Blog It Out, Bitch

by Perez, Nina

  So, with each contraction, Jennifer and Donny are each holding a leg, I'm pushing, Kali is hiding behind a curtain across the room listening to it all (another reason I was determined not to scream), my Dad is somewhere behind me and to my left videotaping, and Dr. G. is twisting his hand inside my vagina.

  Donny was amazing. He kept looking down there and would rub my leg, whisper to me that I was doing great and that he loved me. When the head came out I was nervous that they'd say the cord was around the neck or something, but it wasn't. Then Donny told me later that one of Jack's arms also came out with the head because, like his big sister, he seemed to have been resting his head on it. I was instructed not to push because Dr. G. didn't want me to tear and they wanted to situate the arm. Then it was okay to push and I pushed once and he literally just came sliding out. I heard them all say several times, "He's out. He’s out." but I thought they were talking about more of his body. I didn’t realize he was out out till Donny leaned over to kiss me and tell me, "He's here."

  Donny and I both said that we weren't looking forward to that moment where you're just waiting for them to cry. Usually, they wait until they're on the table and they need to be suctioned and stimulated. Not our Jack. He was screaming his head off as Dr. G. was cleaning him up and working on the cord. I could barely see him but I remember thinking that he looked really tiny. I had a moment of panic that maybe they had my due date wrong and he was two weeks early and it was all my fault for wanting an induction if he wasn't fully ready to come out.

  They placed him on my chest for a few moments and then they took him away to examine him. Donny and I were a crying mess. On my Dad's video, he follows Jack. But our camera was on a tripod and Donny was too over the moon to think about it right away, and so on our video I now know what it looks like to have someone stick their whole hand inside of me, I'm talking to the wrist or more, and pull out placenta. At the time, I was only vaguely aware of what Dr. G. was doing because I was staying focused on Jack. Donny was crying and kissing me and wouldn't leave my side. I finally told him to go be with Jack that I'd be okay. He told me later that he could see all this blood gushing out of me and he was worried about me so he didn't want to leave.

  I remember Dr. G. saying that he was trying to get the bleeding to stop and thinking, "That doesn't sound good." They gave me a shot in my thigh of something that was supposed to help with the bleeding, but I don't remember the name of it. Kali could be heard asking, "Can I come in now?" but me and the nurses kept telling her to wait. I didn't want her to see me all spread open and bloody. But Jack was right next to the curtain so once he was over there being worked on; she spent most of her time cooing over him. Every now and then I'd glance down and see Dr. G. pulling a long piece of bloody thread on a hooked needle and I'd force myself to look away. I found out later from Becky that I only required one stitch (just like with Kali) but that you have to suture several times... I still don't understand what that means, but all I know is that now, my vagina is angry.

  You could have knocked me over with a feather when I heard that he weighed 8lbs and 6ozs. He just didn't look that big. Also, I couldn't help but wonder how big his butt would have been should we have gone five more days. I bet I'd have needed more stitches. Once I was all taken care of and cleaned up, I got to hold Jack. Donny had already held him, and by the time he got to me he was knocked out. I nursed him for awhile, but he never opened more than one eye. I hadn't seen his fingers or toes.

  Then the shakes began. My body went into shock and I shook for about an hour and a half. My teeth were chattering and everything. I couldn't even talk. I finally passed out while my Dad, Kali, and Donny hung with Jack. When I awoke, the shaking had thankfully passed. We had dinner and my stepmother arrived to see the baby. Around 8pm Becky said I needed to try and walk to the ladies room with her and she would show me how to care for my vagina for the next few weeks and she also needed to make sure I was urinating properly. I had to do this two more times with two more nurses before I would be allowed to go to the bathroom alone.

  When you have a baby you really need to check your pride, vanity, and privacy at the door. You will have people from all walks of life, literally, up your ass. Becky had to help me off the toilet and there was one moment when I stumbled and nearly knocked over the little bucket (you have to pee in a bucket placed in the toilet so they can accurately measure the amount of urine you're producing) when Becky and I just busted out laughing. I mean, really, you have to laugh or else you'll cry and go crazy.

  A trip to the bathroom just to pee now takes me about ten minutes. I have to fill the spray bottle with warm water, dispose of sanitary napkin, pee, spray vagina with warm water to clean it, pat dry, get new napkin, line it with witch hazel pads, spray those with epifoam, and pull up my gauze drawers.

  You heard me. GAUZE DRAWERS. Panties made of gauze. And let me just say... they are FABULOUS! They gave me a bunch to take home. I may never wear regular panties again. They are so comfy and the best part is that if they get soiled, you just toss them away. I love that someone had the nerve to fashion them after boy shorts too. Like, being sexy is the last thing on your mind when you're wearing gauze drawers.

  Once it was determined that I was able to go and walk (somewhat) we were transferred to our private room out of the labor and delivery wing and into the Mother Baby wing. My parents and Kali left and it was just Donny, Jack, and I.

  He thanked me for all the hard work it took to bring Jack into this world and I thanked him for taking care of me for nine months so I could do it. Then we cried like babies. Jack finally woke up for real and let me look into his eyes. I lost it. I just cried and told him how much I loved him. Then Donny started crying again and told me that the moment Jack came out he thought, "This is what life is about. This is worth living for." And poor Jack just stared out at me like, "Man up, bitches."

  The first night was really easy. We were going to take turns getting up with him, but it turns out I still needed help moving around and being able to lift him and place him in the hospital crib. Donny changed the first diaper without me having to ask. And it was a poopy one. He was like a pro; quick, efficient, but gentle and loving. Later in the night, when it was my turn to change a poopy diaper I was like, "Um, so, what am I supposed to do with all this?"

  Donny was patient with me. "Make sure you lift his balls and get under there really good. Get in the creases." Just yesterday he awoke from a nap with a soiled diaper and when I opened it, I was greeted with baby boner. I immediately closed the diaper.

  "Um, honey, this one's for you."

  Day Two and What’s Been Happening Since

  August 12, 2008

  Warning: For awhile my blogs may be kind of (very) long as I won't have much time to update daily as I used to. I find I start typing a blog and then I have to stop to go get my nipples sucked raw, change a diaper, or clean a poopy diaper.

  Let me start by saying that labor and delivery nurses are the shit. Even though I believe that one led me astray last week, and one made me feel like a druggie, and some were a little less on the ball as most, overall, those women rock! I mean, you gotta respect a profession where you're expected to check a woman's menstrual pad, help them go to the bathroom, and check their ass for fissures.

  Tuesday, our second day in the hospital, was busy. Somehow I ended up alone with Jack while Donny went to my parent's house to get Kali and of course that's when all the shit hit the fan. I don't really know how it happened. I know I called to order our lunch promptly at 11am when the cafe opened for lunch figuring that it would arrive just as Donny was returning. Then for some reason I decided that then would be a good time to take a shower. I pushed Jack into the bathroom with me (he was in the hospital's portable crib) and by the time I was done... like, literally as I exited the bathroom, lunch arrived... and he woke up.

  So, I found myself sitting on the edge of the hospital bed totally famished and shaking because I was so hungry, rocking his crib with my left hand a
nd eating with one shaky right hand. My lower back felt like it was on fire because I had obviously done too much too soon (remember, I had given birth less than 24 hours before) and I really thought I was going to pass out. When I managed to eat enough so that I wouldn't faint I had to pick him up to nurse. Of course, during that time a nurse showed up wanting to check my blood pressure, another to check him, and a lady came by asking if I was ready for Jack to take his hospital portraits. I almost chucked my orange sorbet at her.

  I know it doesn't sound like it, but I really do enjoy staying in a hospital. I think it's for the same reason I love hotels. I love being waited on. I love that I don't have to worry about making the bed (and seriously, I could have used a hospital bed during my pregnancy. They rock!) and changing the linen. I love that the meals (and the special labor and delivery menu was awesome) are delivered to me. All of my meals were free, Donny got one free meal and then each breakfast was $3 and lunch and dinner were each $4. I think he paid for two meals tops the whole time we were there. People like Donny and are always hooking him up with free shit.

  Anyway, at some point on Tuesday I became concerned. It seemed to always be a real challenge in getting Jack to latch on and when he did, he didn't seem to nurse very long. On Monday, he was real mellow. But on Tuesday he was extra fussy and wouldn't fall asleep when laid down. He would fall asleep in our arms, but start screaming bloody murder the moment we put him down. I speculated to Donny that he might not be getting enough colostrum (sweet, thick substance that comes out before your milk comes in.) Even though he was having plenty of wet and poopy diapers, I noticed he wasn't burping after nursing. I wondered if his fussiness was due to hunger or gas. When a nurse came in a short while later she said she could hear his stomach growling as she listened to his breathing. I told her my concern and she suggested we supplement with formula.

  I would always offer him breast first, let him nurse as long as he wanted, and then give him formula if he still seemed hungry after that. She brought us these prepared bottles of formula that were only good for one hour after opening. We noticed a difference immediately. Not only was Jack guzzling the stuff down with hearty burps afterwards, but he was sleeping after eating and sleeping for hours at a time. We decided to continue this process until my milk came in.

  At some point on Tuesday a nurse came in to "check me." Before she could begin I asked, "Is it just you?" See, when I had Kali a doctor came in to check me and asked if I minded if residents watched because it was a teaching hospital. I looked at the four or five residents huddled by the door and said, "They seem a little long in the tooth to not know how to check blood pressure and temperature, but whatever." Umm, that's not the checking she meant. Next thing you know, I had six or seven people watching as the doctor pulled down my gauze drawers to check the blood on my sanitary napkin and the worst part was being rolled over on my side and having them all watch as the doctor spread my ass cheeks. That's what I get for being a smartass. This time, the nurse was alone so I only had to suffer the indignity of having ONE person looking up my ass.

  I swear the nurses' shifts must be like four hours long because it seemed like every time we turned around, a new one was coming in and introducing herself as my nurse. Most were really nice. One got on my nerves. I was told by Becky, the nurse who helped deliver Jack, that I would automatically get 600mgs of Motrin every six hours and I could get a Lortab every four, but I'd have to ask for the Lortab. So, one night as the new nurse came on she said she'd be getting my Motrin in about 15 minutes and I told her that I was also due for a Lortab.

  "Well, that is as needed you know."

  "Well, I need it." I snapped.

  "Well, it can also make you constipated so if the pain is tolerable, you may want to hold off and see if you can move your bowels."

  I didn't have the vocabulary necessary to express how much I didn't care if I never pooped again. I was scared I'd bust a stitch. Dr. G. had ordered them to give me stool softeners every so often, but still.

  Note: Jack was born on Monday and I made it to Thursday before pooping. Guess what? It wasn't so bad.

  Anyway, I waited till that heifer went off duty before I asked the next nurse for a Lortab. Also, I had my prescription of Lortab (prescribed by Dr. G2 on Saturday when she ordered my induction) in my purse so, fuck them.

  Ok, so we went home on Wednesday. Donny went to get Kali after breakfast and by the time he came back I was pretty much packed and ready to go. Jack was an angel the whole ride home. He slept the whole way. All that heavy formula no doubt.

  From Wednesday to Thursday night I worried that he wasn't nursing enough. It would take him FOREVER to latch on. He would scream and fight it and when he finally did, he'd only suckle for a few minutes and then be done. We thought he was doing it only because he knew the next step was the formula. I was worried that his lack of nursing was causing my milk not to come in. We talked to Beverly and a lactation consultant. Beverly suggested we pump on a regular schedule so Thursday night Donny and I used the breast pump every 2-3 hours for about 20 minutes each time. By Friday morning my breasts were full and achy and I was getting a little milk when I pumped.

  I decided to take Jack off the formula cold turkey. The whole weekend was torture. Getting him to latch on was damn near impossible, but I didn't give up. So many times I wanted to just give him a bottle of formula so we could all get some rest, but I held strong. I talked to my friend Carrie (I seriously have the best MySpace friends/readers) and she had some really good suggestions including the old "bait and switch." This involved me cradling Jack in a nursing position but letting him suck on a pacifier. Just as he was getting into it I'd remove the pacifier and stick my breast in instead. That worked quite a few times. Finally, what really worked was Donny making a small bottle of formula and putting a few drops of it on my nipples before feeding. I know, I know, it's heinous fuckery most foul, but it worked.

  Sunday was the first day that he latched on as soon as the breast was presented and nursed for long periods of time. The milk was in and flowing because I could hear him taking deep gulps and there'd be milk around his mouth when he was done. Woohoo!

  But while this was going on we had a new problem. I have been extremely swollen since delivery. It's most noticeable on my right foot which is huge. Every day it got worse. I'd have trouble breathing when lying down and walking was painful. On Saturday, Dr. G. called in a prescription for Lasix which is supposed to help drain the excess fluid from my body. When I asked if it would affect my milk he said that since my milk was just coming in he doubted it. I wasn't convinced. We waited an hour after he called it in and then called the pharmacy. The pharmacist said that if I took the drug it would dry up my milk. I lost it.

  I cried almost all of Saturday and Sunday. I refused to take the medication. I begged Donny hysterically, "Please don't make me do this. Please don't make me do this." Donny told me that at night he would listen to me struggling to breathe and was scared I was going to die. Yet I refused. Even at night when I couldn't breathe and Dr. G. told me it was most likely due to fluid in or around my lungs. On Sunday evening I let Donny go get the prescription but was tempted to flush the six pills when he wasn't looking. When I finally agreed - after my Dad came over to talk to me and my mother talked to Donny and Sophie put in her two cents - I still managed to stall. Jack was just getting the hang of breastfeeding and I would break down into tears every time I thought that this time would be my last time nursing him.

  "When are you going to take it?" Donny would ask.

  And I would just cradle Jack and cry and say, "After this feeding. Just one more. I promise." I called Beverly at home and she said that the drug wouldn't hurt Jack and it wouldn't dry up my milk. I was STILL scared. Finally, I looked up a La Leche League leader in my area and called her at home. This poor woman. Here I am, a stranger, calling her at 9:30pm near tears. She looked up the drug and explained that it was sometimes given to newborns directly in higher doses than I'd been prescribed s
o I probably shouldn't be concerned with Jack getting it in the breast milk and there was no real evidence that it would dry up my milk and that it only said that it may reduce my milk supply. To fight that, she suggested that I just feed and pump like crazy. The more milk you put out, the more you produce.

  It's Tuesday afternoon as I type this and I have one pill left. Yesterday, we took Jack to the pediatrician. He passed his hearing test, but he's lost four ounces since birth. Considering he just started latching on properly the day before the doctor said it wasn't anything to be concerned about, but did suggest we bring him by tomorrow (Wednesday) without an appointment for a quick weight check. She also said that the medicine wouldn't affect Jack or my milk. Since we were in the building we stopped in to see Beverly and big mouth Donny told her how bad my breathing was the night before and how he was thisclose to calling 9-1-1. She insisted that we go in the back and see Dr. G.

  He told me that though the pills say one a day, not to wait 24 hours between doses. He said they only last 4 hours so I should be taking them every 4 hours to get it over with. He also said he was a little mad when he called to check on me and found that I hadn't filled the prescription right away due to something a lactation consultant said. He assured me that he would never give me something that would hurt Jack and that though he understood my desire to breastfeed, if I die of lung failure that doesn't do Jack any good either. True dat.

  The pill is supposed to make you pee a lot, but I swear I'm not peeing anymore than usual, but something is working because my right foot looks close to normal. I have to check in with Dr. G. today because he goes out of town tomorrow. He said I may need to have some sort of cardiac scan to make sure I didn't develop cardiac myopathy. Oh, another side effect of excess fluid in your body? Body aches. I would wake up in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning and feel as if I'd been beaten with a bat from head to toe. Not fun.