Milky Way Marmalade

by Mike DiCerto

  The wormhole created by The Moby Dick's engines was closing quickly. The ship vanished, and Angie raced for the portal.

  * * * *

  The journey through the galactic shortcut took a few days, but, all in all, some forty thousand years of travel time was trimmed from the trip. The crew tried to regain their fortitude with long stretches of sleep. The makeup made by Lindboola was beginning to fade, and Monty had shriveled and fallen off. Poe's sheen had returned and the Serpentine days of Caffrey and the Portsmith would soon be lost to memory.

  The flashing streaks outside the ship retracted into smaller patches then finally returned to the normal star field of the surrounding space.

  "Looks like we've come out into the system containing planet Haptiwoo.” Violet stared through the view port and pointed. “And there she is. The beautiful ringed star of Komquista."

  The bluish-white giant hung some one hundred-twenty million kilometers away, with its strange ring of red plasma.

  "Angie, can you tell me anything about the quantum integrity of this system?” Caffrey asked.

  "Entropy is as expected. All six planets are, as of yet, in normal condition. Spydersloth's craft is seventy million kilometers away, orbiting the planet of Haptiwoo."

  "We need to get a message to the ship,” asserted Violet, “Explain that we are mere supplicants who have captured the enigmatic Portsmith to the Great L'Orange and will present it to Spydersloth Blaust as our gift of love, honor and respect for his being."

  Caffrey's nausea dripped down his face.

  "Yes. Pretty sickening. Desperate times,” she said as if she had just swallowed a mouthful of brine. Her expression softened. “I should have held on to your friends personally, Caffrey. We never intended to lose them. I promised Yin."

  "You promised Yin what?"

  Violet turned. “I was never a member of O.D.O.R. I infiltrated them. Working closely with Yin."

  "You and my dog?"

  "Yin is one of the most respected members of the Order. He worked his way into your life when he realized how integral you were. I was asked by him to play the mysterious villain. Lure you into the little adventure."

  "That Machiavellian mutt!” spat Caffrey.

  "He was thinking of the big picture. He knew the only way to assure your involvement was proper motivation. Yin thinks the world of you, Caffrey. Always bragged how no one rubbed his tummy like you."

  Caffrey gave her a long, hard look. He wasn't sure he if believed her story. He still had the urge to eject her into the dark lap of space. But she was gorgeous. He had been so distracted with the task at hand it had sort of slipped his mind. She held his gaze and smiled coyly, sending a tingle slithering from his eye sockets to every pore of his body.

  He forced himself back to business. “Contact Spydersloth's ship and offer him Poe. Be sure to insist that we will only deliver the android if both you and myself can board as well. Angie will be our sleuth. And I suggest we travel at subhype speeds in sissymode. I don't want his eminence picking up our signature until we are on his front porch."

  "It will take two full days to reach his ship,” reported Oafy.

  "Fine."

  "Glad to see you thinking clearly,” Violet said with another tingle-inducing smile. “And if you need some proof of my alignment with Yin, have Angie pull up the news report from the famous thirty-three-day Hoga Land Uprising."

  Violet took a seat at the G.S. Station.

  "Angie...” Caffrey's voice implied the order.

  "Yes?” a discombobulated Oafy responded.

  "The news story,” Caffrey snapped through his teeth. Poe 33 stepped beside him.

  "Quark Caffrey,” he whispered, “I am picking up frequency spikes that neither resemble nor match any in my recorded history of Angie's vocal patterns."

  "I'm one step ahead of you, Poe. Just continue to play along,” Caffrey whispered back.

  "Your news story will be on screen in exactly point-five seconds,” Oafy announced.

  "Thank you very much, Angie, my love,” Caffrey said loudly, as the screen before him flickered.

  A series of video clips, still photos and narration explained the story of the bloody Hoga Land Uprising. Caffrey watched in stunned silence as the screen displayed footage of the little Bopple and Violet, dressed in camouflage fatigues, training and discussing strategy. Images of Yin addressing the great rebel armies, practicing hand-to-hand combat and visiting the wounded flashed before the eyes of Caffrey and Poe 33.

  "Yin's exploits equal my own during my Rendavene,” the android bragged.

  The presentation continued with stunning combat footage of Yin and Violet leading the troops on a raid of the fascist headquarters of the dictatorial leaders, who had placed their iron grip on the once-peaceful world. Finally, a great victory parade, complete with tickertape of real silver and gold, marked their victory. The screen went black.

  "Well. I'm retroactively embarrassed at buying Yin all those chew toys,” Caffrey mumbled, his face turning sad again. “I could use a Bezzie."

  "I could use a Bezzie myself,” Violet replied, stretching her arms.

  "A girl after my own heart.” Caffrey smiled. “Angie, two Bezzies. And prepare feast 6-A."

  "6-A. That would be the ‘Last Supper Before Possibly Meeting One's Maker’ feast?” Oafy double-checked.

  "Yes, Angie. With fries. And let's hear something fun. Aerosmith, Van Halen and toss in a little Stones."

  "Very well."

  * * * *

  Caffrey and Violet spent the next hour enjoying a hearty meal. Caffrey savored a potent veggie chili flavored with many exotic peppers and spices, to the detriment of the rest of the crew. Violet enjoyed a pre-formed filet mignon, cooked medium rare and glazed with a sintoberry-and-brandy glaze. Roasted yellow toad potatoes, blueberry beans and umis umis—a sweet-and-sour ice cream popular in the literati coffeehouses on Banymede 4—rounded out the meal.

  As the Bezzie flowed and David Lee Roth sang, they talked. Caffrey told Violet about his days as an exotic meat collector and the proud moment when he purchased The Moby Dick. He explained why Rock music kicked the ass of every other form of music, using many, many examples to prove his point.

  Violet spoke of her childhood and how she was a stowaway on a freighter transporting fruits and insects from the mysterious jungle planet of Dharx, where she spent a year alone in the jungle, learning how to survive on the fauna round her. Caffrey listened with great interest as she regaled him with the events that led to her serendipitous meeting with Yin. Locked in adjacent cells in a dank and moldy dungeon in Fek, (the largest city of Dharx) each learned that the other had been arrested for camping without a license. It was here, in the dark and stinking prison block, that they learned of O.D.O.R's plot from a fellow inmate, incarcerated for the public playing of a small, piccolo-type instrument.

  Two months later, Yin managed to swipe a key from a guard, and the trio escaped into the night and back into the gloomy and strange jungle. They made their way to the tiny village of Larx, where, through some clever talk, bribery and a bit of theft, they hitched a ride aboard the greasy cargo craft of a traveling Yarso ship1. They made it safely to Hi-Ro, an outpost for traders, misfits and general social outcasts, where they met Poe 33, lost, confused and crying in his tall glass of cheenago. They learned of his dilemma and immediately saw the dangerous implications of having the wisest substance in the universe floating around unattended. They learned he was seeking the bloodline of his maker and vowed to help.

  Caffrey told the story of how he had been walking home from a late rehearsal session when the soft cries of Yin grabbed his attention just off Minetta Lane near Sixth Avenue and Bleeker Street. Unaware that the entire situation was a setup, his heart broke at the sight of the poor oil-soaked pooch, caught by the hind foot in a hole left by Con Edison workmen. Giving in to his sense of compassion, and feeling the need to return positive karma to a universe where he had contributed to the deliberate death of many of its more
exotic creatures, he unknowingly played into the hands of the hidden conspiracy and took the dog home.

  Violet fell asleep in her chair, and Caffrey's eyelids were hanging like wet towels. He glanced at Poe 33, who sat staring out at the beautiful ringed star, and looked around the cabin as if to somehow catch a glimpse of Angie, or rather, the joker trying to pass itself off as Angie.

  "Angie,” he called out, “you can shut down and rest a bit. Poe 33 will keep an eye on things for the next eight hours."

  "I'm fine, my divine Master,” Oafy said.

  "Keep an eye on things,” whispered Caffrey to Poe 33.

  "Very well, Quark Caffrey."

  Caffrey turned and opened a panel on the wall, revealing a small sleeping compartment. He took off his shoes and slipped under the covers.

  "Quark Caffrey,” Poe 33 called.

  "Yes, Poe?"

  "It may seem that you have been betrayed by your own bloodline, but in the end the universe will appreciate your sacrifices. Ultimately, you can't do much better than that."

  "Thank you, Poe. Goodnight."

  "Actually, ‘day’ and ‘night’ have little meaning in space, as that distinction only works on the surface of rotating worlds."

  "Goodnight,” Caffrey repeated.

  "Goodnight, Quark Caffrey,” Poe 33 answered without the further use of qualifiers.

  "Goodnight, Angie,” Caffrey said, after a moment of silence.

  "Goodnight, master,” Oafy said. And we'll just see who gets credit for saving, or should I say, changing the universe.

  Caffrey lay under the covers a moment, staring up at the roof of the sleeping compartment. He felt the sudden presence of Violet, crawling up beside him.

  "So, tell me more about this music of yours,” she whispered in her most erotic tone.

  "Angie,” Caffrey called out, “Dark Side of the Moon—'The Great Gig in the Sky.’ Just repeat it a couple of dozen times."

  "Yes, my toy tree bark sand puppet,” the phony Angie replied, without an ounce of jealousy or grasp of the fine art of corny moniker usage.

  They smiled at each other, and as the compartment door closed shut, they engaged in the heated exchange of saliva.

  * * * *

  For the next three hours Poe 33 stared out to space, watching the relative size of Komquista grow larger and the occasional hunk of space junk whiz by. Planet Haptiwoo appeared the size of a yellow pigeon pea basking in the starlight. Finally, after seven hours, the flickering of Spydersloth Blaust's ship became evident.

  "'Morning, Poe,” Caffrey groaned. “Looks like we're close."

  "A mere one-point-two million kilometers,” calculated the android.

  "Good morning, my master. There is a cup of hot Earth coffee awaiting you with one sugar and a dash of cream,” Oafy reported in her best Angie voice.

  "Thank you. Very thoughtful,” Caffrey said, reaching into the food prep unit and retrieving the cup. He was about to sip his coffee when the entire ship lurched forward, spilling the hot drink and sending Violet tumbling out of the sleeping compartment to the floor. They shared a coy smirk, and he helped her to her feet.

  "What the heck was that?” she wondered.

  Caffrey rushed to the control station. He frowned. “Poe? Did you take us out of sissy mode?"

  The android was quick to reply. “No—but it would appear that we have been discovered and are caught in the tug beam of Spydersloth Blaust's ship."

  "Angie?” Caffrey implied the question with a stern tone.

  "Of course not. I cannot execute such an order without the expressed desire of my captain, my sweet rock wooden beach basket."

  Caffrey decided not to pursue the issue. He pressed the com-link button.

  "This is the spacecraft Moby Dick. We are humbly delivering a special gift to the great Spydersloth Blaust. It is not necessary to pull us in against our will as our collective will dictates that we come with open arms and on bended knee.” He barely managed to speak without laughing.

  A voice came back. It was a female voice, singsong and high of pitch. It spoke rapidly, interspersing the foreign words with clicks and fart-like noises.

  "Anyone know what language that is?” Violet asked.

  "It's Byronese. I don't understand it,” Caffrey pronounced, turning to Poe 33. “Poe?"

  "She is explaining that, since we were not invited by Mr. Blaust, she is pulling us directly into the ship's trash vaporizer, where we will be reduced to a powdered form,” the android explained without inflection, adding somewhat irrelevantly, “It's a rather neat system. Large hunks of steel, glass, plastic. Reduced to a mist of powdery dust."

  "They can't do that! We're on bended knee!” Caffrey protested. “Poe! Take the mike and translate for me!"

  Poe 33 stepped up to the microphone as The Moby Dick continued its uncontrolled journey towards the huge ship.

  Caffrey began his diplomatic exhortation. “Listen to me, you bunch of fanatical twits!"

  Poe 33 exchanged glances with Violet then looked at Caffrey silently.

  "Okay, skip that,” Caffrey sighed. “We are delivering a special gift to Mr. Blaust. A gift so special it will change, literally, the fabric of his universe."

  Poe translated. There was no reply.

  Caffrey tried a little more explanation. “It is paramount that Mr. Blaust receive this gift. It will aid in his retrieval of that pesky and elusive wise orange stuff he has been searching for."

  Again, Poe 33 translated the message, speaking with all the subtleties of a real Byronese citizen. He turned to Caffrey and whispered, “I took the liberty of referring to my master as ‘The Great Wise One’ as opposed to ‘pesky and elusive wise orange stuff.’ I hope you don't mind?"

  Caffrey waved Poe off and waited for the response. There was none. Just the strained whine of The Moby Dick's engines.

  "Turn off all the engines, Angie. No sense in risking their integrity. Leave the gravity generator on—I don't want my coffee floating around the cabin.” Caffrey sipped his drink and asked, “How long, at the current tug speed, will it take to get to Spydersloth's ship?"

  "We will arrive on the front porch of the Crystal Guise, calculating the acceleration, in exactly ten hours and ten seconds,” Oafy replied promptly.

  Out the window, the stars shimmied in rainbow sparkles beyond the invisible tractor beam, as if seen through a prism. Oafelia shut down the engines. A perfect silence filled the cabin, but for the soft, repeating sound of dripping liquid. Violet nudged Caffrey.

  "Gravity, Quark,” she commented flatly as Caffrey discovered the tilt to his cup. He casually straightened it and stepped back out of the little puddle surrounding his slippered feet, pondering his options.

  "We don't have enough firepower to fight ship-to-ship. We don't have the engine power to out-tug the tug beam or pop a wormhole."

  "What about the escape pod?” Oafy reminded Caffrey, “We could squeeze three aboard. My ethereal form requires minute physical space. We could eject moments before we are vaporized."

  "Interesting idea, Angie. Thank you,” Caffrey forced a smile. He casually strolled over to the control bank. “Would you do a search through my entire music library? I am looking for the phrase ‘Boogie down, baby.’ Please sort all hits by band, date of recording and song length."

  "Is that a priority, considering the circumstances?” Oafy queried.

  "Yes, my love. It's a psychological warfare idea I'm pondering. Please. Do as I ask,” Caffrey requested.

  He slipped open a red panel on the control deck and turned a key. Many of the lights on the board went dark.

  "What are you doing, Caf...” Oafy quailed as her voice faded.

  Caffrey chuckled.

  Violet was intrigued. “What was that about?"

  "That will keep this imposter busy,” he smirked.

  "What do you mean?” Poe 33 was equally fascinated.

  "You can search my music collection until the cows come home and rebuild Rome. You will never find the p
hrase ‘Boogie down, baby.’”

  "You've lost me.” Violet was still confused.

  "Something replaced Angie as my on-board assistant. I'm not sure when or where it happened. I would assume as we were leaving Regal 9. Some alien sentient intelligence boarded and squeezed her way into The Moby Dick's computer. I shut it in—whatever it is, it's trapped in a loop. We'll have to do with just the basic computer support until we properly dispose of the wretch. I'm certain she took The Moby Dick out of sissymode."

  "Angie must have never made it out of the magnetic trap of the castle's garbage compactor,” Poe 33 surmised with a certain sadness.

  Violet was eager for duties. “So, Captain. What will we do for the next ten hours?"

  Caffrey eyed the purple-eyed girl thoughtfully for a moment, as her chest heaved with enthusiasm. Then he shook his head clear of diversions. “We'll keep trying to contact the Crystal Guise."

  He resumed his seat at the communication center.

  "And if they don't respond?"

  "I can only play one chord at a time, Violet.” Caffrey keyed the microphone. “This is The Moby Dick. I repeat. This is The Moby Dick. We have a very special gift for the great and mighty Spydersloth Blaust. If you destroy us you will destroy the gift, and I have a nasty feeling he will not forgive the boob responsible. I predict immediate dismissal with loss of all health and old age benefits!"

  There was no response.

  * * * *

  Her view was blocked by the upper area of the communication center counter, but she was alive, alert and very much free. Oafelia, who had adeptly slipped from The Moby Dick's computer into the on-board memory bank of Caffrey's S-77, waited silently. Cramped but more determined than ever, she waited. Waited for her moment for vengeance.

  * * * *

  Time drifted by. Caffrey, Violet and Poe tried in vain to contact Spydersloth Blaust's ship. Outside The Moby Dick, the Crystal Guise was growing in detail and relative size as well as the peculiar object that it dragged behind—a small moon, covered in mirrored tiles.