by Joan Wolf
“But I still love you,” he said, and bent his head to kiss her.
At the last moment, Diana turned her face away. She felt his lips on her cheek, the weight of his body against hers, his arms encircling her. She could smell the wine on his breath. Her whole instinct was to give into him, to yield, to kiss him back. She ached for him with an intensity that was almost impossible to resist.
But she did resist.
I can’t let Alex do this to me, she thought hazily, as she leaned against him, inhaling his familiar scent. He can’t just throw me away and then think he can have me back when it’s convenient for him.
She stiffened her back—one of the hardest things she had ever done in her life—and pulled away from him.
“I trusted you to act like a gentleman,” she said breathlessly. “I would never have come with you if I had thought you would try this.”
Her heart was slamming so hard in her chest that she was sure he must hear it. She was upset and angry with herself. She had not expected to react so strongly to him.
He reached out and touched her hair and she pulled away from him forcefully. “Don’t!”
She heard him inhale deeply. “You’re right. I apologize,” he said in a grim voice. She saw a muscle jump in his jaw. “But if you ever change your mind, Dee, remember that I’ll be waiting.”
She gripped her hands tightly together in her lap. “Don’t wait,” she forced herself to say. “Find someone else.”
The muscle twitched again and he didn’t answer.
The door opened and a footman came in with the tea tray. After he had left, Diana started talking about settling Jem and Alex drank his tea and listened without making any reply.
Alex awoke at two in the morning, shaking all over and covered in sweat. He stared around him in the dark, not knowing where he was. His heart was pounding. The screams of wounded men and horses still sounded in his ears.
“Christ,” he said out loud.
A glimmer of moonlight shone through the curtains he had left open. He didn’t like sleeping in the dark anymore. He looked around again and recognized the bedroom. He was at Standish Court, not in the Peninsula.
He lay there, struggling for breath, waiting for his heartbeat to slow. He was familiar with this nightmare. He had lived with it ever since Salamanca. But it had been growing worse since he came home.
It’s all right, he told himself. You’re all right. Stop being such a fool. Get hold of yourself.
Slowly his heart began to return to its normal rhythm. The sweat dried on his skin, leaving him feeling chilled. He got out of bed and put on his robe. He went to the window and looked out.
The moonlight shone on the vast expanse of lawn that fronted the house, making the drive look like a ribbon of black velvet. It was a beautiful sight.
Standish Court, Alex thought. My home.
But somehow he could not feel connected to it. Ever since he had returned home, he had gone through the motions of what everyone expected of him. He had toured the estate, gone over the books, tried to pay attention to the myriad details that his estate agent had discussed with him. But he felt distanced from it all, as if he were watching himself do all of these things, as if he were not really present.
It was the same in London. Even his work for the Horse Guards had not fully engaged his attention.
What is the matter with me? he thought despairingly. I didn’t want to stay with the army anymore. I thought I would be happy to be at home. But I can’t seem to…connect…somehow. And these nightmares…
The only time he felt like his old self was when he was with Dee. If he could hold her, kiss her, be with her, then maybe some of this strangeness would go away.
But he had forfeited that right. For the first time he contemplated the possibility that she wouldn’t change her mind, that she wanted another kind of man from him. He knew he couldn’t really blame her, but he wondered with some despair what would become of him if he lost Dee.
He looked around for his slippers. He would go down to the library and find a book. He knew from experience that his sleep for the night was over.
He lit the lamp in the library and was pulling a copy of Xenophon from the shelves, when he heard Dee say, “Alex? What are you doing here this time of night?”
His head jerked around. She was standing in the doorway, wearing a voluminous white nightgown. Her hair fell in a glorious mass of coppery curls around her shoulders.
“I couldn’t sleep,” he said. “What are you doing here?”
“Jem woke up with a nightmare. I’m going to get him some warm milk from the kitchen.”
Poor little boy, Alex thought. What a hell of a life he must have led.
“That’s a good idea,” he said. He stepped away from the floor-to-ceiling mahogany bookcase, his copy of Xenophon in his hand.
“Why couldn’t you sleep?” she said. “You certainly had enough wine at dinner to make you sleepy.”
He had drunk the wine in the hopes that it would do just that.
“I don’t know,” he answered as lightly as he could. He certainly wasn’t going to tell Dee that he had nightmares. “Sometimes one has nights like that.”
“True.” She sounded as if she understood what he was talking about.
“Go back to bed,” he said. “It’s cold and you don’t have a robe on. I’ll get the lad his milk.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’ll bring it along in a few minutes. Go back upstairs and get into bed.”
She disappeared from his view and he went downstairs to the kitchen, where he located the milk. It took him a bit longer to figure out how to warm it up, but he finally managed it. He climbed the stairs again, coming to a halt in front of the bedroom Diana was using. The door was partially open.
“Dee?” he called.
“Come in,” she said softly.
The lamp was on and he walked into the room. Jem was not in the trundle bed, he was sitting up in the big bed next to Diana. Alex walked across the room and sat down on the bed next to him.
“Here you go, laddie,” he said. “Drink it up and it will help you go back to sleep.”
The boy accepted the glass from his hands. There was a shadowy look around his big brown eyes.
“He had a dream about being forced to climb chimneys,” Diana said.
They exchanged a look of sympathy over Jem’s head. “Poor child,” Alex said sincerely. “Nightmares are horrible things.”
Diana nodded.
Alex ran gentle fingers through the boy’s mop of hair. “You’re going to be all right, Jem,” he said. “I am a very important lord, you know, and I am going to make certain that you are all right. No one will ever make you climb chimneys again. We are going to find you a good family where you can grow up to be a happy, healthy boy.”
Jem looked up at Alex. “What if I don’t like this family?” His voice trembled. “What if they’re mean to me?”
Alex looked directly into his eyes. “If you’re not being well treated, you will tell me and I will fix it.”
There was a moment of silence as the two of them looked at each other. Then the boy said, “What will you do?”
“You can come and live with me,” Alex said.
Jem’s big eyes got bigger. “Do you mean that?”
“Yes,” Alex said.
The boy smiled. Then he drank his milk.
Alex looked at Dee. She had tears in her eyes.
“Thank you,” she mouthed to him.
He nodded and got up from the bed. “I’ll say good night to you both,” he said. “We’ll meet again at breakfast.”
Ten
Diana lay in bed, wide-awake, with Jem asleep beside her. It was that nap she had had this afternoon, she thought. That was why she couldn’t sleep.
Alex had meant it when he had said he would let Jem live with him, she thought. They had almost totally disarmed her, those words of his. For a moment it was as if she had the old Alex back.
> She turned on her side, trying to get comfortable, and a memory swam slowly to the surface of her mind. She had been sixteen years old and she and Alex had gone to the lake, ostensibly to fish. Instead they had sat on the grassy bank, his head in her lap, the sun warm on their faces. They had been quiet, content just to be alone together. She could almost feel the weight of his head, could almost smell the faint scent of his sun-warmed skin. Nero had slept at a little distance from them, wuffling a little now and then as he dreamed.
How peaceful she had felt with Alex. How secure in the bond that held them together. She had never once worried that he would be a great earl while she was a mere commoner. He was Alex and she was Dee. That was all that mattered. She trusted him.
What had been amazing was that no one in the family seemed to notice that something unusual was going on between Alex and Diana. She had been like a sister to Sally; everyone thought that she was like a sister to Alex, as well. They had not had to work very hard at covering their tracks. They had been companions for years.
And they didn’t want anyone to know. It was their secret, this precious love that had bloomed between them. Eventually Diana knew it would have to come out, but during those halcyon summers when Alex was home from school, they didn’t want anyone intruding into the intense privacy of their feelings.
Of course she knew that Alex had dreamed of being a soldier, but she also knew that his father was against it. He was the heir and the earl wanted him to stay at home and learn to shoulder the responsibilities of his position. And at Standish Court, and in his family, the earl’s word had been law. He had always intimidated Diana and she had never really been comfortable with him. He had given shelter to her and her mother, but he didn’t really care about them, the way Alex’s mother did. He had never been a substitute father to her.
She had grown up without the comfort and protection that a father provided to his child. She had seen how difficult it was for her mother to be a woman alone. If Cousin Amelia hadn’t taken them in, God knows what would have happened to them.
Diana deeply resented her father for dying in battle and leaving his family to fend for themselves. She thought that he should never have left them to advance his career in the army. He had turned his back on his responsibilities to his wife and child and she would never forgive him for that.
It had truly not occurred to her that Alex would do the same thing to her. As she sat there on that perfect July day, with the sun reflecting off the gray water of the lake, and Alex’s head in her lap, she had not had a thought in the world that anyone could come between them. She had certainly never dreamed that the one to destroy her idyll would be Alex himself.
Lying in her bed beside the sleeping Jem, tears came to her eyes. She dashed them away with her hand.
Stupid, she told herself. There’s no use pining over what used to be. You have to go forward with your life, you can’t be looking back.
She couldn’t marry Alex and hold his desertion over his head for the rest of their lives. And she couldn’t let it go. Once again her mind shied away from thinking too closely about why she blamed him so bitterly.
Please God, she thought. Let me find a good man to marry.
The following morning, Diana and Alex left Jem with one of the maids and went down to the stables to talk to the Henleys. They gathered in the small sitting room of the Henley cottage.
“It’s a big undertaking, to take in a strange boy,” Henley said. “What if he doesn’t work out?”
“If he doesn’t work out, we’ll take him back,” Diana said. “But I think love will make him blossom, Henley. Do you know the terrible lives climbing boys have in London? Well, his own father sold him into that life.”
“That’s terrible,” Henley said gruffly.
Mrs. Henley looked at Alex. “We’ll take him, my lord,” she said. She turned to her husband. “We discussed this last night. God has not seen fit to give us children of our own. Perhaps it is His will that we take this one into our hearts and into our home.”
Very slowly, Henley nodded his agreement.
Alex said, “I will be glad to pay you a stipend for his care.”
“No,” Henley said decisively. “If he is to be my son, I will take care of him. Your lordship pays me a good enough salary already.”
Diana smiled radiantly. “I don’t think either of you will regret doing this.”
“I hope not, Miss Sherwood,” Henley said a little emphatically.
“We said we would take him back if he didn’t work out, and I mean that,” Alex said. “I can always find a place for him in my household. But I think he will be much better off with a mother and a father.”
“I think you’re right, my lord,” Mrs. Henley said. Her plump face looked very serious.
“We were thinking of getting him a puppy,” Diana said. “Would that be a problem for you? I must warn you that Jem has nightmares, and I think a dog to sleep on his bed would be a big help to him.”
Henley looked at his wife. “It’s up to you, Alice.”
“It will be a nuisance, but I think it’s a good idea,” she replied. “Poor little lad. So he has nightmares?”
“He had one last night. He told me he was dreaming that someone was forcing him to climb a chimney.”
Tears stood out in Mrs. Henley’s eyes. “The Martins had a litter of puppies about a month ago. I’ll see about getting him one of them.”
“That would be wonderful,” Diana said fervently.
Alex said, “He has no clothes. You will have to take him into town and outfit him.” He reached into his pocket and took out a wad of bills. “At least let me pay for his first wardrobe.”
After a moment, Henley reached out and accepted the money.
After Alex and Diana had brought Jem down to the Henley’s cottage, they went out to the paddock to visit Alex’s old hunter, who was retired along with his father’s old hack.
“When I get back home for good, I’ll have to get a few new hunters,” Alex said. “I hunted Bart when I was in Portugal, but I’d rather keep him for a hack and get something else to hunt.”
“I haven’t hunted since you left,” Diana said wistfully.
He turned to her in surprise. The April breeze was blowing his black hair. “Why not?”
“I didn’t have a horse,” she said. “Your father was very good to let me ride Monty around the estate to exercise him, but I certainly wasn’t going to ask to hunt him. And it’s been a long time since Annie was fit enough to hunt.”
There was a little silence. Then he said, “That’s too bad. You loved to hunt.”
She shrugged and didn’t answer.
The two horses had been standing in front of them, eating the carrots that Diana had brought. Now that there were no more treats, the horses turned around and began to cross the field together. Diana watched the sun reflect off their thinning winter coats.
“If we start back immediately, we can be in London in time for dinner,” Diana said.
“I’d like to visit Nero first.”
She nodded. “Let’s get going, then.”
Alex stood by the grave of his dog and had to fight to keep back tears.
This is stupid, he told himself. Nero has been dead for years. There’s no reason for you to behave like a child.
But the memory of his dog brought back other memories, happy memories that were not scarred by the haze of blood and the screams of the injured and the dying.
If I had to do it all again, would I make the same choice? he wondered.
He looked at Diana, who was standing beside him.
I lost Dee and I got nightmares, he thought bitterly. He looked at Nero’s gray stone and after a moment he consciously straightened his shoulders. But I served my country and helped to rid the world of a tyrant. I can’t regret doing that. I can’t.
Diana turned from the grave and began to walk back in the direction from which they had come. He looked away from Nero’s stone, to the thick woods, then u
p to the clear blue sky. I just wish I knew where I fit in. There’s no place in the army for me anymore. My job there is done. But I don’t feel as if I fit in here anymore, either.
Diana stopped and looked back at him. “Are you coming?” she said.
He blinked quickly, so she wouldn’t see the tears in his eyes. “Yes,” he said. “I’m coming.”
The ride back home was quiet. They talked for a little bit about Jem, and how he would fit in with the Henleys.
“I think Mrs. Henley will be very good to him,” Diana said.
Alex murmured his agreement.
Silence fell as the horses trotted along the highway, occasionally passing other carriages going in the opposite direction.
“Does your mother know about us?” he asked abruptly.
She gave him a startled look.
“What makes you ask that?”
“The way she’s behaved toward me since I got home. She’s been polite, but scarcely warm. And she most definitely did not want you to accompany me on this errand.”
Diana studied his profile for a moment in silence, knowing well why her mother might have no love for him. “I think you’re imagining things,” she said stiffly. “Mama has always been very fond of you.”
“She used to be,” he replied. He turned his eyes her way and for a moment she looked into their crystalline depths. “But she doesn’t act very fond of me anymore.”
“You’re imagining things,” Diana repeated, turning away from those questioning eyes. “Just because Mama isn’t fawning all over you, like your own mother is doing, doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you.”
“All right,” he said after a moment. “If you say so.”
Silence fell again, the only sound the horses’ hooves as they struck against the road.
At last he said, “I’ll buy you a hunter for this coming season, if you like.”
“That is nice of you,” she said tightly, “but I am hoping by then to have a husband.”
The telltale muscle twitched in his jaw. “So you are really serious about getting married?”
“Of course I’m serious. That’s why I came to London.”
