If Given a Choice

by Tracie Peterson

  “And now you don’t believe that?” Dan questioned in a noncommittal voice.

  “I don’t know.”

  There, at last it was out. Jenni knew that she’d been struggling with something deeper than Brian’s painful exit from her life and Dan’s reluctance to answer her questions. Her faith had been truly shaken for the first time in her life.

  “I guess what bothers me the most,” Jenni began again,” is the uncertainty of why things like this have to happen and when they will strike again. On top of everything else, you appear and ask me to let you court me. Even more important, you want me to give serious thought to sharing my life with you.” At this Dan squeezed her hand. Jenni got to her feet and moved to the porch rail.

  “All of this seems so out of control. For two years I thought I knew what would happen next. I thought I knew how I’d spend the rest of my life and why. Now, nothing makes sense. I’d like more control in my life than that.”

  “Control isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes it’s nice to let someone else steer the ship, so you can enjoy the scenery,” Daniel reasoned from behind her. “If you’re always strong, then nobody else has a chance to offer you support. You’re always alone, almost like you have to do it by yourself or nobody else will. After so long a time of rejecting people’s bolstering, they’ll stop offering. Then you will be alone, Jenni.”

  Jenni took a deep breath. “You sound like you’re speaking from experience.”

  “It just makes sense. Nothing all that mystical to it.”

  “What about spiritual?” Jenni dared the question. “How does God figure in?”

  “Who knows?” Dan answered in a rather brusque fashion. “Who are we to question what God does or doesn’t do?”

  “Is that you way of saying, ‘Who can know the mind of God?’ – or are you just trying to steer around my question?”

  Dan came to stand behind Jenni. When he turned her to face him, the moonlight shone just enough for Jenni to make out the strained look of turmoil in Dan’s face.

  “Trust me, Jenni,” Dan whispered and Jenni felt dizzy. “Just trust me.”

  “How can I?” Jenni murmured. “I don’t know you.”

  “I’d like for you to know me. I think I’ve already made that clear.” With that Dan lowered his lips to Jenni’s and kissed her gently.

  Jenni felt her arms go around Daniel’s neck, and without thinking about what she was doing, she returned his kiss. Daniel continued to kiss her until she thought she’d faint from lack of air. Lacking any interest in stopping Dan, however, Jenni only gave a half-hearted try at breaking the kiss.

  She heard Dan’s soft laugh as he lifted his lips and ran his hand through her hair. Jenni was afraid to open her eyes, and her heart was pounding so wildly that she was certain Dan could hear it.

  As Dan stroked her hair, Jenni stood motionless. She was enjoying his touch, and when his fingers began to lightly stroke her chest and neck, Jenni felt her knees grow weak.

  “Stop, please stop,” she barely breathed the words. “I don’t want to feel like this.”

  “You don’t mean that,” Dan whispered against her ear.

  “Yes, I do.” Jenni tried to sound convincing, but she couldn’t find the strength to break away from Daniel’s embrace.

  “No, you don’t,” Dan insisted.

  “No – I don’t,” Jenni agreed.

  SEVEN

  The emotion of the moment only seemed to grow. It was like a fire out of control, consuming everything in its wake. For a moment, Jenni tried to consider what she was doing, but she abandoned the effort; thinking rationally was clearly impossible.

  As Dan pulled Jenni back into his arms, she enjoyed the warmth that his embrace gave her. She could not deny that he could arouse a response in her, one that Brian had never been able to stir. But just what exactly did that mean?

  Dan’s well-muscled arms held Jenni securely and she could see the same longing that she felt, clearly reflected in the soft glow of the moonlight.

  A sudden desperation began to surface in Jenni’s mind, a feeling that left her little doubt that she would soon cross a point of no return. Dan showed no sign of releasing her, and Jenni knew that if she didn’t break away from his embrace soon, she might give in to her emotions and loneliness. Uttering a silent prayer for strength, Jenni firmly pushed away from Dan.

  “I shouldn’t have come here,” she said as she walked toward the stairs.

  Daniel immediately closed the distance between them. Taking hold of her arm, he pleaded with her to stay. “Don’t go, Jenni,” his words were hoarse with passion, and Jenni immediately felt guilty for her part in what had happened.

  “I have to,” Jenni said, breaking free of his touch. “What I let happen here was wrong. I don’t know how I feel about anything anymore, but I do know that. . .” Jenni’s words trialed off. How could she tell him that years of resolve and obedience to God’s Word had very nearly been destroyed just because of an emotional and physical high?

  “You know what?” Dan questioned seriously.

  Jenni paused for a moment longer on the steps and then, shaking her head, continued to walk away. “I’m sorry . I can’t explain it to you.”

  “Can’t or won’t?” Daniel questioned, following Jenni down the stairs.

  Jenni felt her determination dissolve. Well, Lord, she thought to herself. I might as well speak my mind and then maybe Daniel won’t even be interested in me anymore.

  The heave scent of pine smoke filled the air. Jenni knew that most of the guests were enjoying a fire to ward off the evening chill. The coolness of the evening began to penetrate her jacked, making her wish she were once again in Dan’s arms. She longed for the comfort and warmth of her own cabin as well. Dare she ask Daniel there in order to explain herself? “You haven’t answered me,” Dan reminded. His presence was overpoweringly certain, as he continued to stand beside Jenni.

  “Dan, I want to answer you, but not here. I need some privacy and I need more than a few minutes to explain. Why don’t you come down to the office with me?”

  “If it’s privacy you want, why not stay here with me?”

  “Because I don’t trust. . .” her words halted abruptly.

  Dan tensed beside her. “You don’t trust me?”

  Jenni thought his expression was almost pained. She reached out her hand, placing it lightly on his arm. “I don’t trust myself,” she answered plainly. Glancing up to see Dan’s response, Jenni felt herself flush at the grin on his face.

  “I see.” His tone was rather cocky, and Jenni began to wonder if she could level with Dan about her convictions.

  “I f you aren’t going to take this seriously, then I’m not going to talk to you,” she said defensively. She stood on the verge of explaining her philosophy of life, and meanwhile he was enjoying her discomfort.

  Dan reached out and took hold of Jenni by both arms. “I’ve never taken anything so seriously in my life. I’ll come with you if that’s what you want, but I can also guarantee you that if you want to stay here, I’ll remain a perfect gentleman.”

  “No. It’s not that I don’t believe you, but I do need to be available in case one of the guests needs something,” Jenni replied. She pushed back her long brown hair with a smile, adding, “And I promise that I will be a perfect lady, so you will be quite safe.” The teasing seemed to ease the tension for the moment.

  “Very well, Miss Campbell. Lead on.”

  ❧

  Jenni allowed Dan to start a fire, while she warmed a pot of coffee on the stove. She took off her jacket and draped it across the back of a dining room chair. Daniel was already making himself comfortable on the couch in front of the fire, when Jenni returned with the coffee.

  A strained silence seemed to hang over them and once again Jenni found herself wondering if she was doing the right thing. “Before I tell you what I have on my mind, I want you to understand one thing,” she began.

  “Go on,” Dan said
rather suspiciously.

  “I don’t want this conversation to turn into a religious argument,” Jenni saw Dan grimace momentarily and quickly continued to explain herself. “I have to say that, because what I want to say in regard to myself and what happened back at your cabin involves my convictions, but I am not suing that as a way to coerce you into making some spiritual declaration.”

  “I see.”

  “I hope so, because it’s very important that you do. I am not trying to find some kind of leverage with you and I don’t want to offend you by sharing my faith with you, but my faith is the center for all my decisions.” Jenni took a sip of the steaming coffee and then placed the cup on a small side table.

  “Well,” Dan said softly with a genuineness that warmed Jenni’s heart, “I promise not to be offended and I promise to listen with my heart, as well as my mind.”

  “Thank you,” Jenni responded. “I couldn’t expect any more than that.” Kicking off her shoes, Jenni tucked her feet under her and settled in for however long this conversation would take.

  “I feel rather embarrassed about what happened at your cabin. I should never have come up there tonight. I knew very well that my emotional state of mind would fight to control what I knew was spiritually true.”

  “And what is that truth?” Dan questioned.

  Jenni laughed nervously. “I ‘m not sure it’s that simple. I mean, I know what is spiritually true, but I’m not sure how to explain what I need to tell you.”

  “Just take your time, Jenni, and do it however you feel most comfortable. You won’t offend me, remember? So just say what you have to say,” Dan encouraged.

  Jenni looked across the short space between them. She’d purposefully sat on the opposite end of the couch, in order to distance herself from Dan. But even from this distance Jenni couldn’t help but notice every detail about him. He was the complete opposite of Brian and yet both of them had common ground as well. Both were charming and successful, both carried themselves with an assurance that was attractive. Did Dan also share Brian’s disdain for Christianity? Unfortunately, Jenni knew far too little about Daniel James.

  “Dan, the reason I grew uncomfortable back at your cabin is very simple,” she finally said. She’d concluded in a brief inner battle that the direct approach was best. “I believe in purity of mind and body, as well as spirit. I’ve believed the words of the Bible since I was a little girl. I believe that there is more to Christianity than just saying you’re a Christian. I believe that it is important to strive after the image of Christ in our lives. Does that make sense? Do you understand?”

  “I think so, though I must admit you make it sound pretty complicated,” Dan answered with a grin. “Why don’t you just simply say what you’re trying to get around?”

  Jenni grew warm under his intense stare. The look in his eyes only made saying what she needed to say that much more difficult. She’d never been able to discuss certain subjects easily and this was definitely one of those subjects.

  “Dan, I . . .” Jenni buried her face in her hands. “I feel so stupid. It’s hard for me to say this and yet I don’t know why. Maybe I’m afraid of how you’ll react and maybe I’m afraid of myself, but the fact is this. I’m saving myself for marriage. The rest of the world may think me insane, but I intend to be a virgin on my wedding night.” There, it was out, and Jenni heaved a sigh of relief and raised her face.

  Dan studied her for a moment. She looked so small and vulnerable that for a moment he did not comprehend the meaning of her words; then their significance finally impacted him. He sensed her despair. “Come here,” Dan motioned her with his index finger.

  Jenni felt defenseless and silently prayed that Dan wouldn’t take advantage of her weakness. When she hesitated, Dan motioned her again. “I won’t hurt you, just come here.”

  Jenni slid across the couch and allowed Dan to pull her into his arms. She felt as though she belonged there.

  “Jenni, you amaze me. I’m proud of you and yet astonished,” Dan said gently.

  “Proud? Astonished? What are you talking about?” Jenni questioned as she glanced into Dan’s eyes.

  “I’m proud of your convictions and yet astonished that you’ve managed to preserve your innocence, especially considering that you’ve been engaged these last two years.”

  “My principles destroyed my plans for marriage,” Jenni reminded Dan.

  “If the relationship was solidly built, it wouldn’t have crumbled over the issue of sex. Your fiancé should’ve felt honored to have a woman with such beliefs. There are a great many people who probably regret giving in to sexual pressures before marriage. Relationships built on sex have nothing but feelings for foundations.”

  “Then you understand why I pulled away from you? It wasn’t a lack of interest,” Jenni said boldly. “It was a matter of right and wrong.”

  “I do understand, and it only makes me more certain,” Dan replied in a way that made Jenni wonder at his meaning.

  “Certain about what?”

  “About courting you. About us.” His words were so simple and straightforward.

  Jenni said nothing for a moment, but she realized that the peace of mind that she’d attained from being honest with Dan allowed her to deal with the courting issue in a whole new light.

  “Are you still interested, knowing that I won’t sleep with you?” Jenni questioned, pulling away slightly in order to study his face.

  “It’s because you won’t sleep with me that I’ve realized I was right in asking to court you in the first place,” Dan said confidently. “And, I think I deserve to have an answer.”

  “Yes, you do,” Jenni agreed. “The problem is, I’m just not sure yet. If we court each other, it demands a commitment of sorts. I understand that it’s not the same commitment as engagement, but I feel that a decision of this magnitude merits a great amount of consideration.”

  “I understand, but I have two requests that I wish you’d give me an answer on,” Dan said seriously. “And, I’d like an answer tonight.”

  “And what are those two requests?” Jenni questioned curiously.

  “Would you at least agree to continue seeing me while you make your decision?” Dan asked. “And, would you agree to set a time limit on this contemplation?”

  Jenni sat back against the couch for a moment and considered Dan’s requests. Surely there wasn’t any harm in continuing to see him. She would have a chance to get to know him better that way. Maybe even lead him to a greater understanding of Christ. As for a time limit, that only seemed fair.

  “I think I can agree to both of those requests,” she finally answered. “I will give you a decision by the end of the summer. Is that acceptable?”

  “The end of the summer?” he repeated.

  “Yes. I’ll have an answer for you no later than Labor Day. In the meantime, I would love to continue going out with you, as long as you continue to respect my beliefs.”

  Jenni felt proud of herself and grateful to God. She had managed to stand on her beliefs and it hadn’t cost her Dan’s friendship or his interest in pursuing his relationship with her.

  “All right,” Dan said after several minutes of contemplation. “But in the meantime, I’m going to do everything in my power to help you make up your mind.” He grinned. “And I mean everything. I am growing rather fond of your company, Jenni Campbell. Furthermore, I believe with my intentions clearly stated, that I have a right to try and sway your opinion.”

  Jenni laughed out loud. “You amaze me, Dan. You truly amaze me.”

  “Oh, my sweet naïve, Jenni,” Dan said pulling her close. “You ain’t seen nothing yet.”

  EIGHT

  The weeks that followed fairly flew by. Dan had kept his promise to do everything possible to persuade Jenni to allow him to court her. Every day he tried something new and almost always he surprised her.

  “Are you ready?” Dan asked one day, as he appeared at the office desk.

  “Almost,” Jen
ni replied. She had promised to go with Dan to look at several houses.

  “The realtor guaranteed me that I would find something I liked among this group. Of course, he said that about the last group too.” The frustration in Dan’s voice was clear.

  Jenni finished her work and set a stack of papers on one corner of the desk. “There,” she said with a smile, “now I can leave with a clear conscience.”

  Dan looked her over with a grin. She wore a plaid pastel sundress with pale colors that echoed the misty hues of an impressionistic painting. The white eyelet lace that trimmed the bodice was the only adornment to challenge the simplicity.

  Knowing that Dan would have the top down on the jeep, Jenni tied a white head scarf on, then grabbed her clutch purse. “Okay, Mr. James, I believe I’m ready to assist you in house hunting.”

  Fully anticipating Dan’s gentlemanly gesture of opening the door, Jenni was surprised when he took her into his arms instead. “You look wonderful,” he said with a satisfied grin.

  Dan’s lips pressed lightly to Jenni’s, and she couldn’t help but sigh. “I could learn to like this.”

  “Learn? I presumed you were already enjoying yourself,” Dan chuckled.

  “Perhaps,” Jenni said with a grin to match Dan’s, “you presume too much.”

  “Maybe.” Dan paused as if considering the situation. “Perhaps that means I should redouble my efforts.”

  “Oh, no,” Jenni said, pulling Daniel out the office door, “don’t you dare.”

  Dan chuckled good naturedly as she pulled him along. “Lead me where you will, Miss Campbell. I promise to behave.”

  “That’ll be the day,” Jenni replied. Dan helped her into the jeep, then leaned down and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. “See what I mean?” Jenni said in mock disgust. “I can’t count on you to behave for even a minute.” Dan just shrugged his shoulders and headed the jeep down the canyon road.

  The first address they were given was located on the south side of Estes Park, near Allenspark. Dan had purposefully decided to start with the house the farthest from the resort. That way they could spend the day working their way back.