Sex and the Confession Box

by M. H. O'Hara

  Well good night, knackered no sleep party. Told him was a hen night with old friends, you look hung over good cure for that want an egg banjo sandwich no I said in a different happy voice to James because I am going to get changed and we are going to go to the park and then KFC. Yeah he said jumping up and down on the couch, want to come with I said to my brother Anthony nah dads making the usual Sunday dinner and there’s a plate with my name on it’ll ok I enquired with James, yeah great no bother at all any calls I asked in a desperate hopelessness of wanting. Not a one, I nodded well let’s see what I have for my wee friends I said in a stupid doggy voice I use with the dogs and dug into my bag and took out the pastries and leftovers I’d taken from the hotel, I broke them all up as the dogs got so excited to breakfasts yeah. Placing their bowl onto the ground I went into my room to change into jeans and a blouse and tidy myself up to look and feel more human more me I put James coat on and got the dogs onto their lead and we locked up and went off to have a normal day, walking down the road with my two dogs and son my neighbours waved hello and beeped as they drove by in their cars, though it felt as though the whole area all the houses even them they had all changed everything was dusted with disdain for it all. Nothing I now saw before me I believe to be real or people the people I knew they weren’t real I looked at them their life’s different they all had changed but in reality I hadn’t looked at life now with a hardness, with a grown up perspective but one that had seen a different side of life one I hadn’t been privy to and although it was only a short bit of exposure it changed everything and everyone, I know looked really looked at my neighbour driving by does he visit brothels, does he beat his wife, Is anyone real to themselves, even as my brother and I swung James back and forth a hand of his in one of ours he seemed different So clean unspoilt I wanted even more than ever to protect him from real life real people bring him somewhere that he would never know any of this but stay in blissful beautiful ignorance.

  Father Francis

  Father O Callaghan walked back into the chapel watching as Eileen walked down the chapels drive, shaking his head he wondered what could make a woman like that so angry so mad at life at the church. His beloved church, he had just became a full parish priest (correct term) after his communion with god and this was his first parish. Belfast a far cry from C.O. Fermanagh where he’d lived all his life and didn’t miss it too much, at least when he did go home he was greeted like the prodigal son he always wanted to be a far cry from what would happen if he was truly himself. He always knew he was gay, knew he was different just not sure what about him was different to start with. Played rugby, boxing did all the things he was meant to do but never really fitted him Then out of the blue his brother who was six years older than himself just blurted out at the dinner table “I’m Gay “right over the dumplings I’m gay hung in the air for a forever. My brother looked straight at me when he said it and I didn’t turn away was completely unaware that he was.To me he was all I inspired to be and more. All I ever got from me da, was be more like your brother when I got punched in the face in boxing or bullied at school, stand up for yourself he’d say. Sad thing was I was just like him, and neither of us had a clue and we shared the same room. My Da jumped up out of his chair and said right into Brendan’s face no you’re not, you’re talking nonsense no son of mine is gay. Where this come from. Dad Brendan said I am gay I always knew I was, I don’t want to pretend anymore and he made the mistake of placing his hand on my dad’s shoulder, in that instant everything changed! My dad spun round and got Brendan in a neck lock squashing his face hard up against the wall you’ll get out of this house and don’t ever come back don’t even look back. My mum was trying to drag my dad of him get between but he shook her of Please Jim she said don’t do this hush woman, you did this you made him like this you were always fussing over him, Brendan tried to speak but it only resulted in a hard smack of his jaw into the wall which now had a splurge of his blood careering down the wall. Get out he said throwing him in the direction of the door, he expected this his bag was packed and hidden under the coat rack he’d hoped but knew this was inevitable. I ran over to him give him time to calm down he’ll come round, he opened the door bye Mum I love you me da was restraining her from going near him. I hugged him goodbye, IL write to the parish so you get my letters ok? I nodded unable to speak or I’d break down in tears and in one pull of the door he was gone.

  Smelling the incense in the chapel always made him think of home and happier times. After Brendan had come out there was no way I could I now took on the role of good son and it smothered me I’m gay but I choose this life to help repress these feelings which aren’t as strong as before. Taking a vow of celibacy helps, and I’m away from home and keeping the family name. I could hear Father Harkin clattering and banging in the parish house, muttering to himself, hearing me coming in he swung round ,what a wee tramp that one was, how dare, she how dare she he said again. Puffing on his cigarette and drinking the vodka raw. You’ll have to take over afternoon mass I’m in no state after that unholy mess out there. Hope you made sure she feck in well left the grounds, yes she did father I said trying to screw back the lid on the ten glass bottle he’d just opened. I didn’t care much for Father Harkin, he was old school a nasty git there was a lot like him some so bitter and evil you wonder what could have made them become priests, they certainly didn’t like people much sinners or not. All scum to the ole ones after a while. Thank god they were all getting put out to pasture so to speak made to retire bringing in new fresh young minds and souls full of humility for the first ten years at least. Francis thought to himself if I start to act or feel like this I’d rather leave than become so twisted in my heart I can’t see any good in anyone. He let out a little cough, so what about this priest Father O Kane what happened that’s the priest I’ve replaced isn’t it Father, he brushed up his hand like he wasn’t interested in talking just being left alone but he too felt there was something he was hiding or not letting on. He’d pick a better time when the father was more liquored up he talked way too much he’d nudge him then and get to the truth

  Eileen’s Story

  .

  I lay on the bed and tried to sleep while James napped everything just kept spinning round and round in my head. I called out in vain Where are you Peter? Will he still want me once he knows about last night? Will I tell him, anger burned why should I he promised swore he’d be back swore him, loved me and would save me from that and this life. Now what, wait and hope that nice wee priest Father O Callaghan finds something, then what if it’s a dead end .Oh god the thought of doing this again made me run to the loo to heave but nothing came just that heaving and hurling up your lings and nothing came up. I sat on the cold tiles all I wanted to do was numb myself I looked up into the mirror, I disgusted me I started to pull at my head at my hair and charged over to the dressing table and picked up my nail scissors and sat there ready to wanting cut it all off, cut away at my waist long naturally curly strawberry blonde hair, I hated myself the hate swelled inside me I trailed the ends of the scissors across my arm, it stung. I screamed up into nothingness. Then I looked there he was with that smugness that smirk on his face “Scared Heart of Jesus” versus my scarred broken heart I grabbed the old picture with fury marched out into the yard and began jumping up and down on it like a mad woman shouting you’re a liar, your fake I hate you I ,m not afraid of what you do to me, go on strike me down, nothing just a broken picture, but that wasn’t enough, I ran through the house emptied all handbags and got every piece of holy crap I ever had, from statues of Our lady to St Anthony all the shit prayers and bible fucked it all in the bins and danced around like a mad woman. But still not a peep not a shot of lightening I’m free of you, you like all men have let me down, no more believing it will get better, maybe tomorrow for now all my tomorrows belonged to sin!

  Father Francis

  At the end of his first mass on his own Father o Callaghan went back into the rectory and changed thinking ho
w well he had done and about all the blue rinse brigade telling him what a lovely speaker he was He’s forgotten all about that girl Eileen and Father O Kane until one of the wee ole dears had said how much they were going to miss him now that he’d gone to another parish ,strange they said it was a like a bolt out of the blue he didn’t even tell us himself and that wasn’t like him at all he had done a lot for this community and wed all would have liked a chance to thank him and say our goodbyes. Another wee woman interrupted well Father Harkin did see that it was an emergency post as such some other priest had died and all very rushed but nay letters would be forwarded on. They also asked and what parish did he move to then Father do you know, Father Harkin wouldn’t say. I’m not sure but it will be one he will continue to do good work in that I can promise you ladies. Strange for sure he thought to himself, back in the living room of the parish house of the parish Father Harkin was out cold in front of the telly a football match, he quietly turned it off and threw the blanket from the back of the armchair over the grumpy ole fella and turned towards the office and to see what he could uncover Closing the door not quite completely in case Father harking roused from his sleep Father Francis search through the files looking up the names of priests in surrounding parish’s no file for Father O Kane, strange perhaps they transferred it over then it would be on computer, Switched on the computer which was donated to the charity from a local business man and typed in the password and started searching through documents took a good twenty minutes till he came across file for transferrs. Nothing in it regarding Father O Kane’s transfer, so he checked his emails and a wicked thought came to him, what about checking what the ole fella gets up to? He was a priest but that didn’t make him a saint. He logged into Father Harkins email he’d seen him put in his password hundred times not hard to crack”Holywater1”how many priests used that one he wondered. Searched through and nothing until he went back almost three weeks and there was three separate emails from the arch bishop’s desk. He began to read them still with one listening ear for Father Harkin, what he read began to make sense as to why Harkin had gotten so mad and why all the quickness and secrecy of Father O Kane’s departure.

  There is was as clear as day Father O Kane left the priest hood! Sweet Mary he said out loud, what was going on? From what he read in the Bishops emails he gathered that Father O Kane came to see the Bishop and told him he, made up his mind to leave from the priesthood, the bishop wasn’t impressed but O Kane had been adamant and the Bishop had scheduled the appointment with the cardinal ten days ago, but even stranger Father O Kane never keep that appointment and no one had heard from him since! The last email indicated that perhaps Father O Kane had went back to his home in Donegal and would service in time, apparently many priests would take off and just turn up. News to him, who would have thought that joining the priesthood would be so exciting well it was to a wee man such as himself from C.O. Fermangh. He sat back in the black leather arm chair and thought to himself Where could Father O Kane be, what brought him to such a momentous decision to leave the priesthood, to quit it’s not something a priest comes to easily. Though many have left but you never hear of it. What was the connection with this young woman Eileen? It wasn’t that hard to figure out something was up there and she knew more than she was letting on as did Father Harkin. He turned off the computer and went out into the little bit of a garden they had there meant for contemplate used mostly by the priests who smoked, did he really want to get involved there was more going on here than he cared to know. But he felt drawn to this as if he was meant to find the truth or perhaps God was guiding him to save someone. He then remembered what that woman Eileen had said to him as she left you’ll be saving not one life Father but possible two”! He had his own secrets his own past he was trying to run from could he handle all this to was this part of his calling. Now he began to understand why the older priests drank or became bitter and angry, so much weight of others sins and worries and problems carrying them with you along with your own losses and pains would be like the weight of the crucifix on your shoulders. He’d sleep on it and ask God what he should do.

  CHAPTER 9 Eileen’s Story

  Eileen was brought out of her train of thought by the ring of the phone she ran to it as she’d just put her son to bed and did not want him woken, who could it be at this time it was ten thirty at night. She picked it up hello she said with annoyance, Hello Kara, it was Doreen, what does she want at this time? Sorry to call you so late, is something wrong no I wanted to know how you got on with your date on Saturday. Couldn’t it waited until tomorrow Doreen well to be honest hone it wasn’t just that, I was wondering if you would be up to working a couple of days for me at one of our houses next week? OH! I didn’t know what to say, I was tired had just gotten through nearly two bottles of red and was not thinking clearly so I couldn’t think straight Doreen can I talk to you about it tomorrow I’m tired from last night not much sleep So you got on ok yes he was a Gent what did you think of his missing bits, I laughed you could have warned me of that bit. She laughed herself on the other end, sure half the fun is finding it out. He was good bit kinky oh yeah there’s a lot of those. I will call you tomorrow Doreen clear headed ok hone, just I got let down by a girl she was due to fly in today no show, Susie can only stay and extra couple of days to help me out then has to get back I’d just be looking you to cover Friday and Saturday new girl be coming in Sunday. Well IL call you tomorrow Doreen goodnight, night Kara. God not now much too soon, why did I feel so obligated to this woman, not like a sense of fear but that I’m shouldn’t let her down, maybe it was her and only her at the moment that stood between myself and homelessness. Bed called I slid in sleepily and a little tipsy that conversation had taken away the nice warm edge the wine had brought and now I was brought me back to here and now. Sleep escape to dreams, escape, escape was all I ever thought of now. I was so tired so much had happened and I just wanted it to be all over, tired in my bones in my soul. Sleep tomorrow would bring something better, I nearly said please god instead I rolled my eyes up to the ceiling and pulled the blanket up tighter you’re on your own remember Eileen!

  CHAPTER10 Peter’s Story

  Father O Kane tried to calm Father Harkin down but there was no talking to him, he slammed the door behind him and walked towards the car he’d had a hospital visit to do one of his last duties as a priest. I have a right to know why, he heard a soured angry rant behind him. He turned and tried to keep his composure, we may have worked together and live under the same roof Father Harkin for six years but I owe you nor this parish anything. I am looking after me now, me someone I haven’t given any thought to in fifteen years. He turned back to the car placing the keys in the door, it’s a woman I can tell even smell her on you, the old bastard never knows when to give up thought Father o Kane, he ignored him climbing into the car and starting the engine he didn’t even look at him just through him. Jesus what is his problem you’d think I just told him I was with the Jews on the day Jesus was crucified He’d liked Harkin at the start but when Harkins mother died he drank more and became more bitter and judgemental of all around him including himself. There was just an old man with nothing left to give anyone other resentment and criticism. He got to the hospital, he always found these visits hard, the families all filled with hope that maybe you could prefer some miracle and do like Jesus did and cure the sick, a funeral was easier but the enviable had happened and there was nothing to do but rejoice in the live that was and what this life had brought all those who were now left behind. But when people were dying there still remained that hope that longing, he’d seen no miracles he could speak of other than finding Eileen and hope in his soul again.

  He’d done the last rights for an elderly woman by the name of Bridgett she was well in her eighties and was simply dying of old age her eyes where kind and she was glad to be going she told him I’m lonely she said he’s met about thirty or more of her family and there were a lot more and he asked her lonely with all the famil
y you’ve got, she looked at him straight into his heart, yes but there only half with me, then they go and when that door shuts and you in your bed alone, you’re really alone I long for my love, my husband reaching over and feeling his hand I want to be with him. He kissed her on the head, knowing that she soon would be with her husband and it wouldn’t be him doing the funeral he’d be on his own journey to a new life in many ways like Bridgett a new path a new home to one that was meant for be .Back at the parish there was no sign of Father Harkin thank god, so he went into his room and packed up all his clothes not many he’d have to be getting himself some civilian clothes, Jesus jeans first he thought I miss wearing jeans, He got all his private paperwork together and was all set for his appointment with The Bishop tomorrow then he’s off to Donegal get all his accounts cleared out and see the cardinal and back to his new beginning with Eileen and her little boy, he wondered about the child what was he like, would he take to him he ‘d be patient with him, win him round. God children he’d never given thought to it but a child of his own, a child that he and Eileen made oh god dear he hope for this, would she want more children oh so many new hopes chances and dreams lay before him. So much now he could do and he could do anything with her by him, she raised him up to be the man a man he’d never even thought he could be, it was all ahead of him and he thanked God with every cell in his body for this second chance life a real life.

  The next morning he arose at 5.30am to avoid more awkward questions and insults from Father Harkin, he had cleared out everything from the room that he had occupied for six years, there wasn’t a sadness as he scanned the room, it wasn’t like he’d spent happy moments here it just was a room to sleep to wake up to go about a day and then sleep again a routine that’s all, auto pilot. The room now seemed more alive, as did he as the sun waved good morning to him through the curtains. Yes sure he should say goodbye properly to Harkin but what would be the point, he would only spoil his good feelings with all that negativity let him keep it he’d done enough cow tailed enough to the church to god to his father no more, no more. He quietly like that of an excited teenager breaking their curfew opened the door to the day and bounced into the morning is it always this beautiful he thought why does everything look better taste better when you’re in love? He loved that he knew this feeling, one he would hold onto forever. He threw all he owned in the world in the boot of the car and prepared himself for the long drive to the Bishops house in Downpatrick he know the Bishop would want to know why and try to talk him around but he may as well try and talk Jesus down of the cross he wouldn’t budge, like the nails that were driven through Jesus hands and feet it was Eileen’s love that was driven into his! He turned the radio on and sang on his journey to statuary and the bells rang in his heart.