Blog It Out, Bitch

by Perez, Nina

  "Shut it off!"

  I guess after three minutes it expects you to have a nice steady flow of milk going or something, but I don't have milk yet. Just a few drops of clear liquid and just seeing that made me nauseas. We decide that's enough for now and agree to try again between 3-4pm, which is right about now as I type this.

  Donny goes upstairs to pay some bills and Kali is on the floor next to the sofa playing on my laptop when I find myself drifting off to sleep. I didn't even know I was sleeping until a loud noise in my head woke me up. After about two seconds I realize what the sound was.

  "Did I just snort?" I ask Kali.

  She's laughing so hard she can barely nod and answer, "Yes."

  That's another thing I won't miss about being pregnant. Snoring. I used to snore something awful before I got my tonsils taken out a few years ago, but I've been snore-free since then. Until I got pregnant. Now, I'm sawing wood again.

  I've had three contractions since doing the breast pump. Hopefully there will be more as we continue to pump every few hours. Between the contractions and Dr. G.'s forearm, I'm an achy mess. But I'm hopeful.

  A completely soft cervix and two centimeters must mean I'll be going in soon, right? RIGHT? (Not to mention the fact that it seems I am, in fact, having small gushes of warm fluid that's not urine.) Cross your fingers!

  Thank You

  July 31, 2008

  I know I'm all cranky and pissy lately. I'm just really, really, miserable.

  Donny has to help me stand up every time I need to go to the bathroom, which is like every ten minutes. He sleeps bunched up on the love seat because the little bit of sleep I'm able to get is on the couch. During the night I don't have the heart to wake him for my bathroom trips so I end up rolling, yes literally ROLLING, myself off the couch. When I stand up I immediately have pain in my lower back and pelvis. I walk like an old woman. It's not even walking. It's not even waddling. It's like a rumble.

  Things have to be placed in special places around the house to accommodate me. Like the toilet tissue has to remain on the back of the toilet tank because I can no longer lean forward to get some off the dispenser on the wall.

  I use six pillows at night and basically sleep sitting up. I have contractions, but nothing that ever causes a pattern to signal true labor. I am so depressed that I cry almost every day, several times a day. My latest came about an hour ago when I heard a little boy crying for his mother on some TV show and she was pretty much ignoring him. Because I'm so unhappy and depressed it feels like I'll never be happy again. I woke Donny up and asked him to help me. Help me by making sure that when Jack gets here I'm a good mother, that I take care of him, and that this misery will go away so I can enjoy him and be a good mother to him. He promised me that I had nothing to worry about and held me as I cried and cried.

  I really don't know how much more of this I can take. Physically, I'm done. Mentally, I'm a mess.

  So, if I don't respond to comments or snap at you when you're just trying to be helpful, I'm sorry. I don't really mean it. Oh, except for those women who don't have children yet feel the need to make comments on my breastfeeding choices. "You're going to do it for how long? He's going to bite your nipples off."

  Never in the history of titties has a woman lost a nipple to a teething, nursing child. If you've never been a Mom and breastfed a child, I suggest you have a nice, tall, frothy glass of shut the fuck up.

  Ok, now that that's out of my system, where was I? Oh yeah... thank you for all your kind words and comments on my profile page. It's nice to know that so many people are thinking of us and praying for a quick, safe, healthy delivery. I sometimes forget that when I'm sitting here feeling like this baby will never come and I'm in so much pain that I cry, and it feels like no one understands or cares.

  So, for all of you who have said that something I've written has gotten you through the day or made you laugh, just know that right about now you are returning the favor. Writing this down has kept me (somewhat) sane.

  The Big Day

  August 3-4, 2008

  4:56am - I'm up an hour early. I can feel Jack moving around. I just rub my belly and tell him, "Soon, baby. Soon." There's a really sad movie on Showtime called The Dead Girl.

  At 6am I'll do my hair, get dressed, and put on some makeup. Donny and I will make sure we have everything we need. Kali's bag for overnights with my parents has been packed and ready to go for weeks. We have to remember to put her toothbrush, toothpaste, and SmartRinse in there. Her iPod and GameBoy Advance have been charging all weekend. She'll be bringing those along in case she gets bored in the hospital.

  We've packed the camcorder, the digital camera, the USB plugs for both, the chargers for both, and the tripod. Donny bought a puzzle book to keep himself busy for the down times (if there are any.) All the garbage has been taken out so we don't come home in a few days to a stinky house. Jack's suitcase has been packed and in the car for weeks now. Of course, now I'm having second thoughts on everything I packed for him.

  The nightgown I'm wearing smells like baby. We ran out of laundry detergent and yesterday I was too impatient to wait for Donny to get back with more so I washed a load of clothes in Dreft, the baby detergent. Now I smell like newborn which only makes me want to meet Jack more. Yesterday, we kept saying things like, "Today is the last day we'll have lunch in this house as a family of three." We extended all the programs on the TiVos, and the stuff due to record over the next few days, until next week. As I watched the dates go by I thought, "Jack will be here by then."

  Every now and then Donny and I would look at each other yesterday and say, "Tomorrow, we're going to have a son. What are we going to do!?" And then we'd laugh and just shake our heads. I told him, "You know what? I'm really looking forward to a few weeks from now when I'm feeling better, and hopefully starting to look more like myself, how great it's going to be to make love for the first time as his parents."

  "It will be...." I started to say, "...special," I concluded.

  "...crazy," Donny said at the same time.

  "See, I was trying to make it romantic and meaningful and you gotta get nasty with it."

  "Not nasty. Just passionate. Show you what you've been missing."

  That's the wonderful thing about having a baby. You have all these special "last time we did this" moments, and all of these great, "the first time we do this together" moments to look forward to. We were trying to come up with all these "Jack" themed Halloween costumes. Poor boy. One year he'll be a Jack in the Box and another he can be Jack and the Beanstalk... or perhaps he and Kali can be Jack and Jill.

  I'm excited. Not really scared or nervous. Maybe because I've done this before. The upside of being so miserable in the final months is that you really don't stress about the delivery. You don't care if you tear or get one drop of epidural. You just can't wait to push! At least that's how I feel.

  We called the labor and delivery unit last night to make sure there wasn't something special I was supposed to be doing or not doing, eating or not eating, etc. They said I could do what I want and that they have me on the books for 7:30am. Woohoo! The doctor said I should be on a pitocin IV by 8am.

  We get to bring the laptop and if there's Wi-Fi, I'll update as much as I can. I'm hoping for pitocin then epidural. In fact, if they just want to meet me in the parking lot with the epi, that would be swell. I plan on telling the doctor, "You know, when I had my daughter I had to have two shots of epi before it took so feel free to double up on the stuff from the get go. In fact, why don't you figure out just enough to kill me, and then shave off that amount just a tad."

  Ok, I'm going to relax for a bit and try not to stare at the clock. It's 5:16am.

  5:51am - Ain't this a bitch? It's nine minutes before the alarm is due to go off, and now I just want to go to sleep.

  6:52am - We leave in 8 minutes. I think we have everything we need... and probably stuff we don't. We called at exactly 6:30am and fortunately not one inconsiderate bitch went
into emergency labor so my induction time of 7:30 is on!

  Holla atcha later.

  We’re Home!

  August 6, 2008

  There's so much to tell it will probably take three blogs. But here are the highlights:

  Jack Ian was born on Monday, August 4th at 5:19pm. He weighed 8lbs and 6ozs and is 20 1/2 inches long. He has a LOT of jet black hair. For the first day or so I didn't think he looked like either one of us. I kept saying, "He looks like his own self." But, the more I look at him, the more I see Donny.

  I am married to the most wonderful man EVER. Period. Hands down. It's a wrap. He was so wonderful throughout the whole pregnancy and was my rock while in labor. I also have an amazing daughter who was there the whole time. And the icing on the cake was having my Dad there to witness it as well.

  We have video. I'll be sharing some of my Dad's video as he got the PG version. Our video cam was set up on a tripod and got ALL IN MY BUSINESS. What's on that video is between us, the doctor and nurses, and God.

  I pushed him out in six minutes and felt every vagina stretching, bone adjusting moment of it. The epidural only took care of the tummy area which was wonderful during most of the day. But once he dropped and it was time to push, I felt it. And what you've heard is correct: it does feel like you have to drop the mother of all dumps. But it was still a wonderful experience. I'm glad I felt it and wouldn't change a thing.

  We've been home for about an hour and a half and I'm exhausted. Jack is sleeping and Kali and Donny ran out to the store. My eyes are drooping as I type this.

  Pics, blogs, videos, details, etc. to follow soon. Thanks for all your kind words and well wishes.

  P.S. Jack is absolutely beautiful. As Donny said, "He has the most beautiful eyes ever. I could stare into them all day." We are all completely in love.

  P.P.S. My vagina hurts.

  Day One: Drugs ‘R’ Fun

  August 7, 2008

  So, as most of you know we went to the hospital at 7:30am on Monday morning so that my labor could be induced. Not only was I the only woman scheduled for an induction that day, there were no other women there period. It was very quiet in the labor and delivery wing and we got lots of attention, which as you can all imagine, was right up my alley.

  My nurses, Lynn and Jessica, got me settled and hooked up to an IV of fluids while we waited for the doctor on call to arrive and check me before beginning the pitocin drip. Guess who the doctor on call was? Dr. G! Once he arrived, he informed me that he wouldn't be checking me vaginally until after the pitocin kicked in. So, I have no way of knowing how far along I'd progressed from last Tuesday when I was 2 centimeters dilated.

  After ten minutes of being on the pitocin, I got a horrible pain in my back. The nurses had shown Kali and Donny how to read the machines hooked up to Jack's heart rate and the one monitoring my contractions. Donny informed me that the back pan wasn't reading as a contraction. Lynn and Jessica came in and I explained that the current pain was exactly what I'd experienced a few days before and they concluded that Jack was most likely pinching a nerve. (This was the cause of the debilitating back pain that warranted an induction to begin with.)

  After a while the contractions began and though they hurt, they were tolerable. I just made sure to do my breathing through each one. In the car, on the way to the hospital, I told myself to stick to three things that day. One, be a big girl and two, remain calm and focused so that, three, I could enjoy and remember everything. I was determined to follow through on all three. When they started to get bad (Mommy, that one peaked at a six! Did you feel it? Yes, honey, Mommy felt it.) I asked Lynn and Jessica for the epidural. Within ten minutes, Kali was whisked out the room to hang with the nurses at the nurses' station right outside the room and I was hunched over the edge of the bed clutching a pillow.

  The doctor administering the epidural was Dr. F. If they made a movie about Dr. F's life Morgan Freeman would play him. I really liked this guy. He was calm and explained everything as he went along. It was kinda scary because they made me recite my full name, the date, my birth date, who the President is, etc., before we began. The three needles he inserted to numb everything stung, but weren't that bad. Then he placed a long, thin, tube in my back and that was tolerable. The most painful part was when he actually injected me with the first drug. It was hot and I felt extreme pressure, but even that wasn't like yell-out-loud pain. I just told myself to breathe, remain calm, and know that it can't last forever. Donny held my hands and told me I was doing a good job.

  Up until then I'd been sitting up in bed and keeping a journal on my laptop - like a timeline - for a blog since there was no Wi-Fi to update live, but after I got the epidural the nurses told me I'd have to lie back and remain still so the tubing wouldn't come out... even though they taped it to my back with three large ass strips of tape. See, epidural and a free back wax. Sweet. Lynn and Jessica watched the monitors for about ten to twenty minutes and at one point asked, "Do you feel that?"

  "Feel what?"

  "You're having a contraction. A big one."

  Guess the epidural was working.

  Then they inserted a catheter and emptied my bladder for me. Didn't feel a thing. I was happy that I couldn't feel pan, but still a little weirded out by the situation. I couldn't move my legs, and when I touched my thigh it felt like it was someone else's thigh. I was reminded of that joke about boys sitting on their hand to make it fall asleep and then masturbating with it so that it feels like someone else's hand. Somehow, I didn't think anyone else would appreciate my little analogy so I kept it to myself.

  I don't remember this, but Donny says it's on video. Apparently, I was messing with the controls trying to raise the back of the bed a bit and instead pressed a button that cause the mattress under my butt to rise.

  He said I gave a small jump like someone had just stuck something up my butt and said, "Oops. That's my ass."

  For some reason Donny and Kali found this extremely funny and busted out laughing which caused my doped up ass to laugh. Donny says that he told me, "Leave it to you to find the ass button." I have to check the video to see this for myself.

  There were times when I knew I was having a contraction because my heart would speed up and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I didn't like that feeling at all, but I guess it beats feeling the pain of a contraction. Dr. G. returned to finally check me down there and hopefully break my water. It turns out that while he was up there looking for my cervix; my water broke on its own. All up his arm, according to Donny who was ALL IN IT. When they looked at the fluid they told me that Jack had had a bowel movement and that it wasn't anything to be too worried about, which of course made me worry, and that it just meant they would have to have a respiratory specialist there when he came out to make sure he didn't ingest any. At this point I was four centimeters and Dr. G. suggested upping the pitocin, which had been increasing throughout the morning anyway.

  Kali and I napped and Donny sat by my side. I remember bits of conversation like me telling him I was so happy we worked through our problems and that our marriage lasted so we could share this together to which Donny replied, "Yeah, I'm just glad you didn't leave me." To which I replied, "I know, right? What was I thinking?"

  The nurses checked me again and I was at 7 centimeters. They really wanted me to have him before their shift ended at 4pm. We'd all formed a nice little relationship and they were dying to meet Jack. They checked me again 30 minutes later because the contractions were getting stronger, faster, and lower (I was starting to feel them because, as they explained, the epidural only fully covered the stomach, lower pain pelvic pain and anal pressure was all mine to feel though it would be dulled due to the epidural), and I was at 9 centimeters. Yup, I dilated two centimeters in 30 minutes. I wasn't playing around.

  At this point I'm wondering where the hell my Dad was. It's after 4pm and we were expecting him around 1:30pm. He called to say that his car had overheated, but he was close by. Swell. I was f
eeling every contraction and with each one I felt like I needed to push. My new nurse, Becky, would check me and tell me that though I wasn't quite 10 centimeters, I was still in the 9's and I couldn't push. It was sooo hard not to, but I held on. My Dad finally arrived between 4:15 and 4:30. He entered the room carrying his camcorder, huffing and puffing, and said, "OK, you can push now."

  "I wish," I replied.

  At 4:30 Becky told me she'd check me again at 4:45 because I was really close. It was the longest 15 minutes of my life. It felt like I had to take the biggest shit and no one would let me. At exactly 4:45pm I made Donny page Becky. She checked me and said I felt fully dilated and that she would page Dr. G. After a few minutes she came to tell me that Dr. G. instructed her to start the pushing w/o him and that he'd be there shortly.

  I pushed three times for ten seconds each during each contraction. I went through two contractions (six pushes) with Becky and a young nurse named Jennifer. After the pushing for the first contraction Becky said to Donny, "See the head?" And Donny looked between my legs and smiled and nodded. He told me later that Becky had actually pushed open the lips of my vagina and he had to look UP it to see the head. I nearly threw up when he told me that. While we waited for Dr. G., I was told not to push during contractions and to just let Jack move forward on his own with each one. They said he was already really low because the labor had progressed so nicely and at such a good pace.

  When Dr. G. entered he instructed Becky to check me and tell him which way she thought Jack's head was turned. She did. Then he said he would check and if she was wrong, he'd explain why. She was wrong and then he said that during each contraction he would work on turning Jack's head in the proper position so she could see how it was done. That made me feel all queasy because, remember, I could feel EVERYTHING going on down there. And though it didn't hurt due to epidural, it was still majorly uncomfortable.