On a Summer Night

by Gabriel D. Vidrine

  “Thank you,” I said and meant it. He’d never done anything to warrant me thinking he would…but the fear was always there. It might be unfair to think it of him, but I still had to protect myself.

  “I do want to tell my parents.” He sank onto the cabin floor and ran a finger over the rough wood. “I just don’t know how.”

  I sat next to him, but not close enough to touch. I didn’t want that temptation. “Do you think they’ll do something bad?”

  “Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know. Really? I don’t know. I think maybe it’ll depend on how I do it. That’s kind of why I thought I’d be able to hide it, you know, until I went away for school or something.”

  “That’s a long time.” I thought about how long I was going to have to wait to start testosterone and get top surgery. It felt like an eternity.

  “I know. And I don’t think I can do it anymore. I don’t want to date girls, even to stay in the closet. I just don’t think I can fake it. There’s so much pressure to date, though.”

  “I know what you mean.” It had become impossible to keep my being trans to myself any longer than I had. I might have exploded had I stayed a girl in everyone else’s eyes.

  “I’m sure you do. So…what did you do when you told your parents you’re trans?”

  I smiled at the memory. “I just told them. Just…one night at dinner I blurted it out. Surprised them both, but it was good to get it off my chest. I told them I needed to dress like a boy, act like a boy, be treated like a boy, be a boy, or I didn’t know how long I could be alive.”

  “Wow, that’s…scary.”

  “Well, it was true. I was so miserable I couldn’t stand it. I hated dressing like a girl, being treated like a girl. It just wasn’t me. I needed them to understand that.”

  He stared at the floor for a minute, and we fell into an uncomfortable silence. Then, “I’m sorry I embarrassed you.”

  “No, it’s okay.” I don’t know why I did it, but I reached out and grabbed his arm, giving it a squeeze. He looked at me in surprise and then smiled shyly at me. His eyes shone in the dim light. “I’m glad we got to talk. It’s made me feel a lot better. Has it helped you?”

  He licked his lips. “Yeah, it has.”

  “Good.”

  “I still wish you’d go to the dance with me.”

  I took my hand away. “I know. I’m not ready for dating much yet, okay?”

  “I think I understand. You’re not ready to tell your parents you’re bi, either, right?”

  He had me there. “Yeah, I think so. Look, I know I haven’t been nice about it. It’s just, really, there’s only a little more than a day left…”

  There was a strong knock on the door, and then it slammed violently open. It rattled in the hinges, bounced off the wall, and shuddered to a halt, still open. We both jumped, spinning to see who had barged in. It was Wade, eyeing us.

  “Just checking nothing funny was going on in here,” he said, his voice booming in the room.

  Gavin and I shared a look and then laughed.

  “No,” I said, “nothing funny at all.”

  “That’s good.” Wade looked around again, as though searching for evidence we’d been doing something we shouldn’t have. “You two have been alone long enough. Come on, come out and join everyone else.”

  Gavin and I got up and left the cabin. I wanted to talk to him more, tell him my reasoning behind why I didn’t want to get involved. To ask him about Ryan and why they’d stayed friends for so long. But it all seemed so stupid now. Flimsy excuses. I’d been hiding behind hypocrisy, not realizing the reason I hadn’t wanted to date him was because I was afraid of what my parents would think, too. I hadn’t even acknowledged it to myself, hiding behind Gavin’s own closeted status and using that as an excuse.

  Wade led us all back to Lincoln. Screams and laughter boiled out of the lodge, and I wondered what was going on. We went in and found Lars and a bunch of the other counselors dressed in the most ridiculous costumes, rolling all over the floor. Behind them, a banner hung from the rafters, which read: “Gross, Grosser, and GROSSEST!”

  They were finishing up whatever it was. I asked a kid sitting nearby what was going on, and she said, “A game show!” in between peals of laughter.

  Lars had put some sort of makeup on so he looked like he’d half peeled his skin off, and he was rolling around in what I could only imagine was watered-down oats and peanut butter. It looked worse than that. He also wore a pink tutu, a red bonnet, and a sleeveless T-shirt stained with…something.

  He stood up, his arms up over his head, and everyone cheered. Stuck in his armpit hair was more of the oat and peanut butter mixture. It definitely was disgusting. I joined in the cheering, but I barely knew what was going on.

  The other counselors lined up, and Angela, who looked a little green even under her dark skin, said, “Okay, everyone, time to vote! Who was the most disgusting?”

  Lars clearly won that one. He was still spitting up oats and peanut butter, and some of it even came out of his nose right as everyone was clapping to vote for him. There were groans, and the cheering increased.

  I hadn’t noticed them before, but two campers who had been standing behind Lars ran up and hugged him as Angela pronounced him the winner. They were dressed in identical tutus and bonnets. Angela said, “And his two helpers, Mia and Ibrahim, have also won! Congratulations, everyone. You two are exempt from cabin cleaning duties for the last day!”

  It wasn’t much of a prize, but it was something.

  I hadn’t noticed it, but Gavin’s arm was resting on my leg. It seemed casual, like I just happened to be there when he leaned over and needed support for his arm. But he was holding himself stiffly, as though he couldn’t believe I was letting him touch me.

  He detected me finally noticing it, but he didn’t move, only stayed carefully still. I was shocked I hadn’t noticed it before then. In my defense, I’d been entranced by Lars rolling around in fake vomit.

  And now that I knew his arm was there, I realized I kind of liked it.

  But I couldn’t do this. I stood up, and he yanked his arm back. He didn’t look at me, playing it off as though he was just politely letting me up.

  I hurried to the showers, trying not to think. At least Ryan wasn’t there to bug me, and it made me happier that the last couple of days would be bully-free for both Gavin and me.

  The whole time I was under the showerhead, I could still feel the pressure of Gavin’s arm on my leg.

  So much had happened that day I thought I’d have a hard time falling asleep. But I was so tired I drifted off easily. I dreamed of Gavin in ways that were embarrassing to remember.

  Chapter Nine

  THE NEXT MORNING at breakfast, Ella wasn’t speaking to me.

  “Come on, Ella,” I pleaded. “We made up, but I’m just not going to date him, okay?”

  But she huffed and didn’t say anything. Alex shrugged and went back to eating pancakes.

  “Ella, come on, this is stupid.”

  She turned a withering glare on me.

  “Don’t know why you’re so set on this.” I shoveled pancake into my mouth.

  By the end of breakfast, she had relaxed, though I could see tears in her eyes. “Why are you so interested in getting us together?” I asked her.

  She turned a watery smile on me. “I just want you to be happy. And I thought you two looked so cute together.”

  “Is that it?”

  “I just felt so bad for him. He’s never dated.”

  I hadn’t really, either, not for real. “Same.”

  “I know. That’s why it would be so perfect for you two.”

  “Well, it’s a nice thought, but it’s not going to happen.”

  Alex chimed in, “You did look cute together. I was super jealous.”

  We all chuckled, even me, and I was glad Alex had relaxed enough to be friends with us. I still felt bad for not even noticing his crush. I knew friendship was no substitute, but I t
ook him at his word. He just wanted to be friends now.

  Everyone was so excited about the dance that night no one could concentrate on anything else. Apparently the counselors knew this, and all the activities for the morning were physical ones requiring lots of running. Lunch came and went, and all of a sudden, it was time for dinner and getting ready for the dance.

  Ella had already agreed, of course, to be my “date.”

  I didn’t really have much for the dance in terms of nice clothes, so I borrowed a shirt from Gavin and wore my nice jeans again.

  The shirt smelled like Gavin, even though it was clean. He smelled of soap and fresh air, and it made me happy when I pulled it over my head.

  The counselors had gone all out for the dance, which would be at the pavilion. But that wasn’t the only thing they had decorated. White Christmas lights had been strung on the trees all along the road as far as the cords could reach. Where the lights ended, they’d started a line of those little flickering electric votive “candles.” Everything twinkled brightly in the darkness, like fairies among the trees.

  Ella met me just at the start of the votives, wearing a blue sundress that made her look even paler than usual. Her honey-colored hair was down, curling in waves around her face and shoulders. I gave her a peck on the cheek, which caused her to blush. “You’re the only one who can do that,” she admitted, and I wasn’t sure if she meant making her blush or the kiss. It didn’t matter.

  “You look lovely,” I told her, because she needed to hear it.

  We held hands, swinging them back and forth, as we walked together down the mountain. She gasped at the pretty lights, excited over the romantic setting even though she didn’t get much from it. She was excited for everyone else.

  Alex had demurred when we asked if he wanted to come with us as friends, but we met up with him halfway down the mountain. He was holding hands with a boy I didn’t know well, but I recognized him as the one Alex had invited to the pizza party. I’d been so miserable I hadn’t noticed him. I slapped Alex on the shoulder in congratulations, and the other boy, Chris, looked shy but pleased.

  It had all worked out well, I thought.

  The pavilion was a dazzling display of lights. Someone had strung up a disco ball from the high rafters, and it threw sparkles all over the floor and out into the night. A large ancient stereo system blasted popular music that a few campers were already awkwardly dancing to. More Christmas lights were strung up high on each of the support posts, topped with silver bows and white flowers.

  A few couples had already given up on dancing and sat on the grass instead, intent on one another. Counselors kept an eye out, but didn’t disturb anyone. There was a rule against making out, but it looked as though it was being relaxed for tonight, at least a little.

  Ella and I danced for a few songs, staying close to Alex and Chris. Alex was also an amazingly skilled dancer, and he showed Chris how to do some of the popular moves. We followed along, clumsily, laughing at our poor skills until we were all sweating and tired.

  I was parched after that, so I went to get Ella and me some punch. Gavin was hovering nearby, and I smiled and nodded at him. He was alone, looking rather lost.

  “Hey,” I called to him. “Come hang with us.”

  He poured himself some punch too and followed me back to where Ella, Alex, and Chris had collapsed onto the grass. Nick and Lily, with their dates, also joined us. I wasn’t at all surprised that Lily was clutching another girl’s hand, but Nick had asked a pretty girl to be his date. I didn’t know either of them.

  I sank down next to Ella, and we made room for Gavin so we were all in a big circle. Ella was eyeing me significantly, but I decided to ignore her.

  “Having fun?” she asked Gavin as he sipped his punch.

  Bobbling his head, he said, “I guess so. Kind of lonely.” He didn’t see the look I threw him at the barb, but turned toward her. “Ella, would you like to dance? You look beautiful.”

  She beamed at him, checked with me to see if it was okay, and then hurried off with him. I watched them dancing together, and Gavin was a perfect gentleman with her. She laughed at something he said, throwing her head back. I wondered if she knew how pretty she was, and I hoped she did. I told her all the time, but I wasn’t sure she believed me.

  Alex’s date and I chatted a bit. He seemed nice enough, and Alex was fawning over him, so that worked out well. Apparently, they lived in the same city, so they’d be able to continue their relationship after camp.

  A tiny band of jealousy squeezed my heart.

  After a couple of songs, Gavin and Ella stumbled back to our circle, breathless. They’d just completed a Lindy Hop piece, having discovered that both of them knew enough to muddle through a song.

  Gavin lay back on the grass, his arms and legs spread wide as he panted. His white shirt clung to him, and I couldn’t help but notice his flat chest rising and falling.

  A part of me wanted to touch him there, open his shirt and run my fingers down his chest. I bit my hand to keep from reaching out. Ella noticed and winked at me, and I knew exactly what she was trying to do.

  It was, unfortunately, working.

  I couldn’t believe my own emotions were betraying me like this. But I couldn’t stop staring at Gavin.

  I shot to my feet and lurched off to get more punch, needing to get away. I couldn’t do this. Not now. Not with only one night left. I might never see him again.

  But what if he’s worth it? What if all of this is worth it?

  I stood by the punch bowl, my back turned to the dancers, and stared into my drink. The music blared, but all I could hear was the roaring in my ears. I was so hot, melting in the summer heat in my binder. My heart was pounding in my chest, and the heat of the blood in my face was as if I’d just opened an oven and stuck my head inside.

  Why couldn’t I just enjoy the rest of the night with Ella, dancing and having fun with friends? It was exactly what I’d wanted all along.

  I was so absorbed in my thoughts I jumped when a hand snaked around my shoulder. I turned to see Gavin so close, his face only inches from mine. He was smiling gently. “Are you okay?” The music was loud, but I could hear him just fine. All my senses seemed to be straining toward him. His arm was warm on my shoulders.

  “Y-yeah, I’m fine.”

  “Do you want to dance?”

  I tried to say, “We shouldn’t.” But it came out, “Sure.”

  He took my hand and led me onto the dance floor. I think my hand started to sweat, but he didn’t seem to care. He pulled me close, chest to chest. My first thought was how much I wished I wasn’t wearing a binder, so I could feel what we were doing. I noticed he was only a little taller than me, and we could almost see eye to eye. I kind of liked that, though I usually didn’t like being so short. It felt really intimate, being so close.

  We swayed together to the music, gazing into one another’s eyes. His were so blue, with flecks of white and gray. I memorized every freckle on his face, adoring every one of them. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, but he must have liked what he saw.

  He leaned in close, his hair tickling my face. “Do you want to kiss me?” he whispered. I shuddered, both from what he had asked and because of his breath on my skin.

  “I…I…” was all I could say.

  He pulled away and looked at me, meeting my eyes again. I did want to kiss him, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to do that here, now.

  “Do you? I won’t unless you say yes.” His eyes searched my face, flicking here and there. We’d stopped dancing, but I’d barely noticed.

  “I, uh, yes.”

  “Yes?”

  “Yes.”

  His lips twitched in a half smile, and then he leaned in close. He smelled so good.

  Our lips met, and I closed my eyes. His lips were soft and warm, and I could taste the punch on them. It was a small kiss, and he pulled away to look at me again.

  “Yes?” he asked.

  “Yes,” I said
, breathless. But I said it. I didn’t want to stop.

  We came together, brushing our lips at first, and then he wrapped his arms all the way around me and pulled me into a tight embrace. Gavin pressed his mouth to mine, crushing our lips together. His tongue flicked across mine, and though I’d never kissed someone like that before, I opened my mouth and let him in.

  His tongue was soft, and we explored each other, hungry and dying of hunger. His hands were on my face, lifting my chin. I slid mine down to his butt and squeezed. He laughed against my lips, pulling away as his face reddened.

  “Too much?” I asked.

  “No, no, it’s okay. Just…I’ve never done this before…” His breath was shaking.

  “Me neither.” Not with another boy, not really with anyone. I liked it a lot.

  I watched the fetching blush fade from his face as we stood there on the dance floor, awkwardly not touching now. It almost seemed anticlimactic to go back to dancing. But I picked up his hands and put them back on my waist anyway. I wanted him to touch me.

  “So what does this mean?” he asked.

  “I don’t know,” I answered. “What do you want it to mean?”

  He moved his arms up to my shoulders and leaned his head in so we touched foreheads. His eyes were closed. “I want this to mean something.” The words were almost lost in the music. We were so close, though, that I heard him. He sounded lost, alone, and I wanted to never hear him sound like that again.

  I had fallen hard for Gavin, and it was too late. There was no going back now. “Me, too”

  He lifted his head and looked at me, his brow furrowed. When he saw I meant it, he kissed me again, drawing me in as close as we could get. I wanted to meld with him, sink into his flesh to get even closer to him. My chest was in the way, even through the binder, damn it.

  We separated again, and he put his forehead back on mine. “I can’t believe we’re doing this. It’s…wonderful.” Was that a tear in his eye?

  “Oh, Gavin, are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m more than okay. I…just never thought I’d be with someone like you. It’s great. I…I can’t keep this from my parents.” He sniffled a little.