Numb

by Arissa Alexston

  I reached out my trembling hand and took a step forward.

  Chapter Ten

  I splashed water on my face to disengage my impending anxiety attack. I fumbled in the bathroom cabinet for the prescription pills, but paused on uncapping the benzos. They fucked with me more when I had coke running through my system. I thought better of it and sat them back on the shelf. There had been a time when I would've popped them anyway. I wanted to praise myself on not indulging deeper into the abyss, but then I remembered I'd still taken a line with my fucking ex. I hung my head, watching the last runs of water slide down the drain as I counted to ten to breathe slower.

  I fucked up, badly. How did I let myself get here? This relapse didn't hold the same acceptance as the others in the past did. Even though I was high, I didn't care to continue putting this shit in my body. I wanted to be done with this life, yet I'd caved. Why? To prove a point, to punish the world and fate when I only hurt myself? I had been hastily trying to block my hurt feelings over Nadia, and I'd let the poison back in my veins as well as my condo.

  Fuck.

  With a defiant sniff, I glared at my bearded face in the mirror. Do fucking better. It had been a mental prep I had been trying to live by since I left Macon. With Nadia in my life, I'd made it a chant to stay strong and focused, for her. And though she'd made it clear she didn't want shit to do with me, I didn't want to be fucked up if she came around to reconcile things. If she ever did. I wasn't sure if she had been afraid of moving forward with me, or if she truly didn't want to explore what could've blossomed between us. Now she sent mixed signals. I was so sure she'd been open to seeing where our relationship could go. How could she establish a future with someone who didn't even know how to steady his life? Someone balanced, piled on an unstable person, would eventually waver and crash down like a house of cards. I couldn't blame her for wanting out before feelings got too heavy and I brought her tumbling face-first in a pit of failure.

  Funny how the roles had reversed, and I'd been like this when I thought things with Amy were salvageable. Now my mind focused on the woman back in Macon who no longer wanted me, and the one I pined for weeks ago had come back. Funny how that shit turned out. Amy lay naked on my bed because that's how I left her when I came to take a piss and fight off my anxiety. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to fall back between her legs, and she'd been trying to get me to fuck her for the last three hours. Taking her clothes off, flashing the pink flesh between her legs. I wasn't interested, and I could tell she was getting irritated.

  The smart thing would have been for me to kick her out the minute I saw her at the coffee table. Instead, I'd let her stay but the welcome had long worn out. I looked at my watch and scoffed at it being five in the fucking morning.

  Do fucking better.

  How could I? I lean against the cold wall of the bathroom and slid down until my knees bent and my ass hit the floor. I contemplated how I'd gone so far left. Years ago, I'd popped every pill, snorted any dust, and turned up any liquor glass. I'd hidden from my past to worry about the future. I'd turned it all around on my own. Sure, someone could drive me to rehab and coach me through it, but the hard work was always rested on the me. I'd hit rock bottom, and I knew the time came to fix my life.

  This last big relapse, I told myself, I wasn't as deep in the shit as I used to be. But I was an addict, and my adult life provided little echoes of my druggie mother I remembered from my childhood. Every time I tried to steer clear, my anxiety would peak and overwhelm me, and I would succumb. Or life would find a way to twist me up and cause me to make the choice of falling back down the rabbit hole. I doubted my courage to say no to the thought of that sweet nectar coursing through my system.

  Wait, that was a lie. I wouldn't have given the drugs a second thought if Nadia had been here with me.

  Amy knocked, and when she didn't get a response, she pushed her way into the bathroom, hitting my left leg with the edge of the door. She peered down at me, and I met her questioning gaze. We were so wrong for each other, point blank. She bit her bottom lip and slid her fully naked form into the bathroom.

  "You hiding from me?" she teased at my lack of response and straddled me with my knees still bent. I lowered my legs to move her as far back from my face as I could. Nadia was who I wanted, who occupied my thoughts. "Oh, Gabe, I'm excited to see the new place. If it is kick-ass, I'll forgive you for throwing my shit out. You can replace them though." When I didn't speak, she frowned and took it upon herself to grind her crotch against my flaccid dick. "What is up with you? You send me all these texts, I leave my sister's and come home, and then you act all cold toward me. What the fuck? Don't you want to have sex? We normally fuck when high."

  I held her hips, hating her trying to seduce me. "You didn't respond to my texts, so I assumed we were done and I moved on. You were supposed to be getting clean in Tennessee."

  She frowned. "I know, but when I got back into town and saw you'd packed things. I got so mad and stressed, then I went to find to find Charlie to see if he still had the hook up. That new shit is badass, ain't it? Just tonight, then we can quit together again."

  I frowned and shifted to try and move her off my lap, but she braced her hands on my bare shoulders and dug her nails in.

  "Do you need some pain to get started?" She smiled at me as the pain in my shoulders increased, and I felt sorry for her. Amy was truly lost. At one time, the pain would be a surefire way to get my dick hard, but I didn't want forced intimacy anymore. What I'd experienced with Nadia was natural and pure, even if it was just on my end. It sucked that I now knew the difference.

  She leaned in to kiss my mouth, but I dodged her advances. "I'm not fucking you, Amy." Not ever again. "In fact, you need to leave. You have been here long enough." I pushed her back, but knew I'd have to stand up and dump her on the floor to get her off me. I gave her a chance to show some class and dignity because wild fights were how we used to cope with disagreements.

  She dug her nails in deeper, almost punishing, and I met her glare to indicate her displeasure at what I said wasn't my problem. The anger and turmoil boiling in the emerald irises could've intimidated someone who hadn't been used to arguing with her. As it were, she had always been good at the act of anger, but displayed it poorly.

  "It's that fucking black bitch, isn't it?" she asked suddenly, the venom in her words carried racial tension bewildering to me.

  Shock at her deliberate hate caused me to jerk, which only brought a satisfactory smirk to her small mouth. How the fuck did she know about Nadia? It wouldn't be above her to spy on me in Macon, but she had no idea where Aunt Celeste lived. So unless she had a tracking device on me and followed my every move and knew what had happened in that house, there was no way she could.

  "How do you know about her?"

  She grinned smugly. "You were texting me sweet nothings when you were fucking around. I see rehab can't fix everything. You're still the cheater."

  "If I remember correctly, you were fucking those coke-head bitches right along with me. You made my dick being inside them a problem whenever you got mad. Just like now. Answer me; how do you know about Nadia?"

  "She is so weird, like how did you end up with that sad puppy?" She teased.

  I grabbed her bony shoulders and gave a fierce, quick shake. "Don't fuck around with me on this."

  It must've been something on my face or voice that caused her to shut up. She met my gaze and had the audacity to look miffed. "I came by earlier. You weren't here, so I decided to wait inside. She knocked on the door and I answered. She thought she had the wrong door and asked which one was yours. I told her you were fucking her to fill a void and that you fucked around on me a lot. I showed her the texts you sent me, but she probably only read one or two before running off. Then I left to find Charlie for dope."

  I huffed in disbelief at Amy's words. Nadia must've been in town when she'd sent the fucking text to me. "Wait, she showed up here, and you fucking lied to her?"

  "No,
you lied, to me. You said you wanted to work things out, that you had plans for us."

  "Had, that's the key word. You never responded, I moved on because I assumed you did. The moment I stopped sending you texts was the minute I was done with you." I pushed her off me before standing up and then marched into the bedroom and yanked the first shirt I saw out of a box and pulled it on. How the fuck was I going to fix this shit? Fuck, I had no idea where to start. Nadia had driven back to Macon and made her mind up that I was some cheating asshole when I told her by the river that Amy and I were truly done.

  Amy followed behind me but sat on the bed. "Where are you going?"

  I didn't answer her because my mind tried to find a way to construct the truth in a way Nadia would actually listen to and believe.

  "I can't believe you; you're going to go after her? What the fuck, Gable?"

  I slipped my shoes on, letting her talk to herself and come to the realization that I was leaving her to go after another woman. We were done, I wanted her to understand this would be the last time she would be in my life. She touched my forearm, and I yanked it out of her reach. "Don't fucking put your hands on me! Never again." Amy paled as she glanced up at me and tucked her hands firmly in her lap.

  "Gable…" Amy watched me in confusion and pain as I whirled around my bedroom, gathering up my wallet, phone, and keys. All I could think about was getting to Macon and setting things right with Nadia. I should've known something wasn't right with her. Now hours have gone by, and she had probably made her mind up that I lied to her in Macon.

  I reached the front door and Amy came running out of the bedroom but stopped short. Fury had been a slow burning lash of a whip whenever I looked at her. "Leave your key under the mat." I opened the door to step out into the night and leave Tybee behind again, only this time I was going to Macon sure of what I wanted when I arrived there.

  Chapter Eleven

  As the long stretch of dark Georgia highway gave way to the early Sunday morning, my mind buzzed with so much repressed shit I'd absorbed in rehab. Wired and hazy from the lack of sleep and relapse, I thought back to a speaker in my therapy group. He had been a large black man gripping the hand of a Middle Eastern woman who'd stood proudly by his side. He used to be a famous athlete who'd quickly spiraled out of control, but it wasn't his life story swarming to the surface of my mind. It was his words as he'd looked at his wife.

  "Love is reason enough to quit. There are many people who quit for themselves because they finally love who they are as an individual and want better for their lives. Then there are those who find love—a great love—that rocks them to their core and awakens the dead part inside of their heart. An incredible shift sets off the proverbial lightbulb in their head that if they don't give up the drugs, they will lose this great love forever. And for some, it's enough to walk away. It was for me."

  At the time, I'd thought their charade had been a paid act because no way could a person change another so strongly. I believed it now. With every fiber of my being, I fucking believed it. I went ten over the speed limit to get to Macon as fast as I could because Nadia was my incredible shift, and as I left everything back on Tybee, a part of me didn't care if I never went back. Not seeing Nadia again had been something I didn't even to want to accept.

  Three hours later, as I pulled onto Songbird Lane, trepidation had me tapping the wheel. It was early for a Sunday by the time I reached Macon, and Aunt Celeste would be up getting ready for church. I had no idea what I would say to Nadia. Everything running through my mind seemed like a lame excuse or some frail attempt to cover up a lie. The depth of groveling I'd probably have to do was something I'd never ever seen myself doing. I had to tell her how much she meant to me. Hope was a strong word at the moment, but I feared anything I said wouldn't be good enough.

  Pleased to see her little hatchback sitting on the street, I pulled my car in the driveway and sprinted up to the colonial door and rang the bell twice in a row. I held my breath as I watched movement through the distorted glass shifting closer. My aunt opened the door and looked at me in shocked confusion. Still in her housecoat and curlers, her pastel makeup had been half done as her mouth formed a silent "O" as she took in my unexpected arrival.

  "Gable? What on Earth are you doing back here?" She stepped aside, and I brushed past her and marched down the hallway toward Nadia's room.

  "Is she in here?" Nadia's bedroom door was open, I paused in the doorframe, looking over the disrupted sheets and scattered rainbow clothes on the floor. No sign of her in her room had me turning abruptly and nearly running into my aunt. She stammered over her sentences, trying to understand why I'd zipped through her house like a lunatic. "Where is Nadia?" My frantic tone came out too harsh.

  Her gray eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms. "You better not be taking that tone with me. And you better not be why she came back so upset yesterday. What is going on between you two?"

  "A lot." A chair scraped against the kitchen floor, and I bolted that direction, but was met with the backdoor slamming shut.

  "Stop slammin' my doors!" shouted Aunt Celeste, rushing up behind me. Aunt Celeste yanked my arm, causing me to gaze into her disgruntled face. "You better take this drama outside and fix it, Gable."

  I flashed a wavering smile. "I'm going to try."

  I entered the backyard warily and caught sight of Nadia facing the back fence lined with gardenias and rose bushes. Still in her flannel sleep pants and oversized shirt, she had just woken up. Her curled hair sat piled on top of her head like a raven waterfall, and I couldn't help but think that, in this moment, she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I watched her shoulders rise and fall with increased breaths as I approached. This was the woman I wanted in my life. I wanted to laugh and love with her. I wanted to revel in our victorious milestones as a new couple. For once, I would finally have a slice of something real and strong. She'd altered my world, and I wanted to believe we might grow from this together.

  "Nadia, let me—"

  She whirled. "Don't! You lied to me!"

  I shook my head. "No, I didn't. Do you honestly think, if I was with her, I would want you to come over? Why would I do that?"

  "I don't know, maybe to make a fool out of me."

  My own laugh caught me off guard. "You're a lot of things, but a fool isn't one of them. There is no way I want anything to do with my ex anymore. Not after being with you." I went to reach for her, and she stepped away and I let my hand fall away.

  "I saw the texts you sent to her." She crossed her arms defensively.

  I groaned. "That was before I fell for you. Nadia, I am here, for you. If this was a fucking game, I would not be here trying to win you back. I thought Amy was someone I wanted until you changed my views on life and what it felt like to be a better person. My life on Tybee is squared away now. I feel like my new life is starting right here, right now." She looked at me through narrowed eyes, but I felt as if I had gotten through to her—if her slight move forward had been any indication. "I want to explore more of this with you. I know it may seem rushed, but in that small amount of time, you've made me come to life."

  "Did you have sex with her yesterday?"

  "No."

  She shifted her feet. "Did you do drugs?"

  "Yes." My gut twisted as I admitted my failure. I didn't even try to reject the drugs when I thought I couldn't have the straight life. My sobriety started back at day one, and I was willing to never be weak again. She frowned and hung her head, disappointment breaking our stare. "But only when I thought I lost you." It had been a foolish and lame excuse, but it was the truth, and one I wasn't ashamed to say.

  She pointed at her chest. "My being in your life shouldn't be contingent upon you staying clean, Gable."

  "True, and I promise from now on, it won't be, but I will do anything to keep you in it though." I stepped up, crowding her space and driving my point in harder as I met her gaze. "Anything."

  She looked up at me, a little breathless
and wide-eyed. "Prove it."

  "I plan to." I took her mouth in a searing kiss. A mending of the lips, sealing a promise to be the man she'd need in her life. It formed into an oath to myself, a promise to be drug-free and to remember she was a woman worth keeping forever.

  Epilogue

  One year later…

  "Hmmm, it won't fit." I tilted my head, glaring at the brown monstrosity that was supposed to be vintage. How in the hell I would get this up two flights of stairs? Our Washington apartment was small and simple, which we wanted as our first place together in a new city. "Nadi, think of the corner pivot of the stairs, it will not work."

  "You're only saying that because it is brown."

  Nadia patted my chest and I smiled down at the diamond ring on her left hand. Bold guts that engagement had taken, but I didn't plan to let this woman out of my sight. I'd proposed two weeks ago at the Fourth of July cookout in Aunt Celeste's garden. Rysten and his wife, Trish, were present and toasted to us, Aunt Celeste cried for an hour, but Vashton couldn't make it due to his job. However, he did send a congratulatory video message, and although he wasn't the sappy type, he made it known that he approved of my life changes.

  Dislodging my thoughts, the bald and stocky salesman rushed around the warehouse. He shuffled through stacks of papers to finalize our sale. He kept glancing in our direction as if Nadia would actually heed my teasing grumbles and leave without the couch.

  "So, the whole apartment is going to be sixties then?"

  Nadia dug in her purse and only half-heartedly paid attention to my muttering. "Mmhmm, except your office," she replied staring off toward an old, orange, glass vase-lamp thing she hadn't noticed before. I groaned and watched her scurry toward the lamp and consider it for whatever room she saw fit for it to go in. If she wanted it, I'd buy it without hesitation. I'd do anything for her.