Clementine

by R. Jean Wilson

  Addison pushed her way into the scrub room where she’d been instructed to meet Holden and the rest of the doctors the following morning. While Holden would be the lead surgeon during the procedure, an attending physician would also be assisting. She saw that the rest of the surgical team was already prepping in the scrub room and Addison stepped in between nurses to make her way over to Holden.

  “Ah just in time, Ms. Caldwell.” Holden spoke as he watched her weave her way toward him. Her breath caught when their eyes met and she felt a wave of nerves crash against her.

  “Morning,” she spoke with a soft voice. He gave her a devastatingly sweet smile. Hello, Dr. Taylor. He introduced her to the attending and explained to him how she’d won the opportunity to assist in the surgery. She listened to Holden’s explanation, waiting for him to finish before extending the completed paperwork toward him.

  “There were seven documents right, Dr. Taylor?” Addison asked with a guarded smile. She knew Holden would count the forms, only get to six, and realize she was counting the quote he had slipped in. It was her way of letting him know she’d read it without making it obvious to the entire surgical team. She wasn’t sure what hospital policy was on fraternization between students and residents, but the situation definitely seemed like it would be frowned upon by their superiors.

  A quick moment passed before a knowing smile spread across Holden’s lips.

  “Yes, Addison,” He confirmed holding her gaze with a mischievous look in his eye. The way he said her name caused a familiar heat to return, drawing her toward him. Luckily, the surgical team seemed oblivious to the moment taking place between them. And yet, the unexplainable draw pulling her toward Holden didn’t prevent a nurse from bumping into her on accident, bringing her back to reality.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” Addison offered kindly, aware she was probably in everyone’s way. I’m about to go in on my first surgery… how did I get here?

  “Sinks over here,” Holden said, giving her a reassuring pat on her shoulder. As she moved toward the giant industrial-sized sink she acknowledged that now wasn’t the time for them to be focusing on their personal lives.

  From that point on Addison concentrated on the task before her, soaking up as much as she could as Holden walked her through the surgical set up. They entered the large operating room and she was momentarily stunned by stainless steel instruments, flashing monitors, methodical heart rate beeps, and an anesthesia machine. She froze as her brain played catch-up. The anesthesiologist already had the patient under and the entire atmosphere served to intimidate her further. Holden moved to one side of the operating table, instructing Addison to stand directly across from him under the bright surgical lights.

  For the first few minutes of the surgery Addison kept her hands by her side, hesitant of making a wrong move, and simply watched the well-oiled machine operating around her.

  “I’m ready for you, Ms. Caldwell,” Holden directed confidently. She could feel her palms sweating beneath her surgical gloves but when she met his eyes any concerns instantly faded. His honey brown eyes coaxed her nerves away and she managed to give him a soft nod. His confidence surrounded and enveloped her, coaxing her out of any remaining insecurities. Okay, I can do this.

  (♫9)She held the suction tube and surgical instruments when and where he directed, and watched in amazement at the fluidity of his movements. His hands worked effortlessly to fuse together the two designated lumbar vertebrae and it was clear to her then why he had been named head resident. Twice during the procedure Holden had looked up at her and asked how she was doing. She saw genuine concern behind his gaze and each time she’d offered a smile, replying coyly, amazed by the man in front of her. The man she thought she had figured out a year ago, only now realizing she’d only skimmed the surface.

  The entire procedure passed by in a blur. The nurses rushed around cleaning and organizing the operating room. Surgical assistants were rushing around her and she felt disoriented as she washed her hands, trying to stay out of everyone’s way. Addison didn’t get the chance to talk to Holden after the surgery. The attending ushered him out to speak with the patient’s family and Addison was instructed to find her rotation group and begin rounds.

  She stepped out of the operating room and stood in the hallway for a moment; removing her scrub cap and watching Holden walk away. He was about to turn the corner toward the waiting room to talk to the patient’s family but something made him pause. He turned back and found her still standing there. He was so far from her then, yards of pristinely tiled floors and bright hospital lights separating them. She wanted to be bold and run down the hallway, jump into his arms and force him to feel the love that was overflowing within her... But they were at work; people were watching and running into her head resident’s arms would be wildly inappropriate. Instead, she stood there watching an enigmatic expression form across Holden’s features. Addison took a deep breath, her eyes never drifting from his. They were perpetually pulled in opposite directions; their paths seeming to drift endlessly apart. Yet in that fleeting moment, as they gazed toward one another, Addison could have sworn they were finally in sync.

  Chapter 21

  Addison stepped out of the hospital after finishing her shift. It was a little after 5:00pm and she was exhausted. After the surgery she’d completed her rounds, only stopping for a quick bite to eat in between patients. She paused as she hopped down from the curb onto the parking lot pavement, finding the sky above her painted with dark, rolling clouds. She’d heard there was a rainstorm coming in but she’d hoped she’d make it home before it started to pour. Not sure I’ll be so lucky. She found her car quickly, jumped in, and threw her bags in the back. The second her door slammed closed from a gust of wind it began to sprinkle. Relaxing back into her seat, she sat watching the small drops timidly hit her front window.

  She hadn’t been able to pull her thoughts away from Holden the entire day; she’d anxiously turned each corner hoping he’d be there. Her entire shift drifted by without a private moment with him and she felt defeated. The rumbles of thunder in the distance distracted her thoughts and she welcomed the peaceful solitude, letting her eyes concentrate on the drops falling against her windshield. Where do we go from here? She felt like she was standing in the middle of a monumental moment and she didn’t want to make a wrong move.

  It was half an hour later when Addison finally resolved to turn her car on. Her muscles moved automatically, knowing the route she needed to take. Somewhere in her mind she realized that her next actions could jeopardize her position at Hyde Park Hospital or cause emotional damage she wasn’t sure would heal again, but logic didn’t stand a chance in that moment. She was finished making safe decisions. Holden had put the ball in her court when he’d given her a quote telling her his “desire” had grown stronger. Her stomach clenched into an anxious ball as she pulled out of the hospital parking lot, turning in the opposite direction of her apartment.

  (♫10)She had no plan; she didn’t even really acknowledge where she was heading as the rain beat down in sheets around her car. She could barely make out the white lines on the road through the raindrops but she knew she couldn’t turn back now. I have to do it. Rush hour was in full force and she drove through tight traffic as carefully as possible, weaving her way toward her destination. The windshield wipers pushed wildly back and forth across the glass, mimicking her racing heart. Calm down.

  Her thoughts were so focused on the road that it took her a second to realize she’d stopped her car outside of Holden’s house. She’d only been there a handful of times but the route was ingrained in her brain just like everything else associated with the man. She looked around in her car for an umbrella, but couldn’t find anything other than an old forgotten plastic grocery bag tucked under her seat. She grabbed the grocery bag, and hopped out of the car. She ran up the sidewalk as quick as her heels would allow as she held the grocery bag above her head, groaning at how little it was helping her stay dry. Just my luck.
She made it up the sidewalk and rang the doorbell, cursing Holden for not having a covered porch. Oh god, I’m doing this. I’m on his doorstep. He could open the door any time. Holy shit, why am I doing this?

  She stood paralyzed, trying to listen for footsteps or the click of a deadbolt, but nothing came. She waited a few minutes before ringing the bell again; trying not to think about the fact that he most likely wasn’t home. She had no clue when his shift ended at the hospital or if he’d even be coming home after. Why didn’t I think of that? She’d worked up the courage to perform a grand gesture and he wasn’t even there to witness it.

  As she stood glaring at his motionless front door she felt an overwhelming urge to cry; to let the tears fall, but her pride forced her to keep it together. Turning slowly toward the street, she sat down on his doorstep, letting the rain fall in puddles around her. She’d been soaked the second she got out of her car, so it was pointless to run back now. She still had no plan, and as the heavy drops continued to fall, she felt her composure trailing away with it. There was something soothing about sitting the rain. She let it cover her like a blanket as she stared off into the distance trying to understand how she’d ended up in such a gloriously horrible situation. Cars drove by splashing water onto the sides of the street and she hoped they couldn’t see her sitting there looking as pathetic as she felt. Her hair was plastered to her face and neck and she had to continuously blink to keep the water from running down her long lashes into her eyes.

  She ran through memories of Holden, trying to pinpoint the exact detail about him that enraptured her completely. He was brilliant and funny, adventurous and handsome; but for some reason she knew there was more to it. The overwhelming pull she felt when he was near was like a gravitational force between his body and hers. She had no hope of fighting it; it was an irrepressible force.

  Even through the tenebrous sky she could tell night was beginning to fall. She hadn't worn a watch, so she couldn't check the time, but she knew she’d been there long enough. It’s time to go. Her mom had been wrong about fate bringing them back together. Addison had taken the matter into her own hands and come out empty-handed and soaking wet. She grabbed the plastic bag and her keys, preparing to stand and leave when she suddenly saw his black Range Rover pull up in front of the house. Every emotion ran through her in that moment: joy at seeing him, fear of being turned down, anger from sitting soaking wet in the rain.

  Well there’s no leaving inconspicuously now. Once again she couldn’t squelch the overwhelming urge to cry. She tilted her head to the sky and closed her eyes, letting the rain wash her tears away as she tried to calm her racing heart. The cool drops kissed her cheeks, and for a brief second she lost herself in them completely.

  “Addison?”

  He asked incredulously, causing her to peel her eyes open and look away from the ominous sky. Holden was standing a few feet in front of her with a wide umbrella shielding him from the rain. He was bone dry, a pair of grey slacks hugging his fit legs and a white dress shirt unbuttoned just enough to show a hint of his tan skin. Fuck. Why was this a good idea? Can’t I just say I was accidently sitting on his front step? People do that right? They accidentally sit in the rain for thirty minutes, NOT waiting on the love of their life to return so they can confess that they adore them... that they’ve always adored them. He stood there, his face unreadable and she couldn’t help but smile thinking of how crazy she must look standing there soaking wet.

  “I was... wondering...” she spoke, looking around for inspiration, “…if you needed someone to water your flowers… since there’s that surgical conference this weekend. But... now, it’s raining and that’d... be crazy cause I’ve never watered your flowers... but the good news is that they are, in fact, watered...” She rambled, unable to stop herself from letting out a pitiful laugh. Alright crazy, time to leave.

  Holden stepped a few feet in front of her, an adorably sincere smile reaching his eyes. He didn’t move. He stood there drinking her in, neither one of them seeming to notice the rain pouring down around them. She didn’t know what the next moment would hold but she was content to stand there, to memorize this moment in time as one of the finest in her life. Hope clung in the air. Nothing had been said and anything was possible. He could love me; he could have missed me too.

  “Why didn’t you come to see me before you left last year?” he asked with narrowed eyes as he finally moved past her and opened the door to his house. He left the door hanging open and disappeared inside. At least he didn’t tell me to go home... She followed piteously, pausing at the threshold and taking a breath before stepping inside. She knew he was asking about the morning he’d left the note on her pillow and she’d be damned if he thought he was the victim that day.

  She walked into the house, taking in the modern furniture dotting his entryway and living room. Her visits inside his house last year had always been rushed so it felt strange to slowly rake her eyes over how the man of her dreams decorated his home. His design seemed to fit his personality to the tee. There were hard lines and dark tones juxtaposed with colorful books and a charming photo of an old man placed on his mantel. She heard footsteps near the kitchen and she made her way through the hallway, knowing he probably was wondering whether or not she’d followed him inside.

  She’d always loved Holden’s kitchen. Black stained cabinets hung above striking white marble countertops. A bowl of fresh fruit and a fancy coffeemaker were the only items obscuring the pristine marble. He’s such a surgeon... who doesn’t have a messy home once in awhile? She almost jumped when Holden stepped into the kitchen a moment later with two towels in his hand. He offered her one, setting the other on the counter as an extra, she assumed. She tried to read his mood, but his face held a stoic expression she had no clue how to read. She began to towel off before remembering his earlier question. Time to be completely honest.

  “I did go to the hospital, by the way. I walked in that morning and saw you with your arm around some beautiful brunette. She was perfect looking and just thinking about it brings back the sinking feeling in my stomach that wouldn’t leave for months after I left.” She paused to read his expression and found his eyebrows furrowed as if he was deep in thought. “I told myself the whole time that we were just hanging out as friends that you were too amazing to be single. I knew I wasn’t the only one you were sharing your time with back then, and it makes perfect sense looking back because it’s not like you ever asked me out on a date. You asked me to hangout and invited me to do things with you... and without even trying, you took me on the best dates of my life. Except they weren’t for you, you just wanted a buddy to hang out with in between your hook ups with the brunette, right?” she accused, her voice angry and full of embarrassment at the memories she was recalling.

  “Addison, stop,” he said, shaking his head. “You’re a fool.”

  I’m sorry, what? Her jaw dropped at his words and she whirled around, making a beeline out of the kitchen. She barely made it two steps before she felt a strong hand reach around her elbow.

  “Just stop. You have everything wrong. You thought you had it all figured out, you met me and conjured up these thoughts of me with other women when the truth is, I haven’t been with anyone since we met that day in the coffee shop.” He spoke earnestly, his hand clasped tightly around her arm until she’d finally stopped resisting. He forcefully drew his hand through his immaculate hair. “I don’t know if you’ve realized this, but resident hours are long and tiring. I don’t have time to take out multiple girls at once. When we were hanging out a year ago, you were the only person I was seeing. I know I never asked you out on an official date and I thought about doing it dozens of times, but it seemed like you were content with being just friends; you never responded to any of the moves I made. Even when I placed my hand on yours in the hospital cafeteria, you pulled yours away as if you couldn’t stand my touch.”

  Addison stood in his kitchen completely baffled, not caring that she was creating a sm
all puddle of dripping water beneath her feet. Every part of her was taking in his explanation and she couldn’t believe what he was saying. He thought I didn’t want him to touch me? I was the only woman he was seeing?

  “What about the brunette then, Holden?” Addison asked, unable to push the image of their intimate hug out of her mind.

  “That I don’t understand. My sister has visited me at the hospital a few times within the past year. She could have been there that day. She’s tall and brunette, but she looks just like me, so you couldn’t have thought we were dating...”

  Addison closed her eyes, envisioning the scene as she stopped into the neurology ward that day. The brunette girl had been tall like Holden, but Addison had been far away, too far to be able to compare their features. She suddenly felt him release his hold on her elbow and she heard his ominous steps on the wood floor. When she opened her eyes, Holden had returned with a silver framed photo. He held it out for her to take and when she looked behind the thin glass she saw a teenage Holden with his arm thrown casually around a young brunette girl’s shoulders. No...How could it be? The brunette woman who visited Holden a year ago was the same girl staring up at her from the photo. Addison ran her finger over the delicate frame. His sister was beautiful even then, the features she shared with Holden jumped off the photo and Addison could have sworn they had the exact same easy smile. My insecurities showed me what I wanted to see…what I feared most then.

  She shook her head feeling naive and silly. She’d made so many decisions concerning Holden based off that morning. I just can’t believe it…She cursed herself for being so wrong and she cursed Stacy for saying those things that had only made her more suspicious of Holden; she couldn’t have been further from the truth.