perimeter around it to glow a soft green. “Please remove the scrambler."

  Caffrey quickly pulled out the offending circuit and replaced it with the blue plate. With a soft whine, it was pulled deeper into Poe 33's torso. A flash and a soft beep indicated correct installation. Poe 33 closed the panel.

  "How's that?” Caffrey asked.

  Poe's reply was sobering.

  "Troublesome."

  "Why?"

  "I was expecting to feel an instant karmic connection to my master. I should be feeling the non-local entangled link, even if separated by a billion light-years. I feel nothing in any corner of known space and time."

  Caffrey frowned with disappointment, but Poe spoke again.

  "Interesting. I am getting a systems error. There should be a component in slot C1-33. I am finding that space empty. Would you please check, Quark Caffrey?"

  Caffrey confirmed it to be empty. “What's missing?"

  "My master,” Poe 33 said sadly. “There should be a diamond vial containing a minute sample of the Wise Substance."

  A worried expression washed across Caffrey's face.

  "Would that be the vial you removed when we were at the pier back in New York?'

  Poe 33 tried to recall the moment.

  "It is a vague memory, as the scrambler seems to have faded its specifics. Perhaps. Do you still have it?"

  "No,” Caffrey admitted, very softly.

  "Excuse me, Quark Caffrey?"

  "I left it on the bar."

  "On the what?” Violet asked aghast.

  "The bar. With Sam! Thanks to you, I rushed out. Sam must have it."

  "I am getting no signals of the back-up vial, either."

  Caffrey nodded. “That's gone as well."

  "How do you know that?” Violet wondered.

  "Quigmo Digmo had it. One of his contacts stole it from Poe."

  "On Yeplu 7,” recalled Poe 33.

  "Yes."

  "So, perhaps we can pay Mr. Digmo a visit and retrieve it?” suggested Poe 33.

  "No good. I stole it from Quigmo,” Violet confessed. “Gave it to Yin."

  "And Yin gave it to me."

  "And you, Quark Caffrey, ate it,” stated Poe mournfully.

  Violet was stunned. “You did what?"

  "I ate it! Yin insisted that I did!"

  "I am doomed,” prophesied the Portsmith as his face collapsed into a mud pile of dejection.

  The Galax-Skein monitors began flashing. Caffrey glanced at the screen.

  "There's an all-planets bulletin coming in,” he indicated as he watched for the announcement.

  "This replay of the extraction of Regal 9 is brought to you by Wormwood Fossil Fuel Corp,” said a bubbly voice as very un-Rock music began playing. A multi-angled video clip of the world of Queen Kinkskin spiraling away played in full-spectrum color. “Thanks to the generosity of Quigmo Digmo Limited, Wormwood Fossil Fuel can continue to bring our customers galaxy-wide cheap and plentiful combustion fuels to keep their lives running bright. Our ‘Fuel Recovery of Extracted Entities’ program continues to supply trillions of liters of the precious resource."

  "Quigmo,” mouthed Caffrey, with a smirk.

  "Remember,” the bubbly voice continued. “They don't play by the rules, then we take their fuel. And pass those savings on to you, our loyal customers!"

  The replay of Regal 9's vanishing act finished, and a Being appeared on the screen. It had a large head, a smattering of eyes and hairy clumps dotting the face. A small mouth protruded where a chin should be.

  "Spydersloth Blaust.” The words hissed softly from Violet li
ke a horrid curse.

  Caffrey noticed her sincere disdain—it was hard not to—but he said nothing. He watched the screen with great interest.

  "On the upcoming Labates Day of the offspring of our wondrous leader,” the Arachnid began, “Another world mired in the muck of music will cease to exist in this realm. Come watch its end—a sobering experience for all music-practicing worlds—live, aboard the Crystal Guise! Come. Learn. Find the true path of disharmony."

  "That's it. Labates Day!” Violet said excitedly.

  "What is Labates Day?” Caffrey inquired testily.

  Poe spoke up. “It is the day when the young are initiated into the mindset of non-lyrical thinking. It is traditional to give a child some sort of musical symbol for them to destroy. An instrument to crush. Music sheets to burn. Sometimes musicians to torment."

  Violet agreed. “Yes! Your friends, in their state of compacted holographic form, mistaken for a Yiplakin Holographic Army in a Box add-on, would make the perfect gift for a child of O.D.O.R! Musicians he can torment in virtual worlds of non-rhythmic horror! It may be a long shot, but it would make sense for O.D.O.R to swipe them."

  Caffrey smiled. Could the universe have shaken its pale ass of synchronicity in his face again? “Angie, check G.S. Find out if there's any info about Spydersloth Blaust's whereabouts. Check under ‘Parties and Night Life.’”

  After a brief search, Oafy responded in Angie's sweet and sincere dialect. “Bingo! Spydersloth Blaust's ship, the Crystal Guise, is orbiting Haptiwoo. In the Komquista System."

  "And we have a VIP ticket to the party!” said Violet, turning her eyes toward Poe 33.

  "I don't understand,” the android explained honestly.

  Violet enlarged. “You, Poe, will be our VIP ticket aboard that gigantic, floating nest of brainwashed fanatics. Spydersloth will have us as his personal guests if he thinks he can get his hands on the enigmatic Portsmith."

  Caffrey and Poe 33 each pondered the idea.

  "Angie, let's get out of this miserable system. Pop a hole."

  "Aye, aye, my itchy cake."

  * * * *

  The real Angie voyaged alone in a black void that had been the space occupied by Regal 9. She raced towards The Moby Dick, desperately trying to avoid the ripples and waves of the fabric of reality and make it back aboard her home. Back to her friends. She beelined it toward the stern-positioned communications antenna. She would show her wrath to Oafelia. She would vow her eternal love to Caffrey.