Clementine

by R. Jean Wilson

  Relief coursed through Addison. Wait, don’t I want something to happen? Maybe I just didn’t want something to happen when I was drunk?

  “Oh! You did keep asking us to get your phone from your purse so you could call some guy named Holden. You said you wanted to see how well he danced...”

  WHAT? Addison almost spat her coffee out onto her couch. She swallowed quickly and set her cup down.

  “Was that a friend from Texas or something?” Katherine asked.

  “Katherine, you didn’t give it to me, did you? I didn’t call him, did I?” Addison asked, already starting to get up to find her phone, “Oh my God, Katherine, if I called him when I was that drunk...” she continued, not letting Katherine get a word in.

  “Relax psycho. Your phone was back at the table where our group was sitting and by the time we got it you were too drunk to remember,” Katherine said, eyeing her friend, obviously curious about her over the top reaction.

  “Was he an ex-boyfriend of yours or something?” Katherine asked.

  “He was... nothing. It just would have been embarrassing to call him drunk. That’s all,” Addison answered standing up and heading into the restroom to calm her nerves. It scared her to know how close she was to making a fool of herself. Thinking and dreaming about Holden was one thing, but to call him drunkenly would have been a nightmare. She would have told him everything and looked like the poor sap that hadn’t moved on from their platonic friendship. He would have been nice and probably even thought her drunk-dial was funny, and then he’d hang up and start making out with his brunette beauty and they’d laugh about how sad and naïve his old friend Addison was. Get it together and move on already. He’s dating another girl.

  Addison sat under the low-hanging leaves of a sugar maple tree between classes. Spring finally had hurtled forward and it was just warm enough for Addison to break out some of her old Texas clothes. She propped her sandaled feet up on the other end of the bench and relaxed back into the sharp metal armrest. She barely had time for herself lately. If she wasn’t in class, she was with the study group or with Katherine back at her apartment. Yet on days like this, when she sat surrounded only by the new spring blooms, she’d feel the ache of loneliness creep back in.

  Addison watched the students pass around her, each of them bustling toward their next classes, and took comfort in their presence. She couldn’t technically be lonely with thousands of college students passing around her, could she?

  Over the past few weeks she’d tried various techniques to snap her mood back to normal. She’d increased her workout regimen, finding solace in long runs and yoga classes that pushed her endurance. Those were the only times she felt like herself, but even she couldn’t run twenty four seven. Sitting there on that bench, she finally realized what her next step had to be if she wanted to move on with her life.

  Chapter 13

  The old man stood before the weathered gravestone, lightly strumming a guitar. He came here every Sunday, worshiping the woman that had stolen his heart over sixty years ago. They had lived and grown together from young adulthood, after serendipity joined their two separate paths with her subtle hands. They met on the platform as they both rode a train from New York to Boston. They shared a train car, talking and feeling like old friends by the time they had arrived in Massachusetts. Without hesitation, the two made a pact to meet back at the train station again in one week after visiting their family and friends. They had met again after seven days, and never parted for a longer period until the death of the old woman. Her life, which had been filled with joy thanks to the old man, was now both mourned and celebrated every Sunday.

  The old man continued to strum his guitar, singing softly to his eternal love:

  “I’ll be waiting at the train station; won’t you come back to me. I’ll be holding on through the dark; won’t you come back to be; the light.”

  “Come back my Addy.”

  After weeks of turning down Jordan’s invitations to dinner, Addison finally said yes. Her friends nagging on top of Addison’s own failure to move on from Holden inevitably pushed her toward Jordan. Katherine had become even more persistent ever since the night at the club. She swore Addison was attracted to Jordan even if she protested and couldn’t understand how anyone could turn down a date with him and Addison was beginning to agree. Katherine hadn’t asked about Holden since the drunk-dial incident and Addison neglected to offer any more details, so to everyone else, it looked like Addison was absolutely insane for ignoring Jordan.

  Don’t they say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else? I think that’s just dumb sitcoms. She smiled hopefully at her reflection in the mirror as she got ready for her dinner with Jordan. She’d donned a simple white summer dress and felt beautiful in the airy material.

  A small part of her felt guilty about her true reasoning behind accepting to go on a date with him, but she pushed it aside. She wanted to give him a chance. At the very least I’ll get some good food, she thought to herself, as she locked her apartment door and headed down the stairs to Jordan’s car.

  Jordan was waiting inside, his music blaring when she opened the door. His blonde hair fell charmingly across his forehead and his blue eyes looked up at her expressively. She knew he had worked hard to get her to say yes to a date and she felt bad for having been so difficult.

  “There she is,” he said offering her a genuine smile as he reached to turn his music down.

  “Hi Jordan,” Addison said offering a smile and sliding into his car.

  “You look great,” he offered and she felt her guard lowering.

  “Thanks, so do you.” She smiled coyly. His chin was cleanly shaven and she could make out his easy features for once. They seemed to match his unruly hair perfectly, making him look boyishly handsome.

  “I thought we could go to dinner and a movie?” Jordan asked as she buckled her seatbelt. “Do you like pizza?”

  “Sounds great. I’m starving,” Addison said, taking a deep breath. See, this is going to be fun.

  Over the next few weeks, Jordan took her on a few more casual dates around town. They have a good time; he’d always be a perfect gentlemen, and kept the conversation light and simple. Addison was happy to sit and listen, his stories were always a pleasant way to pass the time and she genuinely liked his company. It was fun when their study group met. Jordan wouldn’t act overly possessive but he’d always make sure she had a drink and a jacket if she needed it. Still, in the back of her mind, she knew she wasn’t being fair to him.

  What’s wrong with me? Why am I not head over heels for the guy?, she tried to reason with herself as she was in the kitchen helping Katherine make guacamole during one of their group study sessions. Jordan and Tyler had taken a break while the girls cooked and were intently watching a basketball game.

  Katherine nudged Addison. “He’s so cute Addison, you lucked out,” she said quietly enough so the boys wouldn’t overhear. Shouldn’t I have thought that before Katherine pointed it out? She ran her hand through her hair and headed toward the spot next to Jordan, sliding under his arm.

  In a way, Jordan reminded her of the guys she’d dated before Holden had stepped into her life. Of course he was a step up of from her poor undergrad tastes but it was the emotional connection or lack thereof that reminded her of past relationships. She didn’t realize what it meant to have chemistry with someone until Holden took her kayaking that first morning. It would’ve almost been easier if she still didn’t know what she was missing with Jordan.

  She’d call her mom and talk about her dilemma. Vickie knew every detail of Addison’s pitiful attempt at a rebound relationship. She loved having her mom to lean on but each of their conversations was like applying a new band-aid to a wound that just wouldn’t heal.

  “I think it’s time to move on from that boy. Jordan seems very nice, and he’s been so kind to you. I know you think you felt something special with Holden, but looking back, could it have really been that much
better than what Jordan offers you?”

  Addison mulled over her mom’s statements, knowing without a doubt that Holden had been a once in a lifetime experience. Maybe she should feel glad that she was privileged to even have had a short time with him. Her life wasn’t a Jane Austen film and it was probably time she stopped waiting for her Mr. Darcy to return.

  “You’re right mom; I mean I haven’t even kissed Jordan yet so how do I know what I really feel for him?”

  “What did I raise a nun or something? Kiss the boy already.”

  “Mom, aren’t you supposed to be happy about my semi-prudish ways?”

  “I just think you owe it to yourself to enjoy the life you’re living right now… not the life you had last summer.”

  “Welp… get ready for a grandchild then,” She laughed into the phone.

  “Hah! Don’t even joke about that, Addison!” They both laughed for a second until a silence fell over the phone.

  “…You’re right though by the way, Mom.”

  “We always are, my dear.”

  That night when Jordan picked her up for dinner, she vowed she would put her best effort into the night, even if Jordan was taking her to his favorite pizza place for the third time that month.

  “Jordan do you want to play the favorites game?” she asked, stomaching another bite of the extra meat lover’s pizza he’d ordered for them to share. Shouldn’t he ask what kind of pizza I’d like to order sometimes? She put the pizza slice down before vowing to never eat another slice as long as she lived. There’s got to be more to life than this damned meat lover’s pizza.

  “Hm, I don’t know what that is,” he eyed her before taking another bite.

  “Well I start by saying something that’s my favorite from any category like color, food, sport,” she listed, trailing off as she caught his eyes trailing over to the basketball game on TV.

  “Hah, sounds like something little kids would do. How about we just watch the game babe?” he answered, reaching his hand across the table to hold hers while his eyes stayed glued to the TV.

  She took a deep breath not wanting to break her vow of giving him a real chance. He was probably right, the game was silly anyway.

  Later that night, after Addison had counted down the minutes until the basketball game would end, she found herself walking to her apartment door with Jordan in her wake.

  “You’re the best babe, you have to admit the game was pretty entertaining right?” he asked as Addison turned to face him. She remembered her vow and chose to offer him a warm smile in response. Keep it together.

  He stood there, gazing down at her for a few moments. She took in his golden hair and light eyes. She knew dozens of girls would have loved to be in her position. Jordan was handsome and smart. What more could a girl ask for, right?

  He took a step toward her and before she had even registered his movements, she felt his lips on hers. She was stunned and couldn’t think fast enough to kiss him back before he pulled away, resting his forehead on hers. The entire kiss had only lasted a few seconds.

  “We just need to get through finals and then we’ll have a few weeks to spend just you and me,” he said confidently.

  (♫7)She nodded and watched him walk away, back toward the elevator. She walked through the door to her apartment, closing it behind her, and slinking down to the floor. She sat there in the dark waiting for her the emotions to come. His kiss wasn’t sloppy; he hadn’t slobbered on her and he didn’t have bad breath. His kiss hadn’t been too forceful or too soft, but Addison felt nothing. She wiped the back of her hand gently across her lips, unsure of how to feel about the last few weeks. She sat with her hands wrapped around her knees, hugging them toward her chest, trying to piece together her feelings. She stayed in that tight ball, so angry and sad with herself, with Holden, and with fate.

  She finally stood and walked slowly into her room, collapsing back onto her bed. That night, Addison resolved to end her pseudo relationship with Jordan. She knew it’d make things awkward in their study group, but she owed it to Jordan to end it before it went any further. He wasn’t the right guy for her and the last few months had provided little relief from the gaping hole in her chest. She knew she was still damaged. It’d been a mistake trying to heal the wound using someone who couldn’t begin to spur the feelings that had created it in the first place.

  Katherine’s going to kill me. She thought, rolling over onto her pillow and searching the ceiling for answers to all of her life’s questions.

  Chapter 14

  11 Months later

  Addison aced her first half of PA school. She was proud of herself for having studied as much as she had and in the end it paid off. The entire program was only sixteen months long, and she couldn’t believe how fast the first year had flown by. She’d never been busier in her life. After she explained to Jordan that she thought they needed to see other people, it had only taken a few weeks before Katherine had snatched him up. Unsurprisingly, Addison felt nothing when her friend told her about her true feelings for Jordan. Addison had suspected Katherine’s interest in him from the beginning and was glad she’d moved out of the way in time to let Katherine be happy. The four friends had stayed close throughout the year and Addison was happy to have met such good people to spend her time with in North Carolina. They had all gone to dinner the night before to say their goodbyes and wish each other luck during their next few months.

  “To the nights playing ‘Would You Rather’ when we should have been studying... that drunken night I attempted to have a dance off - Jordan you may not show that video to anyone or I will hunt you down... and of course y’alls adorably sick relationship. Cheers,” Addison toasted as the four friends clinked glasses. They were all splitting up to different parts of the country because the last part of PA school was centered on clinical rotations. They’d each applied to various teaching hospitals throughout the nation, but Addison felt relief in knowing they’d see each other in a few months for graduation.

  Addison, who was more than ready to head back to the warmth of Texas, had applied to every teaching hospital in Austin and Houston. She’d been accepted into the top two programs in the state at Whittington Hospital and Hyde Park Hospital. She knew Holden still worked at Hyde Park Hospital and, luckily for her, the top program was Whittington Hospital in Houston. It ended up being a simple decision for Addison. She knew right away which program she’d choose. Whittington Hospital here I come.

  She had a three week break before her rotations began and she planned on spending it lounging on her parent’s sofa. Rotations would drain her and she knew she needed to take full advantage of the temporary freedom. Her mom had flown up to North Carolina the day before to help Addison move and split up the nineteen hour drive back to Texas. Addison smiled over to her mom in the driver’s seat, excited to finally be reunited with her favorite person.

  “You seem good, Addison. Much better than when we were moving you up to North Carolina…” her mom offered with an encouraging smile.

  “I feel good, Mom. I’m really glad I studied so hard this past year. It also felt really good to keep my mind off guys after I broke it off with Jordan. I think I just needed a few months of focusing on school and figuring out everything I want to accomplish. Oh! Speaking of… I need to remember to submit my decision by tomorrow for my Teaching Hospital choice,” Addison said, typing a reminder to herself on her iPhone.

  “I thought you already picked Whittington a week ago?”

  “I did, but I still have to call the program office to officially accept my position by noon tomorrow or I forfeit my spot. With my luck, I’ll sleep until one and end up completely screwed.”

  “Yeah right, you think you’re sleeping late with those barking dogs in the house?” Vickie smiled.

  “Yeah that’s true; I’m used to my quiet apartment.” Addison agreed, taking in the sprawling countryside they passed as they drove south. “Mom, I have it completely planned. We’re going to watch every episode o
f Downton Abbey a dozen times while I’m at home, okay?” Addison joked, knowing her mom was just as excited as she was about the next few weeks.

  “Absolutely, and I also need your opinion on some paint samples for the dining room,” Vickie said.

  It felt good to be near her mom after being gone for so long. When Addison told her mom about her decision to do her clinical rotations at Whittington Hospital she’d conveniently left out the fact that Holden was still a resident at Hyde Park Hospital. She knew her mom wouldn’t understand that Addison had made the choice independently from her feelings for him, whatever feelings were left. Besides, to her mom it looked as if Addison was just picking Whittington because it was the top program.

  A few hours later as they crossed the state line from South Carolina into Georgia, Addison looked over to see her mom humming along to a John Denver song playing on the radio.

  “By the way, thanks for helping me relocate once again. You’re kind of the best,” she joked, affectionately squeezing her mom’s arm.

  “Oh you know, it’s what I’m here for,” Vickie answered simply.

  Addison turned back to the window, enjoying the melody of the song.

  “Oh, before I forget, will you look in my purse for a paper copy of your new car insurance. I brought it with me so we could swap your old version out,” Vickie said.

  Addison picked up her mom’s large brown leather purse and dug around for a few seconds before retrieving the crinkled insurance form.

  Placing her mom’s purse back on the floor, she reached to open the glove box. Sitting on top of the important documents, written out in Holden’s sloppy handwriting, was the note he had left on her pillow the morning she left for PA school. Her heart stopped as she reached in and pulled the small note out, swapping it with her new insurance form. She felt like she was looking at a ghost. Why, why is he always forcing himself back into my mind?