Numb

by Arissa Alexston

  Her nails scored against my back and caused me to bite my lower lip. God, the pleasure and pain…so many sensations ricocheted against my chest and mind, and I wanted to pound hard and fast. Calm, steady, virgin. I exhaled; her tightness gripped me hard as she accumulated to my cock moving inch by inch. She clenched, her body naturally wanting to fight the painful invasion.

  I winced and inhaled, trying to catch my breath. "Relax, Nadia. I won't go deeper until I'm sure you're ready." I wasn't sure if my words alone would help, but she would have to try in order for it to be less painful. She took a deep breath, and after a few heartbeats and small test movements with my hips, she seemed ready for me to slide deeper. I worked her open bit by bit, making sure she'd be prepared for full intercourse. After some time, my cock was buried to the hilt inside her tight opening. I began to pull out slowly, waiting to hear sounds of protests or feel her clench on me as a sign of pain, but she never did. I finally began a steady but gentle stroke, which drew surprised sounds from her throat.

  Soon, the deep moans of arousal spurred me on to a faster and rougher pace, but I remembered this was Nadia, and she had been counting on me to make this pleasant for her. She pulled emotions from me, solidifying herself in my exposed heart. I let the growing connection ebb and flow between us and surrendered myself to her fully. Serenity swamped me and burned away the darkness that I dwelled in continuously.

  I kissed her mouth and neck as I kept my thrusts slow and steady. Her body began to sweat and her breaths labored as she became overrun by the developing orgasm. I could feel her body change once rigid muscles became languid; her legs were clenching my hips tight as her flowing juices made things extra slick for both of us to enjoy. My pace quickened as she could take stronger penetrations of my cock. She arched her back and muttered under her breath.

  "What? Say it louder." I wanted to hear her clearly before she climaxed. Some dark pride welled within that I'd brought her to completion for her first time.

  "I think I'm about to—" Her words were cut off with a keening scream that rattled my eardrum and pulled my own climax. I moved faster as my coming thrusts bordered on sexual savagery. Nadia shivered as I continued fast, hard, unable to control myself, but she gripped my ass, pushing and groaning as I climaxed hard. As I spilled inside her, I stopped dwelling on the past and the negatives. The release went soul deep for me, altering who I wanted to be as a person.

  Feeling anew, I caught my breath, and couldn't help but feel that being inside her was akin to heaven. We were two people who were once strangers, now sharing bodies and trusting in one another in a vulnerable moment. I kissed her mouth again and felt her smile against my lips. My mind wondered a million things about her first experience and whether being with me had been what she expected. However, this moment wasn't about stroking my ego.

  "You okay?" I asked as I slowly pulled out of her and reached to the nightstand to turn on the lamp. She looked beautiful laying there, a light sheen of sweat on her skin and breathing causing her exposed breasts to sway slightly. There is a queen—no—goddess in my bed.

  "I think so, I mean, yes. Yes, I am," she stammered as she turned to her side.

  I sat up and looked down at the condom and the small streak of blood on it. "Be right back. You'll need a towel." I stood and disposed of the used condom in the trash. Pulled on some sweatpants and marched up stairs.

  I grabbed a dark towel from the spare bathroom and ran it under the water until the stream ran warm. Looking at myself in the mirror, I smiled at the noticeable light in my eyes. Genuine happiness radiated every thought and caused me to see that a woman changed me.

  I made my way back down to the basement to catch Nadia gazing down at her thighs. She noticed me, and embarrassment had her sputtering. "I'm so sorry, I didn't know there would be this much blood. Is there supposed to be this much? I think I ruined the sheets." She frowned and gripped the comforter tight before pulling it up to hide her body. The disgruntled look on her face coupled with the disheveled hair made her seem all the more lovely.

  "Don't worry about it. I expected ruined sheets, and wouldn't think I did this properly if they weren't stained." I offered a playful smile, which she returned before I sat on the bed. Pulling the comforter from her tight grip, I flipped it back to expose her full naked body and wiped the blood off her inner thighs. Nadia was shy about being so exposed, but I didn't make a big deal about it so she would relax. I pressed the warm towel against her mound to help soothe any aches that might be there. She seemed to be in heavy thought and gnawed her bottom lip.

  "So what now?" she asked nervously.

  I laughed. "Yeah, things can get awkward after sex, but you curb that by having sex again."

  "What?" She looked at me skeptically with a hint of a smile.

  I slid into the bed beside her, faced her and winked. "Let's keep the awkwardness down as much as possible tonight."

  Nadia laughed and laid her head down on my pillow, looking up at me sheepishly. "I agree."

  I focused on the wall across the way, my fingers twitching. "How about we keep it down long after tonight as well?" Nadia fell silent for so long that I had no choice but to look down at her. Her brown eyes were unreadable, deep and absorbing. So damn innocent, and I was nervous I would fuck everything up. First, I had to know if I had been someone she saw herself with long-term. "I mean, if you want to give it a try."

  "I don't want sex only." She sat up and looked at me firmly. Her brown gaze felt like sledgehammers, further driving her point across.

  "Me neither," I whispered, marveling at how easily the words flowed from my mouth.

  "Good. I'm not that kind of girl." She reached down and removed the towel and handed it to me.

  I took the cooling rag and tossed it on the floor before looking back at her. "I know."

  We were dancing around relationship talk, which would require serious emotions invested. I wasn't going to fuck this up like I had everything else. I had no idea on how to properly convey these foreign emotions, but I would try. All my past relationships were tumultuous as best. With a promise of something better, I was going to give every part of me I kept locked away from everyone.

  "Is this what you want, Gable?"

  I sighed and broke the gaze. "If by 'this' you mean you, then yeah, I want you. Of that I am sure." She nodded and laced her fingers together over her stomach in thought. "I'll be honest, Nadia. I haven't been in enough positive relationships to know how to operate a good one."

  "Same here."

  We sat there in silence, mulling over our own thoughts and what we'd set into motion with one another. "I have things in my life that I need sorted. It's a bit of a jumbled mess back home on Tybee. I need to go back there and get shit straight. The longer I put it off, the harder it will be to clean it up."

  "I will help you any way I can." I believed her. She would stand by her man. A woman I needed, and a woman I dared not to live without. I climbed on top of her, melting into her embrace as she wrapped her arms around me. My cock was firm and ready to go again. This time I could make no promises about keeping myself in check. "What are you doing?" She giggled as I nibbled her neck.

  "Keeping things from getting awkward."

  Chapter Nine

  A week later…

  Since returning to Tybee, life had been a damn rollercoaster of anger and sadness. Oh, and excitement tossed in for good measure. I wallowed deep in annoyance as I fumbled with the cardboard boxes at the store register. The woman in front of me corralled three rowdy kids as the chatterbox cashier slowly rang up items. I was ready to get the fuck out of this store. It was one o'clock on a Saturday afternoon, and today Nadia would drive in from Macon. My phone hadn't chimed with an alert from her yet, and I found myself anxiously waiting as the time ticked away.

  When she wasn't working or in class, we hardly spent longer than an hour without speaking in some form. Over the last few days I found myself counting down the minutes until she hit me up. A subtle hum vibra
ted in my body when she crossed my mind, as if my blood rushed at the thought of sliding deep inside her again. It had been a week since I touched her skin or brushed my tongue against her lips. Video chats and late night phone sex did little to curb my growing appetite of this remarkable woman.

  It would be the last weekend in my old condo before I moved into a new rental. Nadia and I were going to try the long distance thing. I didn't see it as a challenge since it would be temporary if we got serious. With dedication, this might actually would work between us as I finalized paperwork on the bar, allowing Carlos to buy in as partner. He'd gone through the trouble of building a proposal and presenting a large amount of money upfront to buy in. It had been a curveball I hadn't seen coming. With Carlos as a partner, my bar would be in good hands, and seeing his commitment to keep the place to the same standards was humbling and eye-opening. The monkey on my back had quieted a lot.

  The next chapter had been moving out. Nadia had no idea that the new lease I'd signed would be a month-to-month. Just until I knew for sure that what we had would be permanent enough for me to move to Macon. The consideration was a very serious thought in my mind, but I wanted to move slow for her. I wanted to ensure she was ready for me to be a constant in her life. For now, I would stay on Tybee, biding my time until I presented her with a proposition to move to Washington for her internship at the museum. I would be willing to do whatever it took to keep her in my life.

  I looked at my watch as I loaded the folded cardboard onto the counter. Nadia seemed serious about taking off to help me move, and I hoped like hell she hadn't been called into work at the last minute. She should've been close to arriving, and I was eager to see her again. Early this morning, we talked via video chat for almost an hour, and I loved hearing her voice and happiness daily. It gave me inspiration to keep soberness at the pinnacle of my new life. Our busy weekend together would help really jumpstart our exclusive relationship. She'd mentioned she had a few errands to run in Macon before heading to Tybee, but I nearly had the place packed up.

  I'd spent the last week removing all negative triggers to make way for the healthy living of sobriety. That included throwing most of Amy's shit out. She'd had plenty of time to come get her belongings. No contact had transpired since I'd dived head-first into Nadia and blocked Amy. Nadia's face had swirled in my mind as I'd tossed multiple black bags of Amy's unclaimed belongings in the trash. I'd expected to feel guilt as I trashed paraphernalia and trinkets gifted for forgiveness or bribery. However, there wasn't an ounce of remorse. All that had been left to pack had been the kitchen and my closet.

  At last, I paid for the boxes without offering much conversation to the cashier and headed out to my car. I decided to call Nadia, my anticipation getting the best of me. The phone rang twice and went to voicemail. I looked at my phone, perturbed she rejected my call. I tried again, hoping it had been an accident. Again, to voicemail. Okay, what the fuck?

  I dumped the shit in my backset, sat behind the wheel, and turned the ignition over. I looked down at my phone in annoyance. Why had she blocked contact with me? Shooting her a text would prove I was a pussy-whipped fool, but I guess we all wore labels when we followed our hearts. My fingers flew fast over the keyboard as my heart thundered nervously in my chest.

  What's up, babe? Everything okay? Are you almost here?

  I waited what seemed like ten minutes before getting a response from Nadia.

  No, I decided not to come. This won't work between us. After thinking about it, I don't need distractions from school. Work is bad enough without adding something or someone else. Sorry, take care of yourself.

  What the hell? Her cold and dismissive words caused a heavy void in my chest to grow, and I reread her words three times before it really sank in that she might not be joking. I called immediately, but it went straight to voicemail again. I tried calling three more times before leaving the store parking lot and driving back to the condo. By the time I pulled into my designated parking spot outside my building, sorrow gulped me down like a sinkhole. My throat felt tight with disappointment and my mind plunged in shambles as I tried to piece how we changed so abruptly. This morning she seemed full of happy conversations, and now she placed our relationship into arrested growth. Now I wasn't worth shit to her, just like everyone else in my life. Again, I felt used like a fucking napkin soaking up sweet and sour things life had to offer and tossed away.

  I wasn't sure if Nadia had used me for sex or for some twisted mind game I didn't see, but I realize I may have played into whatever she had cooked up. I knew some girls were malicious with men's hearts. While I didn't want to believe Nadia had been that type, the sad truth was that I didn't know her long enough to make that judgment call. Nadia seemed coy and shy about intimacy, but I wondered if that was why her date with douchebag had gone bad. Had she played him like a fiddle too? Has he grown tired of her leading him on? That was a fucked up thing to think, but my mind went to shallow places when my heart felt rejected.

  I left the damn boxes in my trunk, not feeling up to packing the rest of the stuff at the moment. The familiar junkie twitch in my fingers wanted any source of relief from the pain rising up. I wanted to be strong for myself, and I had thrown all the paraphernalia out and poured the liquor down the drain as well. I didn't trust myself to not use again. My usual habit would be to bury my face in a pile of blow or burn my throat with a bottle of vodka. I didn't want to fuck up my sobriety, but Nadia's text triggered me in a way that had nothing to do with my sexual abuse and everything to do with me feeling like I was a piece of shit and not someone she could see herself with in the long run. I'd opened myself up wider than I ever would with anyone, and she'd thrown it back in my face.

  Dumping my keys on the bare bar, I made a direct line for my bedroom. I dropped face forward on the tangled sheets, ignoring the taped boxes piled against the far left wall. The condo seemed to be a direct representation of my inner self. Empty rooms full of concealed boxes thrown haphazardly round and waiting for the next hopeful change to come. My life that seemingly had itself together had just been blown apart by a cataclysmic female I'd invested too much of myself in. Only difference had been that I thought Nadia would be the basket I could put all my eggs in. I'd made plans and preparations which had involved her and me whether she knew it or not.

  I'd had no idea at the depth of my wrongness. A head doctor would tell me I should probably find a recourse method for how I felt so I wouldn't fall back on drugs. However, I wanted to lay there and reflect and play over every detail in my mind on how I was falling in love for the first time, and how I'd gotten my heart ripped out and handed back to me before it even had a chance to truly beat with profound happiness.

  ****

  I awoke sometime later to the soft sound of tapping in the background. Groggy from an unexpected midday nap I felt lethargic and dry mouthed as I rolled over. I rubbed the heavy sleep from my eyes, the heavy sweat saturating my shirt. I pulled the drenched sheet off my body before glancing out the open blinds and noted the night outside. I sat up in the blackness surrounding me and fished the phone out of the tangled comforter. I winced at the bright light and realized there were no notifications from Nadia before looking at the clock. It was still Saturday, but past ten, and I couldn't believe I'd slept the whole day away.

  If I had been honest with myself, I'd have realized that it was the first step in me slacking at keeping myself straight. I'd slept a lot during my years of struggle, keeping myself either high or temporarily comatose from what was happening around me.

  Tap. Tap. Tap.

  I turned to the closed bedroom door, not remembering ever shutting it when I came in earlier. There was a soft glow of light from the living room, alerting me to someone in my place. I groaned as I rose up, knowing it was probably my older brother coming to do a wellness check. Vashton had a way of showing up when you didn't want to speak to him, or most importantly, when you did. He was also an excellent lock pick. Something I'd learned on many
occasions as both a kid and an adult. Standing up, I pulled my damp shirt off before opening the door. I shambled down the hallway barefoot to the soft tapping again and froze as the chilling sight halted my steps.

  Amy's auburn head was lowered over my coffee table with fucking white powder dumped on the glass, a credit card gripped in her willowy hand as she tightened the lines for preparation. Tap. Tap. Tap. She leaned forward, her hair cascading everywhere as she sniffed a row loudly and lifted her head and caught sight of me. Her green eyes were dull as she took a moment to focus on me. Then they turned hungry as she regarded me shirtless in only blue jeans. She gave me a smile and licked her lips sensually as she rode the high.

  My palms became sweaty with nerves as I hadn't been in the physical presence of blow since before rehab. Fuck. I regarded Amy silently. She hunched over my table, her petite body even thinner than I ever remembered.

  "Hey, baby. Want a bump?" She held the fucking cut straw in my direction, an invitation to a damning ceremony I'd said I no longer wanted to be a part of. I knew all too well what a single bump would do. I took a step forward but paused when Nadia's smiling face came to my mind. Her heady laughter and how she charmed me since the beginning with sass and shyness. It had been an intense and almost magical last few weeks in Macon.

  All of it false and fake.

  How could anyone believe in love when it scalded you before you could even touch it? I would never forget how I ached for Nadia in the rounds of ecstasy and our private moments, but I wanted to snub how I felt at this moment.