On a Summer Night

by Gabriel D. Vidrine

  “Let’s go sit and talk.”

  He agreed, and we went hand in hand to a new patch of grass. I didn’t want to look at Ella, because I knew the look of triumph that would be plastered on her face.

  We sat, and Gavin laid his head in my lap so he could look up at me. I brushed the hair out of his face, and he closed his eyes, obviously enjoying the touch. My fingers traced the line of his brows, as red as his hair, and he sighed in happiness. His skin and hair were so soft and downy, like bird feathers.

  “I worry about what my parents will say,” he said. “I worry that they’ll misgender you. Worry they’ll think I’m straight, but you’re weird. I want them to know exactly who I am, and who you are.”

  “I can handle the misgendering,” I said. “I’ll correct them. My parents will probably be here, too.”

  The plan was to ride back with Ella again, but after everything that had happened, I was pretty sure my parents would be coming. Even if they didn’t, Ella’s parents would set Gavin’s straight.

  “That would be great,” he said. “But I don’t want to put you through that, and I don’t want us to hide. I’m ready to come out; I just don’t know how to do it.”

  “I know.” I understood completely. It was a hard thing to do, especially if he was going to be trapped in a car with them for hours. What awful things could they say to him during that time?

  He reached up and took my hand, which was still touching his face. His skin was so soft. “Do you want to be my boyfriend?” he asked.

  I knew what I should say. I shouldn’t get too involved. What if his parents were awful to me? What if we could never see each other again? What would happen to him if I did become his boyfriend? There were so many ways this could end badly. It was already starting out badly, at the end of two weeks of camp. This was the last night. While we could always exchange our information and keep in contact through social media and our phones, it would be a long-distance relationship.

  I’d barely had any relationships at all. Did I want to put the effort into keeping up a long distance one? Would my parents be willing to help me out and drive us to meet one another sometimes? Wouldn’t my time be better spent on relationships with boys (or girls) near me, in my own state?

  Gavin sat up. I’d hesitated too long. “I understand,” he said, and his tone was dead. He started to stand up, but I stopped him, taking his hand before he could go too far.

  “No, don’t go. I…I’m just not sure. I do want to be your boyfriend, I do. But…how will we make it work? Have you ever done a long-distance relationship?”

  “No,” he admitted. “I haven’t done any sort of relationship. But I’d be willing to try. For you.”

  “For me?”

  His look was anguished. “Yes, for you.”

  I swallowed hard. Could I do this? Did I want to do this?

  Should I give in? It meant a lot of changes for me. I’d have to tell my parents I was bi, though that was minor I supposed, compared to everything else.

  He sat back down, his eyes once more searching my face for my answer. I reached out and touched his lips. What if I couldn’t ever touch him again? See him again? What if his parents forbade us?

  The words stuck in my throat. I couldn’t say them, couldn’t crush him, but I couldn’t say yes, either. I wanted to do both, in equal measures. I’d fallen hard and fast and didn’t have the time to sort out my emotions. This wasn’t the place to do this, with him so close.

  I felt horrible, crushed inside, like I had killed something inside me. The intensity of the feeling frightened me, and it choked off any words that I could say. There were so many things I wanted to tell Gavin, but they all jammed together, blocking the flow and preventing anything from getting out.

  “I understand.” He pulled away and stood once more, his eyes sad. But he held out his hand to me and helped me up. “Dance with me again anyway?”

  “Yes,” I said. That I could do.

  The song was a fast one, but that didn’t matter. He put aside his sadness and showed me a few steps to fit the song. I tried, stumbling over my feet and stepping on his a few times. It lightened the mood, and soon we were laughing again. My heart lifted to see him so happy.

  That song ended, and a slow one began. The dance floor, which had previously been mostly empty, filled again. Couples danced all around us. Gavin drew me closer to him. He still smelled good, even though both of us were sweating. I wanted to bury my face in his hair. Instead, I ran my fingers through it, and he closed his eyes in pleasure.

  “Don’t do this to me,” he whispered against my lips. “Please, please tell me you will say yes. Please say yes.”

  I curled up close to him, resting my head on his chest. I had to hunch a little bit, but I liked being there. Even through the music, I could hear and feel his heart beating.

  I couldn’t say no.

  I couldn’t say yes.

  The feelings warred within me, tearing me apart. But finally, I could stay silent no longer.

  I looked up at him, into those blue eyes, and said, “Yes. Yes, I’ll be your boyfriend.” It felt reckless, throwing my fate into the wind. It didn’t matter that this might end horribly. I needed to try it.

  The joy on his face was worth it. He crushed me in a hug, picking me up and swinging me around. A laugh burst from me, and we nearly tumbled over. He was strong, but not that much bigger than me. We caught our balance on each other, and then we were kissing again.

  Those kisses were hard and desperate, but joyful, too, and I let them happen. I wanted us both to be happy, and while I thought this was going to be hard, it was also going to be worth it.

  We finished the dance and then decided we needed some food.

  Hand in hand, we wandered over to the snack table and got more punch and a few things to munch on. “Do you want to go back to your friends?” Gavin asked.

  “Yeah, let’s tell them.”

  He initially looked as though he didn’t really want to go, but his face brightened at the suggestion.

  “I’m done hiding,” I told him.

  “Me, too.”

  We made our way to the others, who were still sprawled in the grass. Ella was sweating, but her face was radiant. Even though she didn’t say anything to us, her whole body practically vibrated with joy as we joined them.

  We sat with our knees touching. Alex was grinning at us. His date was off getting more food for them as well.

  I wasn’t sure if we should say anything, or make it casual. But I didn’t want to hurt Gavin, so, I said, “Hey Ella, meet my new boyfriend.”

  It was a good thing I’d set down my punch, because Ella launched herself at me and squished me in a hug, almost bowling me completely over. I caught myself from falling onto my back, but just barely. She was shaking me, laughing and crying at the same time.

  “You silly boy! I’m so happy for you, though! Why did it take you so long? You’re hopeless!”

  She finally let me go after alternating between gushing and scolding for a few minutes. I had to tell her she was pressing too hard on my already-taxed ribs. With a gasp, she let me go, nearly pushing me away. Gavin had watched, amused, until she threw herself at him, too.

  “See? I told you,” she said. “He’s just a little dense sometimes.”

  “Hey,” I protested, but she was right. Sometimes I was pretty dense. I thought too much and felt too little, and didn’t notice those around me until they smacked me upside the head, metaphorically speaking.

  Our eyes met, and Gavin winked at me over Ella’s sobbing shoulder.

  She finally wiped her eyes and got up only to plop down next to me. “I’m so happy for you two.”

  Gavin took my hand and squeezed it. “Me, too.”

  We danced a couple more times, but before the night was over, Ella drew me aside to walk along the edge of the field.

  “I’m so glad you and Gavin are going to give it a try.” She held onto my arm as we matched pace with each other.


  “Me, too,” I said. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”

  She beamed at me and then poked me hard in the ribs. “You’re so hopeless sometimes.”

  We were quiet for a ways, and then she said what had been bothering her the whole time. She’d been trying to hide it, but I knew her too well. I hadn’t wanted to say anything to ruin the night. Her bringing it up on her own was better.

  “I just wanted to say thanks, for supporting me, too.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “About me being ace.” She looked up at me, her eyes serious and sparkling in the dim light from the pavilion. “It means a lot.”

  “I’m not perfect, you know that, but I try.” I didn’t tell her about all those times I wished she’d just get a boyfriend and leave me alone. It would hurt her, but she should still know that some people thought it.

  “I know,” she said. “I can see it on your face. You want me to be normal.”

  “You are normal,” I said. “Just different.”

  “Not everyone thinks so.”

  “Ella—”

  “No, Casey, it’s okay. I think I’m finally okay with it. I know you’ve been pretty preoccupied with everything that’s happened, but I think I finally figured it all out.”

  “I’m sorry I’m so self-absorbed.”

  She chuckled softly. “It’s okay. But, yeah. I’m ace, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

  She hadn’t framed it as a question, but I could hear it in her words.

  “No, Ella, there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re just you. You meddle in my love life but you need none of your own. That’s okay.”

  She pinched me. “I don’t meddle.”

  “Sure.”

  She pinched me again, harder, and I yelled, “Ow!”

  “You deserve it,” she said.

  Maybe I did.

  “I’m kind of glad Ryan was here,” she continued.

  “What, why?”

  “Because it all brought you and Gavin together. And it made me see how right I was in not giving in to dating him or anyone else.”

  “We might have gotten there without him. We don’t need people like Ryan around to help us understand ourselves.”

  “Maybe not. Or maybe so,” she said. “But maybe we need the darkness to see the light.”

  “I guess. But it sure would be nice if the dark wasn’t quite so…dark…all the time.”

  “You’re right.”

  We’d made the circuit around the field and come back to the pavilion and our friends. She squeezed my arm and ran off to dance again by herself, just moving to the joy of the music. I rejoined Gavin, who’d been waiting for me.

  Our magical night was starting to wind down. Gavin and I got up for one last dance when it was called, and held each other close. I was glad we got to do it, and that no one cared two boys were kissing and dancing together. Ella had been right after all, about many things.

  I looked out over Gavin’s shoulder to see multiple couples taking their last chance at dancing together. There was Alex and Chris, and Lily and her partner (girlfriend?). Ella was dancing still, but now with Nick, whose date seemed to have wandered off. There were lots of couples, of every variety, and that made me happy. It was the way it should be, and I was frankly stunned at the acceptance. Ella had been right in that, too: I loved it here.

  Finally, Lars switched the music off, and we were all instructed to go back to the cabins. Ella, Gavin, and I held hands, with me in the middle, all the way back up the mountain. My heart was full, and I barely noticed the usual trudge up the steep incline. I wasn’t entirely certain my feet were touching the ground, instead of floating above it on pure happiness.

  We hugged Ella goodnight and continued into our cabin, thrilled we could kiss each other goodnight, even though we couldn’t take it any further than that. The temptation was there, but Wade was keeping too close a watch on us. I wasn’t sure I was ready for that anyway.

  I undressed, a little shy because I wasn’t sure I was ready for Gavin to see all of me now, like this. He was a gentleman, though, and didn’t watch me. Alex and Nick were there anyway, so nothing could have happened, but I wanted our first official time of seeing one another naked to be special. Not just undressing to go to bed. If we ever got that far. I hoped we would, but we were going to have to take this one step at a time.

  We shared a sweet kiss, holding hands as long as we could, until Wade looked like he was going to say something to us.

  That night’s insomnia was caused by a good thing. I lay there, staring out the window into the warm night, remembering the whole evening.

  I still couldn’t believe it, and there was a small part of me that was unhappy about how things had turned out. What was I doing to myself?

  But the rest of me glowed with the warmth of my first boyfriend. All of the reservations I’d had about Gavin were gone. He wanted to tell his parents about me, but he worried for me about being misgendered. While most would agree that his wanting to tell his parents about me was the right thing to do, I still appreciated him being worried on my behalf.

  I don’t know why it took me so long to believe him about the whole Ryan mess. He’d been as much a victim as me, and I felt bad for him that he’d had to tolerate Ryan’s abuse for so long. It was only because he hadn’t had anyone else. But now, he had me, and that was a good thing.

  IT WAS A sad morning the next day. I could feel the dejection in the air as we packed our belongings back into our trunks. There wasn’t a lot of scrambling, though, since we’d kept everything so clean all the time.

  We also had to tidy up the cabin, sweeping everywhere, including under the beds now that the trunks were no longer there. Though Wade told Alex and me we were exempt due to our talent show win, we still chipped in. It was a chance to work with Gavin, as I held the pan while he swept the dirt into it.

  All morning, we shared light touches as we got ready. Any time we walked past each other, we’d brush shoulders or hands, sharing a smile or a look or a shy glance. It was wonderful, but I could feel the tension building between us. We wouldn’t be able to touch like this for much longer, and we both knew it. It was killing me inside, knowing it was the only day we had together.

  We had one last meal at the dining hall, and Wade hustled us out of the cabin to line up for it. That time, they didn’t care how we mingled, and Ella, Alex, Gavin, and I walked together.

  “So where’s Chris?” Ella asked, glancing around.

  Alex shrugged. “It was just the one date. We’ll see how it goes later on.”

  She looked disappointed for him, but he didn’t seem to mind.

  “I’m happy with taking it slow,” he reassured her.

  Gavin and I held hands, swinging them between us, and sat together, our legs touching, as we ate our last meal together.

  It was a good meal—waffles again with tons of butter and syrup, watermelon, strawberries, and as much bug juice as we could drink.

  At the end, Wade stood and made an announcement. “Thank you everyone for coming to camp this year. We had some ups and downs, but I think this was definitely a good session!” There was polite clapping and some cheering. “We hope to see you again next year!”

  “Wait…what?” Ella asked. This was supposed to be the last year for people our age.

  “Oh, yes! Good news, everyone. We are expanding our program to include high school students,” Wade announced after the mutters had subsided. “You are all welcome back next year for another two weeks!”

  Gavin squeezed my leg. “We should come!”

  Right there, we kissed again, not caring who saw (we got a few hoots), and when we pulled apart, I said, “We will.” I hoped we’d see each other before then—a whole year was a long, long time—but at least this was once place we could return to and be together.

  WE WAITED FOR our parents on the field and the pavilion. Gavin and I tried to sneak away for a make-out session, but we couldn’t get far. Wade was maki
ng the rounds, checking up on all his charges until their parents came to collect them. He caught us and chased us out of the woods with some stern words and a threat to tell our parents. We reluctantly stayed in sight after that.

  I could tell Gavin was nervous, though. He started to shake when he pointed out his parents’ car. “There they are.” He rubbed my knuckles with one hand while nearly crushing it in the other. “Are you ready?”

  “Yes,” I said. “Are you?”

  “Honestly? No. But I’m going to do it anyway.”

  I had dressed in my most obviously boyish clothes, wishing I could have a quick haircut since mine had gotten a little shaggy. My binder was one of the newer ones I’d brought, crushing my chest completely flat. Hopefully, it would be enough for his parents to read me as a boy, and not just a boyish girl. It was important to Gavin. He wanted them to know I was a boy.

  He squeezed my hand twice and then set off in his parents’ direction, with me in tow.

  “Do you want me to come later?” I asked as we walked.

  “No. They’re going to see me now.”

  “Okay.” I admired him a little for the bravery. So many people told gay and trans people we were brave for coming out, and we were. But it was the kind of bravery that shouldn’t deserve praise. We shouldn’t need to be brave to tell our families our true selves. We shouldn’t need to face our families with fear in our hearts. There should be no shame, no fear of rejection, for living our truth.

  But there was.

  His parents were older than mine, or at least his mother had let her hair go all the way to a shocking white. She had a pinched mouth that made her look even older. His dad, though, was younger-looking, but was a big man with a loud voice. I could hear him practically shouting at his wife as we neared.

  “Ah, Gavin!” he boomed, holding his arms out for a hug from his son.

  But Gavin stopped a few steps away, his body braced as though he was expecting a punch. Maybe he was, and that made me both sad and angry.

  “Mom,” he said, nodding to her. “Dad. I have someone I want you to meet.”