Notorious

by Leanne Davis

  “What are you doing?” she hissed.

  He chuckled into her ear. “You’ve never been felt up in public?”

  “Of course not.”

  “You missed one of the greatest joys of being young.”

  “If you’re eighteen, maybe.”

  “You don’t think half of these couples on this beach are feeling each other up? Come on, it’s dark, a moonlit beach, wrapped together on a blanket. You never did this as a teenager? With anyone?”

  “No. We’ve established my experience level and thanks for the education to date, but your parents are right there. And my sister.”

  “You don’t really think John is sitting there chastely with your sister, do you?”

  “Tim’s right there, running around.”

  “That’s why you learn to be discreet.”

  “You’re serious?”

  He laughed. “I really am. And I really enjoy shocking you. Which is considerably easier than anyone would ever dream.”

  “You were planning on doing this.”

  “Guilty as charged.”

  His chest shook with silent laughter at her. Still, she didn’t complain when both his hands slid up her stomach.

  Someone lit a bonfire, and the beach was alive with shadows and the low murmur of people. It was nearly hypnotic, with the steady lapping waves and being held by Luke. She wished it would go on and on.

  Then the fireworks started. A beautiful explosion of colors filled the night sky that seemed like a black canvas for the rainbow of sparks and fire. Luke tugged her back so she was in his embrace, lying with him, looking up at the sky. Kelly glanced around. Luke was right, everyone else was cuddled together, too. It was just about the most romantic and beautiful spot she could imagine. And the intensity of how happy she was shook her to the core. This was what it was to be cherished and loved. She was completely surrounded by Luke’s body, and his wayward comments that made her smile or laugh. When he spoke, she was completely in tune with him. Everything she pretended to be her entire life, melted away when she was with Luke. The real Kelly was all that was left, and that was the Kelly that Luke liked the most.

  And this was the end of it.

  Tears filled her eyes and fell silently. At least the darkness concealed her sadness. She would remember this as the most perfect moment of her entire life. The before moment, before they had their talk where Luke would tell her he can’t ever love her because she was ten years too late. This moment now, where she was tucked in Luke’s arms, as safe and cared for as she’d never been as a child or a woman. This one moment now where she could pretend she was loved, by the man that she loved.

  But like everything else in her life, nothing lasts. So when the fireworks ended and the crowd applauded, slowly, people started to get up together and pick up their belongings, shaking the sand loose from them.

  Luke didn’t stir. Neither did Kelly. The night was over for them. When they got up, the magic was gone. Reality would soon descend. Finally, she shifted, so did Luke, and they got up on their knees, staring hard at each other, their faces blurred by the night’s shadows.

  He got up and grabbed the blanket while she slowly followed, moving as if she had arthritis in her knees. This was it. She’d had her short, brief summer fling that completely changed her and made her want more. She’d fallen in love with the one man who didn’t want her, not because of her looks, but because he couldn’t love her. It was her mistake. Still, it didn’t make it any easier.

  Then she suddenly spun around and left. She ran down the beach. Away from him, from those moments and what should have been.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  “Kelly?”

  Kelly turned. Luke stood on the beach a few steps short of where she sat.

  “What?” She tried to keep her tone neutral to slow the sudden speeding of her heart and the welling of emotion and tears that filled her eyes at his kind, soft voice.

  He sat down next to her looking out toward the water as she was. They were both careful not to touch each other.

  “This is awkward,” she said finally.

  “I think we knew it was going to be, didn’t we?”

  “Yes, that’s why we hesitated at first. Now here we are.”

  “I hope you know I don’t regret any of it.”

  “Neither do I. It’s over, though. When I come back to town, we’re not picking up where we left off. I won’t do that.” My heart can’t take it.

  “I wasn’t going to suggest that.”

  “Then we’re agreed this affair was a onetime deal.”

  “Are you okay?”

  No. “I’ll be fine.”

  “Don’t do that. Don’t shut me out like I don’t care.”

  “You care to a point.”

  “That’s not exactly how I’d word it.”

  “Just do me favor, and when I come to town next, stay away. It’s going to be awkward no matter how adult we plan to be.”

  “All right, I’ll stay away.”

  “Good. Then I think we understand each other.”

  “Do we? That’s it? You’ve got nothing else to say to me?”

  “No. You were very clear about how you felt about me.”

  “Did I hurt you? Have I done something wrong?”

  Stupid man! What did he think? That she could control her feelings? That although she made the “rules,” that knowledge could somehow have protected her heart?

  “No, you didn’t do anything wrong,” she said. She had. She’d fallen for a man still in love with his dead wife.

  Luke sighed at her stony replies. “Why won’t you look at me?”

  She turned and looked at him, careful to keep her expression blank.

  “I know what we said about this thing. It’s awkward. I’m having a hard time, but I’m trying to be cool about it.”

  “I am, too. I really care about you. I just don’t have it in me to see how far this could go.”

  “I know that. I wasn’t asking.”

  “Right. Because you’re leaving town.”

  “That was always the plan. I have a photo shoot starting on Monday.”

  “Back to real life.”

  She nodded. What life? “Yes, back to real life.”

  He looked at her profile, and then asked in a low tone, “Do you know how absolutely amazing you are?”

  Sure, amazing enough he wouldn’t even date her. “You don’t have to do that. I’m fine.”

  “Do what?”

  “Say things out of guilt. I’m fine.”

  “You don’t sound fine.”

  “Please quit. I don’t want to say anything I’ll regret. Things you don’t want to hear, so please leave it at that.”

  “Things like what?”

  “Like I think we could have a future if you’d just give us a shot.”

  She couldn’t believe she’d blurted that out.

  He stared at her. His gaze was on her as she looked even harder at the ocean waves, seeing nothing through the tears in her eyes.

  “Kelly…”

  She rubbed her cheeks with her hands, pushing the tears that kept coming off her face. “I know. You don’t want another relationship. You still love Shelly, and you can’t take a chance on us. Do you know why?”

  “Yeah. Because I don’t have much left in me. You don’t know what you’re asking of me.”

  “No. You’re afraid of me. You’re afraid you could love me. And you’re even more afraid that you do love me and that you’ll lose me. If you’re not going to be with me, at least be honest with yourself and me as to the reasons.”

  “It’s been two weeks. You can’t possibly know what we would or would not be.”

  She turned to him suddenly, her eyes blazing. “I know this was more than the fling we said it was going to be. I know that it could be the start of something real.”

  “No, it can’t.”

  “I think you’re wrong.”

  “I think you didn’t hear me. I can’t have kids.
I don’t love you, nor is it in me to fall in love with you the way you deserve. I can’t give you the kind of life you deserve.”

  “That’s such a copout. You don’t want to try.”

  “You’re right. I don’t. I really don’t want to try.”

  Kelly’s mouth fell open. She snapped it shut and turned her head forward. She drew her arms around her legs. There was nothing she could say to argue with that.

  “I’m sorry.”

  She nodded and kept looking forward. She’d opened herself up for his rejection. She couldn’t make Luke love her more than he loved his grief.

  “If we’re over, then it’s over now. Right now.”

  “All right, if that’s what you want.”

  What she wanted? How could he reduce what she wanted to such a pathetic sentence?

  He stood and yanked her up. She nearly choked in her effort to resist crying. She had to restrain her arms from clinging to him and begging him to stay with her. He started to walk toward the parking lot where his truck was. She stopped.

  “Here. Just leave me here.”

  “I’m at least going to drive you home.”

  “No, you’re not. Cassie will take me. Just leave me here.”

  She couldn’t take dragging out the inevitable any longer. He stared at her long and hard. The noise from the beach was still a low murmur beyond Luke. People were milling about, but no one was close enough to hear them. Finally, he nodded in acceptance of what she wanted. He took her into his arms and held her up against him. Then he leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips.

  He released her, and turned, walking toward the crowd without looking back at her. She stood there without moving, watching him walk away without a second’s hesitation or backwards glance. He had no regrets. He had no reservations about his decision. About letting her go for good.

  She let the tears fall down her face. She cried for herself. She cried for Luke. She cried for Shelly and Amelia and how unfair life had been to all of them. She cried for the hopelessness that was Luke’s life. She cried out her sorrow for herself and for Luke and her frustration because she understood and forgave Luke for what he couldn’t do.

  Cassie came out to the beach and sat down next to Kelly. She put her arms around Kelly and sat quietly with her. Kelly didn’t feel like saying anything. She had nothing left in her to say.

  “I think you should think about a new life.”

  “What?” Kelly said, after they were silent for nearly twenty minutes.

  “I think it’s time you found something to do that makes you happy. It’s time to quit modeling. You have enough money, and you don’t even like your work. You have security. You need to make a real life for yourself. Pick a city that you like. You hate L.A., so leave. Luke was going to hurt you, but he also showed you you’re worth loving. That you can love, and I think it’s time you found yourself a real life, real friends, and a real boyfriend. A life that makes you live, not just survive.”

  “I don’t know how to.”

  “Yes, you do. You started to here. Now continue and make yourself happy. I don’t care what you do, just do something you want to do. You said you let Mom go, then let the past go, too. Start fresh, this is your chance. Take it.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Yes, you do. You’re hurting right now. But you know.”

  “I won’t be back to town for a while.”

  She sighed and nodded. “I know. It’s okay, take as much time as you need. Tim and I will come to you.”

  “I don’t want you telling Luke anything about me. Even in passing.”

  “I won’t.”

  “I fell in love with him.”

  “I know.”

  “He thinks he can’t love again.”

  “Maybe he can’t. But you can. I want that for you. I want you to have a real life. A full life.”

  “Luke wants that, too.”

  “Luke can’t move on. You can. I think you should take this as a reason to change your life and find something that makes you happy.”

  “Like you’ve done.”

  “Yes. But you need to do it your own way.”

  “My way? I have no idea what that would be.”

  “Then you’ll have to figure that out, won’t you?”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Kelly couldn’t sleep. She sat in the living room thinking about the last two weeks…hell, about the last year and all that had happened. Cassie’s house turned out to be the setting for life-changing events in both their lives. The stairs creaked, and to her surprise, John stood there.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  “Sorry if I woke you. I couldn’t sleep.”

  “Mind if I join you?”

  Kelly shook her head. John rarely sought out conversation. He wasn’t exactly the talker that his brother was. Was he going to talk to her?

  “Are you all right? Really?”

  “Didn’t Cassie tell you?”

  “No. She doesn’t tell me anything about you.”

  “Really? I don’t believe you, but I think it’s sweet you protect her. I don’t care if she talks to you.”

  “Still, are you okay?”

  “No.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be, I brought it on myself.”

  “I don’t think this kind of thing is anyone’s fault, it all kind of just happens.”

  Kelly tilted her head in consideration. “No offense, but why are you worried about me? You make it a rule to not get involved in other people’s conflicts unless Cassie makes you.”

  “I hate to see you hurt. You’re part of my family now.”

  Kelly tried to smile, but failed miserably. “You’re just sorry because Cassie takes my problems so hard.”

  John smiled back. “Yes, she does. But I care about you in your own right too, you know.”

  “No. I didn’t know. Thank you.” She paused, then asked, “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “Did you move in here with Luke after Shelly died because Luke might hurt himself? Was that the reason you took such drastic steps and left your life behind in Portland?”

  “Yes, that’s exactly why,” John said bluntly. “He had us all scared. I don’t mean he was suicidal, he just didn’t care if he lived.”

  “It was that bad, wasn’t it?”

  John was quiet, then nodded. “Yes, it was that bad. It was bad for Luke, for me, for my parents, and Shelly’s parents. It was life-altering for all of us. But Luke was, I don’t know how to describe it, Luke was broken in pieces. Lost. Grief stricken in ways I wouldn’t believe if I hadn’t witnessed it.”

  “Do you think he’s any better now?”

  “Once, I believed he’d be like that for the rest of his life. Then I saw him with you, and I saw a glimmer of something I haven’t seen since Shelly died. He acted more like his old self with you, but still, he never was really his old self, you know what I mean?”

  “No, I didn’t really know him before.”

  “And you’re probably the only one who remotely knows him now.”

  Kelly was startled by John’s statement. Could that be true?

  “Luke went through things no one should have, but that doesn’t mean he’s right about letting you go. I think he’s wrong, and I’m sorry as hell you got hurt.”

  “I knew all this to start.”

  “Did you? Did you really know it all?”

  “No. I guess I didn’t know I’d fall for him, or that he really couldn’t move past any of his grief.”

  John smiled sadly at her. “He wants to, he just can’t. And now that I have Cassie and Tim, I see why.”

  Kelly nodded. “That’s what makes me so pathetic. I already saw that clearly, long before I came to town this summer.”

  “I’m sorry. Nothing has been fair for Luke, starting with Shelly’s death, her pregnancy, and now it’s all so unfair for you.”

  “Thank you, but Luke was honest and kind t
o me the whole time.”

  John was silent, and so was Kelly. John wanted more for Luke than what he had now, just as Kelly always wanted the best for Cassie.

  “Cassie and I are trying to have a baby.”

  Kelly looked up at John, startled. When did John ever leak out personal details? “Cassie didn’t tell me.”

  “She didn’t?”

  “No. But I’m thrilled for you,” Kelly grinned. “You know, just because I shared with you doesn’t mean you have to reciprocate.”

  “I guess not. It just seems fair.”

  Kelly laughed. Naturally, John would think that since she shared something personal with him, he had to reciprocate, tit-for-tat.

  “Take care of my sister.”

  “I will. But tell me, sister-in-law, who takes care of you?”

  “I do. And I think I’m going to start doing a better job.”

  John never overstated anything, especially when it came to emotions. Hearing John reaffirm just how bad Luke was in the aftermath of Shelly’s death, somehow made Kelly feel better. She was miserable and crying, and finally got what a broken heart was all about. But somehow, knowing that Luke really wanted to care about her, and couldn’t because of his own grief, his loss, his past, made her feel better. She really had been more for Luke than a rebound, or just sex. It eased it all for Kelly.

  Now it was time to go home. It was time to be different. To put this all behind her, and most of all it was time to find a life.

  ****

  Nobody said a damn word to him.

  Luke couldn’t quite figure it out. Kelly left town, and no one said anything. His mother never asked what happened, John remained stoic, and Cassie was pleasant, as always, to him. He didn’t get it. Why was Cassie being nice to him? Shouldn’t she be angry on behalf of her sister? Why didn’t anyone ask?

  He missed Kelly. More than he should. Which was crazy because it wasn’t like she’d even been around him all that much. His condo was empty, dead inside. He kept the radio on just for noise. He stood in front of the pictures Kelly hung, trying to figure out what happened to him. Was he missing Shelly or Kelly? He’d lived for so long feeling dead and cold, and now he was even more alone, sometimes he wanted to start yelling and never stop.